How does my behavior reflect hatred?

When I hate a person or a group of people, I:

• harbor the most extreme level of anger possible against them.

• ignore and avoid them; they don't exist for me.

• am easily aggravated by their behavior, looks, or attitudes.

• get agitated when I think about them; it gets worse when I'm in their presence.

• have an antagonistic attitude toward them.

• find myself being cruel, vicious, vindictive, or revengeful with them.

• exhibit inflamed, incensed, ill-tempered, or disagreeable behavior if the topic of conversation turns to them.

• become rude, belligerent, combative, enraged, or intolerant with them.

• act bigoted, prejudiced, callous, insensitive, or malicious toward them.

• fantasize murderous, violent, bloodthirsty, inhuman, sadistic ideas about them.

• become dogmatic, critical, malicious and severe in my judgment and statements about them.

• look unfriendly, unfeeling, unlikable, unmerciful, sullen, sulky, or spiteful whenever I talk to or about them.

• become enraged, wrathful and piqued when I hear their name mentioned in any positive way.

• find myself being cold, distant, aloof, uncaring and obstinate in my discussions with them or about them.

• act offended, opposed, provoked, or irritated when they speak to me.

• deliberately misunderstand them.

My hatred toward a person or a group of people is rooted in my belief that they have:

• treated me unfairly or abused me.

• acted in such a way that my future success was imperiled or adversely affected.

• unjustly accused me of wrong doing.

• laid a guilt trip on me, preventing me from taking care of myself in a healthy way.

• never given me a chance to be my own person and to feel good about myself.

• adversely affected my personal development and contributed to my lowered self-esteem and self-worth.

• said things about me that I can't forgive or forget.

• acted in such a way that my resentment and rage are the only possible responses.

• exhibit qualities, behavior patterns, or characteristics that have great physical or emotional danger to me.

• a horrible reputation, stigma, or myth about them that is hard to refute or disprove.

• had something better than what I have and are unwilling to share it with me.

• had life easier than I, they haven't had to work as hard as I to survive.

• no desire to help me reach material or emotional success in life.

• wretched, vile, loathsome personalities that breed misery and pain for me.

• attacked my reputation or honor, in reality or imagination.

• been obstinate, unwilling to submit to my control, power, supervision, or guidance.

• been a threat, either real or imagined, to my sense of security, well-being and contentment.

• never understood my needs and have ignored me because of this.

• never given me approval, recognition, or reinforcement for the "good'' person that I am.

• only pointed out my failures.

• betrayed the trust and faith I once placed in them.

• been the underlying reasons for my unhappiness today.

• been controlling, manipulative, sneaky, ruthless and scheming in their dealings with me.

• hostile, hateful and hypercritical ways of dealing with me.

• been "power mad'' in their attempts to control me.

What are some examples of my hatred?

What are some negative effects of my hatred?

Because of my hatred toward a person or group of people, I find that I am:

• never fully happy or content.

• bitter and cold toward almost everybody in my life.

• not sought out by others to be a friend.

• socially isolated and lonely.

• caustic, hostile, sarcastic and cynical.

• embittered, saddened and desolate a good part of the time.

• lacking in enthusiasm, energy and spontaneity in my daily life.

• cold, distant and aloof in my dealings with others.

• mistrusting, paranoid and suspicious in my relationships.

• stuck in my quest for healthy self-esteem.

• guilty over the negative feelings that I can't let go of.

• easily provoked to anger and my "hot buttons'' are pushed when the person or group of people I hate is mentioned in any positive way.

• wasteful in the expenditure of my emotional energy by venting my chronic negative feelings.

• prone to over-compensate by behaving in a completely opposite way from those I hate.

• unable to get on with my life; I tend to dwell on or blame everything on my past.

• touchy, highly emotional, or overly sensitive when my "hateful'' behavior is pointed out to me.

• defensive about my right to hold on to my hateful beliefs.

• more focused on those I hate than on myself and my personal growth.

• closed to the suggestion to forgive and forget the past and get on with the present.

• prone to lose sight of my personal power and my ability to chose what I want to feel or do.

• overwhelmed by my bitterness and anger.

• unable to be optimistic.

• unwilling to believe that it's my choice to feel hatred.

• stubborn, unwilling to accept that often people have done the best that they could knowing what they did at the time.

What irrational thinking contributes to my hatred?

• They should have known better.

• No one should have to go thru what I have in my lifetime.

• They should have known how badly they were making me feel.

• He shouldn't have been so mean to me.

• She shouldn't have left me the way she did.

