What is insecurity?

Insecurity is:

• Feeling of not being "good enough'' to meet the challenge of a situation you face in life.

• Sense of helplessness in the face of problems, conflict, or concerns.

• Belief that one is inadequate or incompetent to handle life's challenges.

• Fear of being discovered as inadequate, ill fitted, or unsuited to meet responsibilities at home, school, or on the job.

• Sense of not fitting in, being "out of synch'' with those in your peer group.

• Perception that life is unpredictable with most of the expectations you have to meet not clearly understood.

• Sense of always climbing up a mountain, never being able to reach the top.

• Sense of lacking support or reinforcement where you live, work, or play.

• Results from a sense of being unaccepted, disapproved, or rejected.

• Inner turmoil coming from a lack of direction or bewilderment as to where you're going, what your goals are & what responses are appropriate for events in life.

What do chronically insecure people believe?

• I can never accomplish the task facing me!

• Everybody is looking at me, just waiting for me to make a fool of myself!

• I'm a failure!

• I'm ugly & awful to look at!

• I can never win. I am a loser.

• What is the sense of trying, I'll never get it right!

• No matter how hard I work to achieve, I never get any recognition!

• I'm incompetent in everything.

• How could anybody ever say anything good about me?

• I failed them in the past; therefore, I'm a failure today!

• Once a failure, always a failure!

• There's only one direction for me to go in this organization & that's down & out!

• No one could ever like, respect, or accept me!

• I don't deserve to be treated nicely!

• I don't fit in here or anywhere else for that matter!

• Everyone else looks so good, so together; I feel so out of it compared to them!

• I'm an incomplete person & will always be that way!

• I'm so afraid that no one will like me!

• Why would anyone care to hear what I say, how I feel, or what I think?

• People are just nice to you in order to use you & get something they want from you!

How can insecurity be overcome?

In order to overcome insecurity, people need to:

• Be willing to be put in vulnerable positions in life where they might get hurt.

• Take risks to change their current behavior.

• Trust others enough to expose themselves to them, risking vulnerability & the possibility of being hurt.

• Have a healthy & humorous belief in themselves in order to overlook their exaggerated need for acceptance & approval.

• Take a rational approach to each problem they face so that they're no longer inhibited by debilitating fears or beliefs.

• Practice assertive behavior in their lives, earning respect & the acknowledgment of their rights.

• Arouse the courage to take small steps in learning to experience success & overcoming their lack of belief in self. Once the success is experienced, they can build on it to gain the courage to act out of a strong conviction in their self-goodness & worth.

• Break the barrier or outer shell of the self-doubt they have hidden behind & reach out to others. Breaking out of their "shells'' requires letting go of past hurts (real or imagined) & moving on with life.

• Open themselves to the possibility of success & accomplishment. Visualize or make a prophecy of winning at life so their energies are focused in a growth direction.

• Reward themselves for who they are & capitalize on their strengths, attributes, skills & competencies.

What steps can people take to handle insecurity?

Step 3:   Implement the plan of action in Step 2. Keep a log in your journal as you go thru each stage of handling your insecurity.

Step 4:   The following project is designed to help you develop secure behavior by learning about yourself thru the eyes of the others in your life. (Make it smaller or larger as you see fit.)        

"Overcoming Insecurity" Collage

Ask at least 6 close friends and/or relatives to assist you in making a collage. Tell them you've been assigned to make a collage about yourself for school, work, or a club project. All collages must be 2 x 3 feet. The collage must be completed within 2 weeks of the time you ask your friends &/or relatives to help you.

Ask them to send you magazine pictures, sayings, articles, photos, prizes, trinkets, cards, drawings, objects, ribbons, etc., indicative of the various strengths, attributes, talents, skills, knowledge, virtues, competencies, or abilities you possess.

Ask them to send a short explanation with each item they send you. Ask each person to send at least 10 items.

Once you gather the items, paste them on poster board in collage fashion. On the back of the collage paste the explanations for the items.

Share your collage with your friends, family & helpers. Explain each item on the collage & explain that they've helped you overcome some of your personal insecurity by giving accurate & honest feedback on reasons why you should feel secure & good about yourself.

Step 5:   If you're still feeling insecure after completing Steps 1 thru 4, review the material, return to Step 1 & begin again.

