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Every Smack is a Humiliation A Manifesto by Alice Miller
Few insights gained in the last 20 years are so securely established as the realization that what we do to
children when they're small, good things and bad things will later form a part of their behavioral repertoire.
Battered children will batter others, punished children act punitively and children lied to become liars themselves.
In the short term, corporal punishment may produce obedience. But it's a fact documented by research
that in the long term the results are inability to learn, violence and rage, bullying, cruelty, inability to feel another's pain, especially that of one's own children, even drug addiction and suicide, unless they're enlightened or at least helping witnesses on hand to prevent that development.
When laws prohibiting corporal punishment were launched in 1977 in Sweden, 70% of the citizens
were against it. In the latest survey, 20 years later the figure has dropped to 10%, most of them fundamentalists.
These statistics show that the mentality of the Swedish population has changed radically in the
course of a mere 20 years. A destructive tradition, upheld and acted upon for thousands of years, has been done away with
thanks to this legislation.
Where is the rest of the world?
The claim that mild punishments (slaps or smacks)
have no detrimental effect is still widespread because we got this message very early from our parents who had taken it over
from their own parents.
Unfortunately, the main damage it causes is precisely the broad dissemination of this conviction. The result of which is that each successive generation is subjected to the tragic effects of so called physical "correction."
Fundamentalists propagate beating children because they disavow their own painful experiences
and are unaware of the fact that they're using children as scapegoats. It's imperative for us to launch this kind of preventive legislation in the major countries of Europe and the USA before
the fundamentalists gain any further control of the political arena.
It's designed to have a protective and informative function for parents. It doesn't set out to
incriminate anyone.
Sanctions deriving from it could take the form of parents being obligated to internalize information
on the consequences of corporal punishment, in much the same way as drivers of motor vehicles are required by state law to
be familiar with the highway code.
In the case of our children, the point at issue isn't only the welfare of individual families--
the vital interests of society as a whole are at stake.
Physical cruelty and emotional humiliation not only leave their
marks on children, they also inflict a disastrous imprint of the future of our society.
Information on the effects of the "well-meant smack" should therefore be part and parcel of courses
for expectant mothers and of counseling for parents.
Hitler, Stalin, Mao and other dictators were exposed to severe physical mistreatment in childhood
and refused to face up to the fact later. Instead of seeing and feeling what had happened to them, they avenged themselves
vicariously by killing millions of people.
And millions of others helped them to do so. If the legislation we're advocating had existed the
time, those millions would simply have refused to perpetrate acts of cruelty at the command of crazed political leaders.
(This text can be distributed and published by everybody to disseminate the
information as widely as possible. Alice Miller)
  
What Parents Can Do About Childhood Bullying
If
you’re a parent concerned about bullying, it’s important to recognize the signs that a child is a bully, as well as the signs of one who is being victimized.
This is
especially true if your child has a learning disability (LD) or Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder (AD/HD), conditions
which make kids more vulnerable to bullying.
Being alert
and observant is critical, since victims are often reluctant to report bullying. Many victims don’t report it to their parents or teachers because they’re embarrassed or humiliated by the bullying.
They may
assume that adults will accuse them of tattling or will tell them to deal with it themselves. Some victims believe there's nothing adults can do to get the bully to stop.
Naturally,
bullies don’t discuss their misdeeds with their parents or teachers. If their bullying behavior is reported and their parents confront them, bullies usually deny their involvement.
The
Victim: Signs and Symptoms
A child who is
a victim of bullying may display one or more of the following behaviors at home*:
- Comes home from school with
clothing that’s torn or in disarray, or with damaged books.
- Has bruises, cuts and scratches,
but can’t give a logical explanation for how he got them.
- Appears afraid or reluctant to go to school in the morning, complaining repeatedly of headaches or stomach pains.
- Chooses an “illogical”
route for going to and from school.
- Has bad dreams or cries in
his sleep.
- Loses interest in school
work and his grades suffer. If your child normally struggles in school because of a learning disability and is teased about
having LD, school may become unbearable for him.
- Appears sad or depressed, or shows unexpected mood shifts, irritability and sudden outbursts of temper.
- Requests money from you
to meet the bully’s demands and might even resort to stealing money from you or other family members.
- Seems socially isolated, with few, if any, real friends; is rarely invited to parties or to the homes of other kids. His fear of rejection may lead him to shun others.
| The Bully: Signs and Symptoms
A youngster
who is bullying other kids may display one or more of the following behaviors at home*:
- Has a strong need to dominate and subdue others; asserts himself with power and threats to get his own way.
