  
The Beneficial Nature of Honesty
There are varying
degrees of honesty and varying amounts of benefits that arise from honesty.
Honesty ranges
from concrete-bound honesty to undivided honesty. While
certain careers contain many honest people, such as business and science, anyone can be
honest. That's because being honest or dishonest is a choice.
The following information
reveals 4 levels of honesty and their commensurate level of benefits to self.
-
Level of Honesty: concrete bound
honesty - Beneficial Results: feel good occasionally -
Example of People: minimum wage workers
-
Level of Honesty: sporadic conceptual honesty - Beneficial
Results: generally believe life is good and man can be trusted - Example of People: students working to develop their mind and character
-
Level of Honesty: conceptual honesty with occasional lapses - Beneficial
Results: gain capacity to achieve genuine power, prosperity and fulfillment - Example of People: value - producing teachers, artists, doctors and police personnel
-
Level of Honesty: fully conceptual, undivided honesty -Beneficial Results: become all powerful: control reality for limitless riches, romance and happiness - Example of People: value-producing inventors, philosophers, entrepreneurs & businesspeople
The more honest a person is, the more he or she gains the capacity to experience genuine power, wealth and happiness. People whose livelihoods arise from undivided honesty become super-powerful and soar far beyond traditional man.
Such people embrace
the value-producing essence of human beings. They emanate genuine power and good will. In reality, these honest individuals profoundly benefit themselves and other
people.
Recipe for Relationships in the 21st Century:
Ingredient #1:
Honesty
Let's face it, without honest communication, our
relationships are doomed to be confusing, at the very least. Yet forthright, direct communication doesn't come easily because, for most of us, it didn't exist in
our families and wasn't taught to us as children.
Many of us learned that it was wrong to steal or tell lies, but how many of our
parents supported us in emotional honesty? The accepted, often times only
permissible response to, "How was your day at school," was an automatic, "Fine."
Even as adults, how do we most often answer the question, "How's it going?" There
simply wasn't and isn't full acceptance out in the world for us to be emotionally honest.
So most of us are still struggling with the definition of emotional
honesty, much less have the tools for practicing it in our relationships.
First, let's look at why this kind of honesty
is vital to experiencing true intimacy in relationships.
Our natural connection with God, ourselves and others is spiritual in nature and the way we experience this connection is through our feelings. This is obvious while experiencing our joy, hope, love and sense of wonder about our connection with the universe.
Less often do we connect God with our anger, shame, fear, guilt and hopelessness. It'as been said, though, that God needs all of us. This is true in our intimate relationships as well. The degree of intimacy we can expect to enjoy with others is in direct proportion to our ability to share the fullness of who we are.
So if we're asked, "How's it going?" and we reply w/the well rehearsed "Fine" when
we're really feeling sad, angry, hurt or something else that could hardly be defined as "Fine," then we're leaving God, ourselves and the other person.
Obviously, in order for this honest expression
to take place it's necessary to be aware of our true feelings first.
Our feelings are energy, so even if we're not in touch with what they truly are, we're still projecting them in communication with others. Since we're always feeling something, this leaves us with 2 choices:
Most of us respond to what others are feeling / projecting, not what is being said. The obvious trick here is to know what we really are feeling. This is where our intimate relationships can provide a valuable mirror if we're willing to look at what's being reflected
to us.
A large part of self-honesty
is being open and teachable about seeing what feelings we may be projecting that we're not in touch with. Many of us just have a difficult time in saying "Ouch" when it hurts instead of going into anger, explanations, rationalizations, protecting others or a hundred other defenses.
In short, emotional honesty is an acquired skill
that doesn't come overnight and requires practice and patience. One suggestion is to reflect back on our communication in intimate relationships and ask the question:
"Did what I say accurately express all of what I was feeling? Did I say 'Ouch' if it hurt?"
If we keep our focus here and are open to new information, a higher level of honesty will develop with ourselves and others.
the conflict of honesty
We're
afraid to be honest. I’ll admit it, I am too. And we should be afraid of it.
Honesty
can cause conflict; uncomfortable, gut-wrenching, upsetting confrontations with people. We hate those and try to avoid them. One of the main reasons we try to avoid conflict is because we’re not very good at it.
And
because we avoid it, we never have a chance to become good at it.
Luckily,
many people have gone before you. Some of them have risked honesty and gotten good at the conflict it can create and some of them have even written down what they’ve learned.
It
seems that there are some basic rules you can follow and with a little practice, you can learn to deal with conflict in a way that helps other people and yourself at the same time.
Here
are the 2 main rules to follow when you find yourself in conflict with someone:
Listen well. Interruptions block the flow of communication and prevent progress. Sometimes an interruption jars or upsets the speaker. Give people your attention. Let them finish. Do your best to understand what they’re saying.
You don’t have to agree with what they’re saying, but
try to understand it from their point of view - try to understand why they think that way. And let them know you understand.
Speak only what’s strictly true. This sounds
a lot easier than it is. Try it. Try going a day only saying what you know is true. I’m not talking about philosophical,
airy-fairy stuff, either; I don’t mean getting into a debate about whether or not your chair really exists.
I mean, in a practical sense, see if you can go a whole day only saying
what you know is true. It’s tougher than you’d think, so don’t treat this one lightly. During conflict, concentrate on saying only what you know is true.
IMPOSE
THESE TWO disciplines on yourself. You'll be able to be more honest and you’ll
have more control over your life. This is no small accomplishment. Honesty sounds kind of corny, but more honesty means
more freedom and more personal strength. And no lasting peace can settle in your heart without it.
Be honest.
If it causes conflict, listen well and only say what is strictly true.
Author:
Adam Khan
Reflections on the Struggle to Be Honest
by Dennis Rivers, M.A.
Honest
conversations viewed as counseling and counseling viewed as conversations that allow for honesty.
Preface: I wrote this essay during 1997 when I was teaching a class on peer counseling. I was trying to describe in everyday language some of the good things that happen in counseling, that also happen often in friendship, good parenting, mentoring & ministering.
According
to the psychotherapists
§ Carl Rogers (in the
1960's)
§ Margaret & Jordan Paul (in the 1980’s)
§ Brad Blanton (in the
1990's)
There’s
one main reason people suffer in their relationships with one another. And it's not best understood as some jargon about ids
and egos and superegos. It's that we need to face more of the truth and tell
more of the truth about what's happening
in our lives, about how we feel
and about what we ourselves are doing.
Many
people, probably most of us at some time or other, struggle to deal with troubling feelings and problem situations
in life by using a whole range of avoidance maneuvers:
The problem with these
ways of dealing with inner and outer conflicts is that they don't work well in the long run.
If
we try to deal with our problems by pretending that nothing is wrong, we run the risk of becoming numb or getting deeply confused about what we actually
want and how we actually feel. And from tooth decay to auto repair to marriage, avoidance maneuvers won't protect us from the practical consequences of our difficulties.
Now
what, you may ask, does this have to do with counseling? Well, a counselor is someone you can tell the truth to. And as
you start to tell more of the truth to the counselor, you can start to admit the more of the truth to yourself
and rehearse compassionate ways of talking about it
with others.
