I'll assume you've already drafted your philosophy of life. Now, let's see how research can help us live the ideal of helping others (if that isn't one of your values, read on anyway). See Kohn (1992) for an excellent review of the good side of people. What kind of people are good to others?

They tend to be more confident, happier, positive, more achieving and not very self-centered or dominant (Myers, 1992; Wilson, 1976: Whiting & Whiting, 1975). Caring people also tend to be more active, assertive (cooperative but not competitive), more free to express feelings, more gregarious (Mussen & Eisenberg-Berg, 1977) and not surprising, more sensitive to others' needs and empathic with others' feelings.

Actually, if we ourselves have experienced the same stressful situations as a troubled person is experiencing, we're more likely to show concern for them (Dovidio & Morris, 1975).

Altruistic people are more honest, have greater self-efficacy and self-control and feel more responsible and integrated (Ruston, 1980). The research just cited tells us some of the interpersonal characteristics that are associated with being considerate; perhaps self-help projects developing some of these related traits would help you gradually increase your altruism.

Parents, who discourage aggression and are sharing, caring and empathic themselves, showing the child how and why to help others, are more likely to produce altruistic children (Kohn, 1988). Such parents often give the child practice caring for a sibling or a dog and encourage the child to see him/herself as sensitive to others' needs.

At an early age, girls and boys are curious, gentle and helpful with a baby. Helping comes natural to most humans if they have had good interpersonal relationships. Etzione (1993) says the evidence is clear that youngsters close to their parents are less likely to become delinquent.

Divorce often disrupts the relationship with one parent. Other relationships are also less meaningful: children have babysitters rather than nannies. Larger schools afford less bonding with teachers and perhaps with peers. There are fewer and fewer master craftsmen/women for young people to relate to at work. The world is becoming less personally caring.

More recent research (Tangney, 1988; Betancourt, Hardin & Manzi, 1988) suggests helping is related to:

• guilt feelings ("I feel badly about what I did") but not shame ("I'm an awful person")

• believing the helpee isn't to blame for his/her problems

• focusing on the helpee's feelings (rather than remaining "objective")

• having other emotions, both positive (sympathy, grief, pity, or sadness) and negative (upset, worried, or angry about the circumstances).

Perhaps as a society we are less personally involved in relationships than we used to be. Emotions and values are closely connected.

What factors in the environment help us become a giving person? Naturally, caring more frequently occurs where the helpee is liked and where helping similar persons has been modeled by others and is rewarded, e.g., when a person really needs help and shows their appreciation.

However, bystanders will often deny or overlook the needs of others, such as a person who is sick, drunk, or being attacked. We assume others will step in and help. But others don't. This occurs even when the hurting person is right in front of us, so is it any wonder that we don't think much about the poor in the slums along the freeway as we speed by or that we quickly forget about the sick or uneducated child we see on TV who is 10,000 miles away? (McGovern, Ditzian, & Taylor, 1975; Weiss, Boyer, Lombardo, & Stich, 1973; Mussen & Eisenberg-Berg, 1977)

Research has also documented the obvious, namely, that a warm, friendly community or environment encourages more helping responses than a cold, suspicious, punitive situation.

So be friendly and choose friends who are generous to others. As you might expect, if the situation poses some danger - like intervening in a family fight - we're less likely to offer help.

There's some danger there. But, as you might not expect, research has also shown that the more people present at the scene of a crisis (& thus, less dangerous), the less likely it is that a person will offer help, presumably because each person assumes that someone else will call an ambulance or give first aid, etc. (Staub, 1975). So look for things you can do. Don't assume that someone else will come to the rescue.

Perhaps the most important awareness for you to have is this: knowing the steps involved in helping someone increases the likelihood (from 25% to 42%) that you or I'll actually offer help.

Thus, training programs are important, there one can practice by role-playing helpful, empathic and caring responses. "Affective education" where one listens to moral stories and discusses morals and moral dilemmas in small groups increases behavior considerate of others. Haan, Aerts, and Cooper (1985) concluded, however, that strictly academic or intellectual discussions of moral principles don't help us much.

Instead, getting involved in a real group where real interpersonal conflicts arise and are worked out fairly is a great learning experience. We need to get emotionally involved and experience the feelings, intentions and actions of others when in conflict; we need to observe the consequences of others' actions when in moral dilemmas. Making a commitment to be helpful to others is also important (Staub, 1975; Maitland & Goldman, 1974; Vitz, 1990).

Helping Children Resolve Emotional Hurts  By Naomi Aldort

Dahlia was running around the house screaming and crying. "I hate her! I hate her! I will never play with her again!" Finally, her steps slowed and she told her father what had happened.

He listened attentively. When she stopped, he asked, "Is there anything else?" Dahlia added more details and resumed crying bitterly. Father listened. When Dahlia stopped talking, he acknowledged,

"It must hurt to be teased like this by your best friend Tina."

Dahlia accepted her father's embrace and support as she sobbed some more in his arms. Then as suddenly as the storm of tears began, she was finished.

She got up and cheerfully announced, "Daddy, did you know that tomorrow Tina and I are going together to the beach? We're building a log house there with Adam and Tom. I'll tell Tina before we go that I won't ruin her work again and I'm sure she'll be nice to me."

Why was this encounter so successful? How did Dahlia get over her upset so completely and become aware of her responsibility in the matter on her own?

