  
Inhibited About Appearance
Q. My wife is extremely
private about her body. Even though we've been married for several years, she still won't change clothes in front of me. What
can I do to help her feel more relaxed about her body?
A. There are several things you can do to help your
wife feel better about her body.
1st, plan a time to talk with your wife about her feelings regarding her body & her reluctance to share herself with you.
This discussion should take place apart from a time of sexual involvement or nudity.
Let your wife know your reason for bringing up the subject isn't to pressure her to change, but to help you understand her & to meet her needs better.
It's important that she not feel judged for her modesty; she needs to experience your genuine care for her & your acceptance of her feelings.
Sometimes when a woman is hesitant to share her body, the
husband himself is the problem. A wife may discover early in her marriage that exposing her body will inevitably lead
to intercourse.
If you responded to your wife this way, she may have felt like a sexual object, rather
than feeling valued as a person. For her to feel safe enough to share her body with you, she'll need to experience ongoing emotional closeness with you & a secure agreement that nudity will no longer equate sex.
Work to develop nonsexual intimacy by setting aside time each day for sharing feelings with each other & for doing activities together. Build daily affirmation into your lives with compliments, hugs & kisses that don't lead to sex.
And on a weekly basis, find more significant blocks of time for building this same kind
of nonsexual intimacy & enjoyment.
Another factor that affects a woman's modesty is how nudity was handled in her family.
If your wife's family was either extremely modest or inappropriate in exposure, she may have learned that it isn't safe to share herself, even with you.
When we've been raised with a high view of our bodies & with clear boundaries to protect them, we can freely give our bodies to our spouses. But if your wife didn't grow up in such an atmosphere, your expectation of her to share her body will only cause more violation & decreased openness.
Instead of making demands on her, provide safety in your relationship so your wife can gradually learn to share her body with you - at her pace & on her terms. The 2
of you may need professional guidance with this opening-up process.
How a woman perceives & accepts her body will also affect her sense of freedom to share her body w/her husband. The view we have of our bodies - our body image - was formulated during our growing up years by the way we were held as infants & children,
the messages we received from significant others about our bodies & the models we looked up to & now measure ourselves against.
The wider the gap between how we view ourselves & our image of the ideal body, the bigger our body image problem. The goal is to narrow that gap by enhancing our view of ourselves &/or changing our ideal.
If you discover your wife struggles with her body image, you can help her by conveying your positive view of her thru your touch & thru verbal affirmation without sexual expectation.
In addition, there may be efforts she could take to improve her view of her body. Sometimes
exercise or weight-loss programs make a difference, but these must be her ideas, not your agenda for her.
It may also be important for your wife to adjust her image of the ideal body. Many women try to measure up to media personalities. To define beauty on that basis is unrealistic. When struggling with body image, it's important to remember God's message:
He looks on the heart; man looks on the outward appearance. Both are important but since God accepts her as the beautiful woman he made her to be & you're the man looking on the outside, you can help affirm that perspective.
Raising a Modest or Inhibited Child
by Jan Faull
Q. What are
normal standards of modesty in children? I see kids at the beach w/out bathing suits & wonder if I'm raising an inhibited child by insisting she wear one. I don't want her to be so shy that she won't share a bathtub w/her cousin or slip into her swimsuit in the back of the car before going swimming. I want
her to feel comfortable with her body, but also to know that it's OK to cover it up. She's four.
A.Your daughter picks
up cues from you about what's appropriate when it comes to modesty. In child development terms it's called "social referencing."
This
phenomenon pertains not only to modesty, but to all social codes we teach children. Children look to their parents for approval,
disapproval, prompting & guidance when it comes to social mores.
Children
are most agreeable to your teachings during the preschool & early elementary years, so don't hesitate - give your child
nods & head shakes when it comes to issues pertaining to social appropriateness. Modesty is just one of these issues.
So how do you handle these specific situations? If you're at the beach & most of the children
are nude but this doesn't seem right to you, go ahead & slip your child into her bathing suit.
If
a swimsuit seems right to you in this setting, it's right. When a similar-aged cousin comes for the weekend, put both children
in the bath together. Your daughter won't be confused - the beach & bathtub are two completely different environments.
However,
if your daughter protests to bathing w/her cousin, don't force the issue. Ultimately, she'll decide who sees her unclothed.
Modesty issues are unique to each family. There are no hard & fast rules. They're dictated
by culture, community, family & each individual. As you teach your child social appropriateness, whatever the category,
some of these starter phrases might come in handy:
"In this family, we..."
"As you get older, you'll need to..."
"At home, it's OK to..."
"In public, it's expected that you..."
"At grandma's, don't forget to..."
Children need guidelines. If you want your child to be a free spirit, lighten up. On the other hand, if you're a stickler when it comes to social codes, patiently & persistently ingrain what's important to you.
Bringing up Children Sexually
by Lonnie Garfield
Barbach Ph.D.
Many women in the
groups were concerned about what they could do so that their children, particularly their daughters, wouldn't grow up with the same inhibitions & misconceptions about sex that had taken so much energy to reverse in themselves.
Few good books
have been written about the sexual education of children. Material is available carefully detailing how to explain reproductive matters & at what age information is appropriate, but very little has been researched or
written about how to deal with children's natural curiosity about sexual matters.
However, 3 books
have been recently written by Dr. Wardell Pomeroy on the subject: Girls and Sex (New York:
Dell Publishing Co., Inc., 1969), Boys and Sex (New York: Dell Publishing Co., Inc.,
1968) & Your Child and Sex: A Guide to Parents (New York: Delecorate Press, 1974).
Self-exploration is a natural part of the developmental process & this includes a child's exploration
of bodies - the mother's body, the father's body, friends' bodies & child's own body.
How would we have
liked to have been brought up sexually so that we were less inhibited & more sensual
& sexual? How can we change things so our children can have a better experience?
Child-rearing is
an individual matter & something with which each mother & father has to struggle. Perhaps this discussion will present
a few options for you to explore further in your family.