This
isn’t an easy task. Early in life, according to Rogers, we discovered that if we said what we really felt and wanted,
the big important people in our lives would get unhappy with us (and I’d add, perhaps even slap us across the face).
And
since we needed their love and approval, we started being good
little boys and good little girls and saying whatever would get us hugs, birthday presents and chocolate cake. If we’re
lucky in life, our parents and teachers help us to learn how to recognize our own feelings and tell the truth about them
in conciliatory ways.
But
this is a complex process and more often, our parents & teachers didn't get much help on these issues themselves,
so they may not have been able to give us much help. As a result of this, many people arrive in adult life with a giant
gap between what they actually feel and what the role they play says they’re supposed to feel and with no skills for
closing that gap.
For
example, as a child you were supposed to love your parents, right? But
what if your dad came home drunk every night and hit your mom?
How
do you handle the gap between the fact that you're supposed to love your dad and the
fact that you don't like him? These are the kinds of situations that bring people to counseling (or to the nightly six-pack of beer). And life is full of them.
It
all boils down to this: Life is tough and complex, ready or not. It’s always tempting to try to get what you
want (or to escape what you fear) by saying or doing whatever
will avoid conflict, even if that means
saying things you don't really mean, doing things you don't feel good about, or just blanking out. After you've been around for a
while you start to realize that the cost of this kind of maneuvering is a heavy heart.
From
what I've seen, there’s no secret magic wand of psychotherapy that can instantly lighten a heart thus burdened. Psychotherapists are in the same human boat as the rest of us; they get depressed and divorced and commit suicide just
like ordinary folks.
You
and the person you’re trying to help through peer counseling are in the same human boat. There’s no life without troubles. Roofs leak. The people you love get sick and die. Our
needs turn out to be in conflict with the needs of people we care about. The
best made agreements come unglued. People fall out of love.
And
it’s always tempting to pretend that everything is just fine. But I believe very strongly that we’ll all like ourselves a lot more if we choose the troubles that come from being more honest and more engaged, rather than the troubles
that come from various forms of conflict avoidance and self-deception, such as "I'll feel
better if I have another drink." or "What she doesn't know won't hurt her." etc.
Our
truthful lives will probably
not get any easier, but they’ll get a lot more satisfying. Good counselors, psychotherapists, mentors and friends, whatever their degree (or not), hold that knowledge for us, as we struggle to learn
it and earn it.
As
adults there are many new possibilities open to us that weren’t
available to us when we were children. We
can learn to negotiate more of our conflicts, to confront more of our
difficulties and to be honest about
our feelings without being mean. So the fact is that we don't need to run away from our problems any more. What we need is to get in touch with ourselves and to learn new skills.
A
counselor is someone who doesn’t condemn you for your evasions, mistakes or lack of skill and believes in your worth as a person, your
capacity to tell the truth and your
strength to bear the truth,
no matter what you've done up to now. That's what makes counseling similar to being a priest, rabbi, tribal elder or a really good friend.
When
we started pretending in order to please others at age 3 or 4 that was the only way we could figure out how to get what we
wanted. Now that we’re adults we’re capable of learning to tell the
truth in conciliatory ways and we’re capable of getting a lot more of
what we want just by being courageous enough to ask for it.
A
good counselor, whether that person is a peer-counselor or a psychiatrist, is someone who invites us out of the role of maneuvering child and into the role of straightforward adult.
A
counselor won't force you to tell the truth. It
wouldn't be the truth if it were
forced; it would just be one more thing you were saying to keep someone off your back.
But
a counselor is willing to hear how you actually feel. In this approach there are no bad feelings, there are only bad actions. It's OK to hate your drunken father; it's
not OK to pick up a gun and shoot him. A big part of counseling is teaching people to make that distinction. In fact, the more people can acknowledge their feelings, the less they need to blindly act them out.
It's
not the counselor's job to pull that stuff out of people; it's the counselor's job to be there to receive it and acknowledge it when it comes out in
its own time.
And
to encourage the new skills and all
the little moments of honesty that help a person toward a deeper truthfulness. There's
a direct link between skill and awareness at work here. People
are reluctant to acknowledge problems they feel
they can't do anything about.
As
counseling conversations help a person to feel more confident about being able to talk
things over and talk things out, a person may become more willing to face and confront conflicts and problems.
As
we realize that the counselor accepts us warts and
all, clumsy coping maneuvers and all, we start to accept ourselves more. We’re
not angels and we’re not devils. We’re just ordinary human beings trying to figure how to get through life.
There’s
a lot of trial and error along the way and that’s nothing to be ashamed of. No one, absolutely
no one, can learn to be human w/out making mistakes. But it’s easy to imagine, when I’m alone with my mistakes, that
I’m the stupidest, crummiest person in the world. A good counselor, (...friend, minister, parent, support group member) is someone who
helps us develop a more realistic and forgiving picture of ourselves.
These
relationships based on deep acceptance help to free us from the fantasy
of being “all good” or “all bad,” help to free us from the need to keep up appearances. Thus, we can start to acknowledge and learn from whatever
is going on inside us.
Freed from the need to defend our mistakes, we can actually
look at them and get beyond the need to repeat them. But these are hard things to learn alone. It really helps if
someone accompanies us along that road.
Sometimes
you’ll be the receiver of that acceptance and sometimes the giver. Whichever role you happen to play at a given moment, it's helpful to understand that honest, caring, empathic conversations (Carl Rogers' big 3), just by themselves, set in motion a kind of deep learning
that has come to be known as "healing."
"Healing"
is a beautiful word and a powerful metaphor for positive change. But "healing" can also be a misleading word because of the way it de-emphasizes learning and everyone's capacity to
learn new ways of relating to people and navigating through life.
Here
are 5 of the "deep learnings" that I see going on in almost all supportive and empathic conversations.
In paying attention to someone in a calm, accepting way, you teach that person to pay attention to him or her in just that way.
In
caring for others, you
teach them to care for themselves and
you help them to feel more like caring about others.
The
more you have faced and accepted your own feelings, the more you can be a supportive witness for another person
who's struggling to face and accept his or her feelings.
In
forgiving people for being
human and making mistakes and having limits, you teach people to forgive themselves and start
over and you help them to have a more forgiving attitude toward others.
By having conversations that include the honest sharing and recognition of feelings and the exploration of
alternative possibilities of action, you help a person to see that, by gradual degrees, they can start to have more honest
and fruitful conversations with the important people in their lives.
These experiences belong to everyone, since they’re part of being human. They are ours to
learn and through the depth of our caring, honesty and empathy ours to give. I believe they’re the heart of counseling.
References:
(1) Carl R.
Rogers, On Becoming a Person: A Therapist's View of Psychotherapy. Boston: Houghton Mifflin. 1995.
(2) Margaret and Jordan Paul, Do I Have To Give Up Me To
Be Loved By You. Minneapolis: CompCare Publishers.1983.
(3) Brad Blanton, How to Transform Your Life By Telling the Truth. New York: Dell. 1996
Where Are You on the Steps to Honesty in
Communication?
There's
something very interesting about the Steps to Honesty in Communication! At
any given moment, everyone is somewhere on those steps! It seems that many people are at the Starting Point most of the time.