There were 3 main ingredients in her father's reaction that worked:

1) Attention or acting attentively

2) Respect

3) Trust

He gave his daughter full attention and took her seriously as she poured out her feelings. He respected her by not intervening w/words of wisdom, advice or help.

He validated the feelings she expressed. And he trusted her to do and say what she needed in order to lead herself toward resolution of her emotions.

In other words, he followed her lead and supported her as she resolved her own upset until her cup of anguish was "empty" and she was ready to get back into life. Some may be surprised that not only did she recover her spirit, but also admitted her own cause in the matter and made a commitment to "clean up her act."

It would have been so tempting for her father to inquire, "What did you do to cause this?" or to make a suggestion such as, "Maybe you can get together and talk about it."

But his trust and support gave Dahlia the power to generate her own insight.

We're often tempted to share our wisdom and give advice to our children instead of listening to them. Consider this - when we do give advice or feedback like: "Maybe you hurt her too?" or: "You should've called me" or any other comment representing our own perception of the situation, the result is almost always an escalation of the upset into a bigger tantrum. Why?

Because now, in addition to whatever other hurt the child is dealing with, she's furious at us for not listening and for judging and undermining who she is. It's never useful to give advice to the wise. And our children are very wise - indeed masterful - at healing themselves from emotional upsets and distress when given supportive nonjudgmental attention.

Although our society is generally known to be uncomfortable with silence, saying nothing is often the best thing we can do for our child's emotional well-being.

Silent, attentive listening is a vote of confidence, trust, respect and love. Listening gives the child a clear message that we care, that we accept her - even when her actions aren't approved and that her safe way of unloading the pain is trusted and respected.

Even knowing this, I sometimes find myself advising my children in spite of my better intentions. When I catch myself, I apologize and resume listening.

If words of validation bring on a wave of fury in your child, remember silence. The child needs to be listened to and giving the gift of silence is often the best way to show love.

True validation with no hidden judgment or advice helps the child to express her feelings through crying, which leads to emotional recovery. Sometimes it may generate rage, which when freely expressed will unleash the pain as well.

Even though a dramatic expression of emotions may feel uncomfortable to us, to the child it's a healthy way to release the pent-up emotion.

I've more than once listened to vows of hate and anguish between siblings who screamed, "I'll never play with him!" I said nothing but "Oh" at the very end and was always rewarded with the sound of laughter ringing from the playroom within minutes.

When hateful feelings are expressed in the validation of silent listening, the child can move through the emotion and experience love and happiness.

Parents often pose this question about their child's chosen form of expression. "Yes," they say, "but what if the child is being destructive or hurting someone in his anger and anguish?"

First of all, we need to consider what destructiveness is. The opportunities for children to heal themselves from emotional hurt are many and abound in everyday life for every child. If the action is safe for everyone - let the child do it!

In fact, a parent can increase the value of a safe aggressive act by supporting the child in feeling powerful. Most children's agonies come from feeling helpless, controlled and powerless.

One day when one of my sons was 4, he emptied his chest of clothes onto the floor with glee. I responded with a dramatic, "Oh No!" which gave him the sense of power he was looking for. I reorganized it only so that he could repeat the "therapy."

I trusted in his need to do so and in the usefulness of the process. After two months of this game and other safe "power games," the behavior disappeared and with it a lot of jealousy-related stress and disruptive behavior.

The same is true in regard to children's aggressive games with each other. Often what shows up as a fight with a victim is really a very effective therapy for all involved. When no one is really hurt, staying out of the way is best. Again, trust is the rule. If things aren't safe, someone will come seeking assistance.

When a baby is involved or we're otherwise concerned, we can follow our instincts to glance and check on them to make sure they're safe, but we should stay unseen when possible.

There are many other examples of safe aggression as well as activities that can easily be redirected to safe ones. Tearing books can be directed to a pile of old magazines, painting walls to art work on paper.

A simple need to break things can be redirected to making kindling from the wood pile outside or breaking some useless material we intend to throw away. When it's safe it isn't really destructive.

Contrary to the concerns of many parents, children distinguish well between the support of an emotional need and blanket permission to destroy. They'll not become destructive or disrespectful of valued property.

The opposite will result. Letting their need pour out freely and safely will allow them to be peaceful and respectful of possessions we care about and yet remain clear about the distinction between what can be broken and what shouldn't.

Our fears aren't only unfounded, but also get in the way of helping our children.

A real destructiveness is one that is unsafe or too difficult to repair. In these cases, guidance and special attention should be given to the source of the problem. A destructive behavior signifies a great pain and need.

It's when they behave the worst that children need our love the most. A child needs to know that expressing anger through words, tears, screams, or safe aggressive actions is fine, but hurting others or destroying things is absolutely not acceptable and needs to be stopped.

The destructive child needs our help in dealing with his source of pain. He needs our compassion, love and lots of time. But first, the aggressive unsafe act needs to be stopped immediately, without hurting or insulting the child.

This may be very difficult at times since our own pain drives us to anger despite ourselves. We need to treat ourselves with the same compassion we do our child. Like the child, we can't allow our anger to hurt another and at the same time we need an outlet to our self-expression.

In my work w/parents I've found that yelling actually doesn't help us deal w/our pain - it's a cover-up. When we do control our impulse to yell or punish & respond compassionately, we sometimes are fortunate to feel the pain & even cry.

