Meditation on Gentleness - a Form of Love

by Thomas A. Stobie, S.F.O. source site: Meditation on Gentleness

First, let us consider others interacting with us.

• Do you prefer when someone talks to you calmly and gently, or when they yell at you or speak aggressively at you?

People respond better to gentleness in speech.

• Do you prefer when someone shakes your hand that they do so gently and firmly or as tight as they can squeeze?

People respond better to gentleness in touch.

• Do you prefer when someone handles your property with care and gentleness or justing throwing it around or slamming it into things?

People prefer that others treat their property gently.

• Do you prefer when someone is waiting for you that they wait patiently or persistantly try to hurry you up?

People prefer others to wait patiently when they're trying to get something done.

• Do you prefer when someone is walking near you that they stomp around applying excessive force or that they try to walk lightly?

People prefer a courteous light walking.

• Do you prefer when someone is helping you with a problem that they patiently work with you trying to understand your difficulties and help you with them, or that they insult you putting you down for your shortcomings?

People prefer loving assistance.

Would you rather be around someone who is gentle or someone who is not?

Now let us consider our own actions with others and with things.

• How do I treat my family?

• Am I patient with them or demanding all the time?

• Do I respect their wants and likes, or do I force my way on my family?

• Am I considerate of my family in my home?

• Do I avoid talking to myself so that I don't disturb members of my family?

• How do I treat my co-workers?

• Am I patient with them or demanding all the time?

• Do I treat them with respect?

• Do I treat them with abruptness, like my time is much more valuable then theirs?

• How do I treat other people in my community?

• Am I patient and gentle with others that I meet, whether in stores, in cars, in church parking lots, in restaurants, at school, at meetings, at sports events, etc.?

• Do I treat them with respect?

• How do I treat property?

• Does it vary by whether it is my property or someone else's?

• Do I treat property with care or just throw it around?

• Do I consider my property just on loan from God at the present moment?

• Would I treat Jesus the way I treat others?

• Jesus is in everyone we meet so how we treat them is how we treat Jesus.

• Would we treat Jesus' property like we treat our own or those of others?

Am I a gentle person or not? Why or why not?

Gentleness isn't unmanly. Remember that Jesus, St. Joseph, St. Francis and Pope John Paul II, President George W. Bush, just to name a few, are all gentle men. Being gentle doesn't lessen men, rather it's a true characteristic of manhood.

Great men tend to be gentle men.

Treating people with gentleness shows them that we value and respect them. Likewise treating things with gentleness, we show others and God, that we want to take care of what with we have been entrusted and that we desire to leave it to others in good condition.

Gentleness is a way of life, showing our love in how we interact with people & things. Like any way of life, gentleness has to be practiced for us to become more gentle. If we want to become more gentle, we must take active steps, that is

(1) choosing to be more gentle

(2) keeping this resolution in mind

(3) acting in gentleness

(4) catching ourselves when we aren't gentle so that we can be more aware of our gentleness or lack of gentleness in the future.

These are some of the basics of my discipline style. I always keep them in mind when I'm dealing with more specific discipline issues. Combine them for a greater effect.

For example, empathize, then redirect.

Consistency is crucial

 Keep your rules "few, firm and fair" suggest the authors of Positive Discipline for Preschoolers. Routines (bedtime, mealtime etc) and follow thru are also essential discipline tools.

They establish trust in the parent-child relationship. Don't make idle threats. If you say you're going to take away a toy if it's being misused, DO IT! Nothing trains a child's ear to be deaf to a parent's voice like constant threats that are never followed by decisive action.

No one is consistent all of the time, but if you really make an effort to be consistent in terms of the behaviors you expect and how you react to your child's misbehaviors, discipline will be much easier.

Eliminate undesirable behaviors early

Unless you correct an undesirable behavior like whining when it first appears, it can become a learned behavior for your child and will only get increasingly difficult to eliminate.