They're
stressed out! If they do happen to express feelings, it's usually in the wrong way. If they're getting affection, it's usually dishonest.
And
if they're expressing sexual feelings, it's often out of anger instead of happiness or love. They haven't left the Starting Point! Where are you most of the time? You could be:
At the Starting Point, all stressed out with many inappropriate symptoms...
OR
Up against the Recognition / Acceptance Barrier, unable to go on...
OR
On
Step 1, Recognition of feelings, faced with returning to the Starting Point if you fail to recognize your feelings or continuing on to the next step
OR
On
Step 2, Rejection / Acceptance of feelings, faced with returning to the Starting Point if you fail to accept your feelings or ready to continue on to the next step
OR
Up against the Expression/Acceptance Barrier, recognizing how you feel but unable to express it
OR
On
Step 3, Expression of feelings, faced with returning to the Starting Point if you fail to choose:
- Stress
Option A: Express feelings the Right Way
- Stress
Option B: Accept feelings
and
continue on to the next step, OR
On
Step 4, Rejection / Acceptance of feelings From Within and Without, faced with returning to Step 1 if you fail to accept what you expressed or if your expression was rejected or continuing on to the next step,
OR
Up against the Affection/Acceptance Barrier, wanting to be close but unable to make the move,
OR
On Step 5, Affection, faced with returning to the starting point if you don't make the move or continuing on to the next step,
OR
On
Step 6, Rejection/Acceptance From Within or Without, faced with returning to Step 1 if you fail to accept your need, desire and enjoyment of affection or if your move toward affection was rejected.
Or,
On
Step 7, at The Goal With Stress Symptoms Under Control or Alleviated.
I
think it's a good idea to memorize these steps and thoroughly understand them. Then you'll be able to tell where you're and where anybody else is at any given time.
Regretfully though, knowing where you are and where you're going isn't enough! You've actually got to go there and unfortunately there
are 3 barriers that can block your progress.
Breaking
through the first two barriers may be difficult but breaking through the final barrier may seem almost impossible. Once the
breakthrough is made, it's a little easier the next time especially if you have the support and encouragement of an understanding parent, spouse or friend.
Now,
if you're ready, let's move on from The Starting Point to The Recognition / Acceptance Barrier.
First Barrier: Recognition Acceptance
The first step
in honest communication of feelings is to recognize how you feel. Sounds simple enough! Just recognize how you feel!
Angry? Happy? Sad? Afraid? Strange how easy it seems now but when the time comes to do it, somehow you just can't get in touch with your feelings. If that's the case, you're up against the Recognition /Acceptance Barrier!
Ironic
isn't it? Just when you've decided to do something constructive about some of the stress symptoms in your life, you run headlong into a barrier and find yourself back at the Starting Point still stressed out!
After
learning that the greatest stress is best relieved by honesty in communication at the feeling level, you find yourself without feelings to express. After becoming aware that inappropriate symptoms just add to your stress levels because the original stress of unexpressed, unresolved feelings is multiplied by the stress of dealing inappropriately with it, you commit yourself to resolve and express those feelings but find yourself out of touch with them.
Is
it any wonder you may have just wanted to give up, stop the world and get off?
The reason why the Recognition Barrier exists is because of your inability to accept one or more of your feelings. It's very difficult to recognize that which you can't accept!
We
know there are 4 basic feeling states:
We
know that while growing up, for most of us it was right to be happy, wrong to be angry and sad and afraid were feelings to "get over". Add to this some difficulties in the affection and sexual areas and it's easy to see why we all have hang ups.
Our hang ups exist because of our inability
to accept ourselves the way we were created; that is, as having emotions, need for affection and sexual feelings and our inability to express ourselves appropriately, that is, in a mature and responsible way!
Happy feelings are probably the easiest to recognize, accept and express. We smile, we laugh, we feel happy toward ourselves and others. We feel at ease and at peace. There's a bounce in our step and smile in our voice! During our childhood, it was usually O. K. to be happy although sometimes we may have been told to "quiet down!" or "settle down!"
Sad feelings denoting loss and separation from
something or someone close to us are also usually easy to recognize but we may have some difficulty accepting and expressing them. We feel like crying or we do cry. We get a lump in the throat and we feel pressure behind the eyes.
We think
we're alone and separated. We feel grieved over the loss. We were fortunate if during childhood, our sadness was responded to with understanding. Seldom though were we taught that anger accompanied sadness! That is, while we feel sad over the loss and separation of a loved one or loved object, we feel anger toward the one we perceive as responsible for it.
Fearful feelings too are usually easily recognized but again we may have some difficulty accepting and expressing them. The adrenalin starts to flow and we prepare for fight or flight unless the fear is powerful enough to render us paralyzed and incapable of activity.
We were
fortunate, if during childhood, our fears were responded to appropriately. Seldom though were we taught that anger accompanied fear. That is, while we feel afraid of a threat, we feel angry toward the one we perceive as responsible for it. Also, there may have been little understanding of our fears ("There's nothing to be afraid of") or our fears may have been positively reinforced ("There's everything to be afraid of").
Angry feelings! They're something else! They're so elusive especially
when we've learned at an early age that happy is right and anger is wrong or even sinful or evil. When we were angry we were scolded or punished or put on a guilt trip.
We may have
wondered why our parents could lose their temper but we couldn't. We may have heard our parents deny or redefine anger:
- "I'm not angry, just hurt!"
- "I'm not angry, jut a little upset!"
- "I'm not angry. I've just got a headache".
We may have
learned that anger was temper but anything short of temper was disappointment or unhappiness. We probably heard our Primary's (Dad, Mom, Brother, Sister, etc) blaming their anger on us with:
- "You make me sick and tired!"
- "You give me a headache!"
- "You're driving me crazy!"
The end
result is that we often have real difficulty in recognizing, accepting and expressing anger!
It's Nobody's Fault
Our
parents did the absolute best they could with the awareness they had. Our grandparents did the absolute best they could with the awareness they had. Everyone down the line did the absolute best they could with the awareness they had. It's too bad they all didn't have more awareness! It's too bad we don't have more awareness!
But
the fact is that if we had been in our parents shoes and grew up in their home, with their parents and siblings, we would
have done just about the same as they did. Thus,
The words "blame" and "fault" don't exist in the language of honesty!
It
would have been a wonderful thing if everyone had been taught by their parents that emotions, need for affection and sexual feelings are all necessary and a natural part of our human nature and thus O. K. If we'd been this fortunate we'd be able to accept ourselves as we are and value our challenge of expressing these human attributes in the right way. We'd not find ourselves up against the Recognition / Acceptance Barrier!
At
this point, the question may be asked, "If I have never felt that my anger was accepted, how can I accept it now, even enough to recognize it?" The answer is, "With great difficulty!" This is the reason most people go through life handling their anger inappropriately and not even being aware of it. But, you are unique!
You're
reading these web pages and you want to make changes! Keep reading!
What If You Were Created With Only One Feeling?
If you're still having difficulty accepting all the feelings you're beginning to recognize, consider the the possibility of having been created with only ONE feeling: glad. You'd certainly have no trouble enjoying a good joke ... but what would you do at a funeral?