All too frequently,
children have been treated as innocent asexual beings. But children most certainly aren't asexual. All the sexual organs capable of providing pleasure are present & children are sexual creatures, from birth. Theirs isn't
the same sexuality we know as adults, but it's nonetheless sexuality.
The baby playing
with your breast is at least sensual if not sexual. The 2 year-old who seductively crawls into bed between Mommy & Daddy
is sexual, although not with the same explicit sexual intent of an adult. The 5 year-old girl, who dresses up & sits on her father's lap kissing him & asking him if he will marry
her when she grows up, is sexual.
The 7 year-old
who is masturbating, possibly even to orgasm, is sexual. The 8 year-old prancing around without any clothes on is sexual.
These are children passing thru learning stages on the way to becoming adult sexual beings.
Some of their behavior
represents a mimicking of Mommy or Daddy & some results from natural bodily curiosity but it's all sexual though not necessarily with the adult's awareness of what sexuality means.
A major problem
in dealing with sexuality in children has been the adult's own embarrassment & discomfort with sex. There has been a tendency to ignore children's sexual questions & gestures, a tendency to believe that an adult doesn't have to answer sexual questions because the child couldn't possibly know what she's asking.
This denies the child's sexuality because of the adult's own uneasiness. The result, of course, is that the child gets the message that
she's asking improper questions that her mother doesn't like to hear, so the child's tendency is to stop risking her mother's
anger, keep quiet & wonder silently to herself.
Meanwhile, the
child feels embarrassment, shame & remains ignorant about sex & many reach adulthood to experience excessive sexual inhibitions, the
absence of orgasm, or the experience of an unwanted pregnancy.
A number of my
colleagues, informed in the area of sex & child-rearing, advocate open, honest, direct dealing with sexual questions or sexual curiosity in children. They feel this is the best method. The child should be given information, with the parent frequently asking
questions to determine if the child understood, if she has any further questions, if the information disturbed or upset her, so the parent can correct misconceptions from the beginning.
The biggest obstacle
is dealing with issues that aren't resolved in the parent's own mind, while still trying to be honest. One mother accepted masturbation intellectually, but found the old fears & feelings of disgust or shame were evoked when her son played with his penis.
She didn't want
to alarm him by forbidding him to touch himself, but she knew he'd detect her discomfort if she told him that what he was
doing was fine, while she was feeling otherwise. Children pick up mixed messages quickly & respond with confusion.
They realize something's
wrong, although they may not be quite sure exactly what. A parent's attempt to inform the child of more than one prevailing
intellectual opinion while also directly expressing personal discomfort may be one way of dealing with unsettled issues.
In that way at
least the child knows exactly why a parent is uncomfortable. This particular woman said, "I know it feels good to play with your penis & it's OK,
but it makes me uncomfortable when you do it here in the living room. I'd feel much better if you'd go in to your bedroom
where you can have privacy."
It's important for children to know that touching one's sexual organs is supposed to feel good -
that other people touch themselves & have similar sensations & the response isn't abnormal or shameful; that sometimes a special feeling called orgasm can occur, but it doesn't always so they shouldn't feel abnormal when it happens, or ignorant if it doesn't.
It might be a good
idea to say that the feelings are good feelings & should be enjoyed but possibly only in the privacy of one's own room, & when others aren't around. There are special
rooms for many activities (kitchen, bathroom, etc.). Children are able to understand this.
The issue is a
touchy one - to be able to give your children positive sex messages & open the home to sexual questions when you don't feel totally comfortable about it yourself. To give one's children experiences different from one's own, however, is a valid goal.
Physical contact
is essential for children. Studies show that children in orphanages who received adequate nourishment but weren't held, cuddled,
kissed & caressed would often become ill. 1 But in our culture it is frequently customary to discontinue physical contact as the child grows older, especially with
sons.
Then after marriage,
miraculously, the 2 people who've been denied physical contact for years are supposed to be able to respond physically & emotionally without inhibitions -
which was natural for them as a child, but was trained out of them as they grew older.
Many of us grew
up in families where touching was prohibited & so we tend to maintain a distance from our children. Others of us may find ourselves sexually turned on by our children & these impulses may frighten us so much that we maintain physical distance in an effort to avoid the unacceptable sexual feelings & possibly even to protect our children from being the object of our sexual fantasies.
Sexual feelings for our children begin early. It's important to realize that sexual fantasies about one's children are normal. Many mothers in the groups reported having some such fantasies
at least occasionally.
Children are sexual,
warm, cuddly human beings - we can feel turned on & have the fantasies but we don't
have to act them out. Acting them out can be detrimental to the child, while just having the fantasy is perfectly harmless.
One of the group
members, Samantha, had sexual fantasies about her 5 year-old step-daughter who was going thru a very seductive stage. Samantha
was afraid she might actually try to seduce the child & as a result picked fights with her to keep them physically apart, hoping this would prevent her from acting out her worst fears.
Their relationship
was getting worse & worse. Another woman in the group announced that she, too, had had sexual fantasies which included
her 4 year-old daughter. She'd use the fantasies during masturbation & found that after about 2 months her fantasies began
naturally to include activities & people other than her daughter.
So it was suggested
that Samantha allow herself to have the fantasies, to exaggerate them & carry them, still in fantasy, to the greatest
possible extreme.
Samantha returned
the next week to say that she had followed our advice & actively fantasized sexual situations which included her step-daughter;
she found that not only did she not act on them, but she felt closer to her step-daughter & could allow herself to be more affectionate & caring with the child.
To her amazement
she tired of the fantasies & soon replaced them with more interesting ones. She also found that she wasn't jealous of the daughter's seductive behavior toward the child's father any more.
Accurate information
is important to curious youngsters. If your relationship is a close & caring one your child trusts you & feels comfortable with you, she will look to you for guidance & answers - especially in the early years.
During adolescence
things may change because of the adolescent's intense need for privacy & rebellion in order to establish herself as her own person.
But if your relationship
has been open until then, she should have received the necessary & important information about sexuality before this difficult & conflicted time.
Information need not exceed the limits of the child's question. A child asks a question, but we may not be aware of exactly what it is she wishes to have explained. Seeing the world thru a child's eyes & knowing exactly what she wants
to know, can be very hard for an adult.