Another factor is the modeling to our child. Children lose control just like adults, but more easily & have less experience in handling themselves when upset. When we respond to their out of control behavior in a gentle & loving way, we're showing them by example a model of self-control & compassion they can emulate.

Children look to us for reassurance that when they grow up they will be more able to control their own impulses. Seeing us out of control toward them is therefore very discouraging & disabling - especially on top of the personal hurt this causes them.

If we can't control our pain-based impulses how can they?

When we stop an unsafe, out-of-control act in a gentle manner, we send our child a triple reassurance:

1) "I can count on my parents to help me when I lose control."

2) "When I grow up I'll be able to control myself & act w/compassion like my parents do."

3) "My parent sees my need. I'm not bad; it's my action that's wrong. I'm loved & lovable & like them, I'll learn to express myself freely but safely."

It's therefore best to stop an unsafe act gently & clearly. A child needs a reminder that feelings can be expressed but not acted on. An aggressor can be lovingly removed from the act, hugged (when receptive) & told: "I see you're very upset, (angry, scared). I'll help you vent your feelings safely & resolve your needs."

When there's a victim, we should tend to him first, w/out scolding the aggressor. The aggressor will benefit from watching our compassion toward the hurt child & is likely to feel remorse. Scolding or punishing the aggressor, on the other hand, takes the opportunity for developing remorse away from him.

Instead, he may feel rage & self-hatred.

When Lennon was 4 1/2, he became very annoying & sometimes aggressive toward his I 1/2-year-old brother, Oliver. Since this was a new behavior in our house, we didn't think much about it initially & just brushed him off w/orders to stop it - in a stern voice.

Two weeks later, when alone w/Lennon, I expressed my love for him & told him what a wonderful person he was. I was shaken by his response: "You don't love me. I'm terrible."

"Why?" I asked anxiously & he answered: "Because I hurt Oliver." A child who was never punished & had always been a cheerful delight was wilting in front of my eyes w/jealousy & was developing a low self-image.

That day I started hugging him every time he disturbed or hurt Oliver. I know this sounds like a reward - but only to us grown-ups. A child who hurts isn't experiencing himself as being bad. He's experiencing a deep pain, loneliness, lovelessness & loss of control.

I responded to his cry for help & love by giving him what he needed. My initial reaction was based on fear & was therefore counter-productive, When I ordered Lennon to stop disturbing his brother - then & only then were his feelings of being "bad" internalized & reinforced.

If I had continued scolding him, he may have turned into a bitter bully. Instead, I changed my behavior & responded to his plea for love.

Discovering the source of the problem - jealousy - led me to devote a lot of one-on-one time w/Lennon, boosting his self-image. "I'm so lucky to share life w/you," "You're so important to me," "I love you," "What an awesome person you are" are all words I shared in our times together.

When he hurt his brother, I'd stop him gently, give love & say "You're a wonderful person. I see that you want to hurt your brother. It's normal to feel that way. I love you just the same when you're hurting him, but we can't hurt him. When you grow up you'll be able to control yourself. For now I'll help you."

And I helped him until he recovered his exuberance & love of life, of himself & of his brother.

There are many such stories from my family & families I work with. The common thread in all of them is trusting the child. If she "misbehaves," she's hurting inside. If our compassionate response isn't helping, it doesn't mean we should stop trusting & accepting.

Rather, it means that there's more to the cause than meets the eye. We need to search, or seek the help of someone who can help us do the detective work into our child's soul. Our love & compassion are our greatest assets in these emotional adventures.

We may find it difficult to put our own emotional reactions aside - our anger, our upset & our unresolved problems from our own childhood. These are real obstacles to helping our children. When reaction seems unavoidable, I remove myself from the scene (not necessarily physically), take a breath & "time out" for myself.

I try to get in touch w/the trigger of my emotions & cry, or just calm down enough to be able to attend to my child, keeping my ego out of the way.

When validated & listened to, children unload emotional upsets in their own creative ways. It's important to allow crying to take its full course (while giving the child our full attention) & to develop attentiveness to tantrums & rage expressions.

Being noisy, giggly & screechy are also emotionally beneficial. Other than moving ourselves to a different room, or asking the children to keep their play in another room (or outside) - these have no "cure".

Rather, these behaviors are the cure & the child's way of healing many of life's upsets. Children are simply magical at directing their own dramatic moments. We can trust them & learn from them.

When we face behavior in our children that's upsetting to us, we have 2 choices. We can respond from our own fear (which may lead to words & acts that invalidate) or we can empathize w/the child (which is a response of love).

Although sometimes parents may need a counselor's assistance w/children, developing trust & the ability to listen & validate can go a long way toward a harmonious family life & emotionally healthy, self-reliant children.

Mother Nurture: Getting more help from your partner

Rick Hanson, PhD and Jan Hanson, MS

Parenting is a lot of work! But to be the best parents we can be, we have to take time to nurture ourselves as the people we are outside of being Mom or Dad. Psychologist Rick Hanson, PhD & acupuncturist & nutritionist Jan Hanson, MS, authors of Mother Nurture: A Mother's Guide to Health in Body, Mind & Intimate Relationships, are here to help!

Your question:
I did all the organizing for our son's second birthday, hoping that Bob would help out during the party itself.