- Intimidates his siblings or kids in the neighborhood.
- Brags about his actual
or imagined superiority over other kids.
- Is hot - tempered, easily angered, impulsive and has low frustration tolerance. Has difficulty conforming to rules and tolerating adversities and delays.
If he has the impulsive/hyperactive type of AD/HD, that could explain some of these behaviors; if so, it’s important to work with his doctor and teachers to address and manage such behaviors.
- Cheating
- Oppositional, defiant and
aggressive behavior toward adults, including teachers and parents.
- Antisocial or criminal behavior
(such as stealing or vandalism), often at a relatively early age. He may
hang out with the “wrong crowd.”
* Adapted from Bullying at School
What can parents of
the victim do?
If you know
or suspect your child is being bullied, but his school hasn’t communicated with you about the situation, you should contact your child’s teacher(s)
right away.
Keep in mind
that your primary goal should be to get the school’s cooperation to get the bullying to stop. Knowing your own child is being victimized can evoke strong feelings, but you’ll get much more cooperation from school personnel if you can stick to the facts without becoming overly emotional.
While you
may want assurance that everyone involved is punished severely, try to focus on putting an end to the bullying!
If your
child is a victim of bullying, try helping him with the following strategies:
Your Attitude and Actions
Listen carefully to your child’s reports of being bullied. Be sympathetic and take the problem seriously. Be careful not to overreact or under-react.
Don't blame the victim. When a child finally works up the courage to report bullying, it isn’t appropriate to criticize him for causing it or not handling the situation correctly. For example, don’t
ask, “Well, what did you do to bring it on?”
Realize that for a child
who is being bullied, home is his refuge. Expect him to have some difficult times in dealing with victimization. Get professional help if you think your child needs it.
Encourage your child to keep talking to you. Spend extra time with him. Provide constant support and encouragement and tell him that you love him often!
Teaching
Your Child Safety Strategies
- Remember that hitting back
isn't a choice at school and shouldn’t be encouraged. In a school with a “zero tolerance policy” for physical aggression, encouraging your child to hit back may just get him expelled.
- Encourage your child to walk away and tell an adult if he feels someone's about to hurt him.
- Talk about safe ways to act in situations that might be dangerous.
For example, identify a “safe house” or store or where he can find sanctuary if pursued by bullies. Encourage him to walk w/an adult or older child.
Give him a telephone number
of an available adult to call if he’s afraid and needs help dealing with a bullying situation.
- Teach your child how to report
bullying incidents to adults in an effective way. Adults are less likely to discount a child’s report as “tattling”
if the report includes:
- What's being done to him
that makes him fearful or uncomfortable
- Who is doing it
- What he has done to try to
resolve the problem or to get the bully to quit
- A clear explanation of what
he needs from the adult (or what he wants the adult to do) to get the bully to quit.
- Brainstorm and practice
strategies with your child to avoid further victimization.
- Educate your child about
bullying and bullies. Help him put the problem in perspective and not take it personally.
- Teach your child how to walk
in a confident manner.
- If needed, help him pay particular attention to personal grooming and social skills.
- Identify and encourage your child’s talents and positive attributes; doing so may help him better assert himself among his peers.
- Encourage your child to make new friends. A new environment can provide a “new chance” for a victimized student, as he won’t be subjected to the negative stereotype other classmates have of him.
Encourage him to make contact with calm and friendly students in his school. Such action may require some assistance on your part, or perhaps a school mental health professional, to develop the child’s skills at initiating contact and maintaining a friendship relationship.
This is especially true if
your child’s learning problems make his social interactions difficult. Be sure to provide ongoing support and encouragement, because your child, due to earlier failures, will tend to give up in the face of even slight adversities.
- Encourage your child to participate in physical training or sports, even if he’s reluctant. Physical exercise can result in better
physical coordination and less body anxiety, which, in turn, is likely to increase self-confidence and improve peer relationships.
When should the victim’s
parents contact school authorities?
If the bullying occurs at school, then the main responsibility for achieving this goal lies with the school officials. It’s important, however, that the parents of the victim collaborate with the school to implement an agreed-upon plan for solving the problem.
If your
child has been the victim of bullying at school, here are some suggestions for reporting the problem to school authorities:
- After talking to your child,
but before contacting school personnel, write down the details of the bullying situations reported to you by your child. Note the dates and the names of the kids involved. Try to view the situation objectively
and determine the how serious it is.
- Your child may resist your involvement if he fears retaliation by the bully. If so, explain to your child that most bullying situations require adult intervention to resolve the problem. Let him know exactly who you plan to talk to.