A good way to find
out precisely what's confusing the child, which in turn will make it far easier to answer her question, is to ask what she thinks about it or how she thinks it works. This can radically simplify a seemingly all-encompassing question.
i.e., one 3 1/2
year-old asked Diane, "How does a car work?" Diane's mind immediately raced to all the complexities of a combustion engine,
most of which she really didn't understand herself. But before she jumped in over both their heads, Diane asked, "How do you think it works?" "Well, I don't think you push it with your feet," the child answered.
This greatly simplified
Diane's problem as she explained the absolute rudiments of a motor attached to the wheels which causes the car to move. If
the child wants more information, she'll usually ask further questions.
Generally, children
hear only as much as they are prepared to hear at a particular point in time & walk away when they become anxious or burdened with information they can't handle. Always asking if the child understands or has further questions or is upset by something you have said can help weed out the child's misconceptions & keep disturbing information from festering within.
Using diagrams
& pictures can sometimes clarify things, or just using words that a child will not misinterpret. A friend of mine was
told at the age of 5 that babies came from an egg in Mommy's tummy that Daddy fertilized.
For years she carried
around the mental image of Daddy shoveling manure on a chicken egg sitting on Mommy's tummy.
Information about
sex is generally met by children with embarrassment & giggles - especially at the beginning. Their reaction may make it even more difficult for us to sensitively answer their questions if we feel they're not serious or are ridiculing us, especially when we're already experiencing
discomfort & yet are trying to deal with the issue.
It's important to remember that children may pick up our discomfort or may already be aware that this is a private subject & feel awkward & uneasy discussing it even though they're starved for accurate information. However, as you begin to address their questions,
children will generally quiet down & listen attentively.
There's no reason
to keep children from knowing that sex is an enjoyable, pleasurable activity; that sex is for fun first & for babies second.
It makes no sense to hide the physical side of a loving relationship. It's important for children to see their parents embrace, kiss, cuddle & in general act affectionately toward one another.
However, in our
culture, this doesn't mean making love with the children as spectators or participants, though 2 to 4 year-olds have a fantastic
ability to open unlocked doors at precisely the wrong moments. It might be good to let your child
know that you & daddy make love in the privacy of your bedroom; that during that time you don't like to be disturbed & any questions & problems can generally wait until afterward.
To treat sex with
dignity & love rather than to shroud it in awkward & unspeakable mystery is an excellent way of instilling a child with a healthy attitude toward sex.
The pleasure sex
provides can be acknowledged rather than ignored. Young girls & boys can be told about a girl's clitoris just as they're told about a boy's penis, so that when they accidentally
discover this tiny but pleasurable organ, they don't feel like freaks. Alix Shulman wrote
a lovely dialogue about explaining the difference between boys & girls:
BOY:
What's the difference between boys & girls?
MOTHER: Mainly their sex organs. A boy has a penis & a girl has
a clitoris.
BOY: What's a clitoris?
MOTHER: It's a tiny sensitive organ on a girl's body about where a penis
is on a boy's body. It feels good to touch, like your penis....
BOY: What's it for?
MOTHER: For making love,
for pleasure. When people love each other, one of the ways they show it is by caressing one another's bodies, including their
sex organs.
BOY: How do girls pee?
MOTHER: There's an opening below the clitoris for peeing. A man uses his
penis for peeing, for making love & for starting babies. Women have three separate places for these.... (and so on...)
Children are innocent & curious. They know no guilt until others instill it in them & sometimes it happens without parents even noticing. Sarah walked in on her 4 1/2 year-old
daughter while she was masturbating & the child began to cry hysterically.
She hated herself because she did this & didn't want her mother to see & made her mother promise not to tell anyone. Sarah had no idea
how her daughter got these negative feelings at such a young age. She couldn't remember ever telling her child that it was bad to touch herself.
This
illustration makes it only too clear how little control we actually have over what a child hears & sees outside the home. Unless given permission & positive messages about sex from their parents, society, religion, schools, friends & relatives all too quickly instill negative sex messages.
Positive & accepting statements about sex, as opposed to the old oppressive messages, might ultimately improve the child's attitude & approach to sex. Landis et al. found that catching a child in the act of masturbation or making threatening statements about the act induces guilt, but has no effect on the frequency of masturbation.
The
child will continue to masturbate, but will also feel guilty about it. 3 Also, Kinsey's research indicates that a better sexual-orgasmic
adjustment to marriage is more probable if the girl has experienced orgasm, by whatever means, prior to marriage. 4 These are good reasons not to discourage a child's masturbation.
Children's sexual
exploration is like all other areas of exploration. For the child it's a way of learning about her environment & how to
make a place for herself within it. Exploration includes urinating while standing up like a boy, wearing make-up like mother,
playing doctor with other boys & girls down the street & exploring sexual feelings w/a girlfriend.
Physical &
loving relationships between 2 or more girls or 2 or more boys is a very common & natural part of the growing up process. It doesn't mean that the child is heterosexual, homosexual, or bisexual.
Each child will
have the chance to choose a sexual orientation later on in life. This experimentation is a part of the development process
for many children & not a cause for alarm or worry. One should try not to have the child feel
abnormal or ashamed about the expression of budding sexual feelings.
Perhaps the most
important source of feelings toward sexuality & about a girl's own body comes from messages from her mother. If a mother approaches life positively & freely shares her enthusiasm & love, if she holds aspirations for her daughters which move beyond the confines of traditional roles, then it's likely that the
child will develop in a less inhibited, more optimistic, self-sufficient & independent way.
Kids these days: Seeing is believing
Entering the school, I heard
pounding music spilling out of the gymnasium. Taking my post behind the food table, I was dishing out lukewarm pizza &
icy bottled water when I heard some other mothers speaking in hushed tones. Watching their brows shift from raised surprise
to furrowed concern, my curiosity was peaked & I shuffled a bit closer to listen in.
"I've heard about this happening in high schools."
"It's so dark in there."
"Could you see who it was?"
"The teachers had to keep turning on the lights to get them
to stop."
"MY daughter would NEVER do that."