But no, he spent the whole time talking w/his buddies while I raced around doing everything, except for when he cut the cake & then looked at me like he deserved some kind of reward!

I want someone who doesn't need me to stomp my feet to get some help, who takes initiative w/the kids & the house, whose mind isn't elsewhere all the time. Somebody who does things because he wants to do his share, not just to get me off his back. I need to really feel like I have another half.

Rick & Jan Hanson answer:

Some couples are equal partners in the work of making a family. But that's the exception, since many studies have found that the average mother is on-task, working away at one thing or another, about 20 hours a week MORE than her partner is, whether or not she is drawing a paycheck. And if she has no partner, in most cases just about all of the work of raising children falls to her alone.

If you're one the many mothers who would like more help from the father of your children, we suggest you do 2 things:

• Establish the facts of who is doing what: One good way is to keep a fair record several days or a week of how each of you spends your time (keep it simple & don't take more than 5 minutes a day to track your time); facts are facts!

He says: "I'm not as good at it as you are. Plus the kids go to you anyway."

You say: "Like anything, you just need to practice a little. The kids will get used to you doing certain things & I'll direct them to you more. Plus you could initiate & not wait for the kids to come to me. Additionally, even if I'm the one who always washes their hair, you could still help more by reading to them or cleaning up the kitchen."

He says: "You always interfere & I've quit trying." You say: "I don't always interfere, but I do sometimes. I'm trying to help, anyway, not interfere, but I can understand that you feel crowded, so I'll promise to back off."

He says: "You just want someone to do things for you."

You say: "Nope, I want you to do things with me. It's not just about getting stuff done. When you do your part, it makes me feel connected to you, like I'm not alone & we're in this together. I made a baby with you & I'd love for us to share that experience in a happy way together."

He says: "I do more than my dad did."

You say: "That's great & I appreciate it. But there's still more to do if we're going to be fair about it."

He says: "That's woman's work."

You say: "There is no law that says so. You did dishes before you met me & it wasn't women's work then.

I don't think you take it easy while I wash clothes or give the kids a bath out of high moral principle, but simply because that's your personal preference. You're just as capable as I am of putting a child to sleep or feeding a toddler."

He says: "My job is so stressful that I need to rest at home."

You say: "Remember how you nearly fainted w/relief when I finally got home after you were alone w/the kids that one time for a few hours?

Now imagine doing that for many hours instead of a few & for a 1000 days instead of 1. If we're talking about getting a break based on the stress level of our typical day, in fairness I deserve rest at least as much as you."

He says: "Making a living counts for more than raising children."

You say: "I believe that it's the other way around. Child rearing counts for more since it so directly impacts our precious children. And it's usually harder, day after day. I'm not setting child rearing above making a living. But it is at least equal."

He says: "I make all the money, so you should handle the housework & kids."

You say: "I do handle the housework & kids while you're making money. I'm talking about what you do when you're not commuting or at work.

You wanted children & now we've got them. You can see that it's best for them when we're both involved in the morning, at night, or over the weekend.

Speaking personally, it doesn't feel fair for me to keep on going while you watch TV or go out w/your friends. How would you feel about someone at work who did that sort of thing while you kept getting things done? Would you feel resentful? Would you be eager for them to do their share?"

He says: "I make more money than you."

You say: "I appreciate all the money you bring into our family. But that doesn't change what's good for our children & our relationship when we're both at home in the mornings, evenings & weekends." (And follow with the points just above.)

He says: "It's because you're working that the kids need so much & there's so much housework."

You say: "I think that's hitting below the belt. If I didn't work, our kids would still need you to help out in the evenings & weekends.

We need my salary & even if we didn't, I have as much right to work as you. Besides, we could just as well turn the point against you: The kids wouldn't need so much if you, their father, stayed home.

In fairness, the hard choices between career & time w/children should fall just as much on a father as a mother. We both work, we both need to parent & we both need to do housework."

He says: "Quit telling me what to do."

You say: "I don't want to tell you what to do. Usually I try not to. And if I ever do, it's because you won't make a reasonable agreement w/me about who does what -- or you make one but don't stick with it.

I'm the messenger of what our kids or home needs, so please don't be angry at me for just bringing the message. If you saw what needed doing in the first place, I wouldn't have to bring a message at all. Besides, why is it fair for you to tell me what to do about the car or computer or mutual fund or whatever but I can't tell you anything about what to put in a lunchbox?"

He says: "Get off my back, or else."

You say: "I'd be glad to talk about this when you're calmer. But I'm going to ask: What's the 'or else?' Are you really going to hit me or walk out on your kids because I'm tired of picking your socks off the floor? Because I'd appreciate it if you'd get home sooner? Your kids need you to be more involved, I need it, and our marriage does, too."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Help Steer Teens Away from Alcohol

Alcohol abuse is a serious problem in our country. Its effect on adults has been well publicized. Addiction, spouse abuse, lost jobs, homicides & driving while intoxicated are among the issues we hear about daily.

Alcoholism isn't just an adult problem. It'll surprise many parents to learn that alcohol is the most widely used & abused drug among children & adolescents in America today.

Although the nation’s alcohol consumption has been on a decline for years, drinking among minors is out of control. According to the American Academy of Pediatrics, there are approximately 3 million problem drinkers ages 13 to 17 & more than 300,000 teenagers dependent on alcohol.