How about TWO feelings: glad and sad? What would you do when about to take a risky or dangerous step ... just stand there and laugh or cry?
Well then, what about THREE feelings: glad, sad and afraid? The fear would help you afraid danger but what would you do if you couldn't run fast enough and had to fight? Without anger, I doubt if you'd do very well.
To survive in this world, we need all FOUR feelings we were created with: mad, glad, sad and afraid! Our challenge is to accept all our feelings and direct the energy in ways that are appropriate, mature, responsible and that doesn't hurt or destroy ourselves or others.
Helping Others Break Through Their Barriers
How do you help others break through their Recognition / Acceptance Barrier? Again, Emotional honesty and acceptance is able to break through all emotional barriers!
But it's not easy to help others be honest and accepting! The best way to be of help isn't by trying to teach honesty and acceptance but rather by simply being an example of honesty
and acceptance yourself.
Intellectual honesty and intellectual
tolerance can be taught but emotional honesty and emotional acceptance must first be experienced to be learned!
There's a big difference between the two! The kind of barriers we're talking about are emotional
barriers, having to do with feelings, NOT intellectual barriers, having to do with thoughts or data. If you'd like to help your spouse, son or daughter, or friend, break down their Recognition / Acceptance Barrier, then please remember,
That person must be in an environment of understanding and acceptance if they're to break thru their Barrier and they must be willing to be honest.
Your privilege is to provide that environment of understanding and acceptance while being honest with your own feelings and your feelings toward what they do or say.
Regretfully, emotional barriers are much like the physical sound barriers. When they're broken, they "rebuild" themselves and are ready to be broken again. It would be great if "once broken always broken" or if these broken barriers were irreparable. But, unfortunately, it just doesn't work that way.
Your mind has a way of quietly and inconspicuously rebuilding your barriers and keeping them built
up. You become aware that they've been rebuilt when you find yourself under stress and at the Starting Point again!
Honesty appears to be a daily, hourly or even minute by minute
challenge.
When it comes to helping others, you'll want to remember that other people's barriers, like yours,
will also rebuild and your privilege is to be as patient and understanding with them as you'd like them to be with you.
To See or Not to See, That's the Question
The primary purpose of this chapter is to help you recognize feelings by calling attention to some of the things that occur at the emotional level that arouse feelings.
A secondary purpose is to aid you in being of help to others who may be having difficulty
in this area of recognizing feelings
You're usually aware of the things other people do or say or don't do or don't say that you like or don't like, but ... it's sometimes difficult to assign the feelings! Also, it's often difficult to be aware of what that act means to you emotionally!
Remember, it's important to recognize the feelings if you're going to handle that feeling appropriately. You can't control that which you can't see!
Picture yourself in the drivers seat of a car speeding down a winding road with no guardrail.
There's a cliff to the right! All is going well until suddenly the steering wheel disappears. At that point, you become an
accident looking for a place to happen! Unless you find the steering wheel quickly, you're going to take a shortcut down the
hill!
Handling
feelings works the same way. If you're under stress and your feelings "disappear" and you can't recognize which feeling state is on top, you have become an emotional accident looking for a place to happen!
Unless you recognize your feelings quickly, you're likely to take an emotional shortcut right to a stress symptom and chances are it won't be a "fun" or "rewarding" one!
For example, suppose you find yourself fearful or expressing some angry feelings. You're afraid the Receptor couldn't possibly understand and accept.
Your fear might prompt you to skip over the barriers and through the steps right to affection in order to reassure the Receptor that you're not angry! In reality this affection is only a "seems like fun" stress symptom and thus is valueless.
Dishonest affection doesn't satisfy your innate desire and need for affection nor is it a deeply rewarding and enjoyable experience. For affection to be of value, it must be honest! Remember,
there are no shortcuts to the steps to stress reduction through honesty in communication!!!
If you try to take a shortcut, you default to the Starting Point!!!
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What is Emotional
Honesty?
from Emotional Honesty & Self
Acceptance
by Ronald Brill
By being honest with ourselves about what we feel when we're hurt, we learn to accept our feelings and to recover from emotional distress.
Emotional dishonesty is a self betrayal which keeps us from healing emotional wounds and experiencing the inner peace of self-acceptance.
Self-acceptance comes from honoring and accepting what we feel rather than judging feelings, blaming others or shaming ourselves. Self-accepting persons have no need to harm themselves or others. Self-accepting persons are more capable of accepting others.
Emotional honesty is listening to the meaning of each hurt feeling and attending to the resulting distress that occurs. By naming and thus disarming emotional wounds, they don't accumulate and become infected with shame, fear, hate and anger. Emotional honesty is an individual process by which we learn how to prevent the violent
and self-destructive responses to emotional pain that threaten to tear apart ourselves and our society.
Emotional honesty is taking responsibility for what we feel. What tends to prevent awareness and acceptance of our true feelings is a prevalent cultural misbelief that emotional pain is shameful and “someone must be to blame if I’m in pain!” Being vulnerable to painful wounding experiences is seen as a weakness rather than a sign of being human.
Emotional honesty doesn't mean escaping from being emotionally wounded. Rather it's taking responsibility for what we feel, including our pain. One reason our society seems so incapable of finding preventive strategies that can stem the growth of child and adult violence and depression is our tendency to place blame, rather than look inside ourselves for the trigger that detonates destructive acts upon ourselves or others .
Rather than focus
on violence-proofing our schools, we should use schools to violence-proof our children. Similarly, employers seek to reduce
violent incidents by trying to violence-proof the workplace rather than violence-proof their employees.
Blaming violence on entertainment media, too many guns, or attributing destructive behavior to mental illness, or saying
that it's genetically acquired, or that perpetrators are evil persons – all relieve us of the responsibility and opportunity for educating our children, parents and workers about human, self-deceptive emotional processes which convert hurt feelings into destructive acts as well as limit our access to feeling of intimacy.
Slaying your own Personal Dragons...
kathleen howe
Each of us has a reason
for being here, on the "honesty" page within the emotional feelings
network of sites.
I'm sure that it took courage for you to step out of your comfort zone to face the fact that you need help with honesty.
I, myself have
had trouble with honesty, as an avoidance of the truth has haunted me since childhood. I've asked myself so many times, "why can't you just tell the
truth?"
"Why can't you continuously
be honest with yourself & others?"
So, here I am - being honest
for once. It seems I don't have trouble telling the God's honest truth about the past. It's about what's ahead that I have trouble with.
By that I mean - I can admit to being dishonest about something in the past, but when some asks me straight up, "Are you being honest with
me about that?" I squirm & my insides turn, even if I'm telling the truth! because just the sound of that word, "honest," seems to make me lose consciousness &
feel like I'm drowning.
I figure that this is
the reason the page count continues to stay so low on this "honesty page," because it's
a difficult subject for those of us who aren't so honest all the time, to face.
In the process of
my recovery, I've been able to pinpoint many a "fear" beginning with the fact that I have so much trouble with honesty. Do I have a fear of honesty? the truth?
I've gone back
into my childhood to try to figure out why I have so much trouble with this subject & I believe I've pinpointed certain situations, traumas & experiences that have caused me to go awry with honesty.