Of course I had to go find
out what the ruckus was, so I excused myself & headed toward party central.
Standing in the doorway, I
peered into blackness broken up only by the irregular flashing of the DJ's colorful lights. Amidst the din, I saw at the far
end of the gym what appeared to be most of the 8th grade class Velcroed together in a tightly packed mob, moving up &
down to the rhythm of some indiscernible pop song.
I couldn't believe my eyes.
I had flashbacks to frat parties
& the post-college club scene. The only thing lacking in this nightmare was a keg of beer & shooters.
What I witnessed
was nothing short of...well, remember the movie Dirty Dancing?
The kids were bunch dancing
as a group, those on the perimeter forming an impenetrable border within which were a number of couples, shall we say, making
out.
I
began walking toward the herd of hormones to see if amidst the sweaty bodies was my son being helplessly mauled by some little blonde in spaghetti straps & heels. I passed groups of wise wallflowers dancing cautiously with their same-sex friends & a handful of boys who ran about circling adults in an amusing hokey-pokey rendition, temporarily
breaking the sexual tension thick as molasses on the basketball court.
At closer range, it was evident
that inhibitions didn't exist among these 14 year-olds gathered before the music man. A
number of girls were shaking & grinding their hips with a boy behind matching her movements while holding her waist.
Other young ladies,
dancing in the same fashion without the male shadow, are watched closely by guys resembling hungry wolves, eyes glazed &
mesmerized.
Chaperones & teachers
peered over the edge of the mass in an attempt to command a respectable distance be maintained between bodies. Occasionally a brave adult would push his or her way thru the glue to physically peel the teens apart, only to have them magnetically return to
their positions as soon as the witness passed.
I left the steamy scene &
thankfully found my son & a dozen of his friends safely dancing with a basketball on the side of the gym opened up for shooting hoops. Other parents watching from the doors had
comments, some of which took me aback.
One said, "They're such a
good group of kids! As long as they keep away from drinking & drugs." (To which I emphatically added & sex!)
"I feel sorry for the kids.
They're exposed to so much thru the media, TV, music, movies. It's not their fault. They can't help it."
"I expect my kids to do the same things that I did when I was their age. I just hope they don't get pregnant or end up dead."
Okay, I agree (somewhat). Middle schoolers ARE exposed to more irresponsible, consequence-free sex at a younger age than in the days of Styx & Journey. Today's music lyrics such as My
Humps are appalling. This dance was drastically different from the one I remember from 1980, when shy girls wore long gowns & corsages, boys wore suits & dancing was done in a line.
And maybe, just maybe, as
the evening drew near the end, you would work up enough nerve to finally dance to Babe or Reunited with your
"date" at arms length & were relieved when the brief beginnings of Last Dance ended & the tempo picked up.
But what do parents think their role is in this modern day maze of lust?
Raising teens in the new millennium
takes more than parental control on cable & computer software. It's the parent's duty to teach their children how to handle peer pressure, practice self-control, deal with their emotions & hormones, dress modestly & behave respectfully.
Parents need to explain to their precious children how members of the opposite sex view, respond to, think & feel about them, teach them how to deal appropriately with it & provide the consequences left out of the media,
such as babies, disease, emotional scarring & regret.
It's right that we protect our children even if it means restricting their activities, monitoring their exposure to harmful, potentially
dangerous situations & saying "No" to their pleas for a cell phone, instant messaging, their own blog, exposed midriffs,
ultra-low rise jeans & teen dating.
Maybe I'm old fashioned or overly
strict. But I remember what I did as a teen & I neither want nor expect them to experience what I did & am going to make DARNED sure I educate my teens about the realities of the boy-girl thing.
I give the school credit for
banning bare shoulders & requiring that girls wear shrugs to the dance. And I'm thankful for chaperones & teachers
who volunteer their time to monitor our teens. But can't we keep the lights on?
The 8th grade end-of-year party
was a wake up call for me. It's one thing to read in the newspapers about teen sexuality, or see Oprah talk about STD's, "friends
with benefits" & teen pregnancies. But to actually see it, in our schools, before our very own eyes, should sober us.
The reality is that our children
– CHILDREN – are behaving as if they were at least 5 years older than they are.
Seeing is believing.
- Patte Geary can be contacted via e-mail at patte@wi.rr.com. 06/14/06
It's just a sign of our time...
A feeling of overall inhibition in life...
kathleen howe
I realize that to some of you it seems that I've moved in the opposite
direction of where I had hoped to be going by saying this. If you've been in recovery, moving progressively forward, acquiring a steady influx of personal
growth, you may understand what I'm saying.
I've found, in all honesty, that thru consistently educating myself in mental health matters, lifestyle factors, emotions & feeling work & the steps for recovery from life dysfunctions - it's with clarity of thought concerning what's realistically happening around me that now concerns me the most. As with a lifetime of dysfunctional relationships, ill physical & mental health, as well as the poorest of lifestyle factors, never having a foothold on a healthy sense of self esteem, that my resulting situation is more of a challenge than I could have ever anticipated.
Thru my extensive study
of the above factors in life, as well as many more, I've had the opportunity to correspond with many people that have been
in similar situations that I've experienced throughout my past. As dark as my past seems to me, I have to realize with a great
sense of amazement that I'm not alone in my intense desire to recover from my past, grow personally & live a happy, healthy life in my present & future.
I believe now that I can heal from the wounds of my past. I believe now more than ever that people need each other for their recovery to be successful & I've tried to help others thru the
development of the emotional feelings network of sites, to do my part in volunteering thousands of hours of my personal time for the betterment of our society as a whole, worldwide.
As global warming becomes
a very intense concern that we all must face, educate ourselves about & all take part in acting to prevent further damage to our Mother Earth,
recovery from a troubled past lays upon the surface of the horizon for most of the baby boomer
generation.
The baby boomer generation,
now facing their senior years in the newest years of 2000 plus, have been divorced, addicted, wounded, distanced, cast out into, "the valley of the shadow of death" more times than not - now find themselves saying, "Enough is enough."