1 out of 7 4th graders already has consumed alcohol to the point of intoxication. About 4.6 million 14 to 17 year olds have experienced the negative consequences (arrest, involvement in an accident, impaired health, poor school performance, suicides & drowning) from using alcohol.

Children under 18 drink 37% of all wine coolers sold in the US. Alcohol related motor vehicle accidents in the US are the leading cause of death among 15 to 24 year olds. On any given weekend night, 15% of all adolescents driving are legally intoxicated & nearly 8 young people die each day - 1 every 3 hours - in an alcohol related vehicular crash.

Young people begin using alcohol for many reasons. The desire to be accepted & popular is important for teenagers & many young people can't resist the pressure from peers who've already tried drinking.

Adolescence is also the time when children want to "grow up" quickly & young people turn to alcohol as a way of emulating adult behavior. After all, alcohol is hard to avoid! Before turning 18, the average child will see over 80,000 drinking scenes on television & in the movies.

In almost every place people gather to socialize or party, alcohol will probably be served. Teenagers also drink to escape adolescent problems, to reduce social uneasiness & to bolster a poor self-image.

Ironically, parents may unconsciously encourage alcohol use in their children. Adults sometimes minimize aberrant drinking behavior & even joke about the effects of heavy drinking.

The ability to consume a lot of alcohol is associated w/being a "real man or woman" & the message teens get from movie stars getting drunk is that "it’s cool to drink." This attitude is enhanced by comedy routines that portray "the drunk" as a funny, lovable character rather than one who is self-destructive & a threat to others.

Parents send mixed signals when they admonish their child about drinking & then turn to alcohol themselves in an attempt to solve marital, business or personal problems.

Two-thirds of children who drink buy their own alcoholic beverages. Young people get around purchase laws by having older friends buy alcoholic drinks for them, by using "fake" identifications & by buying from stores that don’t obey the law. Another source of alcohol for teens is the home - w/out adult monitoring. Large unsupervised parties where kids drink to get drunk are regular weekend happenings for many American teenagers.

Parents often are unaware that alcohol has become a problem for their child until the condition is well advanced. Clearly, alcohol abuse unfolds in a way similar to that of other mood-altering drugs. Initially, the adolescent begins to experiment w/alcohol to be part of a peer group. The youngster likes alcohol’s effects & begins drinking on the weekends, showing no other behavioral changes.

During the 2nd stage, the young person seeks opportunities to drink in order to handle stress or make themselves feel good. Parents may notice subtle physical & behavioral differences, such as red eyes, the smell of alcohol, excessive use of breath -fresheners, irritability or tremors.

The teen soon becomes unconcerned about personal appearance, seems tired all the time & begins "hanging out" w/others who drink. Alcohol dependency becomes evident during the 3rd stage, when achieving alcohol-induced highs becomes the adolescent’s top priority. The young person frequently steals money to purchase alcohol.

Parents are often contacted by school officials because of unexplained absenteeism & falling grades. All "straight" non-drinking friends are dropped & the teenager keeps late hours, usually lying about his or her whereabouts. The yougster displays sudden mood changes & begins to avoid participating in family functions.

The youngster is involved in brushes w/the law (speeding, DWI, disorderly conduct) & suffers from unexplained illnesses & injuries. During the 4th stage, the teenager becomes totally dependent on alcohol to function both physically & socially. He or she begins drinking alone & all previously described symptoms intensify.

Some parents inadvertently promote the alcohol abuse by expressing relief when they find out their child is "only" using alcohol instead of other drugs. Unfortunately, kids who drink are at a greater risk for other substance abuse. Most drug using adolescents begin w/beer or wine, then progress to hard liquor, marijuana & cocaine. Rarely does substance abuse begin w/marijuana or other illicit drugs.

Tension in the family rises & communication between the alcoholic teenager & parents is broken off. 

Helping Kids With the Scary Truth
Preparing children to visit a parent in intensive care  by Kathleen McCue & Ron Bonn

This excerpt is taken from "How to Help Children Through a Parent's Serious Illness," published by St. Martin's Press.

The sight of a seriously ill parent in a hospital critical-care unit is frightening. All the masks are gone, even those minimal little cosmetic aids with which we face our loved ones daily--a shave, combed hair, dentures. What remains is a pallid husk, hooked up to a terrifying array of catheters, drips & monitors. How can we even think of inflicting such a sight on a child?

The answer is, your child is entitled. The more menacing the situation, the more important for your child's future well-being that he have this opportunity--perhaps this final opportunity--to visit if he wants to.

That's still Dad or Mom on the other end of all that hardware & most children are going to want to go. (Some won't & that's OK. It's a decision best left to the child.) And I can assure you, most children who want to visit can handle the visit just fine--we simply have to prepare for it.

Dress Rehearsal

Sit down w/your children in advance. Explain exactly what Mom or Dad looks like today; you might even sketch that there's an I.V. drip here because Mom or Dad can't eat yet, a huge bandage covering where the doctors went in to take out the tumor, a breathing tube in the mouth. Let your children know just what they're going to see before they walk in on it.

If the parent is really sick, taking a Polaroid photograph to show the children can be a terrific help--just be sure that the hospital staff says it's OK & won't compromise the parent's medical situation. Go over the picture w/the children, explaining exactly what's going on & what each piece of equipment is for.