Feelings inside persons with the non-feeling personality traits

1. Not sure what all the fuss is about

2. Annoyed at people who become overemotional or explosive with their feelings

3. Offended & hurt when challenged about their lack of response to others' feelings

4. Feel as if they're being taken advantage of because of their easygoing nature

5. Unsure if they have the right to stand up for themselves; unsure of what steps to take to ensure protection of their rights

6. Feel they're being victimized by others who are overly verbal & overly emotional

7. Resist being pushed into decisions involving human relationships

8. Feel confident in decisions involving logic & reason; feel insecure in decisions involving feelings & emotions

9. Feel ill at ease when spotlight of attention is put on them

10. Get confused when they're asked by others to tell how they "feel"

11. Annoyed & resentful at those who pressure them to reveal how they "feel"

12. Hide behind a mask of "no feelings"

13. Fearful of getting into intense discussions on emotional issues

14. Resentful for being misunderstood or put down because they don't react emotionally to things, events, or relationships

15. Feel proud about their ability to maintain their cool & laid-back stance in the midst of a crisis

16. Annoyed at the implication that they have problems because they don't respond emotionally to others

17. Annoyed that their rights are being abused, but unsure of what to do about it

18. Insecure in the presence of a sharp witted, verbally emotive individual

19. Threatened by fear of rejection or loss of approval when confronted with demands of others to "show their true colors"

20. Fearful of letting others know how they really feel about things because they're unsure themselves how they feel

21. Feelings of inferiority over inability to identify & label feelings in themselves & others

22. Feelings of incompetence(Inadequate for or unsuited to a particular purpose or application or incapable of proper functioning) & discomfort in emotional discussions or conversations

Negative consequences of non-feeling behaviors

• Low self-esteem

• The more unemotional they remain with verbal or emotional people, the more they experience rejection, being ignored, or taken advantage of

• They run the risk of developing ulcers, gastrointestinal complaints, high blood pressure, heart disease & cancer due to unresolved & unidentified feelings

• By denial they can allow situations to get so out of hand that they erupt into major crises or disasters

• They absorb so much pain, hurt & suffering silently that they run the risk of suffering depression, anxiety & neurotic phobias

• They run the risk of medicating their sense of being misunderstood, ignored & forgotten thru abuse of alcohol, drugs, work, food, sex, etc.

• Their behavior can drive others in their life to a point of panic, hysteria, overreaction, or emotional exhaustion

• Their mode of interacting can result in a breakdown in interpersonal relationships until they suffer abandonment by the very ones who love them & reach out to them

• Their behavior can lead to stubbornness & inflexibility; they can become overcontrolling, demanding things be their way or else

• They have problems getting help from counselors because they feel under pressure to reveal feelings they're unable to identify

• They resent the overemphasis on emotions & feelings in a "helping'' environment & can become resistant, terminating such helping efforts prematurely

• They can desire a "status quo,'' forcing those in the environment to repress all feelings & emotions, creating a high stress environment where all members are driven to sick behavior

• Rigid adherence to their behavior can lead them to a perfectionistic, idealistic view of the world where any feelings shown are considered bad; only calm, peaceful coexistence is considered good

• Non-emotional environments can result in fear of conflict & disagreement, ultimately resulting in avoidance of problem solving

• Non-emotional environments can result in a lack of physical intimacy & touching

• Open signs of affection & caring are absent, leading to physical distancing between the members

• A person with rigid adherence to this behavior role can lead others to feel unwanted, uncared for, not respected, insecure & unaccepted; therefore, lowering their self-esteem

Even w/out economic, social & educational equality, there's an inescapable existential equality among us all. In the late 1980's, India's tragically impoverished inspired me to reflect on what was really essential in my life.

These poor souls - poor economically, though rich culturally, spiritually & humanly-- taught me a profound lesson, one I've never forgotten. The homeless poor are everywhere on the subcontinent, & I noticed in the vast majority of them that, though destitute & possessing nothing, they were happy & serene beyond comprehension, a serenity connected with their faith, not their poverty!

Just as Martin Luther King Jr., w/the help of the churches, was able to coordinate the Civil Rights movement, our spiritual leaders can bring the homeless situation to the forefront. Our spiritual leaders are capable of bringing a new sense of conscience to the popular imagination about the seriousness of this crisis, inspiring a change of direction for our society. What was done in the 1960's & 1970's for civil rights can be done in our time for homelessness & other forms of poverty.

