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Ignore Your Body, Suffer the Consequences
Do you routinely ignore your body and its signals, as you might ignore a carcass alongside
the highway? Is your body dull and lifeless, like a carcass? If so, you may be like many psychotherapy clients who have the
mistaken impression that just doing verbal psychotherapy will eventually make them happy.
What they overlook is that
much of their emotional unhappiness stems from a dysfunctional body which is itself struggling to overcome the effects of smoking, drinking, being a couch potato,
an unhealthy diet, extra pounds, addictive food allergy, etc.
Many of us are badly out of
touch with our physical bodies. When we were young, we made the unconscious choice not to feel
certain parts or all of our bodies. This was preferable to feeling the pain associated with
traumatic events in our lives.
What made it painful to have
our bodies were all the parental and societal messages that squelched us. They caused us:
- to stuff our anger and hatred
- to conceal and deny our sexuality
- to eat our words
- to overeat to please Mommy
- to act like a big girl / boy by not crying
- to act invisible to avoid abuse
- to feel badly about being small
and weak
- etc.
It wasn't just the words and
emotions that got stuffed. Because we are interconnected organisms, if we shut down our words and emotions, our bodies also shut down.* Numbness as a child was preferable to pain.
Be
in the Moment Exercise. Try for 2 minutes to be as fully aware of your body as possible, (the feelings in your arm, your torso, the itch {scratch it
if you like}, the sensations in your feet, etc.). The purposes for such an exercise are:
One common feature of those
who are happy is their ability to spend most of their time in the present moment.* Therefore, it behooves us all to develop that skill, feeling in the present moment, thinking about the present moment and being in the present moment as fully as possible.
In verbal talk therapy so much energy is typically invested in talking, thinking and emoting that the body is frequently overlooked. Yet healing methods that focus primarily on the body are sometimes easier
and quicker than other means of healing.
Commonly too, they promote
positive unexpected emotional benefits. One particularly useful goal to have in life is to be completely comfortable with your body. This may, of course, require that you find some therapy.
 it's in the news..... latest news stories from the web...
Even
the most analytical people may rely on emotions to make decisions about their personal lives, no matter how rational that decision may seem, according to an imaging study
presented at a radiological meeting.
"Emotional and rational centers
work in concert, not in opposition," said Dean K. Shibata, a radiologist at the University of Rochester in Rochester, N.Y.
"We
think that people kind of calculate the outcome of a decision and then weigh how those rational choices make them feel" before
making a final decision.
Shibata and a colleague did brain imaging
scans of 5 male and 6 female volunteers, all about 24 years old. During the scan he asked them 2 questions.
The
first was: Which costs more, a bicycle or a camera?
The
second was: Which would you rather have, a bicycle or a camera?
The researchers believe the first question represents a fairly logical, rational question that wouldn't be expected to have an emotional response.
The second question, they
said, involved presumably rational decisions about personal benefit.
The
researchers found an area of the brain near the temples - called the dorsal lateral prefrontal
lobe - was active when the volunteers were asked both sets of questions.
In contrast, a region of the
brain just above and behind the eyes - called the ventromedial frontal lobe - was
active only when the volunteers were asked to make decisions that affected them personally.
The
dorsal lateral prefrontal lobe is known to be involved in thinking, such as addition or multiplication, while the ventromedial frontal lobe is involved in
higher-level decision making and processing emotions, Shibata told UPI.
The researchers presented their results at the annual meeting of the Radiological
Society of North America.
"Our personal viewpoint
is involved in far more of our decisions than we often appreciate," said R. Nick Bryan, a neuroradiologist at the University of Pennsylvania Health System in Philadelphia.
"This confirms and is consistent w/previous work" showing that, i.e., people who
suffer strokes in the ventromedial frontal lobe have trouble making
personal decisions, such as scheduling a doctor's appointment, he said.
The advantage of the current
work is that it's in normal subjects rather than those with known brain abnormalities, he said.
Bryan cautioned, however, the terms rational and emotional are very broad and the mental processes
through which people make decisions aren't really known.
Shibata
speculated his findings mean normal emotional function is needed for normal personal behaviors.
"What we're really trying to understand is how the brain normally functions," he said. "But this is a part of the brain that often goes wrong."
i.e., people with schizophrenia and depression tend to have abnormal function in the ventromedial front lobe, he told UPI.
It's possible monitoring brain activity might help track the effectiveness of drug treatments
for people with these disorders, he said and added his plans to study brain functions in people with schizophrenia and depression.
excerpt from: Pathfinder Rules for Healthy Discussions
with Children Pathfinders utilize communications with their children which are feelings oriented to problem solve issues which arise.
They emphasize the feelings over the content of what's being discussed with their children. They work harder processing how the children and parents
feel about the issues than simply coming to solutions or closure for them.
Pathfinders believe that discussions with children should be focused on feelings and emotions in order to come up with problem resolutions in which each participant feels like a winner.
Rule # 2
Pathfinders try to avoid being parallel listeners who ignore what their children say and how they feel
on an issue.
Parallel listeners aren't listening but preparing in their heads a response or rebuttal to what the other is saying without really hearing what the other is
saying.
This is an extreme example
of over focus on the content of an issue. It discounts the children
by ignoring their input and feelings about the issue. It reflects the belief that only parents have the answers to all problems or issues.
It over emphasizes the importance of knowledge about what is best in a circumstance and ignores the process and emotional tone between
the children and their parents.
This often leads to children
feeling "tuned out" by their parents and results in them becoming "turned off" to the process of
communicating with their parents.
Don't say: I don't care how you feel or what you say. The following are the reasons why this issue is wrong for you.
Do say: I hear you saying
that this is how you feel about this issue and what you think should be done about it. Is this what you're saying?
Listening
Keeping the lines of communication open with your child is one of the biggest challenges you'll face as a parent. It requires a real commitment and patience, but it's worth the effort. If you keep communication open, you have the ability to continue to share your values - to influence your child.
A key ingredient to open communication
is listening. One of the main complaints I hear from kids is that their parents don't listen. Some parents read the newspaper when talking with their kids. Others insist on injecting their opinions to the conversation.
I remember talking one day
with Kerry, a young woman with HIV. She and her mom had a terrific relationship. But, Kerry was feeling sort of frustrated that day. "I was really feeling bad today... I was so depressed. I just wanted my mom to listen, but she kept trying to fix everything.
She can't fix this. I really just wanted her to listen!"
If you have a child
struggling with a problem, of course you want to fix it. That's a parent's instinct. But sometimes, what your child really wants is for you to listen. Kids can often work out their own stuff, if you just give them the chance to talk it out.