Keep in mind: The older the child, the more preparation he or she may need before going to see a parent whose appearance is dramatically altered. "Mom really looks different now because of the surgery. Just remember that she's still Mom & she still loves you. Everything else is just the surface."

It's important to prepare children, not just for what they'll see, but for what they'll feel when they visit a parent in intensive care--especially a parent whom they haven't seen for a while. What they'll see may make them feel frightened, may make them feel like crying. And all those feelings are OK.

A parent whose appearance is seriously altered & particularly one who can't respond, may trigger an overwhelming wave of fear or grief even in a child who's been well prepared. So part of that preparation should be:

"Now, when you see Mom, it may be hard for you to handle. You may just want to cry, you may want to leave the room. However you feel, that's OK, sweetie. Don't be afraid, don't be ashamed. If you want to cry, I'm here to hold you. If you want to leave the room for a while, that's what we'll do. Mom will understand; I'll understand.

(And you want to be sure that the sick parent does understand. Warning her how her child may react is a crucial part of preparing for the child's visit.)

If, after this kind of preparation, your child decides that, well, maybe I don't want to do this right now, that's fine. But if, as is more likely, she still wants to visit Mom, then you've done it right--you've given her the preparation she'll need.

The Visit Itself

In planning the visit itself, keep 3 points in mind:

1. It should be the child's visit, planned around him or her. If you, Mom, want to get & give the comfort of just holding your husband's hand silently for half an hour, do that another time. Don't plan on leaving the room to talk w/a doctor or a nurse or a social worker. Your child's visit is for your child. You're there for support.

2. Plan the specifics of the visit & make sure in advance that what you want for the children is okay w/the medical staff. That may mean conferring w/the doctor; more often, you'll talk to the head nurse, who is in continuous contact w/the patient & sympathetic to family needs.

[But, even after you've made your plan & reviewed it fully w/your children,] don't go into the unit with any specific expectations. It's all right for the children to kiss the sick parent, but it's also all right for them to decide not to. You make the suggestions; let them decide.

3. Plan a brief visit & odd as it may seem, the older the child, the shorter the visit. Very young children, who don't fully understand what's going on, will be fine playing w/their toys for a while around the foot of Dad's bed.

But once the older child has had his visit w/Daddy, his imagination will begin to wander--that array of tubes & beeping monitors is going to start overwhelming him, terrifying him w/the menace of the unknown.

So, plan to fill the time & then leave; don't give your kids empty minutes to start imagining bad things.

This article was excerpted with permission of the authors from "How to Help Children Through a Parent's Serious Illness," published by St. Martin's Press. Copyright 1996, Ron Bonn & Kathleen McCue.

Since the start of the women's movement in the 1960s, inequities faced by girls have received considerable attention. But by many measures, boys are in far worse shape, according to Gurian.

The vast majority of children who commit crimes, [who] are murdered, wind up in prison, suffer physical abuse, kill themselves, go homeless, need foster-care, or are drug- or alcohol-addicted are males.

They're also far more likely to be put in special-education classes or diagnosed w/attention-deficit disorder & prescribed the drug Ritalin - as Gurian himself was as a teenager.

"My work is about helping boys belong," he tells a Bulletin reporter in the living room of his home. "I'm really into a boy having an extended family. Boys need more personnel in their lives. There's kind of an emergency when boys don't get enough mentoring & enough direction."

This is especially important for boys, Gurian argues, because they tend to be more impulsive than girls & less able to form close personal relationships.

The wildness of Gurian's youth is nowhere to be seen in the relaxed man he has become. Although he's now something of a celebrity, having appeared on dozens of TV & radio talk shows, he retains an easygoing manner.

He dresses on this day in sneakers, khakis & pullover. Later his wife Gail, also a family therapist, appears w/tea & muffins.

That the couple have 2 daughters & no sons was fate, jokes Gurian. "If I'd had boys I'd have experimented on them!" he says.

Gurian's conversation ranges easily from a defense of women's rights to Eastern religions to the role the military can play in teaching young men honor & self-sacrifice. Perhaps his most "radical" theory is that boys & girls are indeed different from each other -- not only because of how they're raised, but because of biological differences in their brains & hormones.

When Gurian explained this idea to his grandmother, she replied, 'You think they'll actually pay you to write that? We've all known that." To others, particularly feminist scholars, some of whom have criticized Gurian's work, anything resembling "biological determinism" -- the idea that biological makeup governs what we are & do is greeted with suspicion.

Gurian argues, however, that by acknowledging the inherent differences between boys & girls, we can arrive at the best strategies for raising both.

90% of my parenting plan could be applied to girls," he says. "But... things have to be applied differently." The goal for girls & boys, though, is the same: to become "self disciplined, loving, compassionate adults," as Gurian puts it. His message has found a wide following among parents & teachers, especially in the aftermath of the Columbine rampage & other school violence committed by young males.

In his search to avert such crises, Gurian studied 3 [digit missing?] cultures around the globe. He concluded that, in the United States, we have abandoned many of the time-honored ways that humans have raised their young, especially their sons.

Traditionally, he says, women have been responsible for young children of both sexes, but as boys hit adolescence, their care was taken over increasingly by fathers & other adult males.

"Cultures have always known that elders are the ones who train the young males in how to live their lives," he says.