After living their entire lives in an "unhappy dysfunctional state of mind," the entire generation is slowly warming up to the fact that there's something out there called,
"normal life" to aspire to. The boomers are finding themselves slowly but surely & as
they do, just a single member of a family, finding the self that's been hiding for so long can inspire other family members to get on track to live a normal, happy & productive life.
The only problem with recovering is finding yourself in a very sticky situation. You are surrounded with the dysfunction that
you chose to be in thru your infirmities. It's not pretty. You've found reality suddenly & it doesn't look good. I have
found many people who correspond thru e-mail with me that this has happened & they're having trouble coping with their
realizations.
They're having trouble & they're getting stuck, me included.
No one tells you this is going to happen. So I'm telling you now, expect this to be the
case, once you feel that your head is beginning to emerge from its previous cloudy state.
I believe that suddenly I'm inhibited
in my actions. Now that I know the trouble I've gotten myself into, I have to fix it all. Well, not all of it has to be actually,
"fixed or repaired," but depending on your level of past dysfunction, there are some loose strings that need to be tied
up into a neat little bow! It's true. When we get these realizations, they seem to just pop into view, suddenly & unexpectedly,
we get really "flipped out!"
Being suddenly flipped out, is a danger to recovery! Not being well established in healthy coping mechanisms, this "stuck state"
that we find ourselves in can sometimes cause us to resort back to our unhealthy - negative coping
mechanisms; thus we go backwards in our recovery
process. Going backwards can make us panic! When we panic, we have
the past history of "shutting down."
Because once
I began to feel inhibited in my recovery, I have felt
that fear, anxiety & apprehension are trying to squeeze their unhealthy mannerisms back into my thinking & daily life.
I've worked so hard to only use fear, anxiety & apprehension in healthy ways for years now... I get kinda nervous or slightly inhibited in my actions & thinking once I feel that unease.
Acceptance helps me realize that there are some things that I just need to accept, ponder upon & then dutifully (towards myself) - let go. I've found
that I need to accept the life that I put myself into when I was unhealthy. I've found that there are some things about my relationships that I
may never be able to change. But in that same sense of acceptance, I still have "hope" that there can be more good - healthy changes in those same relationships, than not.
I've found that feeling inhibited is
just a stumbling block that I've been using as a defense mechanism. It's acceptable to be fearful as long as using fear is kept to a healthy level. It's acceptable to be anxious, because healthy anxiety can help us in the long run. It's acceptable to be apprehensive because this may remind us to be careful in our decision making processes. Apprehension can help us to
take time to reflect upon what we need to do instead of the opposite, "jump straight into the fire" thinking we may have had in our previous dysfunctional lifestyles.
Feeling inhibited has forced me to open myself up to others. I've been inhibited, but have emerged validated in my recovery thus far in explaining
my recovery processes to others. Perhaps once I feel inhibited, I realize that I'm also feeling very vulnerable. Vulnerable
is good. Vulnerable is risky. But, I emerge validated & feeling good about my progress. I've begun to feel good about myself. I've been beginning to build, in a healthy fashion, a sense of positive
self esteem. I'm not afraid to speak up about what has happened to me. I' beginning to feel strong enough to say,
"Hey world, this is me, the real me, and I went thru ____ in my past. I've recovered
though by doing, _____. If you don't like the new & very improved me & can't accept me as I am, I'm sorry. I do try to live to inspire others. I do try to model healthy lifestyle factors. I am beginning to feel secure with myself. That's a good thing."
Being aware of my feelings of inhibition is a good thing. Once I've recognized & identified that I'm feeling inhibited, I can take it a step further & say to
myself, "is this a good thing or bad thing?" The trick is - taking the time to reflect upon it. Feel the inhibition. What does it say to you? Then take action! Make a plan! What do you need to do to change how you're feeling? Can't change it? Accept that & go on. Quit worrying about it. Just recognize it & say, "It's okay."
I've realized that it's
the things that I can't change, that I just have to accept for what they are & learn to not compromise my own self because of someone else's problems. Aha! There's life after being a baby boomer your entire
life!
When I catch myself feeling inhibited, I know there's something up or out there, something that's not quite right,
something's out there that I need to reflect on. It's okay to protect yourself. It's something that happens naturally to healthy people. Once you learn how to protect yourself in healthy ways, you'll find that your usage of acceptance & awareness is being used to its most beneficial level.
I'm astounded with my sense of awareness. I'm blessed with being aware. I've let go of fears that were obsessive & that consumed all my energies. I'm beginning to free myself of those chains that bound me my entire life. It's a good feeling. It's a very long road, but the recovery road is the road I choose every time now. If I
begin to stray, get stuck, go backwards, panic or shut down; I get grounded again by meditating on what I need at the present moment.
I get myself back to my present moment & reflect on what's knocking at my mind's door. I regain my energy, my new strength, my good feelings - then I look at the problem again.
Usually I can say, "Wow@! I know how to get rid of that. This is what
the problem is. I can accept that. I can change that. I can do better!" It's liberating. Recovery is liberating. It's very hard work, but I believe that healthy hard work is liberating & it's what we need. It's cause & effect, it's a guiding light for us to follow. Keep working & you'll see the light. Each problem
has its own timeframe.
Get rid of your expectations, then be aware, learn to accept the way things are - understand why things are the way they are; then plan how to change what you can. Accept what you can't change. It's that simple. Stop trying to make things harder for yourself. It can get complicated. Keep it simple.
Hey guys & gals, Thursday, July 6th is my birthday & feeling like
this is the best present I can give myself!!!
kathleen
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Response
to new faces varies by temperament, tied to brain activity MGH imaging study finds differences in brain area responsible for vigilance
A key area in the brains
of people who displayed an inhibited temperament as toddlers shows a greater response to
new faces than does the same brain area in adults who were uninhibited early in life, according
to a study by researchers from Massachusetts General Hospital (MGH). The imaging studies
of the amygdala - a part of the brain that responds to events requiring extra vigilance - appear in the June 20 issue of Science.