Let's face this subject
head on for a second, I'm working overtime on publicly being
honest now, "How much self inflicted fear do we need to live with before we see the correlation between suffering the negative consequences of our own negative actions & mending our ways, to live in "less fear?"
geez o' pete - the things i get myself into! sigh....
But how long can we go on
in our lives saying, "I can't be honest because of how I was treated as a child?" It's a
bit like saying, "It's not my fault I'm dishonest." -
That doesn't seem to
fly with people you're in relationships with, does it?
And come to think of it, now that I've been in recovery for 5 years, it doesn't really fly for me either!
Oh yeah & a sincere apology begins to lose it's effectiveness as well, when you're always doling them out for being a liar & hurting someone's feelings.
As a parent, it's difficult for me to demand honesty from my children, when in fact, I'm not sure they know honesty from
watching their mother. These are cold hard facts that I'm dealing with in my recovery that I'm sharing with you. I'm hoping that if you find yourself in the same category, "liars," then you'll feel how others struggle
with the same thing.
Well just like smoking, over-eating or any other negative habit we may have, lying is another, "negative coping mechanism." I believe it's true. I haven't heard it spoken of like that before, but I'm sure that it has been, but I just haven't read it yet.
But, especially in my case, lying is a negative coping mechanism that I've developed throughout my lifetime.
It's an accumulation of all the times that I've
not been able to face the truth & was afraid of honesty & its consequences.
Honesty was never really stressed as a family value in my
household while I was growing up. Now that I'm educated about honesty, it makes me wonder
if my own parents modeled dishonest behavior towards me in not allowing us to have emotions & feelings.
I think that this is a fairly common factor in the baby boomer generation. I think there's millions of us out there, that somehow missed the boat that afforded us the importance of honesty in our lives!
I can hear my own mother now, telling me, "If you tell the
truth you won't get in trouble!" then watch out once those gems or pearls of truth departed from your little lips!!!!
It was bare butt spanking time, added humiliation of facing the person you offended with a personal sincere apology & a few days time in your room alone, thinking about how you won't get in trouble for being honest.
But as many times as I go back in time, to try to excuse
my negative habit of lying, I can't blame anyone for it now, because I know better. I have to start coming clean. I have to work on breaking the habit of lying.
Starting with tiny little truths that don't
seem to mean that much, but are so easy to lie about when I'm in a fear state; I'm working on it. When my husband says, "Is it raining outside?" I don't just answer him with, "No." I have to actually
go to the window & look to give him an answer.
Yes, that's how bad lying is for me. If you don't value
the truth, then it doesn't matter what you say. You just say it without thinking about it. And I've found that if I do slip & tell him, "NO," then I have to own up to it immediately & not let it
bang around in my brain, causing self loathing, guilt & fear.
I have to say to him, "you know, I'm really
sorry that I didn't take the time to find out if it was really raining earlier & I just said "no" because I was too
lazy to get up & check, but it's not raining out actually, like I had told you earlier, when I lied to you."
Somehow, saying it out loud, that "I
lied...." makes me feel worse than ever. It makes me consider that I might be one of those pathological liars
that everyone likes to accuse people of. It makes me feel like I'm not a good person. It makes me feel like no one should
trust me. It makes me feel bad & I'm trying to stay away from making myself feel bad these days. It's a definite sore spot with me right now.
I'm continually working on it.
I'm trying to face the truth head on & trying to leave the fear of the truth by the wayside. It's a challenge, but I think I can slay this very personal dragon of mine & win the battle! After all, I quit smoking - cold turkey! why can't I break
this habit as well?
For anyone out there, suffering with the same negative coping mechanism.... I'm here for you... drop me a line & we'll commiserate... hang in there & try to be honest for the next
hour or so, then take it from there!
I am grateful if you've taken precious time to read my thoughts. I am also grateful for the opportunity to show you how I've found recovery thru every self examination I have had to take upon myself thru the design of the emotional feelings
network of sites. I've lived long enough, (49 years) that I feel as though I've experienced about as many things as
I'm ever going to experience in my lifetime.
I need to take a sec though, to qualify that statement in stating that I mostly am referring to the negative, horrible experiences that I've experienced in my lifetime. I don't want to tempt fate, taking the chance to invite the absolutely
worst experience that I think anyone could experience, which is the death of a child.
While I've experienced the loss
of a child, actually, the loss of more than one child - the loss of custody that is - & it broke my heart, my spirit & it caused me to lose parts of my self that may never be found again. But in result, I've learned precious gems of wisdom that until recently were always available for me to understand, I just needed to incorporate forgiveness, humility &
a few other important factors into my recovery lifestyle to see it all clearly for once.
Okay, another part of this recovery stuff is realizing some things about yourself that you've always known, but you've perhaps allowed because of the "self protection" factor, to lie dormant, unnoticed. It's time to stop overlooking important negative things in your head. It's so easy to block things, stuff things, bury things & even forget things. It's difficult & sometimes
darn right painful to pull it all out to examine it closely. But...
When you do find the strength of character to
begin to do some serious self examination - you'll find precious gems that have always been there, waiting for you to search
for them, lying beneath the buried, stuffed & blocked junk you've so desperately tried to ignore.
What may seem like the most simple, the most basic experience
in your life as a child, may have huge hidden ramifications for why you can't tell the truth today. It's in the time of self
examination that you break down each little experience & force yourself to ask some serious questions of yourself. I've
been doing this for 5 years. I'm getting better at answering the questions. I'm beginning to understand the journey to peace
of mind.
If you don't talk to yourself like this - you
need to begin. You need to become one of those strange, alien, people that you thought might be insane when you were a teenager,
you know, those adults who "talk to themselves."
You have to do it. You have to make yourself
speak the words to yourself, by actually speaking them or by writing them in a journal. You might say them to a counselor
or a friend or a family member, or just your own self, but you must say them. You must make the words a reality.
Reflect on this experience I had as a child.
I lived in Syracuse, New York the year that President Kennedy
was shot in Texas in that motorcade. I was in elementary school. We lived on Shuart Avenue. I went to Lincoln Elementary School.
A catholic family lived across the street from us, so that girl went to a catholic girl's school. My mother worked at a catholic
run state home for girls who were abandoned, or taken from their families. Nuns worked there and when I was sick enough to
have to stay home from school, my mother would bring me to work with her and leave me in the infirmary. Nuns took care of
me. I wasn't sick much. Nuns were frightening in those days. I had heard that they hit girl's knuckles in that catholic school
with wooden rulers when they did something wrong. I wondered if that catholic girl had gotten in trouble yet for smoking cigarettes.
I saw her sneaking them behind the bushes in her backyard.
It was a nice neighborhood that I lived in although there
were many seriously traumatic situations came to be there. Once a sniper, with a machine gun was shooting out the windows
of the cars that were parked on both sides of our street. He ended up in my front yard, lying on his belly, once in awhile
shooting his gun. The police were everywhere. I remember peeking out the window. And another time someone set fire to all
the big leaf piles that were raked up along the side of the street. There were so many maple trees on our street. Soon the
fires got so big that some cars caught on fire and some trees did too. That night the fire department was everywhere putting
out fires. It was smoky and frightening. I was afraid that our house would burn down with me inside it.