NOAH: I think why it's important for parents to listen to their kids is so they don't feel left out, they don't feel like they're getting ignored and just so they feel
like they're part of it and they have self esteem.
VERONIKA: Parents
really need to listen to the children especially when parents accuse their children of doing things their children aren't doing. We end up doing
it just because, 'Oh well, if you say I do, I might as well.'
SOMKITH: Listening is mainly with your ears and not talking at all. I don't know that a lot of people understand that but you sit there and you listen.
Pam Wilson, MSW:
listen, listen, listen, is something I say over and over to parents. Because if in fact, they can tune into their children, try to understand how their children feel about things, the children will be more likely to come to them.
Communication is verbal and non-verbal. A disapproving look can close off communication as quickly as disapproving words. Open communication is a two-way street. listen, listen, listen and then ask open-ended questions such as:
- "What do you think about that?"
- "Tell me more about it."
- "What would you do?"
Barry Zuckerman, MD:
Many parents think they're listening when the other person is talking. But that may not be listening:
KERRY: When your
kids come to you and want to talk to you about their own sexual experiences or the possibility of involving themselves in
things that you don't think is a really good idea, I think you need to be really open minded and not to preach and not to judge but to and always make your kids feel that they can talk to you about anything.
Pam Wilson, MSW:
Communication needs to be a two way process. You as parent communicate what you think and how you feel about things and then you need to find out about how your child feels about things.
BARBARA: My son
came home .. after spending the night at (a friend's)
house ... It turns out ... his dad had a number of pornographic films there. And so when my son told me ... I wanted to scream
at him and shout, 'You shouldn't watch that kind of garbage.'
It turned out
to be what one of those teachable moments or listening moments because I said, 'Why do you think I'd be upset that you did that?' And ... I got back from him the values about pornography that I'd tried to share with him before.
If I had jumped
in there and said, 'How awful, how could you do that, you know we told you not to do that in our house', it would have shut
it down and I'd have never known that what I'd been hopeful that he was catching as a value in our house, had happened.
RAY: I don't know
of anything that's more effective in shutting down communication than condemnation and rejection. So if I can affirm the fact that you're at least sharing this with me - I may not like the news.
It may not have
been what I hoped you'd do, but I'm grateful for the fact that you're sharing with me and you're being honest about it and then we can sort of talk about it from there.
Sometimes the
toughest part of communicating with an adolescent is listening. We all know that it can be difficult to listen to something our children are saying without judging, without being critical.
Listening is vital to keeping the channels of communication open. Remember what one mother says: "The reason God gave us two ears and one mouth is so that we listen twice as much as we talk!"
Dealing with
Behavior
Children don't
intentionally set out to misbehave. In fact, children usually misbehave for a reason. Obviously it doesn't do any good to ask the youngster
why they acted up at "nana’s" house or screamed in their car seat for no apparent reason.
However, by examining
their reaction to the child, parents can often discover the real purpose for their youngster’s unruly behavior.
According to Dr.
Rudolph Dreikurs (author of Children the Challenge),
there are 4 reasons why children misbehave (if they're neither sick nor physically exhausted):
Many adults might
wonder why a child selects misbehavior over good behavior. That, according to Dr. Dreikurs, is the wrong question. A more
useful one is "What does the child hope to gain from their misbehavior. Why did the child do that?"
Parents should ask themselves
how they feel when their child act ups to learn the reason behind their youngster’s misbehavior.
i.e., when parents
feel annoyed when their child disobeys, the youngster is probably seeking attention.
Angry? Then power is the child’s ultimate goal.
Feeling hurt by the child’s behavior? Then the youngster’s objective is revenge.
Frustrated to the point of wanting to give up as a parent? Then the child believes they're inadequate and misbehave to confirm their feelings.
Parents can respond with more
effective discipline when they know why their child is misbehaving.
Seeking Attention
Every healthy child
demands attention. An important goal of parenting is to supply the attention that kids need to develop a healthy self-esteem.
Dr. Dreikurs believes that over 90% of misbehavior is for attention. Denying attention in such situations usually stops the misbehavior. If a parent is constantly having to cope w/attention-getting
behavior however, ignoring may not always be enough of a response. Being ignored may be the reason for the problem in the first place.
For children who
require undue attention, the temptation for most parents is to scold, nag, or coax. When parents remember that their child's
goal is to get attention (any attention), it's easy to see that scolding or nagging only encourages more misbehavior.
In a child’s mind, the attention from an angry parent is better than no attention at all. If parents only notice their child’s mistakes, the youngster will make mistakes for attention. Obviously, the best
way to direct our children to "good" behavior is to "catch them being good."
For the child seeking
attention, use the two "I’s" of discipline:
- Ignore
the behavior when possible, giving the child positive attention during pleasant times
- Isolate the child by using "timeout" when the child’s behavior is too extreme to be ignored.
Seeking Power
Children are constantly
trying to find out how powerful they are. Some youngsters believe that they only count when they're running the show.
Rather than joining
the struggle, parents should take charge by acting instead of reasoning. When a toddler balks at taking a bath, a long discussion
about the importance of cleanliness gives the youngster unreasonable power over their parents.
During power struggles, parents need to take kind, but firm, action. Talking does little good & only feeds into the power struggle. Parents must decide what they'll do, not what it'll take to make their child do it.
Another way of
avoiding power struggles is by turning the encounter into an advantage by giving the youngster limited choices. This gives the child a feeling of control:
- "Do you want eggs, waffles, or Cheerioes for breakfast?"
- "Would you like to set the table or clear it after dinner?"
This way, whichever choice
the child makes, it's the "right" answer.
They act w/self-fulfilling prophecies. They'll not try to do well at school if they think they're stupid. If they believe they're unpopular & cruel, they'll often mistreat their peers.
When children feel inadequate, parents have a difficult task: they must restore their faith in the child & encourage them by praising whatever successes they achieve. (No matter how small.)
Arrange for small accomplishments & find opportunities to compliment them on their behavior. Remember, children aren't miniature adults w/bad judgment; the make mistakes because they are always learning.
When parents understand why their children misbehave, they'll be more inclined to choose a discipline tool that will reduce the misconduct.
If a pot is boiling
over, clamping on a lid isn't the best solution. To solve that problem, reduce or eliminate the heat under the pot. In a similar
way, if parents can find & eliminate the source of a child's misbehavior - the heat under the
pot - they'll have more success in reducing any behavior problems.
When Children Have Meltdowns
When parents come to me presenting
a picture of one of their children being seriously out of control at home, I usually hear 3 key complaints:
Family life is spinning out of control because this child has become the center of the family universe. It’s as if someone is expecting the sun to revolve around the earth.