As a monk, a mystic in the world, pursuing my spiritual practice each day, I've awakened to the horrible inequity in the sufferings of the homeless persons I've known for so long. I've realized it's no good depending on an often uneven approach of providing shelters & soup kitchens.

We must call on something much more ambitious to transform this problem. We can create such a world, but it demands will & determination; it won't just happen w/out the insight, leadership & the mobilization of a movement.

Contemplatives, mystics & monastics are by nature countercultural. They're in touch, thru desire, vision & experience, w/something ultimate.

Their understanding of reality & value arises from the Source. Their perceptions & estimation of society, of the world, always put them in conflict w/the world's illusions, or more precisely w/the illusions most people entertain about themselves, their desires & hidden agendas.

A monk or mystic contemplative in the mainstream of society is an agent of change, of reform. He or she has a vision of a human world animated by the best qualities of which we're capable, a world where compassion is alive, where love takes precedence over indifference, kindness over neglect & mercy over oppression. Mystics in the heart of society are a source of radical reform, radical in the original meaning of the Latin root radex, which means going to the root.

The reform I have in mind is the most radical of all: the eventual disappearance of cultural & economic selfishness & their replacement w/sharing, compassionate concern, loving kindness & merciful consideration of all. In such a new world, street people will find a real home & the opportunities to cultivate themselves & their God-given gifts, thus allowing their innate preciousness to shine forth.

Messages to avoid in healthy relationships

Most people know that criticism, name calling, sarcastic comments & verbal discounts negatively impact relationships. However, some seemingly neutral words can cause great harm as well.

Take a little word like "but" & analyze its potential damage in couples communication. "I know you're upset, but it wasn’t my fault". The speaker began w/an empathic statement that may have gained him the attention of his partner, "Oh, he understands my frustration".

Once the "but" came in, it cancelled the first part of the sentence & moved the emphasis to the speaker’s defensive need. Now the listener was abandoned & the conversation is likely to evolve around whether or not it was the fault of the speaker.

"I love you, but I'm annoyed by your attitude." Here again the early reassurance of love is lost after the "but". "But" is a word intended to divide a sentence into two parts, the latter of which is highlighted & the former of which gets refuted. It's a useful word in many contexts, but not in emotional exchanges.

It's imperative that partners use the word "and" instead of "but", so that both parts of the sentence are equally heard. "I love you & I am annoyed by your attitude," is more likely to be taken as a loving & helpful comment. In relationship talk, "but" should be considered a 3 letter word - & avoided.

There are also phrases that are harmful to maintaining goodwill in conversations between mates: statements that create doubt about commitment, those that are rejecting & isolating & those that create deep hurt & insecurity.

A challenge to the marital commitment can occur when one partner says: " I don’t know how long I’ll be able to tolerate this." Or, "I can’t take this any longer", or, "nothing seems to ever change", or "I am at the end of my rope," or, "I am totally fed up".

These comments are often said not in reference to the relationship, but about the partner’s untidiness, talkativeness, tardiness, or any other frustrating behavior. Though a direct threat to the marriage is not voiced, a covert threat may be heard. The speaker may not be aware of the seriousness of the veiled challenge to their connection, but may cause the mate to feel uncertain about his commitment to the marriage.

A rejecting & isolating verbal habit is mumbling under one’s breath. Some people who aren't comfortable w/dealing w/problems directly may speak softly to themselves, muttering words of discontent.

When asked what they said, they may respond w/"it doesn’t matter," or "nothing", or "who cares about what I have to say". This person is isolating himself & contributes to being unheard. It's a way of creating a distance between him & his loved ones & it reinforces his sense of being unimportant to his family. Mumbling isolates the partner, leaves the problem unsolved & may be a pattern of ongoing passive hostility.

A partner may feel isolated by being told: "it isn't your business" or "I handled it the way I saw fit". This may imply that the partner’s input is unnecessary. Everything that occurs within the family is both partners business, even if one of then ends up handling it alone. "I decided that the children couldn't do this" may be an isolating message, unless the matter is minor or had been previously agreed upon by both partners.