• I should have been recognized for all the good things I did.

• He shouldn't have been so manipulative with me.

• She should have done the things I told her to do.

• They should have recognized my goodness, talent, competency and worth and told me so.

• What good is it to forgive and forget the past now?

• I will never trust another human being again.

• My life should be easier than it is.

• If only I had had good luck and the benefits of others, e.g., education, money, good looks, I'd be a happy person.

• No matter how hard a person works he will never change his fate.

• I am always taken advantage of and always end up a loser in relationships.

• All _______ are bad. (Parents, men, women, children, Jews, blacks, whites, Asians, Hispanics, Polish, Italians, Arabs, psychologists, doctors, lawyers, car salesmen, insurance companies, or your personal object of hate.)

How can I overcome my hatred?

To overcome my hatred of a person or group of people I need to:

• assess my hatred: is it based on what is real or on what is imagined.

• determine if the person or group of people intentionally set out to hurt, abuse, neglect, or mistreat me.

• analyze whether or not the person or group of people knew how negatively I was being affected by them.

• identify what relevant facts were lacking for the person or group of persons in their dealings with me.

• analyze what my thinking was like at the time I was being mistreated.

• identify the irrational component of my thinking about this mistreatment & replace it with more rational and realistic thinking.

• perform anger work-out sessions until I've exhausted my hatred to the point where I can forgive and forget the past.

• admit that even if a person set out to hurt me, knowing full well how badly I would feel, it does me no good to harbor this hatred. It exhausts my emotional energy. I need to let go of it and get on with my life.

by Stephanie I. Coard, Ph.D. & Scyatta A. Wallace, M.A.

• Help children with their feelings. Provide an environment that will allow for children to freely express their feelings and acknowledge any pain and anger.

Allowing your child to keep a journal, draw and talk out their emotions are positive outlets for feelings of anger.

 

Providing a means by which to channel feelings into positive actions is another tool to help your child. If you channel their energies into positive actions (e.g., reaching out to victims, writing letters & cards, donating supplies & food, planning a community walk/vigil) children will be less focused on becoming engaged in hurtful attacks on others.

• Set a good example. Children learn from observing your behavior. Be aware of the impact of your own biases and feelings of anger on your child.

Be prepared to respond to purposeful acts of bias because children will carefully observe how you intervene when someone is the target of hate-based behavior.

 

Be vocal in opposing racist views and practices. Use appropriate labels and words when describing what occurred and the individuals involved.

• Tell children personal stories of triumph. Children need to hear stories of overcoming oppression and surviving with triumphant attitudes. Fear that bad situations will never change can lead children to feel hopeless, which can lead them to use hateful words and exhibit hurtful behaviors.

Providing such models show children that people have successfully stood up to hatred.

• Relax and answer the questions. Lack of information about people whom we see as different from ourselves sets the stage for hatred.

Hate is also based on thinking or assuming something that is untrue. Treat all of your child's questions with respect and seriousness. Your own discomfort may lead to you trying to avoid giving an answer.

 

However, answer questions with short, simple and honest responses. Ensure that you're using language that's appropriate for your child's developmental level. Providing details about events and discussing the answers to your child's questions are vehicles for helping prevent seeds of hatred.

• Correct your children. Make your child aware of your disapproval if he or she makes an insensitive remark or reacts w/attacks of violence against others.

Remind them of how they feel when they aren't treated well by others. Set ground rules in your household for how your family should behavior towards others and develop appropriate disciplinary actions. At the same time, help them learn better ways to deal with their anger.

• Teach tolerance. Proactively teach understanding, openness and empathy skills.

Children who are sensitive to other people's feelings are less likely to be prejudiced. Sharing stories of the similarities between different cultures can help them understand the points of view of other people.

 

Distinguishing individuals who do specific hateful acts from people who are similar to those doing the acts is also very important.

 

Blaming an individual or group when the fault actually lies elsewhere reinforces hate. Some children may misleadingly think that all Muslims are terrorists, but, as adults, we can help them understand that what a few individuals did doesn't reflect an entire group.

• Respect diversity. It's important that we begin and continue our conversations about diversity and respect for differences with our children. Remind your child how important his culture is to him as a way of understanding how the other person must feel about his or her culture.

Expose your child to other cultures through books, television, museums and restaurants. Encourage open dialogue and development of friendships with a diverse group of people.

Moving On

There are a few reliable indicators which can alert you if the relationship is going nowhere.