The parents’ role as
the “sun” has been lost; the core stability they provide to the family has also been lost.
Typically, the child’s
behavior is impacting every aspect of family life. Morning crises have everyone starting the day in a foul mood. There is
significant trepidation when the child returns from school.
Family outings are either
avoided or disastrous. Going out, if it works at all, seems to require allowing the troubled child to be in charge. Dinner, after-dinner
& bedtime are like walking on eggshells, trying to avoid something that'll trigger an explosion.
Often it happens anyway. Siblings
are usually feeling ignored & angry. It seems as if their good behavior serves no purpose because their brother is getting
all the attention & appears to get away w/all the things they’re not allowed to do.
Another common characteristic
is that the mother is being blamed for the problem. She's usually seen as having lost control of the situation, accused of giving into the child too much, frequently is being verbally &/or physically abused by the child & she has accepted responsibility for being “the problem” while resenting the accusation at the same time.
For the sake of clarity, I’m referring to children who have serious & frequent (at least 2-3 times/week)
tantrums in which the child has “lost it” for 30 minutes or longer, often flailing about on the floor, sometimes
destroying objects, screaming almost non-stop, sometimes running out the door & in general, incommunicado once the loss of control has begun.
The parents are angry, desperate, guilty, embarrassed, drained & scared. At times they're afraid for their child’s safety &/or the safety of other family members. They have an image of a child who is going to grow up into some type of terrible person who'll never
make it in the “real world.”
They'll admit to disliking
this child who is making a mess of their life & often have lost sight of any of his virtues. They're seeking a quick,
magical solution while they simultaneously believe nothing will work. They feel defeated – therefore, they are, at least for the moment.
A careful history is needed to understand:
- what role temperament (has he been
difficult from birth)
- medical conditions (illness, allergies,
disabilities)
- learning disabilities
- social problems
- coordination problems
- psychological problems (anxiety, depression, extreme mood shifts)
might play in the etiology of the problem. Identifying probable
causes is important not only to help develop strategies but to enable parents to see that they're not the cause of the problem.
Parents may be maintaining
or exacerbating the problem, but they're not the original cause. This is the critical first lesson that must be learned. By
eliminating the blaming process that has evolved, it sets the stage for constructing problem solving.
The focus
of this article is on the child who is functioning okay outside the home. There are no school problems or social problems
fueling the struggle. School may play a role in struggles over homework & social issues arise in conflicts about limits on play activities.
At the core we have a child
who appears unable to accept parental controls. The word “No.” is a frequent trigger for the start of a conflict as are phrases such as “It’s time to stop.” or “You can’t do that now.”
The primary issue here, as
described in Ross Greene’s book, “The Explosive Child”, is the inability of a child to be flexible. The
mental & emotional requirements for adjusting to sudden changes or disappointments are lacking, somehow not fully developed.
As we'll discuss later, the
main strategy is to help develop this delayed skills along w/re-establishing the parents’ role as disciplinarians.
The explosive behavior appears
manipulative to the parents because the child often gets his way & because it only occurs at home. This is a complex question. It's
manipulative in a very limited sense because the child does learn that tantrums often get him something he wants, or, at the very least, gives him greater control over his environment.
But it's not really manipulative. By that I mean the child doesn't really want to “lose it.” Tantrums are a loss of control that's usually a frightening experience for the child. Furthermore, the exaggerated influence that comes from the tantrums isn't really desired by the child on a
deeper level.
Children want – need – their parents to be in control of the situation because children are very aware of their need to be cared for & protected. Thus, even though the child is trying to get his way, the loss of control isn't really what he wants to do.
Strategies:
The process of turning things
around involves helping parents:
- to stop blaming each other & themselves
- to create a more predictable environment for the child which
includes re-establishing their role as authoritative parents
- learn what accommodations are needed to reflect the child’s
weaknesses
- what actions will promote the child’s growth in flexibility
- to address the frustrations of the other children
Yes, this does sound like
a lot of work, which it is. But there are a few core principles here that help to tie it all together.
Typically the parents have
intuitively tried some very appropriate strategies but have given up too quickly because they didn’t see change right
away.
The first point, aside from
helping parents to stop blaming themselves/each other, is to establish a belief that this problem can be solved but it will take persistence on their part. Often my two biggest roles are to keep parents
focused on the game plan long enough for it to take effect & to be able to help them refocus on the child’s strengths.
The global strategy is to
create an environment that is more structured, makes fewer demands on the child (which means
prioritizing what's really important to be asking of the child), establishing consequences to reinforce desired
behavior & not reinforce undesirable behavior & help the child to improve his skills at becoming more flexible.
The issue of prioritizing
is particularly critical. Too often there are struggles about cleaning rooms, finishing meals, practicing piano or completing
homework that are simply not worth the consequences.
Some of those issues can be
addressed when things are improved. Also, if some situations are just too difficult to manage right now, e.g., taking the
child on a family activity, then arrange a sitter or a drop off at a friend’s & avoid ruining everyone’s experience.
Explain to the child that
you're working w/him to fix the problem & eventually he’ll be able to come along. Again, this is about setting priorities
& either targeting behaviors that can result in initial success or behaviors where safety / health is a concern.
One aspect of this process
is referred to as behavior management. It means a more organized approach to targeting certain behaviors to be recorded &
reinforced in order to increase/decrease their frequency.
Please refer to my two earlier
articles on charting & rewarding behaviors in children for more details on how best to do this. A key issue is that most
parents can't maintain complex charts or do formal reinforcement programs for extended periods of time.
So this aspect of the approach
needs to be short-term & used primarily to get a key behavior or two changed in order for the child & the parents
to experience some early success. Thus, it could be earning 5 minutes of video game time for each time the child is cooperative (always
a good idea to identify & reward cooperativeness because there is usually more of it happening than is realized)
or earning a story/game w/a parent in the evening for being ready for bed on time.
But it's the broader approach
that's the key here. Let’s try some examples. After dinner talk to the child about his plans. Is there a TV show he wants to watch? Will he be doing homework? Review expectations about bedtime and map out a schedule that may help to manage those expectations.
But something is still likely
to go awry.
Parent: Jon, it’s time to turn off the video game and
get ready for bed.
Jon: But Mom, I can’t stop now. I have to finish this.
Here is a potential trigger
for a conflict and blow-up. So try to be flexible without giving away your role as parent.
Mom: How much time do you need?
Jon: I don’t know. I’m having my best game ever!