Other comments that may produce discomfort, hurt & insecurity for partners, come as pronouncements. "I'm the only one in this house who cares about cleanliness, if it were up to anyone else, this place would look like a pig’s sty."

The speaker feels very unappreciated for her efforts & discounts others to increase her sense of value. The listener may feel criticized & hurt. These statements are made as "truths" & aren't interactive. A non-offensive way to deal w/this issue would be for the complainer to ask others in the home to assist her in keeping it clean w/out assigning disinterest in cleanliness as a flaw in their characters.

The healthy way of resolving annoyances is to lovingly state them to the partner & request consideration & change.

To maintain healthy communication patterns in your relationship:

• Substitute "and" for "but" to have your whole sentence heard.

• Avoid statements about life events that may be construed as a challenge to the commitment within the relationship.

• Abstain from using rejecting or isolating phrases.

• Avoid mumbling as a way to vent your frustration.

• Refrain from making positive statements about your efforts, which indirectly discounts others.

• Pay attention to your manner of speech - it's crucial in preserving good communication w/your partner.

Women With Insecurities

Cathy is a very insecure woman whose sole mission in life is to prove that Bill - like all men - is a pig who'll eventually cheat on her w/a better-looking woman. Needless to say, Cathy did a lot of snooping around & before the big dinner date, she accused Bill of seeing another woman.

shame on you

Of course, Cathy never found any proof that he was cheating, but instead of accepting that Bill is a faithful man, she blew up. A few hours before her surprise birthday dinner, she asked him a few questions:

• "So who are you seeing?"
• "Are you sleeping w/another woman?"
• "Who were you on the phone w/3 nights ago?"

And before you knew it, she started slapping him in an uncontrollable rage.

Cathy is about to eat it...

She's a snoop: She wants access to every personal detail of your life. She goes thru your voice mail, reads your e-mail & asks your friends personal questions about you when you're not around.

What kind of questions does your girlfriend ask?

She's too leechy: She needs to be in your presence at all times. Everything about her life revolves around your plans. If she's not standing beside you, then she's on the phone w/you 24/7.

Constant state of paranoia: Anything you do causes her to become suspicious & prompts the following questions:

• "Why are you going to the gym?"
• "Why did you get a haircut?"
• "Why did you buy new underwear?"
• "Why did you shave?"
• "Why did you brush your teeth?"
• "Why are you taking a shower?"
• "Why are you so happy?"
• "Do you still love me?"
• "Why are you breathing?"

You get the point.

Be honest from the start: The best time to be perfectly honest about who you are & what you did in the past is in the beginning of the relationship - when you have nothing to lose. By being open with each other, your ability to communicate on a deeper level will continue to develop.

Avoid lies: Lies tend to surface at some point, so avoid them altogether. Once she knows that you've lied before, what will stop her from thinking that you won't do it again? Remember, if you lie about the little things, she'll definitely assume that you'd lie about the big stuff too.

Communicate: Encourage communication. Describe her behavior & what it means to you. Try something like, "I feel that you become upset when I go out with my friends, is it because you dislike my friends, or because you don't trust me? Or is it something else? When communicating, always use the "Me, I" System.

Don't give her a reason: If you cheat once, then she will always doubt you. If you spend more time with your best friend Amy, then she will doubt you. If you're a chronic fibber, she won't believe you. If you don't want her to become paranoid, then don't open Pandora's box.

Avoid sabotage: Don't ask her questions that you wouldn't want her to ask you. Remember, jealousy & suspicion are contagious, so if you don't want her to act insecure, then don't act like it yourself, otherwise you'll be giving her a reason for concern.

Work together: Set achievable, realistic goals & work toward accomplishing them together. When you do achieve them, celebrate.

Acknowledge her strengths: Fill her in on what she's good at, from dealing with people, to making a wicked meat lover's lasagna. You'll be surprised at the lift it can give her.

Never put her down: Keep up her positive attitude by avoiding negative criticism.

Admire her: Take the time to admire her & let her see that admiration. Give her honest & sincere compliments about her physique, beauty & personality.

Support: Encourage positive thinking & help her deal with any negative thoughts - counteract them with positive ones. Incorporate more positive statements into your day. Begin each day with an affirmation.