But the days of raising sons to hunt for food, run the farm, or apprentice in the father's trade are long past for most Americans. Even in intact families, fathers are away at work during most of the children's waking hours. At the same time, grandparents often live away. Fewer young people have close ties to religion than was the case decades ago, thus removing for many yet another source of adult guidance.

At a time when such guidance is most critical, teen-ager are left to their own devices & "morally neglected," says Gurian, bombarded w/ violent & overtly sexual messages in movies, television, video games & music.

"If we had to look at the top 3 problems right now in our culture, the lack of fathers & other older males in the lives of young males would have to be at the top," he says. Fix that, he believes, & a host of problems would diminish.

While acknowledging the importance of a strong & supportive mother, Gurian believes the role of a father is especially important in a boy's life. He says this is particularly true during adolescence, which he considers the most fragile time in a boy's moral development.

"[Boys] need people of their own biology to help them control & cope w/their inherent urges & drives. They need men to help them understand by example how a man is different from a boy." 

With so many single mother families prevalent today, the role of grandparents, uncles, neighbors & other men in the community is critical.

Contrary to what some might think, single moms are common in many societies, he points out. In Turkey, for example, where Gurian & his wife spent 2 years, fathers frequently emigrate to another country to find work. But in their absence, grandparents & extended family members step up to help the mothers & fill the gap.

"Has humanity ever abandoned a single mom to raise her sons alone?"

He says single mothers must enlist the help of adults, whether it's seeking a male in her church or temple to act as a mentor, requesting a Big Brother or asking a male teacher or coach to become more involved w/her son. "Not only does the mother need to reach out, but the culture needs to reach back to help her," Gurian says.

Grandparents who live far away can still form deep bonds that will serve their grandchildren well, he says, thru weekend phone calls to their grandkids, regular visits back & forth & mail. Godparents can also be chosen to act as children's "mentors, friends & moral & emotional allies," he believes.

Gurian's own childhood was spent moving from town to town, as his father -"a professor w/wanderlust," according to Gurian - took on new assignments. Time spent w/extended family was rare. Occasionally, though, his grandfather would visit & take Gurian & his brother fishing at the beaver ponds near their home in Laramie, Wyo.

"Those are incredible memories for me," he says. "There is an osmosis that takes place that can't really be studied between young males & elder males. The boy's self fills up w/the energy of this elder male, even though you're sitting in a fishing boat silently for 3 hours."

The Gurians are determined that there will be close ties between their daughters & the children's grandparents. When Gurian's parents retired, he urged them to settle in Spokane.

"I helped my parents move here specifically for my children," he says. ~We opened up our community to them. I think people need to make sacrifices to get our extended families back together."

Gurian's strategies for raising boys are now being tested thru the Michael Gurian Institute, created last year by the Missouri Center for Safe Schools at the University of Missouri-Kansas City. The idea for the institute came from a federal judge who serves on the center's board.

"He was carrying around 'The Wonder of Boys' [Gurian's first book] & using it as a manual for rearing his own children," says Patricia Henley, executive director of the center, which, as its name implies, fosters safe, disruption-free schools. "He thought it had some of the answers we needed."

Seven school districts are participating in the institute's two year pilot project, which includes intensive teacher training as well as periodic onsite visits by Gurian.

"We thought it would take a couple of years before we'd know if his approach would make a difference," says Henley. "We're only halfway through the first year & already it's successful." She says the journals of teachers involved in the project are full of success stories.

For example, a young male teacher in a middle school now makes time to develop relationships w/some of his troubled students. "He even visits them in other classrooms to show them that what they're doing is important to him," says Henley. When the teacher saw one of his young charges misbehaving in another class, he pulled him aside & told him he expected better behavior from him. The boy's conduct improved.

One participating school is Edison Elementary in St. Joseph, Mo., where 80% of the children live below poverty level & most are being raised by single mothers. "Boys clearly behave differently in school than girls," says Dan Colgan, superintendent of St. Joseph public schools. "There's a higher number who are in our special education classrooms, particularly those being assigned to behavior-management classes."

Thru the institute, teachers at Edison are learning methods for helping boys deal with frustration & anger. In addition, volunteers, many of them older people, have been actively recruited & trained to mentor students. Colgan says, 'We find that children really respond to someone that they might see as Grandma or Grandpa."

Coming regularly to Kansas City to train teachers accounts for only some of the 60 or so trips Gurian makes in a year. He's active on the lecture circuit, delivering speeches to education, religious & criminal justice conferences, as well as making many book tours.

To keep up w/his speaking & writing, Gurian gave up his therapy practice. A prolific writer w/a dozen books to his credit, he recently completed a guide to character-building books & movies for boys & is at work on a book for educators. His next project: a book on girls that will examine the biological & cultural particularities of females. Ultimately, Gurian maintains, females would benefit as much as males if his theories were put into practice.

'Every time you raise a loving, wise & responsible man, you have created a better world for women," he says. "Women are having to bond w/half-men, w/boys who weren't fully raised to manhood, don't know how to bond, don't know what their responsibilities are to humanity & don't have a strong sense of service. All of those are what manhood is."

Fathers & sons

ADAPTED FROM his book, "The Good Son," is Michael Gurian's view of the role of fathers during a-boy's adolescence:

If the father has been distant -- either physically or emotionally -- during a boy's younger years, now is the time for him to become an active parent. If the father is unavailable, finding father substitutes is essential

The boy needs more time alone w/his dad, such as going on one-on-one outings.