- Contact school personnel
for assistance in ending the bullying. First share the problem with your child’s teacher(s) and work together to decide how to approach the problem.
If the teacher isn’t able
to get the bullying under control, go to the principal and make a formal request in writing that he get the bullying to stop.
- Don't contact the bully or the bully's family directly.
- Keep an ongoing log of the
dates of any further bullying incidents and the actions you take to help your child deal w/the bullying. Inform the school of ongoing bullying incidents.
What can the
parents of the bully do?
Parents of
bullies should understand that children who aggressively bully peers are at increased risk for engaging in antisocial or criminal behavior in the future.
It's therefore,
important to try to help bullies change their negative attitudes and behavior toward others.
Your Attitude and Actions
- Take the problem seriously.
Resist a tendency to deny the problem or to discount the seriousness of it. Avoid denial thinking such as “Boys will be boys,” or “Bullying is just a natural part of growing up."
- Listen carefully and check out the facts. Don't believe everything your child tells you. Children who bully are good at manipulating adults and can be very artful at weaving a story that makes them look innocent.
- The school or the victim’s
parents may be documenting reports of your child’s bullying behaviors. It doesn’t serve your child well to deny his involvement if there is evidence to the contrary. Check out the dates and the
activities and determine if there's a pattern in his bullying behavior.
- Explore the reasons for your
child’s negative behavior. Get professional help if necessary for your child and/or your family.
Holding
the Bully Accountable
- Resist the tendency to blame yourself. Hold your child responsible for his own choices.
- Make it clear to your child
that you take bullying seriously and that you will not tolerate such behavior in the future. Make it clear that you expect all bullying activities to stop immediately.
- The issue of bullying should be monitored for some time through questioning your child and regularly contacting the school to determine if his
bullying behavior has stopped.
Helping a Bully Change Behavior
- Develop a clear and simple
system of family rules. Offer frequent praise and reinforcement. Use non-hostile, negative consequences for violations of rule-following behavior. Consistently enforce the rules. Appropriate consequences for bullying might include the loss of privileges (e.g., television or computer game time).
- Follow through with appropriate
consequences for your child’s misbehavior. Don't use physical punishment, as doing so will only reinforce your child’s mistaken belief that it’s acceptable to bully those who are weaker to get what one wants.
If both you and the school
are consistent in applying negative consequences for bullying, the chances he will change his behavior are considerably increased.
Is your child in “bad
company”? If so, limit his exposure to the negative peer group and provide opportunities to become involved with more pro-social peers.
What can and should parents expect the school to do?
Whether
your child is a bully, victim, or bystander, you should expect the following from his school:
- School administrators, teachers
and staff should take bullying problems seriously. The school should investigate the situation and let you know what steps they’re taking to
help stop the bullying.
- Written school policies and
rules against bullying, harassment and intimidation should be in place and be enforced.
- Teachers and administrators
should speak to the bully and his parents. They should also tell him what the consequences will be if he doesn’t stop bullying others. If the bullying continues, the school should enforce the pre-determined consequences immediately.
- Teachers and administrators
should increase adult supervision in the areas of the school campus where bullying incidents are most likely to occur.
- School personnel should be
well-informed about the children who're being victimized by bullies so they can monitor and provide support to the victims as needed. They should also communicate often with the victims’ parents to tell them how the situation is being handled at school.
Finally,
be aware that bullying prevention programs in schools are often a very effective way to stop bullying.
Building a Bully-free
Future
Even
though bullying has existed in schools for decades, that's no excuse to continue to allow children to be bullied. Researchers have gained new understanding of the dynamics of bullying and the roles of all those involved.
The long-term negative outcomes of children who are bullied are too serious to ignore. For example, the CIA has reported that fully 2/3 of recent school shooting incidents in
the US were committed by youth who had experienced severe bullying by their classmates.
Parents and teachers hold the power to work together to put an end to bullying and provide a safe learning environment for all children.
In many cases, it'll be the parent who must take charge of bringing the bullying incidents to the attention of school authorities. Parents should expect full cooperation from the school to resolve the problem.
The
result of reducing bullying in our schools is an improved school environment that is friendly and welcoming to all students. In schools where children feel protected from bullying, they're free to spend their days learning, building friendships and dreaming about all the possibilities for their lives.
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In My Opinion by Caroline Porter
Single parent families not always ''broken.''