Seek counseling: Research has proven that, during the process of counseling, improvement in self-esteem can occur. Counseling provides the opportunity to reevaluate negative beliefs about ourselves formed early in life. New coping strategies can also be learned during therapy.

Recently, I was thinking about the point in my life where I went from a self-conscious, low self-esteemed person to someone who at least likes himself enough that he can go out w/out a jacket & at least, when I was single, date even! Geez, I was such a mess as a young kid. Not outwardly, I suppose, but inner self really wasn't happy. Probably the reason I didn't like the high school years very much.

I've always been a shy person since I was born. Not sure if that my was my disposition fresh out of the womb or if I was a product of upbringing & environment but whatever the case, I was extremely shy. That did NOT help me in high school where I was too shy for my own good & my self-esteem was at the all-time lowest in my life. I always wore a jacket at school, even on the hottest days in SF. I could be sweating like a pig but at school, I'd have a jacket on! Why? Because I was self-conscious about my body & how "thin" I was (when I graduated, I was 5'9" & 115 pounds).

I was so insecure then & could barely even call a girl by her name w/out having heart palpitations & body temperature go up like 10 degrees, causing me to perspire - the last thing you'd ever want. A simple calling back a gal on the phone was difficult because I'd need to build up the courage just to dial ALL SEVEN digits (I'd get up to 6 most times & then hang up). Crazy. But that is what it was like.

By the time I was 26, that's when I realized that it was all really foolish. Part of the problem was the lack of confidence in myself. I had to like me & come to grips w/all of the self-esteem issues & insecurities I had before I could even figure to get my life straight.

It was an adventurous road to do that but after a few years, I could see improvements. I wasn't afraid to go out w/out a jacket, I was gaining weight (though by some standards, I may still be "thin") & I was becoming more comfortable w/who I was & who I wanted to be.

Ultimately, I think that's the right path I took. I decided that I didn't want to be shy. I decided I didn't want to be insecure. And above all else, I decided that I didn't want to NOT like myself as a person. I'm glad I made that choice.

Reason I thought about all of this was because I've seen a number of friends who still have not traveled that road; who are scared to travel it & who are desperately looking to get out of their current lives to find some overall life improvement. I just wanted to say that it can be done, though not always easy, the secret is within you. Insecurity & low self-esteem aren't things you need to live with - it's up to you! Life is too short to not enjoy it.

Offra Gerstein: Relationship Matters

Should parents be their teen-agers’ best friends?

Some adolescents don't actually mean that their parents are their equals, they only use this phrase to connote a close, warm & good feeling they have toward their parents. This, of course is a healthy & most desirable connection.

However, in some families, one or both parents do create parity between themselves & their children. "My mother is a single parent, she & I talk about everything, my dates, her dates, her problems at work, my problems at school, her financial problems, her trouble w/ my father’s child support payments or anything else."

This young woman’s mother does indeed treat her high school age daughter as a best friend.

Best friends are composed of trusting, mutually appreciative equals who feel at ease about sharing their lives’ joys & woes w/each other.

When parents create this kind of a relationship w/their children, they burden their youngsters & deprive them of the guidance, protection, & parenting that they're entitled to.

Adolescents who are living at home need to be parented. They're entitled to receive their parents’ help, support, guidance & role modeling for adulthood. It's inappropriate to expect teens to act as friends to their parents.

Needing to be emotionally supportive & help parents solve their problems, frightens adolescents. Parenting is a one way street from parents to teens - & not vice versa.

Research indicates that parents who "adultize" their children create great insecurities, fears & inadequacies for their youngsters. The protection children deserve from their parents covers their physical well being, their safety & their emotional health.

Children who are supported by protective parents grow to be more confident, emotionally secure & healthier adults.

Protection comes in the form of loving authority that sets the guidelines for teens’ conduct. Parents need to make clear what is or isn't an acceptable behavior & explain why.

They need to expect their children to develop skills that are age appropriate & assign responsibilities & privileges that expand with maturity. Adolescents need those guidelines, even if they test their pliability. Teens need to know what parents expect as basic boundaries, against which they may choose to rebel.

When parents don't set rules of conduct & don't expect certain performance levels, their youngsters have to provide these boundaries for themselves. Most of them are ill-equipped to do so & become bewildered.