"Our findings both support
the theory that differences in temperament are related to differences in amygdala function, something earlier technology couldn't
prove & show that the footprint of temperamental differences observed when people are younger persist & can be measured
when they get older," says Carl Schwartz, MD, director of the developmental psychopathology lab in the MGH Psychiatric Neuroscience
Program, the paper's first author.
"In a way, this research is
the neuroscientist's version of the 'Seven-Up' movies," he adds, referring to a well-known series of British documentaries
that have revisited a group of people every 7 years for more than 40 years.
In psychological terms, temperament
refers to a stable emotional & behavioral profile that's observed in infancy & partially controlled by genetic factors. One of the most carefully studied temperamental measures relates to a child's typical response to unfamiliar
people, objects & situations.
It usually is described with
terms such as shyness vs. sociability, caution vs. boldness, or withdrawal vs. approach. The 2 extremes of this measurement define
types of children called inhibited & uninhibited by
Jerome Kagan, PhD, professor of Psychology at Harvard Univ., a co-author of the current study.
The study participants were
22 young adults who, as children, had participated in Kagan's earlier research. 13 of the participants had been determined
to be inhibited as infants & 9 were categorized as uninhibited.
In the first phase of the
current study, functional MR images (fMRI) were taken while participants viewed a random series of 6 faces that were presented
several times.
In the test phase, participants
viewed a larger number of faces, some of which were totally new & some that were repeated from the first phase. All of
the faces that the participants viewed had expressions that were neutral & not characterized by any emotion.
While some increase in amygdala
response to strange faces is normal, the inhibited participants showed a significantly greater
response to the unfamiliar faces than did the uninhibited participants. Two of the inhibited participants previously had been diagnosed w/the anxiety disorder social phobia, but even when their results were removed from analysis, the inhibited groups showed much
greater amygdala response.
"It's been theorized that
the behavioral differences that characterize inhibited & uninhibited
children may relate to the amygdala's response to novelty & our study supports that concept," says Schwartz, who is asst.
professor of Psychiatry at Harvard Medical School. "This was a modest study that needs to be confirmed in a larger population,
something we're hoping to receive the resources to carry out."
The researchers also note
that the current findings could complicate the interpretation of psychiatric imaging studies. Schwartz notes, "There are many
imaging studies that have compared people with anxiety disorders such as panic disorder & social phobia to normal controls & found increased amygdalar activity.
While the conventional interpretation
of such studies is to regard these differences as markers of the illness, our results suggest that this brain activity may
in fact be a marker for the continued influence of temperamental risk factors persisting from infancy."
"These findings may reflect
a difference in vulnerability that can be compensated for or exacerbated by environment & experience," says Scott Rauch, MD, MGH director of psychiatric
neuroimaging, another co-author of the Science paper.
Heritability of Childhood Anxiety by Katharina Manassis, M.D.
Twin studies have established
a genetic contribution to childhood anxiety symptoms & disorders. Family-association studies have found anxiety disorders to be elevated in children of parents with anxiety disorders & conversely, in parents of children with anxiety disorders.
Specific genes linked to certain
neurotransmitters implicated in anxiety are now being studied in anxiety-disorder populations. Further studies have demonstrated temperamental risk factors for anxiety disorders (most notably, behavioral inhibition) using both family-association & prospective designs
(Biederman et al., 1990; Kagan et al., 1989; Manassis et al., 1995).
While each type of study has
certain methodological constraints & constitutional factors undoubtedly interact with environmental ones, this group of
findings makes an impressive case for a hereditary component in anxiety disorders.
However, exploring environmental
contributions to anxiety (i.e., family problems or stressful life events) & developmental or medical contributors (i.e., learning
disabilities or hyperthyroidism) is also essential.
Behavioral Inhibition
In treating anxious children, research findings regarding behavioral inhibition have been among the most helpful.
Behavioral inhibition is an aspect of temperament, present in about 10% of toddlers, characterized
by a child's tendency to restrict exploration & avoid novelty (Kagan et al., 1989).
Prospective studies have shown
an increased risk of multiple anxiety disorders in middle childhood for behaviorally inhibited children (Biederman
et al., 1990) & a more specific risk of social phobia in adolescence (Schwartz et al., 1999).
Although initially studied
in toddlers, precursors & sequelae of inhibited have now been elucidated in longitudinal
studies (Bernstein et al., 1996). The typical features of behavioral
inhibition at various ages are shown in the Table & their relevance to
practice is described below.
Physiological studies of inhibited children have suggested that they experience chronically high levels of sympathetic
nervous system arousal & such arousal accounts for many of the manifestations of inhibited
(e.g., reduced exploration to avoid overstimulation, decreased spontaneous speech due to vocal
cord tension) (Kagan et al., 1989).
Sensory sensitivities (e.g., sensitivity to certain noises or smells) are also common in behaviorally inhibited children, suggesting they may have a lower threshold for sympathetic arousal in response
to certain external stimuli. Therapies that promote sensory integration have been used in some children with these specific
sensitivities.
Relevance to Clinical Practice
Many inhibited
children don't develop psychopathology, especially if they receive empathic encouragement to face new situations rather than avoiding them.
Facing new situations is thought to result in gradual desensitization for the inhibited child, just as facing a feared stimulus does in the treatment of phobias. Parents who are securely attached to their children & aren't unduly anxious themselves often help their inhibited children face novelty without seeking professional
advice.
Persistent behavioral inhibition is thought to occur when parents either fear that the child can't manage exposure to new situations (resulting in overprotection) or
dismiss the child's distress (contributing to the child's insecurity) (Arcus et al., 1992,
as cited in Kagan et al., 1998). Helping such parents gradually & empathically expose their child to new situations
can be a very therapeutic intervention.
In infancy, children who later
become inhibited are often described as difficult. Unable to avoid novelty at this age,
they respond w/a high degree of crying & movement. Helping parents remain calm, soothe the infant & find ways to promote
self-soothing are all therapeutic at this age.
By school age, children w/persistent
behavioral inhibition can begin to manifest anxiety disorders.
The stress of school entry is a common trigger. Besides the anxiety disorders listed in DSM-IV, selective
mutism (lack of speech in unfamiliar situations, most commonly school) can be problematic.