Mom: Jon, I know you can save it if you have to but what I'm
going to do is give you 15 more minutes. Here, I’m setting the timer so you know how much time is left. If you are able
to stop then and be cooperative, you can use the video game tomorrow.
But if you're not able to stop when I return, it'll be put away
for 24 hours.
The mother is doing a few
things here that are helpful. She’s not being rigid, yet she is setting parameters that creates structure that may help the child plan for this
transition.
These children need training in how to make these transitions and this approach helps. Yet the mother is also being clear that there will be
a negative consequence if the child is unable to be cooperative.
My conversations with these
children underscores their strong belief that parents will not follow through on consequences. It's critical for parents to be persistent and consistent about this.
That helps these children
to experience the sense that their parents are really in charge and it provides some of the assistance they need in focusing on getting better at being able to adjust to expectations.
It works best if the consequences
are directly related to the specific situation and are short-term. One major reason for failure to follow through is threatening consequences that are too severe or too long.
Another aspect of consequences
is for a mistreated parent to still provide services to the child that should be earned rather than treated as inalienable
rights.
Mom: Jon, it’s time to come in. You have to get ready
for your soccer game.
Jon: I hate you. You’re always spoiling my fun. You’re the worst mom in the world. (This turns into a 15-minute
struggle w/increasingly nasty language on Jon’s part.)
Mom: I've told you that if you're angry you have to find an acceptable way to express it. This wasn't acceptable.
Being so mean to me means I’m not going to do something nice for you anyway, so forget about being driven to your soccer game.
I’ll call your coach and tell him you won’t be there.
Jon may now throw a tantrum
about not being able to go to his game, but if Mom and Dad are consistent about these kinds of consequences for parental abuse Jon will gradually decide it isn't worth it.
Helping Jon to learn about
transitions requires preparation and training. A piece of that was in the earlier example of setting a timer and being clear
on consequences. Another example would be an approach to the previous situation.
Jon: Can I go out and play until my soccer game?
Mom: I would like to say yes but sometimes you get angry when it's time to stop playing. Is there anything that would help you to not do that?
Jon: Not sure. Maybe if you give me a couple of warnings, you
know, like 10 minutes left, 5 minutes left.
Mom: Okay, let’s try that.
The old reverse psychology
piece actually can be helpful, i.e., to predict that Jon is likely to have a blow-up. Partly it takes a way some of his sense that he's doing the unexpected.
More importantly, repeatedly engaging in this type of discussion helps Jon to strengthen his ability to adjust to transitions.
When parents begin to reassert
their roles as being in charge and working with the child to improve his ability to be more flexible, the child will likely
respond initially by getting worse.
Even though he doesn’t
really want the old system to remain in place, it's his natural instinct to try to hold on to what he knows rather that commit
to uncharted waters. Parents must believe in what they're doing and remain persistent, which is hard after having developed a sense of failure about trying to manage this problem.
But, if you can, it will pay
off with positive results.
Handling Criticism
Why can't I
just ignore it?
Everyone's
a critic: our spouse, our boss and co-workers, our friends and acquaintances, our parents and even our children,
all find fault with us at times.
The criticism is sometimes
a comment and sometimes only a look, a sigh, or even silence. But we have no doubt that we've been found lacking once again.
We can respond with defense or offense. We can pretend indifference.
We can conjure up justifications for ourselves, explaining why we had to do what we did, or why it was reasonable to say what we did.
We can collect our outrage
and self-righteousness and condemn the critic - in our hearts or out
loud.
We can even accumulate accomplishments to use as armor against our critics.
We can charm, or we can intimidate. The message is the same: don't judge me. Love me or fear me, but don't judge me.
None of it seems to help much.
Why can't we just
ignore the criticism?
Because the critic might be
right. We don't know for sure. We don't know how good we're
supposed to be.
We know we're not perfect,
but no one is, so that's no help. How good is good enough?
Relationships get us in the
most trouble. We often seem to get them wrong: we do the wrong thing, say the wrong thing and fail to notice the things that we're supposed to notice.
We're never going to get it
completely right with anyone. And they're never going to get it completely right with us.
We all know that, but criticism
still upsets us. Why?
Because we're afraid that people will value us less.
We want to be valued for who we are. In criticism we hear, "I value you less." Or even, "I don't value you at all."
We hear, "I'd value you more if you hadn't done or said that."
We hear, "I'd value you more if you weren't you, if you were a little different."
Who will value me as I am?
Who will still value me when I mess up? Who will care about me even then?
Who will think I matter all of the time? Who will never put me down?
Who can care about me like that? God can and he does, right now. He always has.
God does; God always has; God always will - value you like that. You're incredibly important to God. He made you individually, deliberately and He made you to be like Himself, a treasured child.
God already loves you despite all of the mistakes you've made in your life and all the ones he knows you're going to make in the future.
God doesn't love us less when we do something wrong.
It may make him sad, but it won't make him love us less.
It may even make him angry — if we purposefully defy him — but even that won't make him love us less.
He made us to love us. That's the whole point. (That's hard for us to grasp.)
How does God loving me help me deal with people criticizing me?
When we feel deeply loved, criticism loses some of its bite.
When we know that God values us, that we're individually important to him, criticisms can be borne more lightly.
You can see a hint of this
in especially loving families.
The children have a confidence that makes them less sensitive to criticism and less critical of others.
When we know that we're deeply
loved, when we know that the love isn't diminished by our mistakes, then we can be at peace with ourselves and with others.
We can learn from our mistakes
rather than having to defend them. We can forgive others their mistakes rather than having to be critical ourselves.
God isn't a critic.
If He can love us - and He does - then we can live with the lesser critics and maybe even be less critical ourselves.
Parental
influence
While some parents consider it “safer” to supervise and let their child host a party where drugs and alcohol are available, many fail to realize the dangerous reality of even supervised drugs or alcohol use.
Even though many parents are responsible enough take away the users’ car keys so that they can't drive, which is an effort to protect the public and may prevent serious disaster, the real responsible thing would be to not allow the party to take place.
Taking away car keys may very well isolate the user from leaving the scene and causing harm to others, but what about the actual drugs and alcohol use itself?
Why not place the same amount of value on the life of the teen that is using? “Parents think ‘We’re here supervising to make sure nothing goes wrong.’ Sometimes
they’ll take the car keys away so the kids don’t drive. Unfortunately,
they’re not thinking about other behaviors that go with alcohol - fighting, yelling, sexual things”
(Benson, 2001).
The fact is no drug use is ever safe whether it's supervised or unsupervised. Supervising parents also fail to recognize that alcohol is a serious drug and through prolonged use it can cause permanent damage ranging from serious alcoholism to detrimental effects on overall health, not to mention the immediate dangers of alcohol poisoning and irrational behavior. No amount of “safe” partying is immune to these serious dangers.