Distract and Redirect
About the only truly appropriate disciplinary tool for infants and toddlers, the art of redirection is invaluable. Use this frequently, it's appropriate for a variety of situations.

• Items that are off limits: "Uh-oh, not for baby, let's come over here and you can play with your blocks"

• Impending tantrums: "Oh WOW! Look at all of those rocks over there! Shall we walk over that way so you can pick one up before we leave the park?"

Praise

The "catch them when they're good" tactic can be very effective as well. While it's important that you not fawn over each positive behavior your child exhibits (be realistic- children need to learn how to feel good about their own behaviors and not expect undo praise every time they act right) pointing out the good behavior and telling them how much you appreciate it can have a very positive effect.

Especially if you're working on a specific behavior, realistic praise can be a very effective.

Empathize

Try to understand where your child is "coming from." Try using language that confirms their emotions and helps them learn to communicate them to you.

Saying, "You sound very angry that I won't allow you to watch another movie" might get a better reaction from your child than, "Oh hush!...you know the rules about the television."

I'd caution against overuse of this empathetic reflection technique, particularly as your child gets older. Depending on your usual communication style, it can sound a bit patronizing and false.

Respect your child's emotions

Teach her that it's okay to have negative emotions like anger and help her learn how to channel those emotions productively. It does her no good for you to try to stifle those emotions.

All human beings have negative emotions and she needs to know how to handle them appropriately.

Give Choices

A great technique, especially for toddlers. The more choices you can offer a child whose independence is blossoming, the better he will tolerate the situations he has no control over.

Offer food choices, clothing choices, now or later choices, toy and activity choices, etc. whenever you possibly can. Just make sure that you'd be happy with either of the options you're giving .

I call my all time favorite choice the "self or help choice." We hit on it as soon as she began asserting her independence and the word "self" entered her vocabulary.

• "Do you want to come here for your diaper change by yourself or do you need help"
• "Do you want to put on your hat by yourself or do you want help"

Natural Consequences

Especially once children are a bit older, natural consequences are a great tool. If they won't eat, they'll be hungry.

If they refuse to put on their coat, you'll have to cut short the play time in the back yard because it's cold.

The natural consequence of not getting ready for bed might mean that there's only time for one story.

Natural consequences are for situations that aren't life threatening. Obviously, letting a child learn the natural consequence of running into the street isn't smart parenting.

The Positive Discipline series of books by Jane Nelson, discusses natural consequences in depth.

Separate the child from the behavior

Never tell your child they're bad or you don't like them. Point out that it is the behavior that's bad or the action that you don't like. Use phrases like "I get angry when....." instead of "You make me so mad when you...."

Alternatives to "No"

Use these whenever you can. The goal isn't to eliminate the word "no' from your vocabulary altogether, it's to reserve it for those circumstances which really require it, so that it'll have more impact.

• Use other words - stop, hot!, not for Lucy, etc. This works well for babies and toddlers.

• Say Yes - "Of course you can play outside...as soon as we've finished lunch" Good for toddlers and preschoolers.

• Substitute - "You may not play with the cat's tail, but you may play with these pots and pans" or "Stop! No jumping on the couch!

• Here....let me put the cushions on the floor and you can jump on those"

• Explain - "Yucky! That's dirty...bad for you"

Pick your battles

And pick them wisely. Try to distinguish the "biggies" from the "smallies" and consider letting some of the "smallies" slide. These will vary widely from family to family. What's tolerable to you might be intolerable to someone else.

I'd suggest that disrespectful and annoying behaviors like back talk and whining should never be considered "smallies" These have an enormous impact on the way your child is perceived by others.

Keep it simple

Long winded explanations will bore and maybe confuse your child. Statements like "The rule is no hitting" or "No cookies before lunch" are easy enough to understand... and there's less for your child to argue with.

What Makes Kids Care?
Teaching Gentleness in a Violent World      © 2005 American Psychological Association

It seems as though we are surrounded by violence & cruelty. According to the National Crime Survey, almost 3 million crimes occur on or near school campuses every year; that's 16,000 per school day, or one every 6 seconds.