When youngsters have complete freedom regarding their study, friends, socializing, curfew, television, sleep or chores, they may brag about their freedom to their friends, but internally feel uncared for, ignored, abandoned & even unloved. Adolescents need limits - not full rein to determine their own lives.

"I thought my parents didn’t care about me, because they let me do whatever I wanted & never questioned me about my actions. I felt scared & very much alone."

This particular teenager ended up getting into drugs to numb his painful feelings. He didn't see his parents’ non-involvement as a sign of their trust in him, he felt ignored & unworthy of their attention. His parents thought they were helping their son by not setting rules or imposing restrictions. They truly felt that freedom would spur their son’s healthy growth.

Some parents want to be loved & approved of by their children & thus refrain from setting limits. Parenting isn't about the parents’ needs but about helping their children mature well.

Helping children with their emotional growth requires listening, questioning & responding respectfully to their children’ questions. Many parents withdraw from conversations with teens because youngsters make it so hard to converse with them. Regardless of how difficult it is to get teens (especially boys) to talk, parents must continue to ask & stay involved. When parents talk, kids listen - even when their nonverbal attitude is sullen, disinterested or put-upon.

Parents who keep communications going with their teens help them develop their own opinions, values & morals & avoid trouble.

Parenting is a huge job, for which most people receive no training. We need to rely on research, role models, other parents, leaders & most of all upon our intuitive sense born of our love for our children.

We must not give up, be our teens’ friends or let them find their own way. We must parent, guide, expect, reward & punish, listen & talk. Above all, we need to be there for our children & not expect them to be there for us while they're still struggling to grow up.

To be a good parent to your teenager:

1. Easily broken, damaged, or destroyed; frail.
2. Lacking physical or emotional strength; delicate.
3. Lacking substance; tenuous or flimsy: a fragile claim to fame.

fra·gili·ty (fr-jl-t) or fragile·ness n.

Synonyms: fragile, breakable, frangible, delicate, brittle
These adjectives mean easily broken or damaged.

Fragile applies to objects that aren't made of strong or sturdy material & that require great care when handled: fragile porcelain plates.

Breakable & frangible mean capable of being broken but do not necessarily imply inherent weakness: breakable toys; frangible artifacts.

Delicate refers to what is so soft, tender, or fine as to be susceptible to injury: delicate fruit.

Brittle refers to inelasticity that makes something especially likely to fracture or snap when it is subjected to pressure: brittle bones. See also synonyms at weak

1: unbiased impartial unconcern

 

2: apathy demonstrated by an absence of emotional reactions [syn: emotionlessness, impassivity, impassiveness, phlegm, stolidity, unemotionality]

 

3: the trait of lacking enthusiasm for or interest in things generally [syn: apathy, spiritlessness]

 

4: the trait of remaining calm and seeming not to care; a casual lack of concern [syn: nonchalance, unconcern] 

1. Injustice; unfairness.
2. An instance of injustice or unfairness: discerned some inequities in the criminal justice system. 

1: having an import not apparent to the senses nor obvious to the intelligence; beyond ordinary understanding; "mysterious symbols"; "the mystical style of Blake"; "occult lore"; "the secret learning of the ancients" [syn: mysterious, mystical, occult, secret, orphic]

 

2: relating to or resembling mysticism; "mystical intuition"; "mystical theories about the securities market" [syn: mystical]

 

3: relating to or characteristic of mysticism; "mystical religion" [syn: mystical] n : someone who believes in the existence of realities beyond human comprehension [syn: religious mystic]

1. a. The act of oppressing; arbitrary & cruel exercise of power:  “There can be no really pervasive system of oppression... without the consent of the oppressed” (Florynce R. Kennedy).

           b.The state of being oppressed.

     2. Something that oppresses.

     3. A feeling of being heavily weighed down in mind or body.

1. The quality or state of being sentient; consciousness.
2. Feeling as distinguished from perception or thought.

sen·tient   

adj

1: endowed with feeling and unstructured consciousness; "the living knew themselves just sentient puppets on God's stage"- T.E.Lawrence [syn: animate] [ant: insentient]

2: consciously perceiving; "sentient of the intolerable load"; "a boy so sentient of his surroundings"- W.A.White

1. Not fully worked out, concluded, or agreed on; provisional: tentative plans.
2. Uncertain; hesitant.

tenta·tive·ness noun.