Although by no means foolproof, taking note of these behavior patterns should enable you to bail out of the relationship before she dumps you. Think about it. Would you rather she dump you instead of you bravely accepting reality & moving on?

Signs Of Dislike

Firstly, She won't make herself available. Even though her excuses may sound valid, if she were interested, she would make time to see you.

If arranging a date to get together becomes a struggle & you're the only one working on the initiating the dates, it might be time to leave. At this point, conversations will be awkward & forced, often ending w/her making something up to get you off the line.

After all, you're the only one trying to keep it going. Conversations & the tone in her voice will be neutral. She might occasionally look away & seem bored, as if she'd rather be someplace else.

Not necessarily negative, but they will be absent of that up-beat positive mood that an interested girl gives.

"Coping with Hate: A Multi-Racial Family's Challenge"

 When confronted with racism and hate, how can parents be most supportive to their kids? 

Ted and Judy, a mixed-race couple, are strolling with their 1 year-old son, James. One block from their house, a car passes them and a passenger yells out the window, "Ugh! Disgusting!"

Ted, hearing perfectly, watches the car drive away with a burning anger in his stomach and a strong desire to run after the car. Come say that to my face, you coward! 

"What did she say?" Judy asks.

"Nothing," Ted lies, trying to protect her. "I think she just cleared her throat or something." He knows his wife will react furiously and then feel very sad, worried and guilty for her child. He holds these feelings for her.

How could someone think that my child is disgusting, just because he represents a mixing of two races and has a unique appearance? He's a smart, spirited, wonderful child and that person can't see past his skin color. I'm angry that he is going to have to deal with that narrow-minded attitude throughout his life.

Ted thinks about this throughout the day, suffering. Although he feels secure about his love for his wife and their decision to marry and have children, the prejudices of society nag at him and start to fill him with doubts.

Certain messages playing in his head-you betrayed your people, you're bringing a child into a complicated world - he immediately rejects, while continuing to ponder others.

Am I prepared to face how others feel about us? How will I deal with this kind of behavior when it inevitably happens again? Do I have feelings about our racial and cultural differences that I haven't really examined?

Ted looks back on the past year and realizes that he has minimized the biases facing his family. He has always thought of California as a progressive state with open-minded people accepting of mixed race families. Being the target of hate a block from home has shaken him from that belief.

Incidents he once laughed about are suddenly serious; for instance, the time a waitress in a restaurant asked if James was his child when he, Judy and James were obviously a family. 

This is too much to bear alone. He describes the episode to his friend, Eddie, also the father of a bi-racial child. Eddie listens to his friend and then tells him, "Look, you know we're going to get hit with this kind of treatment. We can't make it go away and we can't keep it a secret. How do you think the way you feel right now is going to affect your family relationships if you keep quiet and let those feelings churn inside of you?"

Ted finally wises up and shares his feelings and the details about the incident, with Judy. At first, she is angry, but thanks Ted for his good intentions and sparing her the embarrassment of becoming enraged in public.

Then she cries, saying, "Why do people have to act like that? He's just a baby? Who could hate a baby?" She expresses some fear for her son's emotional well-being as he gets older and Ted tries to reassure her that he's a strong child and is tougher than they are in some respects. They talk about how they can prepare him for prejudice and help him cope with it in the healthiest ways possible.

"I wanted to confront that person today and teach her a lesson," Ted discloses, honestly. 

"And what kind of example does that set for James?" Judy replies.

"You're right. He'll be fighting everyday. I don't want that. Does that mean I have to keep my mouth shut?"

"No," Judy explains. "When James is older and understands more, we need to explain to him that he will run into mean, hurtful people who will try to put him down because his mommy and daddy look different. If something like what happened today occurs again, I think you can say to him, 'I feel very angry about that and you probably do, too. It's okay to feel angry or sad or whatever, hearing those words. But it's also sad that person has so little going for her that all she can do is say hateful things to people. I feel sorry for her. She'll never know how wonderful you are and I'm not going to let her get me down.'" 

"What if the person doesn't make a drive-by comment, but says it directly to us?" Ted asks.

"I still wouldn't fight her," she says. "I would say, 'You're entitled to your own beliefs and I don't mind you sharing them with me, but I don't want my kid hearing that kind of talk.' Or, I'd say, 'we're not bothering you, so why don't you leave us alone and keep your beliefs to yourself.' I have to admit, it would be tempting to tell the person, 'Hey, bi-racial families are growing in number, so either get used to it or go somewhere else.'

That would make my point, but it might teach James to be too sarcastic, so I think I'll reserve that one for when someone says something ignorant to us without him around."