A recent study on domestic violence found that many high school boys thought it was all right for a boy to strike his girlfriend if she angered him; meanwhile, during the early 1980's, nearly 17,000 people were killed by their domestic partners.

In a world where violence & cruelty seem to be common & almost acceptable, a lot of parents wonder what they can do to help their children become 'kinder & gentler' - to develop a sense of caring & compassion for others. Raising kids who care isn't a solution to violence by itself, but you might worry that being exposed to a lot of violence - whether it's on television or on the streets - could make your children 'hard' & uncaring.

Parents, of course, can't completely control all of the things that affect their children's lives - after all, children spend a lot of time out in the 'real world' which can often be harsh, uncaring, or just plain unhappy - & children have their own personalities & characteristics that parents can't change or control.

But there are some things that a parent can try to help encourage their children to become caring, just & responsible.

Are Children 'Naturally' Caring?

People sometimes think that children don't really 'see' the outside world - or other people - the way adults do, that they view the world from their own eyes and in their own way. But is this true?

Researchers used to believe that a sense of real caring about others came as people grow into adulthood. But now studies are finding that children can show signs of empathy & concern from a very early age.

For example, a study by psychologists Carolyn Zahn-Waxler, Ph.D., Marian Radke-Yarrow, Ph.D., & Robert King, Ph.D. observed children whose parents were hurt somehow - either physically (e.g. father having a bad headache) or emotionally (e.g. mother received bad news & was crying). They discovered that even very young children had a pretty well-developed sense of empathy.

They reacted with concern, wanting to help or 'fix' the problem & they offered comfort & compassion to the parent who was hurt.

i.e, one mother had an argument with her husband & began crying. Her daughter, who was 21 months old, came & sat on her lap & became very physically affectionate:

'Then she leaned over & kissed me on the forehead. And that just cleared up all the depression & I reached over & hugged her. And then she began to smile & she looked relieved.'

It isn't just young children who have these kinds of reactions. And it isn't just for their parents that they have these feelings. A few years ago, a 12 year-old Philadelphia boy opened his own shelter for homeless people.

Many studies have shown that children respond quickly & with concern to a classmate, friend, family neighbor, or to a stranger, who is being hurt. It's well known, too, that children have a natural affinity for animals & a desire to help them.

One study, by Ziporah Magen, Ph.D., & Rachel Aharoni, Ph.D. found that teenagers who were involved in helping others felt very positive about their lives & had high hopes for their own futures.

'It was a wonderful feeling,' reported one student in this study. 'My feeling as free as a sparrow made me feel glad & happy & that life is an exciting thing.'

What Can Parents Do?

Let them Know How You Feel
The most important thing you can do is to let your children know how much it means to you that they behave with kindness & responsibility.

When you catch your child doing something that you think is thoughtless or cruel, you should let them know right away that you don't want them doing that.

Speak to your child firmly & honestly & keep your focus on the act, not on the child personally: something along the lines of

'What you did is not very nice' rather than, 'YOU are not very nice!'

It's important to let you children know how deeply you feel about their behavior toward others. If they see that you have a real emotional commitment to something, it's more likely that the issue will become important to them, too.

This emotional reaction needs to be accompanied by information: some explanation of why you disapprove; i.e., 'Look, Joey is crying. He's crying because you took his toy away.

That wasn't a very nice thing to do!' or 'It hurts the cat when you do that; that's why he scratched you. It isn't kind & I don't want you to do that anymore!'

Be frank, honest & upfront with your kids about what kind of behavior you do & don't like. Also, keep it short & to the point; the idea is to teach them, not the make them feel guilty!

Role Modeling
According to a study by psychologists E. Gil Clary, Ph.D. & Jude Miller, Ph.D., there are 2 kinds of parental role modeling that help teach children to be caring: kindness to others & kindness to the child.