When
allowing their children to host these parties, parents may not fully realize the lesson they're teaching. “It plants a seed that even if Mom and Dad aren’t home it’s okay to drink at home.” (Benson, 001).
At first a child may look up to their parent in admiration; as a teenager struggling for acceptance and popularity, there are few things cooler than hosting the biggest blowout of the year.
Let alone bragging that you have “cool” enough parents to let you have the party and maybe even provide
the alcohol.
But later in life, the child, now grown up, could suffer the long-term affects
of their earlier alcohol abuse leading to possible alcoholism and other alcohol or drug related illnesses. Then how thankful will the child
be of their parent’s efforts to help them have a good time and fit in years earlier.
If the child doesn't suffer from any alcohol or drug related side effects, imagine the disappointment of realizing that a parent ignored the safety of their own child in an effort to win them popularity.
Just the opposite parental reaction to drugs can also have harmful affects. Many
parents don’t want to imagine that their son or daughter would ever experiment with drugs, so they avoid the topic all
together.
They must not have heard the old saying that just because you can't see it,
doesn’t mean it isn’t there. Ignoring
these important issues may send a message to the child that drug and alcohol use is acceptable. These parents who are trying to avoid the subject should directly confront it for their child’s own protection and well -being.
Just one conversation could save the life of their child or one of their child’s
friends. Not only will this discussion teach the child about the dangers of drugs and alcohol, but it may also give them the power and confidence to stand up for themselves to refuse drugs or alcohol in a peer pressure situation. Knowledge is power.
Time is also an issue, parents have careers and
busy lives; they can’t always be there to supervise their children. In an
interview with Daily News, Cary Quashen admitted, “Most often, Mom isn’t waiting at home after school with milk
and cookies like 30 years ago. Instead, 75% of teens say they spend the most time
with friends, who they consider the closest people in their lives.” (Sweeney, 2002).
When they're available, parents need to keep an open line of communication so that their children will feel comfortable coming to them with questions.
“Another relevant factor might be the influence of parents who, as members of the baby boom generation,
belonged to cohorts heavily involved in marijuana use in their own youth. Because
of their cultural and historical experiences in adolescence, these parents may be more likely to have children who use marijuana
themselves.” (Samhsa, 2001).
Why is this? There are a few possible
explanations. In an online interview, Dr. Rosenthal said “…today’s
parents, so many of whom used drugs themselves in their teenage and college years are having a lot of trouble in being real
clear with their kids that they don’t want them to use drugs.
They’re fuzzy. They’re
not delivering a strong message and the kids pick this up.” A second explanation
was given by Neil Swan in his article saying that, “Parents who drink or use drugs or both may be the most strict with
their children, telling them, ‘Do as I say, not as I do’, according to Dr. Brook’s Study.
These admonitions might be effective in middle adolescence, when children are
more likely to be influenced by parental demands, but not in later adolescence, when the family has less control and the parents’ own display of negative behaviors becomes a drug-use risk factor.” (Swan, 1995).
If a child sees their parent doing something they know is wrong, they will begin
to perceive this behavior (drug or alcohol use) as acceptable and may begin to experiment with it themselves. There are many other causes for
teens to use drugs or alcohol, but as long as parents are aware of their own actions, the number of potential causes can be lowered.
In
order to protect the future of their children, parents need to realize the extremely important role they play in their child’s choice of whether or not to use drugs or alcohol. Parents must make an effort, not only to educate, but also to maintain a good
example for their children to live by. They must take an active interest in their
child’s life, not only for drug awareness, but also for love and guidance during life’s little trials.
Listen to Your Child
Dr. Gerald Deskin, Ph.D.
A common complaint that parents have is that their child doesn't listen to them. The reverse is often true as well. Children
grow up w/ many problems, but their parents often don’t listen to them.
If the problem is a physical one parents are more likely to listen to the problem, but not always. There are other important problems that children will talk to their parents about that may not get listened to.
Learning problems are often ignored. Parents tend to downplay learning problems and say to the child, “If you work
harder you'll understand it better,” or “Study harder” or some equivalent.
About 15% of children have learning problems, some simple
and some complex. Research has shown that many children who don't receive help
with their problems tend to fall further behind. What's a simple problem may
over time become a major problem where a child is no longer able to keep up with the class.
Yet the problem initially is simple to resolve. If your child, as an example, is behind in arithmetic, it may be easily resolved with a little help but
after the child is 6 months or more behind the problem becomes much more serious.
Arithmetic is one of the academic subjects that are built
in a step-by-step manner where the child has to resolve the basic steps before moving onto the following steps. It's important to listen to your child and get suitable help when your child is asking for help.
If you're one of those rare parents who can comfortably help your child solve the problem then do it. If you can't, then seek suitable
professional help.
Parents who feel that a child’s problems are simply less important than their own also often ignore emotional problems. A good example of this is an
adolescents falling in love. Parents smile and downplay the intensity of feeling,
yet more adolescents attempt suicide than at any other age.
We used to think that depression is an adult disease. We've found children as young as 4 with a major depression. Parents need to listen to their children when they confide in parents what's bothering them. Again
sometimes parents can help their child with emotional conflicts.
If they're apprehensive to, then professional help of a good child counselor or child psychologist may help resolve the problem.
We tend to use the term “Child’s play” to mean something simple
or easy, or of little importance. Yet to your child everything they do is important to them. The parent who downplays their child’s needs and feelings is making a major mistake that may lead to unfortunate consequences.
We live in a society where time and timing is of major importance. Children are supposed to complete certain tasks on time. If a child falls behind in school, the class moves on and the child is left behind.
This academic weakness engenders a feeling of failure that colors the way a child looks at education and school. The child who learns
to give up easily because school is too difficult builds a way of dealing with life that isn't beneficial.
Expecting to fail or to be second rate isn't what you want your child to feel. If you listen more closely to what your child says and make sure the appropriate help is available, it's possible to avoid this downward spiral.
Suggestion for parents:
Parents need to learn to listen to what their child is saying and pay attention to their needs. Whether the problem is educational or emotional each parents needs to decide whether they can help resolve the problem or the child is in need of professional help.
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very important additional resources on the web....
11/18/05
By Helen Fields
All drugs carry the risk of side effects
- some so serious that they're flagged for doctors in so-called black-box warnings required by the Food & Drug Administration.
But a study just published in the journal Pharmacoepidemiology & Drug Safety found that doctors don't always heed
the drug makers' guidance.
feeling ignored can start this early in life...