After talking about this with Judy, Ted feels tremendously relieved, no longer carrying the burden alone. Instead of allowing this incident to scar them and their son, these parents have found comfort, support and stronger love for each other.

Venting their anger in private, keeping a perspective and preparing themselves for future challenges without preparing for battle has empowered this couple and modeled strong, healthy social interaction to their child.

This incident has also helped Ted and Judy realize that they have much work ahead. From now on, they must pay more attention to setting examples for James, communicating with him and helping to make sense of others' attitudes for him. They must also continue to examine their own beliefs about racial differences to gain perspective on how the way they think and feel impacts their son.

Hate-motivated Behavior

As we work at the complex issues of diversity, tolerance and intolerance in our own schools & institutions, we listen in on others' attempts to manage destructive behavior,  what lies behind it. Dina Hatchuel sent us this report on work done by the Almeda County Office of Education in California.

California children are inheriting a society more multicultural and multiracial than ever before witnessed in modern history. This rich and diverse society brings the benefits of wider participation and vision as well as new and exciting challenges. Yet with these gifts of diversity, there sometimes comes ugly intolerance of cultural and racial differences.

Hate-motivated behavior, whether in the form of racial conflicts, graffiti, or hate slurs, are becoming more evident on school campuses in too many communities. From school boards to classroom teachers, there's an urgent call to respond to hate-motivated behavior in all its forms in schools and their surrounding communities.

Our schools have a constitutional and moral obligation to protect children on campus and to maintain a safe, secure learning environment. Addressing hate-motivated behavior is an important part of this obligation.

However, schools can't meet this obligation alone. Law enforcement, government, business and the community as a whole must join in an effort to keep schools free of hate-motivated incidents.

A Working Definition

An incident of hate-motivated behavior is any act or attempted act intended to cause emotional suffering, physical injury, or property damage through intimidation, harassment, bigoted slurs or epithets, force or threat of force, or vandalism motivated in part or in whole by hostility toward the victim's real or perceived ethnicity, national origin, immigrant status, religious belief, gender, sexual orientation, age, disability, political affiliation, race, or any other physical or cultural characteristic.

Having a common definition of hate-motivated behavior enables schools and law enforcement agencies to develop a reporting system to document these behaviors.

Hate-motivated behavior may also be a crime - and such acts must be reported to the appropriate law enforcement agency. When criminal acts are determined to be motivated by hate, they become hate crimes.

However, some hate-motivated behaviors, including taunting and intimidation, may not be interpreted as crimes and as a result, could go unreported.

Nevertheless, such acts of hate-motivated behavior should be considered as serious as hate crimes because they can be as emotionally damaging as any hate crime and can have long-lasting effects on students and teachers.

Dealing with hate-motivated behavior

Everyone who has an impact on students and the school community plays a role - members of the board of education, district and school staff parents and law enforcement personnel. Ultimately, success will rely on interdependent action. Hate-motivated behavior is an important issue for everyone.

If parents, students, school staff members and representatives of the local community know that you're serious about addressing hate crimes, they'll listen, learn and participate in scheduled activities.

Publicizing the school's commitment to hate crime prevention is the key to successfully involving everyone.

Following through with plans and promises is the key to keeping all partners involved. Many share this responsibility. Parents need to model the appropriate behavior of respect for others and appreciation for diversity throughout the lives of their children.

Students must take responsibility for their own behavior and meet conduct standards established by their school and society in general.

Breaking the cycle of Bullying

Bullying is perhaps the most underrated problem in our schools and can be motivated by prejudice, intolerance, or hate. Whether bullying evidences itself in name calling, teasing and harassment, extortion of lunch money, harsh pranks, or jostling in a hallway, victims often are left with emotional tears long after the incident.

Many adults vividly remember a school-yard bully from their own childhood, often by name. Research shows that allowing bullying to go unchecked opens up a Pandora's box of school-day, adolescent and adult criminality. 

• School staff, along with parents and community members, need to develop a plan for dealing with hate-motivated behavior in accord with agreed policy and guidelines. Staff members need to receive training and materials necessary for the success of the plan.

• Administrators must provide leadership and support by developing and promoting guidelines which schools can customize into action plans.

• Governing boards have the responsibility to develop and support policies which inform every school that the prevention of hate-motivated behavior and provision of victim assistance are required mandates. Board policies on hate-motivated behavior in schools are critical to the success of safe school strategies.