In other words, actions speak louder than words.

If you're consistently caring & compassionate, it's more likely that your children will be too. Children watch their parents & other adults, for clues on how to behave.

Keep in mind that if you say one thing & do another, your children will pay a lot more attention to what you do. The old warning 'Do as I say, not as I do' simply doesn't work, particularly when it comes to teaching about caring.

Not everyone has time to devote to volunteer work or money to donate to causes, but there are small acts of caring that can be part of your family's life. These acts of caring don't have to be grandiose. Doing a favor for a neighbor, taking a stray animal to a shelter, giving money & a kind word to a homeless person, helping out when a group of teenagers are cruelly teasing a classmate; there are all kinds of small acts of compassion that you children can watch you do & even take part in themselves.

Try to surround your children with other people who are kind & caring, so that they have several role models.

Another thing you can do is try to find organized ways for your children to get involved. Let them know about places in the community where they can volunteer & encourage them to join. Many volunteer organizations & churches have special programs for young people & even for children.

You & Your Child
If you treat your children with respect for their dignity, with concern & with regard for their achievements - you help them understand that all living creatures should be treated with dignity & concern.

One part of this is to reward your children for acts of kindness. Psychologist Julius Segal, Ph.D., points out that just as it's important to let them know how strongly you feel about their unkind acts, it's important to let them know how highly you regard their kind ones; i.e.: 'I saw you take care of the boy who fell on the playground. That was very kind of you & it makes me feel very proud.'

What About Effects of the Outside World

Parents understandably worry that their effort at home can be undermined by outside influences, such as their children's friends, daily violence in their own neighborhoods, television shows & movies, or a culture that exalts 'heroes' who are selfish.

There are a few things that you can do to help counteract these influences, for instance:

• Give them books that promote compassionate behavior. Keep in mind, though, that kids - especially teenagers - don't like characters who are 'goody-two-shoes,' so look for books about 'ordinary' characters who perform acts of caring & concern.

• A study at the National Institute of Mental Health found that children who see kindness on television tend to imitate it. For this reason, you may want to limit their viewing of violent programs & encourage them to watch shows that promote ideas about caring & helping.

• Find out about the movies your children want to see: are they excessively violent, do they glamorize criminals or people who 'get ahead' at the expense of others, do they glorify violence to people or animals? While you can't shield your children from everything, a little discussion can go a long way. Ask them to think about what they saw & to consider other approaches the characters might have taken.

• Educate your children about famous altruists. Local museums can provide an inexpensive & enjoyable way to do this, as can television specials & books. Talk to them who they admire & why.

Can Children Become Too Sensitive?

If your child is confronted with the harsher realities of life everyday, you might wonder whether it's a good idea to let then see even more suffering and distress. Other parents might worry that exposing kids to a harder side of life that they've never seen could traumatize the children.

These are understandable fears and according to some experts, there are cases when children can become sensitive to the suffering of others. This is particularly true of children who are already emotionally fragile.

Not all giving is healthy for the giver; if a child starts placing the needs of other above his own, this could be a sign that perhaps he or she is giving too much.

Several schools have adopted 'caring courses' for children, taking students to nursing homes and to help the disabled and many humane societies have instituted children's 'compassion clubs'. You can also see numbers of children at political rallies and marches for various causes.

Generally speaking, children who participate in these activities haven't been traumatized; for the most part, they've adopted compassion and caring into their everyday lives and feel very rewarded by the experience. You as the parent can best judge when your child seems overly distressed.

The Indestructible Link

In the words of Dr. Julius Segal, 'none of the approaches suggested here will work in the absence of an indestructible link of caring between parent and child.'

What most inspires a child to grow up caring about others is the caring that the child receives. Experts point out that when children feel a more secure base at home, they're more likely to venture out and pay attention to others; it's when they feel deprived of love and nurturing that they focus on themselves and their own needs. Furthermore, that nurturing is itself a perfect role model for children.