But the experience that I recall concerning the childhood
prank that I once dared to try was the reason that I gave up trying to tell the truth because it just didn't matter any more
to me. I would get in trouble if I didn't tell the truth & I'd be in trouble if I did tell the truth. My mother lied to
me. She tricked me. She laid out a fine trap and I took the bait. I had been ringing the doorbell of the elderly neighbors
we had beside our house. Those old people spooked me. I can't remember if it was Joey Kellogg that talked me into trying it
while we were up in his apple tree chatting one day or if I just heard of it somewhere and decided to give it a whirl.
I rand the doorbell and then ran and hid where I could see
the old man open the door and look around. I clasped my hand over my mouth tightly so I wouldn't laugh out loud. I kept doing
it because I wanted to know what those old people looked like. They never came out of their house. None of the kids knew what
they looked like.
Then one Saturday afternoon, the only Saturday afternoon,
in fact, that I remember my mother lying down on the couch resting; my mother called me to lay down next to her. This never
happened - never before - and then never after again. She told me that the neighbor man had called her to say that there was
a child who was ringing his doorbell, playing a childhood prank on him, because the kid or kids who were doing it ran away.
He complained to my mother that he was old and it was difficult for him to walk to the door.
My mother was speaking to me softly, kindly, she was
pulling me in, but because this never happened to me before, never in my life before had I had the pleasure of laying next
to my mother for any reason, with her arm around me, touching me, holding me close to her. I was totally caught up in the
moment when she went on to say to me, "Kathleen, would you know who was ringing that old man's doorbell? Kathleen? Would you
have done something mean like that?"
Still her voice was even. It was still soft, kind and sweet.
She added, "It would be so nice if you would tell me the truth. I would be so happy if you didn't lie to me and you owned
up to this prank if it were you... Kathleen... who was doing this thing to the old man next door."
My head was spinning. It was as though I was drunk on her
tone of voice. She never spoke to me like this before. Mostly she was yelling at me to do this or do that. "Quiet down, go
outside if you can't be quiet." or even sometimes she would say, "Do you have any homework that your father could help you
with?"
I never would let my father help me with my homework. He made
me cry everytime because the way he wanted me to do my math wasn't like what the teacher was telling me to do. He didn't care.
He said he was doing it the right way. So I was drowning in the pleasure of my mother's touch and the sweetness of her voice,
when suddenly, my guard down, I decided in a split second that I might own up to it. Then she said, "Honey.... if you told
me the truth about this, you wouldn't get in trouble...."
I sat up like a bolt of lightning had struck me. My eyes widened.
My breath was held tightly in my mouth. I couldn't breathe. She had said I wouldn't get in trouble for telling the truth.
"I did it! I did it! I"m so sorry, but I did it!"
Then the hammer hit the nail on the head. Just like it always
does. "Young lady, go to your room until your father gets home. Then when I tell him what you've done, I'm sure he'll be calling
you down for a spanking."
I walked up the stairs slowly, feeling struck by her voice,
like a fist in the stomach, like the day I laid down on the sidewalk and that big kids with a 10 speed bike rode over my stomach.
I felt out of breath. I could feel the sting of his hand hitting my bare butt. And then she called my name again. I was almost
on the top step when she called me to the landing. The same landing I had thrown up on one time before and that moment felt
like I was going to throw up again on.
"Kathleen, tomorrow being Sunday, you'll be making the neighbors
some cookies and we'll take them over to them so you can apologize to them."
The phrase, "God damn it!" was going through my mind. It was
what my father said when he was really mad at us or mad at something. My mom had said it was cursing, but my father didn't
care, he said it whenever he felt like it. It made me cringe. All I could think of was the 10 commandments and the one that
said, "You will not take the Lord's name in vain." I thought he might be condemned to hell for what he was saying. Sometimes
though, I really thought he deserved to go to hell.
So we went next door on Sunday with a plate of cookies. The
neighbor's house was very dark, dingy and it smelled very bad. It smelled like old sneakers and medicine. The very second
the old man's face appeared at the door, I almost peed my pants. I couldn't hold it anymore when he asked us to come in. When
my mother told the man that I had something to say, I said - "I need to use the bathroom please." He pointed a very long,
pale, boney finger towards the hallway and I tiptoed quietly there.
The light wasn't on a switch. It was a string that you had
to pull that was located directly above the toilet. I couldn't reach it and I was getting crazy. I was doing the dance. You
know the dance, the dance that meant if you didn't sit down on the toilet soon, it would be too late. So I climbed up on the
toilet, grabbed the string and because I was doing the dance, I fell. I fell but forgot to let go of the string and it broke
in my hand. Oh no! God damn it and God damn my mother for making me come here!
I had to go pee. So I went in the dark. I stood up on the
toilet again, in the dark, trying to reach the end of the string, but it was too high. I was hoping I could tie the ends together,
but I couldn't reach it. I heard the old man's voice, "Are you okay in there little girl?"
I opened the door and ran. I ran out of the bathroom, out
of the foyer, and down the stairs of their front porch and into my own house and up the stairs to my bedroom. I put on my
pajamas and got into my bed and pulled the covers over my head. I knew that I would get another spanking just like the one
my father had given me the night before. My only saving grace might be falling asleep. He might not spank me if I went to
bed with no dinner.
This betrayal... made me think at great length the next time
my mother asked me to tell her the truth about something. I lied. I lied and I didn't get asked again. It was that easy. I
didn't trust her and she didn't trust me. I didn't care. She would never ask me to lay next to her on the couch again. It
was just the trap that found me there. Even in my sickest moments as a child.... it would never happen again.
Never again did I trust my mother. Not even once.
4/11/07 An update concerning honesty....
Oh, how I wish I'd dated the previous writing! It's amazing
how thoughts, ideas, convictions & beliefs change through recovery. I was pondering some other subject when it came to
me, as if in a dream, the following thoughts concerning honesty.
I believe that thinking of the "Imus" dilemma, the generous liberties taken by both sides
of the argument, brought to me hope for my strange friend "honesty."
Imus, what a strange looking bird he is, has had the same
style forever. He's taken those generous liberties, mocking individuals in every corner of every arena, all in fun, of course.
Advertisers paid the fees due any popular syndicated radio show demanded, no problem. Listeners supported Imus' style. They
liked to hear him colorfully describe different groups & individuals. I wonder if Sharpton was an avid listener?
And so the morning that Imus' private hell began because
he took that generous liberty once again in speaking a few slanderous sentences concerning Rutger's womens' basketball team.
I believe he said what he said in a very affectionate tone of voice, admiring the girls' accomplishment. What's the fuss?
Suddenly the heavens open up and Imus is getting his feet wet and he may be losing his ass!
"Nappy headed, hos" that's what he said. Geez o pete. I've
been listening to the decline of the quality of music my kids have been listening to through the past ten years because I
have grown children and then teenagers again, 10 years later. I've listened to those black rappers describe every sexual escapade
imaginable, using every unbelievable description of both black and white women, while they rake in millions and turn the minds
of the past few years of teenagers to mush. Very dirty mush, at that!