10 Reasons to Respond to a Crying Child
By Jan Hunt, M.Sc.
1. A baby's first
attempts to communicate can't be in words, but can only be nonverbal. She can't put happy feelings into words, but she can smile.
She can't put
sad or angry feelings into words, but she can cry. If her smiles receive a response, but crying is ignored, she
can receive the harmful message that she's loved & cared for only when she's happy.
Children who continue
to get this message thru the years can't feel truly loved & accepted.
2. If a child's
attempts to communicate sadness or anger are routinely ignored, he can't learn how to express those feelings in words.
Crying must receive
an appropriate & positive response so that the child sees that all of his feelings are accepted. If his feelings aren't accepted & crying is ignored or punished, he receives the message that sadness & anger are unacceptable, no matter how they're expressed.
It's impossible
for a child to understand that expression of sadness or anger might be accepted in appropriate words once he is older & able to use those words.
A child can only
communicate in ways available to him at a given time; a child can only accomplish what he has had a chance to learn. Every child is doing his best, according to his age, experience & present circumstances.
It's surely unfair to punish a child for not doing more than he can do.
3. A child who
has been given the message that her parents will only respond to her when she is "good" will begin
to hide "bad" behavior & "bad" feelings from others & even from herself.
She may become
an adult who submerges "bad" emotions & is unable to communicate the full range of human feelings. Indeed, there are many adults who find it difficult to express anger, sadness, or other "bad" feelings in an appropriate way.
4. Anger that can't be expressed in early childhood doesn't simply disappear. It becomes repressed &
builds up over the years, until the child is unable to contain it any longer & is old enough to have lost his fear of physical punishment.
When this container
of anger is finally thrown open, the parents can be shocked & perplexed. They've forgotten the hundreds or thousands of moments of frustration which have been filling this container over the years.
The psychological
principle that "frustration leads to aggression" is never more clearly seen than in the final rebellion of a teenager. Parents should be helped
to understand how frustrating it can be for a child to feel "invisible" when crying is ignored or to feel helpless & discouraged when his attempts to express his needs & feelings are ignored or punished.
5.
We're all born knowing that each & every feeling we have is legitimate. We gradually lose that belief if only our "good" side brings a positive response.
This is a tragedy,
because it's only when we fully accept ourselves & others, regardless of mistakes, that we can have truly loving relationships. If we're not fully loved & accepted in childhood, we may never learn how that feels or how to communicate that acceptance to others, no matter how much therapy or reading or thinking we may do.
How much easier
our lives would be if we'd simply received unconditional love throughout our early years!
6. Parents wondering
whether to respond to crying might give some thought to their own responses in similar situations. Parents may consider it appropriate to ignore
a child's cries, yet feel intensely angry if their partner ignores attempts to have a conversation. Many in our society seem to believe that a person must be a certain age before he has the right to be heard.
Yet what age would
that be? Infants & children aren't any less a person just because they're small & helpless. If anything, the more helpless someone is, the more they deserve to have our compassion, attention & assistance.
7. If children
are taught by example that helpless persons deserve to be ignored, they can lose the compassion for others that all humans are born with.
If, as helpless infants, their cries are ignored, they begin to believe that this is the appropriate response to those who are weaker than themselves & that "might makes right".
Without compassion, the stage is set for later violence. Those who wonder why a violent criminal had no compassion for his victims need to consider where he lost that compassion.
Compassion doesn't disappear overnight. It's stolen thru unresponsive or punitive parenting, drop by drop, until it's gone. Loss of
compassion is the greatest tragedy that can befall a child.
8. When a child
learns by her parents' example that it is appropriate to ignore a child's cries, she will
naturally treat her own child the same way, unless there is some intervention from others.
Inadequate parenting continues thru the generations until fortunate circumstances come about to change this pattern. How much easier it is for a parent to have learned in childhood how to treat
his or her own child!
Perhaps the cycle
of inadequate parenting can begin to change when bystanders no longer walk past an anguished child w/out stopping to help. This may be
the first time the child has been given the message that her feelings are legitimate & important & this critical message may be remembered later when she herself has a child.
9. Crying is a
signal provided by nature that is meant to disturb the parents so that the child's needs will be met. Ignoring a child's cries is like ignoring
the warning signal of a smoke detector because we find it disturbing.
This signal is
meant to disturb us so that we can attend to an important matter. Only a deaf person would ignore a smoke detector, yet many parents turn a deaf
ear to a child's cries.
Crying, like the
detector signal, is meant to capture our attention so that we can attend to the important needs of the child. It just makes no sense to think that nature would have provided all children w/a routinely used signal that serves no good purpose.
10. Parents who
respond only to "good" behavior may believe they're training the child to behave "better." Yet they themselves feel most like cooperating w/those who treat them w/kindness.
It's as though
children are seen as a different species, operating on different principles of behavior. This makes no sense, because it would
be impossible to identify a moment when the child suddenly changes to "adult" operating principles.
The truth is much simpler: children are human beings who behave on the same principles as all other human beings. Like the rest of
us, they respond best to kindness, patience & understanding.
Parents wondering
why a child is "misbehaving" might stop & ask themselves this question:
"Do I feel like cooperating when someone
treats me well, or when someone treats me the way I have just treated my child?"
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teen advice column
"Middle Child Ignored?"
I'm the middle child in a
family of 4. I don't feel appreciated, like a 3rd wheel. I'm starting to hate my siblings. i'm sick of hearing how pretty my older sister is. And it makes me mad that
my younger sister has to be miss popular all the time & on top of that she has to do everything i do.
My older brother is annoying too i wish he'd just act his age. He's still living at home acting like he's 12 & he's twice that age & my parents
treat him like a baby 'cause he's the oldest.
This probably sounds dumb
but it's all starting to get to me. No matter what i do i still can't stop being jealous of them & the attention they get. I feel like i'm ignored by everyone even out side
of the family, even if it's not on purpose.
Please help. I don't want
to hate my sisters & brother.
female, 16 yrs
USA
Answers
Hi there, Believe it or not, what you're feeling is very common among "middle children".
Somehow, middle children always
seems to be considered the ones that don't need the attention since the younger children need help all the time & the older siblings are stressed out because they're growing up, entering a "new world" & worried about how everything is going to turn out.
Parents don't do this on purpose
though. It's hard work to be a mom & dad & sometimes they lose track of things as well. I'm sure that they'd be very
upset w/themselves if they knew how you were feeling.
You should talk to your mom
& dad. Tell them exactly how you feel. You're not doing anything wrong...you're simply expressing
your feelings & everyone should be able to do that.