Rarely does anyone come
to the defense of the single parent, especially the single mother. A family with only one parent, even though supported by grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, church and friends is considered ''broken'' and listed as one of the great sources of crime and anything else bad that happens in our society.
I was a single parent with
3 children for 7 years and one might say, even though we marry again, that once a single parent, always a single parent.
It's usually the mother. After
17 years of marriage and 3 children, I was divorced in 1975. It was hardly the fashionable status at the time and I can remember
being grief stricken, humiliated and frightened.
My church, friends and
relatives were totally unprepared to deal with me or my divorce. I entered the work force for the first time in 13 years, so my children, aged 11, 10 and 6, were left with no father at
home and a mother gone most of the day.
The children were also grieving and embarrassed.
My ex-husband and I had the
most civil divorce possible. We shared the same attorney and decided between us the terms of the divorce. Neither of us was involved with anyone
else. After the divorce my children's father moved out of town but we all got along and I saw to it that we even spent holidays together.
We were close and good friends for many years.
That being said, my children,
who are now in their 30's, will probably never recover from the divorce. But they're not dysfunctional or criminals, either.
Being a single parent is frightening because it's so much responsibility not shared with another adult. It's frightening because we're so afraid our children will do something that will reflect on us as single parents.
Having only one parent at
home is more of a social disgrace than anything else - children quite often benefit from a more peaceful environment or the absence of an abusive parent.
I do get tired
of the stigma of the single parent or ''broken'' home however. Several weeks ago a young boy who won a geography bee obviously had a step-parent. One year 50% of the top
10 students at Galesburg High School were from so-called ''broken'' homes.
Every day students are recognized for achievement who have single parents or are living with a step parent.
In the ideal world, children
have 2 biological parents who are mature enough to make their marriage work and aren't poverty stricken.
But social historians say
that the only decade of what we consider ''family values'' was in the 1950's and that many social issues weren't pleasant. The teenage birthrate was almost twice as high in 1957
as today, according to an article in Modern Maturity magazine, but most young men could afford to marry.
Problems such as alcoholism, battering and incest were swept under the rug. Women became almost ill from the expectations of society that we not use our unique abilities or be individuals.
Even though divorce rates
and the number of unwed mothers were at an all-time low, more children lived in poverty than today.
Discrimination was rampant
against ethnic groups, political dissidents, women, elders, gays, religious minorities.
The social stability of the
decade was due less to the family forms than the the unique social and political climate.
''The high rate of unionization,
heavy corporate investment in manufacturing and feeling generous government assistance in the form of public-works projects, veterans' benefits, student loans and housing subsidies gave
young families a tremendous jump start, created predictable paths out of poverty and led to unprecedented increases in real
wages, '' says the magazine article.
It points out that by the
time the ''traditional male bread winner'' reached age 30, in both the 1950's and 60's, he could pay the principal and interest
on a median-priced home on only 15-18% of his income.
Segregation and other social
issues were kept on the back burner.
According to the article,
the highest point of health and nutrition for poor children came in 1970, a period that coincided with the peak years of the
Great Society, not the high point of the 50's family.
Since 1973, says family historian
Stephanie Coontz in Modern Maturity, corporations have abandoned the communities that grew up around them, seeking cheap labor overseas or in non-unionized sectors of the South. Involuntary
part-time work has soared.
Time magazine
noted in 1993 that predictable job ladders of the 50's and 60's have been sawed off. ''Companies are portable, workers are
throwaway.'' Long term commitments aren't part of the modern corporation.
Decaying wage and job structures,
not changing family structures, have caused an overwhelming income redistribution so that the gap between the rich and poor is the largest ever.
According to Donald J. Hernandez,
PhD, formerly with the U.S. Census Bureau, if every child in America were reunited with both biological parents, 2/3
of those who are poor today, would still be poor.
The American family has always
been vulnerable to society and economic change. One solution may be to not demonize those who have different family structures, but to solve the deeper economic problems
that put such tremendous pressure on adults of all ages.
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Eating Disorders: The Truth
Growing
up in our culture, surrounded by messages that thin is successful and sexy, it’s no wonder so many of our girls struggle with disordered eating.
Girls start worrying
when they're so young about looking a certain way. They overlook the fact that genetics play a big role in their size and
shape.
Kemba: I have known a couple of girls who have put themselves through extreme measures just to make themselves
look skinny, or to make themselves look how they think other people want them to look. It's really sad and it's really dangerous, too.
Bopha: My parents were so critical of
my body that every time I was to eat something, to put something in my mouth, they'd always say, you know, you're going to
get fat, or you better watch out, you know… So I just went on a big diet.