Maybe this whole extravaganza rings out like an everyday happening to me because I live in
Dayton, Ohio. A predominantly black population, here in the city, screaming discrimination whenever one of those thugs gets
bored; I'm so tired of the "black civil rights" being stepped upon. Dayton has one of the worst school systems in the
United States, run by a predominately black administration. They're screaming for more money and they still haven't completed
the task of bring our children a quality education.
The superintendent is in dire straits though. He promised the teachers a raise if they moved
the students out of the academic emergency they've survived in for many years, but he failed to deliver. He went ahead and
tore down the old schools, built new schools as the student population continued to dwindle down to nothing and now he's in
real hot water. There's no students to send to the "new day dawning" schools in Dayton, Ohio.
Why the decline of the quality of education in Dayton, Ohio? Ask the rapper wannabes here
in the city. They rule this place. My son goes to a high school that has three principals. One can't do the job. I've only
ever seen one of them there at a time. My son has been tormented by the black population bussed in from the west side to this
close by suburb community. They've made this particular high school one of the worst in the group. My daughter graduated from
the same high school, it's in my back yard. That was almost ten years ago. The reigning principal still in place was
firing the last of the quality "white" teachers, a few years before they ended bussing, one of the last schools in the country
to still be using it.
I have to tell Reverend Sharpton, the voices I hear everyday say things that are so horrendous,
so dark, so dirty that I cringe everytime I see more than one walking through the neighborhood, skipping class. But if there
is only one walking through, you can hear the words of the rap music he or she is listening to from inside your home. Every
other word beginning with the letter, "F."
A few years ago, I volunteered to help the school system when
the proficiency testing time was drawing near. I went to the nearest elementary school to help out three girls. The three
girls assigned to me, I fell in love with. They were very cute girls, black, living in different situations, all three of
them, but all three having difficulties with their concentration.
I began to take an extra interest in these girls and asked each of them what they had eaten
for breakfast. You see, the school provides free breakfast and lunch to the inner city kids. They had consumed doughnuts &
orange juice at school, but at home, either nothing or cold pizza, bagel bites or some other microwave frozen food.
I asked what their bedtime was. Midnight, "whenever" and 10:30 were the three answers. I asked
if they had any help with their homework because there was after school homework help available, they all three told me no.
Each girl couldn't sit still in the chair. One girl lived with her mother and two sisters in a small apartment in a "project
neighborhood." She shared a bedroom with her sisters. Her mother was always working.
One of the other girls lived in a house with a single mother. Her mother was doing the best
she could. She cared about her daughter and was parenting to the best of her ability. I lost the other girl. She just didn't
show up for school enough. I began bringing fresh fruit, granola bars and milk or juice to the girls for breakfast. I began
bringing them incentives to learn, little keepsake gifts that would mean something to them for a reward.
Finally, I asked one girl if she would like to come over to my house and play with my daughter
on the weekend. She wanted to spend the night. I thought it would be okay, but I told her we would have to wait till the next
weekend because I had to meet her mother. She looked at me quizzically. "Just call my mom. She'll let me." And so I did. After
school on Friday, I went to the school, called her mother from the office and asked if she could spend the night over the
phone. The woman had never talked to me or even laid eyes on me before and she easily consented. And so my adventure began
with those girls.
They wanted to come every weekend, but I forced them to take turns, every other weekend. After
about three visits they were mannerly, had their own stash of clothes here, and loved to ride bikes out in the open, freedom,
up and down the street with smiles as broad as the world. They calmed down at school and progressed nicely. Although we had
our problems with discipline at school, when they came to my house, they were angels.
I tell you this story because it's honest. It's the truth. It's pure. Those children needed
a place that was safe to play. They needed someone to care about them. They wanted to pay attention, concentrate and behave.
They just couldn't sometimes with no sleep and the diet they were used to. They lived in neighborhoods where they couldn't
go outside and play because it wasn't safe. Besides not being safe, there was that rap music everywhere, educating them. They
wanted to be like the music. The music was degrading.
And now Rev. Sharpton and half of the world wants to persecute Imus for what he said, it wasn't
nice what he said. It wasn't deserved what he said, but really!!! The heavens have opened and Imus just might get sucked in!!!
The advertisers are cancelling. The black community being interviewed on television is screaming prejudice, complaining that
it's just like "dat."
If I had Oprah's money I would take out a full page ad on the back page of every newspaper
in the country with the lyrics to any rap song that is played on the radio today. It doesn't matter which one. They all have
disgusting, demeaning, degrading foul language on them. They all depict a "sexual" theme. They all describe in their own language
of "dis & dat" sexual positions, sexual demands of children, sexual - well sex is everything about it all. And then I
would put the name "Imus in the morning" on the bottom of the page.
And so... while I was pondering this dilemma in particular, I began to
think how wonderful it would be to live in an honest world. Imagine that, honesty demanded from everyone, I'm not sure I can imagine it.
Our president, politicians, religious leaders, education administrators,
business persons, teachers, all citizens, an honest bunch, all telling the God's honest truth, 100% of the time....
It would be something to behold, wouldn't it?
Well, then I started to think about what 100% honesty would begin to look like in my life exclusively. Isn't that where
it would all have to start? Wouldn't it be marvelously delicious to have a 100% honest relationship
with your spouse, your children, your own mother or father? How about 100% honesty with
yourself? What would that be like?
No one likes a liar. Everyone likes to point fingers at liars, but why
aren't they pointing inward? at themselves first? That's where I had to take it so that I could go on with my day. I had to
think about where I've been in my life & where I would like to be. 100% honest with myself,
would be my first choice. In my recovery, I've thought about truth telling, about how my (above) sense of honesty in my past was denied. I did relay the fact that as a baby boomer, the entire generations' parents were dishonest with themselves (I know, as a rule, not every single one of them.) because no one was allowed to feel or experience the emotions they had.
How could they plead allegiance to the oath
of honesty in their lives when their own children were supposed to be seen & not heard. They needed a "valid reason" from their parents to cry or express anger, sadness or disappointment. The parents of the boomers taught this generation I belong to how to paint on a smile no matter how bad things really were. It just mattered how things looked to the neighbors, that's
all.
We lived in a hollow shell of an existence that at any moment would burst
for any number of unfortunate reasons. It was better to drink alcohol than to say you were unhappy or unsatisfied with life.
It was excusable to drive drunk because it was easier to look the other way. The boomer generation, one of the largest if
not "the largest" in American history weren't taught to be "honest." So how incredible would
it be for them & their children to suddenly switchover & become 100% honest with
just themselves first?
But back to me...!!!! I keep getting distracted.... I would so love to
have a 100% honest relationship with myself & progress onwards & upwards. How precious
is that? Imagine the worry that would be eliminated. Imagine the anger that would be eliminated. Imagine the peace that would
begin to spread. How incredible would it be to look into the mirror & not have to cringe or wince looking deep inside
of yourself. How would it be to have a clear mind, free of lies & deception?