I'm sure that if you speak
out, things will be better. It's not healthy to have such animosity towards your family. Families are there to love you & help you out. Talk to them. I'm sure that things will be ok.
Hang in there, sweetie. Krista:-)
Hi there :) Being the middle
child, or one of the middle children can be tough. There's always the older sibling who parents seem to stick by because they
were their first & there's always the baby who seems to be loved because they're "the baby."
But those are just labels
that you & other people are putting on them. Believe it or not, I'm sure your older sibling doesn't like to be the older
child. I bet there's a lot of stress on him to set a good example for you & the rest of your siblings & I bet your younger sibling hates being labeled the "baby."
Just like you hate being labeled "the middle child". Also, don't label your siblings as miss popular, or childish... you know how much it hurts when people say things like that to you, right?
Everyone wants to be treated
as a person. If you want them to respect you & notice you, then you have to stop notice them for who they're not, not how they "act."
Maybe you wish you were popular,
or maybe you wish you can be fussed over like your other sibling, if that's the case, instead of ridiculing how they act,
why don't you stand back & see how they act & maybe you can pick up on some things?
Secondly, maybe the reason
you resent them so much is because you ARE a unique person & you don't understand how your one sibling can be so "popular" & follow the crowd & your older sibling is such a baby at times.
If that's the case, you probably
have more confidence in yourself than you think & instead of hating how they act, why don't you feel proud of yourself for not feeling as if you have to act the way they do?
On the other hand, if you
truly do want attention, you're going to have to be strong & stop labeling them & make the attempt to start relationships
w/them & also w/your parents. I hope that helps :)
~Warm Smiles~ Julie
Well I think you should try talking your parents about it & ask them if you can spend some one-on-one time w/them. Let them know how
you feel, as well as your siblings & your friends.
Like you said, sometimes people
ignore others w/out fully realizing it, so it's not like they mean to, it happens though.
Sometimes you just have to let them know.
Try spending some one-on-one
time w/your siblings as well. It can help to enjoy time w/them & they can do the same because you dont' always have the
same experience when its the whole family together. I hope that helps, good luck!
-Sylvia
Emotional Health
Published: July 19, 2003
Dear TeenHealthFX,
I'm 15 & I've been cutting
for almost 6 months, I did it a few times at first for a few stupid reasons partially because I
was feeling ignored.
At first it was hard to do
it & I'd feel really guilty about it. Now I do it a few times a week w/out any reason at all. I never cut my arms or wrists because people would see
it. I only cut my ankles & feet, so its not like I could slip & kill myself or anything.
It says in some of the other
responses that you need to get to the root of why you cut & solve that first, but I don’t really have a reason, I used to have reasons
but I don’t anymore, now I just do it when I'm annoyed or feeling out of it, or even just when I'm bored, I’ll sit there & cut my foot w/a piece of broken mirror absent mindedly, just sort of feeling the pain for the
hell of it.
I don’t know why I do
it, but I do still feel guilty about it sometimes, I do want to stop & I hate not being able to run around w/out shoes on for fear of someone seeing it.
I CAN'T tell my parents, I really really can't, there’s
just no way. But I want to stop... do you know any Internet groups on this sort of thing or something that could help? Because
I think I need help, but I can’t tell anyone I know.
Signed: I Need Help, But Can't Tell Anyone
Dear I Need Help, But Can't Tell Anyone,
TeenHealthFX
is glad that you recognize that you need to stop this behavior – whatever the underlying reason is. It's true that often a behavior that starts for one reason
is continued for other reasons.
Therapy
w/a mental health professional can help you understand why you're continuing cutting behavior even you want to stop & it leaves you feeling guilty.
You
don’t say why you can’t tell your parents – to get professional help you'll have to inform them. Most
parents have their children’s best interests at heart – they want their children to be healthy & happy.
You
can show them your question & our answer to start a conversation w/them & let them know you want help. You can
also talk to another trusted adult & let them approach your parents for you.
An online resource for cutting is Self Abuse Finally Ends (S.A.F.E.) To find mental health resources in your area, log onto US Dept. of
Health & Human Services Substance Abuse & Mental Health Administration’s (SAMSHA)
website for resources in your area.
If you live in northern New Jersey, you can call Atlantic Behavioral
Health’s ACCESS Center at 800.247.1400.
Signed: TeenHealthFX
Dads feel ignored
New fathers feel ignored,
ill-informed & unsupported by doctors, midwives & health visitors, according to a new survey.
The largest-ever survey of
dads found that 1/3 felt they'd been ignored by health workers & one in 10 said midwives
& doctors had even avoided eye contact.
The men surveyed for the National
Childbirth Trust & Fathers Direct, an information service for new dads, have been labelled "Blair Fathers" as their children
are the same age as the Prime Minister's three-month-old son.
The two charities have called
for fathers-to-be to be given time off for antenatal appointments, the opportunity to stay overnight in hospital after the
birth & two weeks of statutory paid paternity leave.
The three-year study of more
than 800 fathers found that 1 in 3 wished they'd been more involved in their partner's pregnancy.
1/3 of men said they had only
attended one antenatal appointment - mainly because the timing was inconvenient or their employers had refused to allow them
the time off work.
And 10% said they weren't
sure they would be welcome at check-ups or whether it would be useful for them to attend.
More than half had no paid
paternity leave after the birth & 2/5 wanted more information about the care of mother & child.
Many said they knew little
about how Caesarean births are carried out or the effect on their partner, how to tell whether their baby is sick or about
post-natal depression.
While 96% of fathers had been
present at the birth of their child, many had little contact w/health visitors & other baby care services.
Separation anxiety is something that almost all children experience at one time or another. Stated simply, separation anxiety is the distress that children feel when they're separated from a primary caregiver, in most cases the mother.
Separation anxiety usually becomes evident in children beginning when they're around 6 months of age. This is because by 6 months of age most
infants have developed a very strong attachment to their primary caregivers & this strong attachment leads to feeling of great distress when the primary caregiver & the child must be separated.
Separation anxiety can continue off & on, though usually in milder forms, throughout childhood. It can be quite intense during infancy,
w/this intensity gradually decreasing as children get older & become more & more accustomed to being separated from
their primary caregivers.
It's normal for children to feel some sort
of distress or upset when separated from parents, especially separations for long periods of time.
Separation anxiety can take many forms; many young infants will protest when their mothers simply leave the room for a minute or two ‑
they have difficulty w/even the shortest of separations. Older children may be just fine playing by themselves, but then experience
difficulty, for example, when their parents go out for an evening, leaving them at home w/a sitter.