The father should help guide his son toward other adult male mentors.

The father should begin challenging his son to achieve personal success & teaching him the rules of life from a male point of view.

Father & son should have discussions about values, ethics & decision-making & about masculine stereotypes that the father feels aren't helpful to a developing man.

How to Help When Someone You Love Is Fifty & Out of Work
by Marie Hartwell-Walker, Ed.D.

It's a familiar story in my practice these days. In the past year, I've seen perhaps a dozen couples in which the husband has been laid-off after 15 to 20 years w/the same company. As companies merge, move, downsize & reconfigure, it seems that older employees are often eased out or let go.

Rather than being honored for their age, experience & know-how, they find themselves 50-years-old & out of a job.

For a man who has spent his entire adult life developing a career w/one company, the loss of his job can be equated w/the loss of definition in his life. The job has given him structure, relationships, goals & a trajectory into the future.

Even if not entirely content, he has known where he's supposed to be, who he's supposed to be with, what he's supposed to be doing & where he's supposed to be going. Without that structure, he becomes disoriented & anxious.

Although many women today are also suffering job losses, I'm focusing this article on the men. For men of 50+ years, the situation often packs even more of a wallop.

In general, women develop their friendships & family relationships as well as their career paths. If the job ends, they have other successes on which to base their self-esteem. Men of this age, however, have often grounded their sense of self in their success as a provider.

When their job & the relationships within it go, they don't know who they are or where to turn.

I've learned to treat the situation very much like a death. The stages of death & dying, so eloquently described by Kubler-Ross (1997), apply. The individual is likely to cycle among denial, anger, bargaining & sadness many, many times before finally moving to a position of acceptance.

Aborting the process leads to trouble down the line. It's important to provide the time & space for the person to move thru these stages. Only then will he be able to take on the task of finding new work.

The Stages of Grief & Their Common Expression

Recognizing the stages of grief can be helpful to those who need to stay patient & supportive. When you hear statements like those listed here, you know that, as painful as the situation may be, your friend or family member is working it thru.

Rarely do people move thru the stages in a linear, step-by-step fashion. Usually they bounce among them until they settle into acceptance.

• Denial: "It isn't really happening." "They'll see that the merger makes no sense." "They'll call me back as soon as they realize the importance of what I was doing."
• Anger: "After all I've done for them over the years . . ." "Who do they think they are?" "I want to kill them." "IT'S NOT FAIR!!!"
• Bargaining: "I'd do anything to get my job back." "Do you think they'll listen if I make them an offer?" "I'll give them even more if they'll only let me show them what I can do."
• Sadness: "I can't imagine not seeing my team every day." "I worked so hard for so long & now this." "I feel like a piece of me has been cut off."
• Acceptance: "Hard times often lead to something better." "It's not something I'd have signed on for, but it's making me rethink my priorities & my career."

During the process of grieving his job, it's not at all unusual for a man to develop symptoms of depression. It becomes difficult for him to get to sleep or he sleeps far too much. Sometimes he wakes early in the morning & can't get back to sleep no matter how hard he tries.

His appetite is off. He feels worthless & hopeless. Even if he knows that the situation isn't his fault, he may suffer acute shame. He doesn't think he'll ever be able to face his friends & co-workers again. He has difficulty concentrating. Making decisions seems overwhelming.

Well-meaning friends & relatives often get impatient w/the process. Whether it is the loss of a loved one or the loss of a job, American culture seems to put a quota on how much grief is allowed. After a few weeks, the sympathy & support often stop & the criticism & advice begin.

It's not at all unusual for a person to be told to "snap out of it." Friends & family want him to get over it & get on w/the business of finding a new job. He will do that -- eventually. But it's only when a person has gotten in touch w/all of the stages of grief & expressed them in all of their complexity that he can even begin to move on to accepting the situation & making new choices.

How You Can Help if Someone You Love is in Mid-Life & Unemployed

Recognize that it's uncomfortable for most of us to sit w/someone else's sadness & anger. Ask yourself if your efforts to cheer him up are geared toward helping your friend or relative, or are they aimed at making your own worry & fear go away.

A man who has suffered such a loss of personal identity & self-esteem needs to feel heard, accepted in his pain & loved before he'll be able to move on.

Allow room for all of the stages of grieving. This man hasn't only lost his sense of his present; he has also lost his idea of his future as he imagined it would unfold. This is no small thing.

If symptoms of depression develop or worsen, encourage him to see a psychiatrist & to consider an antidepressant medication (at least temporarily) to help manage his feelings so that he can begin to function again.

Help him find a job coach or career counselor. It's been a long time since he's been on the job hunt. Things have probably changed a great deal. He may need help w/everything from writing an effective resume, to knowing where to look for new work, to rehearsing for an interview. There are lots of books on the subject. And there are professionals who specialize in helping people get their careers back on track.

Every day, help him do something (almost anything) that gets him re-engaged w/life. Go w/him for a walk or a run. Get him a haircut. Put together an interview outfit. Pick up some books on career moves & talk about them.

Encourage him to start taking some action to retool or improve skills. People who stay engaged w/their problem & who begin to take even small steps to improve the situation are the people who bounce back.

Reference:

Kubler-Ross, E. (1997). On death and dying: What the dying have to teach doctors, nurses, clergy, and their own families, Reprint Edition. New York: Simon & Shuster.