I want that for myself. I need to live that 100% honest life. I want to be honest with
my husband at all times, not just when it suits me. I want to teach the importance of honesty
to my children. I want to stress its importance to the children that are already grown & are out there in the world. That's
all I can do. As a member of the human race on this earth, all I can be responsible for is myself & my immediate family.
I believe that if we all began to recover from whatever is ailing us as a dysfunctional boomer generation, there would be hundreds...
no thousands.... no millions of people on the face of the earth making significant changes in their lifestyles. They'd take
on better values & morals. Just think of the role models that could be produced for our children & their children. If just the boomer generation got
a grip & began to be 100% honest with themselves first.
I'm sure that at the least.... it would be a much gentler world.
Kathleen
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Whatever you do, be honest! That's my message in this article....
Why being honest matters
It's a very dishonest world we find ourselves in, don't you think? In business, at work, in politics, in fact everywhere you are honesty seems to be in very
short supply sometimes. I want to encourage you in this brief article to always stick to being honest to others & also to yourself.
It does pay believe me!
I believe that being honest in every aspect of the word can contribute to building your level of
self esteem. Here's a brief outline of the connection between honesty & self esteem:
How honesty & self esteem are linked
- Be honest to yourself - this
is the first & most important step towards self improvement. Admitting to yourself what you need to change or improve & being realistic enough to realize what is involved in that change.
- Honesty - means being true
to yourself. Say yes if you think yes & no if want to say no. By defending your beliefs & speaking up your self esteem will climb
- Be honest at work - you'll
never have to cover up anything & others will respect you for it. You'll be trusted & also consistent & fair. If you feel that honesty doesn't pay where you work & that others are benefiting from
being dishonest or underhand then get out of there & find a place that'll reward & welcome an honest
person like you. You make a choice to give up your self esteem when you accept that you need to be as dishonest as the rest.
- Be honest in business - the
customer will know when you're genuine. Why be a fake? If you're interested honestly in someone they'll respond & in sales
this could be a very desirable step in forging an unbeatable partnership with your customer.
- Be honest in relationships
- for both of your sakes & your partner will respect & love you for it. Saying one thing & thinking another is disaster & you can't build any relationship on anything else but honesty
& its close companion trust.
In short
I thought many times that the only way to progress at work or in business was to knuckle down with the rest of them & use the same
dishonest tactics that I found so many others using but I really tried to stick to my guns & be honest.
It was harder & I lost out. I was overlooked for promotion & I did despair. After a while I realized that I needed to change not my attitude & method but what I was doing & where I was going. I want to be honest & so
I changed my work & I'm now happier because I'm truer to myself. Honesty can pay, try it! You'll feel so much better about
yourself..
Become a Credible Communicator: Make Honesty Your Policy!
By Craig Harrison
When you speak, do people listen? You don't have to be E.F. Hutton to command attention & respect in the workplace. But you do have to be credible.
Credibility in the workplace means
believability. Simply put, do people believe what you say?
Is your reputation based on a track record of telling the truth?
Are your estimates accurate, your forecasts realistic & your word solid?
Or are you a big talker, a storyteller or a spin doctor?
Strive to be a credible communicator.
The Right
Way to Speak & Write
From the moment you submit a résumé & then interview
for a job, the credibility counter is activated. Are your CV's assertions accurate, your chronology factual & your affiliations,
degrees & awards correct? Whether spoken or written, our communication must withstand the test for truthfulness.
Whether or not you're "found out" during the interview process, you can lose your job & damage
your career immeasurably when you lie, misstate or misrepresent your accomplishments.
Pulitzer prize winning authors have been undone, as have supposed war heroes &
many a politician, by aggrandizing or completely falsifying one's past accomplishments.
You're also susceptible to blackmail when you lie & are then threatened with exposure.
As we've just seen, there is no "luck of the Irish" involved when you lie about your
credentials, even as the head football coach for the Notre Dame Fighting Irish.
For
entrepreneurs this is especially true. You ARE your business. You must be beyond reproach. Even a hint of impropriety can
be fatal. Your goal is to ooze integrity thru your words & deeds.
Your Word Is Your Bond
People
listen to what you say & how you say it. In every job situation you have the opportunity to become known as a person
of his or her word. Conversely, you can become known for shading the truth, for telling people what they want to hear, or
parsing words as a defendant might do under cross examination in a court of law.
We've
all heard of the boy who cried wolf so many times that when a wolf finally appeared, people had long since stopped
listeNING. This boy's credibility had long since turned non-existent. The same is true in the workplace. Whether you cry racism, sexism,
ageism or favoritism it's important that there be credence to your claims. You do everyone a disservice if you falsely accuse
or ascribe such motives to actions that otherwise occur
Words Are Sticks & Stones
Beyond misrepresenting your own accomplishments or capabilities, be cautious of
assertions made about others. Character assassination can be fatal to careers & not just the person you're blaspheming.
Whether or not you're a manager your words carry a weight to them that affects others.
Gossiping about others or spreading falsehoods or even half-truths can flag you as dangerous, untrustworthy & ultimately
unpromotable.
One of the keys to success in the workplace is engendering trust from
your co-workers. If you're gossiping or betraying confidences you destroy your own credibility - as an honorable co-worker,
a safe confidante & an ally.
Take
the High Road
Workplaces provide ample opportunities for you to earn credibility.
Every time you make a deadline, do what you say you'll do or are there in a time of need for others, the department of the
company at large, your credibility rises.
Times when you defend the honor of co-workers who aren't present, refuse to engage in gossip, or caution others to give co-workers the benefit of the doubt, you're showing wisdom & professionalism, which raises your credibility in the workplace.
Similarly,
when you "say the right thing" or "do the right thing" in ethical situations your credibility is enhanced.
Tell It Like It Is
Often employees fall down when it comes to admitting mistakes. The credible communicator can admit
errors or mistakes in a forthright & direct manner. Everyone makes mistakes, yet the credible communicator can address
them & go about rectifying them, restoring confidence in him or herself.
Those lacking in credibility might try to cover up, ignore or minimize their folly, often compounding the error of their ways. Ultimately, it's less important that you made a mistake, than that you fixed it & can assure others it won't happen again.
Know When to Say No
The credible communicator doesn't just tell
people what they want to hear. Life would be easy of we could say "yes" to every request we received.
Yet realistically, agreeing to something you ultimately can't deliver on is
detrimental to your reputation. Develop the fortitude to say "no" when it's the right answer, even thru it may not be the
popular one.
Over the long term, you'll be respected for the accuracy of your assessments, decisions & determinations, even if the news isn't music to the ears of all who
listen.
Sometimes the truth isn't popular or pretty, but a person who is a "straight
shooter" is respected by all.
Earning Your Stripes
Strive to boost
your credibility rating at work & in your professional relationships. You'll know you're succeeding when you hear others
tell you they know they can count on you, have confidence in your projections & feel secure in their knowledge you're on the team. Don't be in-credible…strive to be incredible!
In his youth professional speaker &
corporate trainer Craig Harrison won a Tall Tales Contest. Now he teaches classes on credibility for UC Santa Cruz Extension
& other institutions and helps professions communicate & serve for success. Hire him at 510-547-0664, send e-mail
to excellence@craigspeaks.com & visit his website: click here for more value from Craig.
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