At first, separations are often very difficult
for both children & their primary caregivers, but as parents & their children become accustomed to being apart, the
process usually becomes easier.
Since it's impossible for parents to spend
every waking moment w/their children, separations are inevitable. While separations are often difficult for both parents &
their children, children who are raised in families in which both parents work outside of the home tend to have less difficulty
w/separations because they begin experiencing them at a very young age. Therefore, children who are older when they face their
first separations from their primary caregivers often have a more difficult time making the adjustment.
While it's true that separations are an
unavoidable part of children's lives & many children will feel distress when they occur, there are many things that parents can do to ease the turmoil that their children experience.
- Don't go out of your way to avoid separations.
It's part of life for children to learn
to accept & deal w/separation from their primary caregivers. Therefore, it's not a good idea for parents to try to avoid the pain of separation & stay w/their children at all times. Instead, parents should go about their normal lives &
separate when necessary, but at the same time they should make sure their children have consistent, quality care when they're
not there.
- Introduce new caretakers (e.g., babysitters)
gradually.
It's a good idea to allow your children
to get to know their caretakers before being left alone w/them. Parents should invite new caretakers over to play w/their babies while they're still present ‑ at first until
the two get used to each other.
Of course, parents should carefully screen anyone they plan to hire to care for their children. When parents introduce their children to a childcare center, they should visit the center w/their children
& perhaps stay & play a few times before their children are left there.
Whatever arrangements parents make
for their children's care, consistency is an important element. i.e., instead of hiring a different babysitter every time they go out, parents should try to enlist the services
of perhaps one or two sitters, so their children have the opportunity to get used to & develop friendships w/the people
who are hired to care for them.
- Provide transitional objects.
Transitional objects
are things that children often use to cope w/ separation. Such objects, for example a teddy bear, a doll, or a favorite blanket,
provide comfort to children when they're separated from their primary caregivers.
They can even be considered
"a little piece" of their primary caretakers that they can have w/them at all times (e.g., a parent's
article of clothing or other possession).
Many children become attached to such objects, especially at times of separation, for example bedtime. Transitional objects can be quite a comfort to children experiencing some form of separation.
The upset that children
feel when they must be separated from their parents is real. Therefore, this distress shouldn't be shrugged off or ignored by parents.
Ignoring this distress can provoke more anxiety & will probably increase clinginess & distress. Instead, parents should, w/out making too big a deal out of it, address the upset.
Certain separations are unavoidable, e.g., when
a mother must go to work & leave her child w/a sitter. However, while at home, parents can try to accommodate a child
who protests at being left alone by taking their child w/him/her when they must leave the room that their child is in.
Parents can use baby backpack carriers or side
carriers to keep their infants w/them when they must, e.g., get things done around the house.
- Encourage your child to do things for himself/herself.
Parents should begin
teaching their children responsibility & independence while they're young.
Of course, parents should be careful to give their children only responsibilities that they're developmentally capable of undertaking.
Children who are able to do some things for themselves
are likely to see themselves as self sufficient & as a result will be less dependent upon their parents & less clingy.
- Prepare children for your departures in advance.
When parents must leave
their children, they should prepare them for this event beforehand so that they have time to get used to the idea.
i.e., parents can mention to their children a couple
of days in advance "Daddy & I will be going out on Friday night & Janie will be coming over to stay w/you."
Parents should repeat this information periodically
until they're sure that their children understand.
- Let your child know when you leave.
Parents should never
try to sneak out when they must leave their children.
This can break down trust & increase clinginess. Children who are left in this way will be less apt to become absorbed in activities in the future
because they'll never know when they'll look up to find their parents gone.
Instead, parents should always let their children
know when they're about to leave.
A key phrase is something
that a parent can say that will let their children know that they're getting ready to leave, such as "Good bye. I'll see you
soon."
Parents should use the same key phrase every time
they leave so that this phrase will come to prepare their children for their leave‑taking.
- Let your child know when you plan to return
Parents should make
sure that their children know when they'll return. If children are too young to tell time, parents can mention time markers,
for example, "I'll be back after your nap," or "I'll be back after Sesame Street is over."
Parents should then make every effort to stick
to the time frame they've given their children. If parents can't be sure of what time they'll return, they should tell their
children this.
It's important that parents not make promises that they can't keep. If there's a possibility that parents won't return when they say, it's
best not to make the promise.
Many children need reassurance from their parents before
& after separations. Parents should provide lots of love & affection thru both words & gestures (hugs, kisses) to their children.
Many children, when they must be separated from their parents, may erroneously believe that they're being left in someone else's care because they're bad, or because their parents just don't want to be with them. Parents
should make sure that their children know that they're not being left w/a sitter or in a daycare because of anything they
did or said.
Parents should reassure their children that they love them & that they'll return. When parents do return after a separation, they
should try to set aside some special time to spend with their children.
Parents should try to help their children
get used to separations at an early age. i.e., parents can try leaving the room
for a couple of seconds at a time & then reappearing. This will help young
children learn that you'll indeed return after you go away.
Older children, who don't need to be constantly monitored for their own safety, can be left alone for a couple of minutes at a time. As children get used to being separated from
their parents for short periods their protests should decrease.
Many children can be distracted from
their distress by a favorite toy or activity. Before leaving, parents can let their baby‑sitter
know what their children's favorite games & toys are.
Then, when the parents leave, the baby‑sitter
can try to engage the child with his/her favorite toy or w/a favorite game. Distraction shouldn't be used to the point that the child isn't aware that his/her parents are leaving. Parents should avoid "sneaking out."
Playing peek‑a‑boo is an excellent way to practice separation in a fun, enjoyable
way. Small children enjoy this game precisely because
it allows them to have control over the separation.
Parents should avoid punishing or teasing their children for expressing their natural, normal distress. Parents should avoid labeling their children as "sissies," "babies," etc. Nor should parents punish
their children for expressing their distress.
This may result in children feeling that they can't come to their parents when they're upset, which can get in the way of the development of a trusting, loving relationship.
Parents should always remember that the
distress children feel when they're separated from their parents is a normal part of development. Instead of punishing or teasing,
parents should make an effort to be dependable & to show their children that they'll return when they say they're going to.
- Handle leaving matter‑of‑factly.
When parents must leave their children,
they should simply say their goodbyes & leave without turning back. Parents
should avoid turning their goodbyes into long, drawn out emotional times.
Parents should simply say goodbye &
leave. If parents make a big deal about going away, their children will likely see
it as a big deal, too & get unduly upset.
Ctr. for Effective Parenting Little Rock Center: (501) 320-7580 NW Arkansas Ctr:
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