Dear “Janice,” Your frustration, resentment & disappointment are understandable & you're not alone. Sounds like your relationship w/your husband has changed significantly since you two decided to get married & that your dissatisfaction is growing intolerable.

I’d like to offer you some antidotes to your misery that you can begin to apply right away & see if the results you get are different than what you're experiencing now.

1. Are you familiar w/the idea that “what you resist will persist”? If you're spending the majority of your time & energy focused on what’s wrong in your relationship & what you're unhappy about, chances are you’re going to

(a) see a whole lot more of what you DON’T want

(b) continue to get the results you're hoping to avoid.

The antidote here is to simply start focusing on what is RIGHT about your relationship. This may be difficult to do at first, since you're so discouraged.

Something as simple as, “He comes home every night & sleeps in our bed.” Or “He always makes sure the car is filled w/gas.” . . . See if you can start to notice all the ways he shows his commitment, his love & his dedication to you & to his whole family.

2. Develop an “attitude of gratitude”. Complaining & Criticizing are habits that we learn as children & they tend to NOT get us what we want. When we complain & criticize, we're pointing out to the person all that they're doing wrong & how they're failing as a partner, a provider, a husband.

This doesn't typically inspire him to be who you want him to be. In fact, he'll begin to feel so discouraged & believe that no matter what he does it won’t be good enough, that he’ll just stop trying.

Why bother when all that happens is that he gets told “too little, not enough, could have been better . . .” You get the picture. The antidote to complaining & criticizing is to start being appreciative & openly acknowledge all the ways he is showing up & is good enough.

You’ll be amazed at the results. It’s taking the noticing a step further & acknowledging w/gratitude all that you notice – from the heart. The more you do this, the more you’ll find things to be grateful for – it can be quite magical!

And, you can get very creative in how you express your gratitude. One wife started placing little post-it notes of gratitude around the house, so he’d find them as he shaved, as he got his keys, as he opened his brief case.

Another wife left a voice mail message expressing her gratitude to him at his work. You know the ways he most easily takes in recognition – is it thru what he hears, sees, or what’s done w/him?

3. See how you might be contributing to the problems. In what ways are you behaving that might be keeping him at a distance from you? Are you pouting? Are you withdrawn? Are you ungrateful or unreceptive to his advances? Are you jealous?

Take stock & notice what patterns you may have that get in the way of you receiving his love & attention. The best antidote to not getting what you want is to start giving what you want to the person you want it from AND to yourself!

Stop waiting for him to show up & see how you can start showing up in a different way. And START giving to yourself what you are wanting. Sounds like you're using the dog to get some of your affection needs met – but at the exclusion of your husband. Is there a way to include him as well? Is there a way to offer him that level of affection too?

One pattern that might be in play between the two of you is something called “Passing the Experience”. Just as you see him giving all of his attention & affection to his daughter, that’s what you may be doing with the dog.

Each of you is getting your needs met with someone/something else, instead of reaching out to each other. And chances are there’s so much hurt, disappointment & frustration between the two of you that reaching out may be a bit too scary or challenging to do on your own!

I’m also curious about the age of his daughter & what life was like for you when you were her age. If you take some time to go back there in your mind, you may get some insights into why you're particularly triggered by his devotion to her.

I hope this helps!