Katti: Society has this you know, tall, skinny supermodel up on a pedestal and it's not real.
It's really not. Take it from someone who knows, you can do a lot with a camera, you know, air-brushing. And I know that it's
not real. Kemba:
...which I think is kind of upsetting and sad at some points, because girls go through so many extreme measures to look like society wants them to look.
Bopha: Another way that I tried to lose weight was I'd eat, but then I would throw up after. And I found out it wasn't healthy
for me at all and I felt really sick. And as a result, I didn't lose any weight, if anything ... I gained weight.
Kemba: I think it's really sad when girls have these eating disorders because the eating disorders don't solve their problems, it creates a lot of new problems.
Bopha: When I first started throwing up, I thought I wanted to solve my problem by losing weight. But in reality, I was creating a bigger problem...
I was threatening my health. I felt ashamed that I was throwing up all the time and I wanted to stop. So I talked to my advisors at Girls
Incorporated ... they were really supportive. We talked about it and helped me to stop ... now, I am healthier, I do healthy stuff. Now, when I look in the mirror, I like what I see. I like my body
the way it is.
Kemba: When I was young my brother had this nickname for me, fat girl. I started looking at the t.v. and I started seeing
these skinny models and I’m like, well maybe I am fat.
And it just started to get
in my head. So I talked to my dad about it and he told me that I’m not fat, I’m athletic. And it doesn’t
matter, even if I were, what matters most is what I do with myself and what I do with my life and what I think about - that’s what matters the most.
Katti: Because my mom always told me I was beautiful and I always had people there to, to help me
out with my self-confidence, especially in the last couple of years, I've been able to you know, look at myself, to really look at myself and say,
no, that's not really that bad.
Jeanne
Blake: It’s no secret that most girls at one time or another want to be thinner.
Dr. Rauch: The
wish to be thinner among adolescent girls is common. But, in girls with eating disorders they can never be thin enough. The need to lose weight eclipses common sense and good health.
Jeanne
Blake: Let’s turn our attention to the girl who is showing signs
of unhealthy eating pattern that could evolve into an eating disorder. Is it always a sign of a deeper problem?
Dr. Rauch: Sometimes
it’s a response to peer pressures and anxieties about coming of age. Left unattended to it may develop into a serious problem.
Jeanne Blake:
So what can parents do?
Dr. Rauch: Parents
need to remind girls that super skinny models aren’t the normal body. In fact, pictures in magazines are touched up, altered
because even super models don’t have perfect bodies.
People don’t really
look like that. A parent needs to stress that what is just as important as how you look is that your body is strong and reliable.
Girls need to know their body will help them accomplish what they want to accomplish. We want girls to experience their bodies as sources of strength – so they can do things they love – swim, run, play tennis, play soccer and be successful in their lives.
Jeanne Blake: But at that age, as young people reach adolescence
their physical appearance is so incredibly important.
Dr. Rauch: But there are healthy ways to express ones individuality.
For example by fashion, jewelry and their hair cut and color. They can still be their own person.
Jeanne Blake: But to try to do it through the shape of their body
seems to demand too much of themselves.
Dr. Rauch: And, for so many it’s an unrealistic goal. We inherit
a lot of how our body looks from our parents. We need to remind our girls and tell them many different ways that the important thing is that your body be strong and healthy and that it let’s you do the kinds of things you love to do.
Jeanne Blake: Like Kemba’s dad –
identifying something she loves basketball and reminding her she needs a strong and powerful body to be good at her sport.
Dr: Rauch: Right.
Jeanne Blake: We have to be aware of the messages – verbal and non-verbal that we give to girls.
Dr. Rauch: It’s incredibly important that moms and dads pay attention to what they say to their kids about weight.
If dads tease girls who are developing breasts or broadening hips,
girls will often feel humiliated. Growing girls usually feel self-conscious about their bodies anyway. Those who get into trouble can usually recall a time they were teased about the way they looked
by a parent or sibling.
Jeanne Blake: As with any issue, parents need to consider seriously their role as a model to their child.
Dr. Rauch: Mothers need to be aware of their own relationship to food and their body. Ask yourself: Are we putting ourselves down for not
looking like a skinny super model?
Are we sending a message that the way we look is more important than how we feel, than what we know, than what we accomplish and contribute? Remember, your child is watching and listening.
How do you help your daughter feel good about her body? Have you
helped your daughter avoid an eating disorder, or deal with an eating disorder? Tell us your true story. Selected essays will be printed. MyOwnWords@AboutHealth.com
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