Increasing evidence suggests that this is an anxiety-related condition & shouldn't be seen as a willful refusal to speak
(Dummit et al., 1997). For school-age anxieties, behavioral interventions that promote exploration & desensitization to phobias (often in
combination with positive reinforcement systems) are cornerstones of treatment (Kendall
et al., 1997).
The child can also learn relaxation techniques & cognitive strategies for ameliorating anxiety. Medications, especially serotonin reuptake inhibitors, have been found effective in childhood anxiety disorders (Birmaher et al., 1998), although their use in the treatment of extremes of temperament remains controversial
(Garland & Weiss, 1996).
The presence of behavioral inhibition is assessed by behavioral observations of the child & sometimes by parent report.
By school age, however, child-report & teacher-report inventories can also contribute to the assessment. Two common standardized
measures (Achenbach, 1991; March, 1998) are listed in the Table. Some children, however, don't freely acknowledge anxiety (Manassis et al., 1997), so parental reports of avoidant, inhibited
behavior should be taken seriously.
With the onset of adolescence,
children w/persistent behavioral inhibition can experience
more intense social phobia (Schwartz et al., 1999). Previously untreated
anxieties of middle childhood may also become problematic as expectations of independent functioning increase at adolescence.
i.e., the inhibited child who has always feared speaking to peers on the telephone can avoid this situation by asking parents to help. At adolescence, this reliance on parents
may no longer be considered socially acceptable.
The failure to treat earlier anxieties may also erode self-esteem. There's an increased incidence of depression in anxious children at adolescence, especially in those severely impaired by their anxieties. This has led some authors to suggest a progression to depression in more impaired children (Brady & Kendall, 1992).
Preventing this outcome thru
early treatment of anxiety could thus ameliorate the long-term morbidity associated w/comorbid anxiety & depression. Furthermore, there's an unfortunate association between alcohol abuse & social phobia in adolescence (Ginsburg et al., 1998; La Greca & Lopez, 1998). Such teens are thought
to self-medicate their social anxiety, not having learned more adaptive coping strategies.
Specific Risk Factors
Anxiety disorders
are increasingly thought to be polygenic, suggesting that additional constitutional risk factors exist besides behavioral inhibition. Numerous biochemical & neuroimaging studies are examining correlates of specific
anxiety disorders (Pine & Grun, 1999). Few of these
disorder-specific findings are yet being applied clinically; one exception is the Anxiety Sensitivity Index & the corresponding
child instrument (Silverman et al., 1999).
Anxiety sensitivity is a predisposition to react to autonomic arousal w/anxiety & has been specifically linked to panic disorder. People w/this sensitivity tend to attribute physical signs of arousal as representing a serious illness (e.g., palpitations signaling imminent cardiac arrest) rather than a more benign cause (palpitations
due to consuming a strong cup of coffee).
Questionnaire measures of
this tendency can be helpful in assessing vulnerability to panic disorder & in beginning cognitive interventions for panic that focus on realistic reappraisal of physical sensations.
This brief review of heritable
factors relevant to assessing & treating anxiety in children has focused on interventions that are informed by an appreciation of inhibited
temperament & anxiety sensitivity. It's hoped that early amelioration of these risk factors will reduce the negative sequelae of untreated childhood anxiety disorders.
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A Child's Personality May Persist Into Adulthood
by Jim Morelli
WebMD
That parental admonition, "Stop acting like a 3-year-old," may be a waste
of time - that's what research shows.
A researcher at the Univ. of London has found a link between "difficult" toddlers & those who have behavioral
problems into adulthood - & conversely, evidence that well-adjusted children stay that way as they get older.
The study, published
last year in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, bases its conclusions on data from a study conducted
in Dunedin, a town in New Zealand. Researchers have been tracking the overall development of more than 1,000 people there
since their births in 1972 to 1973, with the participants returning every 2 to 3 years for psychological & physical examinations.
For this study's
purpose, the most important of those visits occurred at age 3, when the subjects were first classified according to behavioral traits.
They ranged from
Study author Avshalom
Caspi reports a startling persistence to these personality characteristics.
By age 18, the
troublesome toddlers had evolved into more reckless young adults
who enjoyed dangerous & exciting activities, while the inhibited kids went in the opposite direction - toward safe activities & social situations.
Not surprisingly,
the well-adjusted children exhibited what might be termed middle-of-the-road
or reasonable behaviors.
3 years later,
the Dunedin researchers tried another information -gathering tack. They asked the study participants, now 21, to nominate
an acquaintance willing to fill out a questionnaire about them.
They got some rather
grim assessments of the children who were first classified as troublesome or inhibited, with both groups scoring low on outgoingness, creativity & popularity.
The troublesome group also picked up low scores on reliability & trustworthiness.
But that was just
the beginning. The researchers also found that "uncontrolled" toddlers ran into a slew of trouble as adults, having the highest rates of alcohol dependence, anxiety, suicide attempts & self-reported criminal offenses.
The inhibited group, meanwhile, showed the highest rate of depression.
Psychologists contacted
by WebMD say parents shouldn't get the wrong impression from the study. Rebecca Eder, PhD, former director of the dept. of
psychology at St. Louis Children's Hospital, called it an "impressive" piece of work, but says it doesn't mean that out-of-control kids are headed straight for jail.
"The message to parents
is, yes, your child may be low in self-control. That's not good or bad. It's, 'Where are you going to put them where they'll thrive?'"
Eder sees personality
traits as "neutral" qualities that are made good or bad by how they're received.
Thus, a vigorous,
"uncontrolled" kid brought up by parents with the same behavioral qualities is more likely
to get a positive message about his behavior than one brought up by a more reserved couple.
Still, there are
children with real behavioral problems & the general advice from psychologists is that they
ought to get help early.
"In the past, we
might've been told by the popular press to sit back & relax, the child will grow out of it,"
says Paul Costa Jr., PhD, professor of psychiatry at Johns Hopkins Univ. in Baltimore & co-author of Personality in
Adulthood.
"But if children
are showing extreme maladaptive behaviors, they're not going to grow out of it."