• Law enforcement agencies should be part of the team by communicating clear policies and protocols for dealing with hate-motivated behavior and crime. Many agencies will provide, when appropriate, training, victim assistance, presentations and materials for dealing with hate-motivated incidents.

• Community-based organizations, public service agencies, service clubs, senior centers, business owners and religious organizations are all part of the solution. Some service clubs and businesses make it a priority to develop partnerships with schools. Many have national and international resources which can help.

Prevention

Teachers, principals, counselors, parents, grandparents and extended family members should model behavior for children which promotes dignity, respect and appreciation of diversity for people from all backgrounds and cultures.

It's the school's responsibility to ensure that established standards of behavior are followed. Standards should promote respect for all people and for oneself. School personnel must demonstrate to students that each person is valued as are all cultural differences brought from home to school.

Use the teachable moment

Teachers need to be trained to recognize and appropriately respond to hate-motivated incidents that occur in their groups. When teachers are aware of such acts and are comfortable responding to them, they can use this teachable moment to help students understand the damage and hurt that can be brought about by such behavior. 

A suggested prevention process might contain the following:

• Specify the rules of conduct, the procedures for reporting a hate crime and the consequences for those who commit any hate-motivated behavior.

• Assess the existing school climate and identify potential problems. Use the data to plan and improve programs.

• Adopt a curriculum which includes or enhances multicultural components.

• Provide staff training which will help teachers to respond immediately and appropriately to hate-motivated incidents in the classroom, accurately report hate-motivated incidents and provide needed assistance for the victim and offender.

• Provide workshops for teachers, parents, families and community partners which teach the importance of setting examples and provide the opportunity for participants to model positive behavior toward youths.

• Support student activities that promote appreciation and respect for differences among people.

Support after-school, evening and weekend events which demonstrate how students can harmoniously work together, learn from one another and resolve conflicts among members of a dissimilar student body.

Responding

Schools must have a clear set of procedures to follow when responding to hate-motivated incidents.

Steps that ensure the safety of the victim, provide for appropriate disciplinary action for the perpetrator and establish a standardized reporting system are important procedures to have in place at every school.

Responses could be timed as follows:

• Immediately: Stop the behavior and address the problem. Discuss the incident with the student(s) involved and interview possible witnesses. Provide immediate and reasonable consequences for the perpetrator (based on school guidelines).

• The same day: Provide immediate staff response to all reports of hate motivated incidents. Request assistance, if necessary.

Get assistance for the teacher if he or she is uneasy in dealing with this issue. Disseminate accurate information across the campus before rumors spread. Provide victims of hate-motivated behavior crime with support and assistance, including referral to victim support agencies, if appropriate. Inform the victim's and perpetrator's parents that the school is taking the incident seriously.

• As soon as possible: Proceed with appropriate disciplinary action, follow-up activities with the students, staff and community, etc.

Casting seeds of harmony

Reducing hate-motivated behavior requires selfless acts by caring adults who may never receive direct acknowledgment of their efforts.

We may cast seeds of harmony throughout the lives of our children.

But no matter how carefully we tend the seeds, they might not bear fruit in our lifetime. Tomorrow's youths may never know that we were the ones who planted the seeds in the first place, yet their future world will be better because of our actions today.

—    Hilda Quiroz

The victims and perpetrators

Embarrassment or fear of retribution often prevents the student from reporting the incident. Staff members must strive to maintain an atmosphere of trust, safety and confidentiality so that students feel comfortable sharing their experiences. School staff should provide support to a student victimized by hate-motivated behavior - but there are more victims.

A crime against one can affect the entire community. Other students in the school often become the secondary victims in a hate-motivated incident. They may feel as threatened as the victim and require the same support. Administrators and staff must assure students that their school is a safe, friendly place where they can learn.

Staff should also know how to work with a student who has perpetrated a hate-motivated act to promote rehabilitation and higher levels of awareness.

A sample policy

An established board policy is critical to the successful prevention. An example: "It's the intent of this school to promote harmonious human relationships that enable students to gain a true understanding of the rights and duties of people in our society.

The school is responsible for creating an environment that fosters positive attitudes and practices among students and staff. In addition, the school is responsible for creating and protecting an environment that mitigates against anxiety producing or demeaning incidents taking place within the confines of the school.

These incidents include, but aren't limited to, those targeting members of a particular race, ethnicity, religion, sex, disability, or sexual orientation.

It's our intent to provide an environment that further allows persons to realize their full individual potential through an understanding and appreciation of the society's diversity of race, ethnicity, religion and sexual orientation. To accomplish this objective, the district will be accountable through a visible commitment to human rights.