The key world here
is "extreme." Costa says about 2/3 of personalities fall within an average
range: neither too introverted nor too extroverted.
In fact, in the
Dunedin survey, only about 20% of children could be classified into the "worst" behavioral categories.
"Right away, a
lot of people are going to jump to conclusions & issue harmful stereotypes," he says. "[But] there are lots of styles,
lots of ways to succeed, lots of ways to be maladjusted, lots of ways to be adaptive."
And people should
keep in mind that tendencies aren't everything when it comes to personality, says Dan McAdams, PhD, professor of personality
psychology & clinical psychology at Northwestern Univ. in Evanston, Ill.
"I've suggested
[that personality tendencies] give you the psychology of a stranger. They tell you what
you need to know if you're meeting someone for the first time. But as you get to know a person, you explore other aspects of their
personality."
These aspects develop,
McAdams says, out of adaptations people make to their tendencies - & out of the individual's search for an identity.
In other words, their tendencies may not change, but people certainly do.
Alternative names: Sexual
aversion; Sexual apathy; Hypoactive sexual desire
Inhibited
sexual desire (ISD) refers to a low level of sexual interest. The person with ISD fails to initiate or respond to their partner's desire for sexual activity.
ISD
may be primary (where the person has never felt much sexual desire or interest), or secondary (where the person used to possess sexual desire, but no longer does).
ISD
may also be either situational to the partner (the person with ISD is interested in other people,
but not his or her partner), or it may be general (where the person with ISD has a lack
of sexual interest in anyone).
In
the extreme form of sexual aversion, the person not only lacks sexual desire, but may find sex repulsive, revolting & distasteful.
Sometimes,
rather than being inhibited, there may simply be a discrepancy in sexual interest levels
between 2 partners, both of whom have interest levels within the normal range.
Occasionally,
someone may claim that his or her partner has ISD, when in fact they, themself, have hyperactive sexual desire & are very demanding sexually.
Causes,
incidence & risk factors
ISD is
a very common sexual disorder. The most common cause of ISD seems to be relationship problems wherein one partner doesn't
feel emotionally intimate or close to their mate.
Communication
problems, lack of affection that isn't associated with continuing into:
are common factors.
ISD
may also be associated with a very restrictive upbringing concerning sex, negative attitudes toward sex, or negative or traumatic sexual experiences (such as rape, incest, or sexual abuse).
Physical
illnesses & some medications may also contribute to ISD, particularly when they produce:
Hormone
deficiencies may occasionally be implicated. Psychological conditions such as depression & excessive stress may inhibit sexual interest.
Commonly
overlooked factors include:
ISD
may also be associated with other sexual dysfunctions & sometimes may be caused by them.
i.e.,
the woman who is unable to have orgasm or has pain with intercourse, or the man who has erection problems (impotence) or retarded ejaculation, may lose interest in sex because it's commonly associated with
failure or isn't very pleasurable.
Individuals
who were victims of childhood sexual abuse or rape & persons whose marriages are lacking in emotional intimacy are particularly at risk of ISD.
Symptoms
Signs
& tests
The majority
of the time, medical evaluation & lab tests will not reveal a physical cause.
However,
testosterone is the hormone responsible for creating sexual desire in both men & women. It may be useful to check testosterone levels, particularly in men who have ISD.
Blood
for such lab tests in men should be drawn before 10:00 a.m., when male hormone levels are at their highest.
Interviews
with a specialist in sex therapy are more likely to reveal possible causes.
Treatment
Treatment must be individualized to the factors that may be inhibiting
sexual interest. Often, there may be several such factors.
Some
couples will need relationship enhancement work or marital therapy prior to focusing directly on enhancing sexual activity. Some couples will need to be taught skills in conflict resolution & be helped to work thru differences in nonsexual areas.
Communication
training in talking on a feeling level, showing empathic understanding, resolving differences in a manner that reflects sensitivity & respect for the feelings of both parties, learning how to express anger constructively & reserving time for couple activities, affection & talking all tend to encourage sexual desire.
Many
couples will also need direct focus on the sexual relationship wherein thru education & couple assignments they expand the variety & time
devoted to sexual activity.
Some
couples will also need to focus on how they may sexually approach their partner in more interesting & desirable ways & in how to more gently & tactfully decline a sexual invitation.
When
problems with sexual arousal or performance are factors in decreasing libido, these sexual dysfunctions will need to be directly addressed.
Expectations (prognosis)
Disorders
of sexual desire are often among the more difficult sexual problems to treat & seem to be especially more challenging to treat in men.
Consequently,
referral should be sought to a specialist in sex & marital therapy.
Complications
When
both partners have low sexual desire, the issue of sexual interest level will not be problematic in the relationship. Low sexual desire, however, may be a barometer of the emotional health of the relationship.
In
other cases where there's an excellent & loving relationship, low sexual desire may cause a partner to repeatedly feel hurt & rejected, leading to eventual feelings of resentment & promoting eventual emotional distance.
Sex
is something that, for most couples, either bonds their relationship closer together, or something that becomes a wedge that gradually drives them apart.
When
one partner is significantly less interested in sex than their companion & this has become a source of conflict & friction, it's recommended that professional help is needed before the relationship becomes further strained.
Prevention
One
good way of preventing ISD is to reserve time for nonsexual intimacy with one's partner. Couples who reserve weekly talk time & time for a weekly date alone without the kids, will maintain
a closer relationship & are more likely to feel sexual interest.
Couples
should also detach sex & affection, so that neither one is afraid to be affectionate on a daily basis, fearing that it'll be interpreted as an invitation to proceed to intercourse.
Reading
books or taking courses in couple communication, or reading books about massage may also encourage feelings of closeness.
For
some individuals, reading novels or viewing movies with romantic or sexual content may also serve to encourage sexual desire.
Regularly
reserving "prime time," before exhaustion sets in, for both talking & sexual intimacy will encourage closeness & sexual desire.
Update Date: 10/17/2005
Updated by: Christos Ballas, M.D., Attending Psychiatrist, Hospital of the Univ.of Pennsylvania,
Philadelphia, PA. Review provided by VeriMed Healthcare Network.
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