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The Eye & The Heel - What Do They Have
In Common?
The one is
sensitive, extremely sensitive. The other is insensitive, exceptionally insensitive. Yes, we know they're different. They're
total opposites.
So what do they have in common?
First, let’s examine
the contrast between the two. The eye is so sensitive that even a tiny speck of dust will drive it crazy. Some
people are hurt & offended by just one little word that seems to be spoken against them.
I've heard people say,
“My dad used to beat the boys w/a belt for doing wrong & it didn’t seem to change them, but all he had to do was to ‘look at me’ when I was bad & I'd feel
so terrible & never want to do that again.”
We’ve all seen &
known people who demonstrate this contrast. When a girl talks about a guy who is a ‘real heel,’ what's
she saying? Usually, it’s someone who's very insensitive to her true wants & needs.
He has run roughshod
over her desires or preferences. He doesn’t seem to care how it makes her feel. He just wants to do his own thing. He is all wrapped up in himself. He
has a callused attitude toward others & toward life in general.
All the 'eye' ever wanted
in life was an eyelid – someone to cover her, shield her & protect her from the harmful elements of life. She wanted the warmth & security of
that closeness. She wanted someone who would so blend into ‘her’ life in such a way that they'd become as ‘one’.
She craved being
a part of someone else’s life & letting them be a part of hers. She needed someone who'd recognize her needs & care about her feelings.
So, what does she
get? A real heel! She gets a guy who doesn’t recognize her real needs. He says, “Why don’t you tell me when you want me to buy you flowers?” & she screams back at him, “If
I have to ‘tell you’ when to say “I love you”, I’ll never feel like it’s really coming from you.
“Why can’t
you just do it on your own & make me feel like you really care?"
It's one thing
not to recognize a persons needs & it's another thing to know & not care. Some women will carefully spell it out for their men. They'll explain what they want & what they expect & what they need from them.
But, even then,
the truly insensitive men will not or can't come thru for them. They think they're being real heroes when they say, "I'll give you the money & you
can go down & buy flowers whenever you need them."
Okay! Okay! I'll
flip the coin & show the other side too. It's not just men who can be grossly insensitive.
Women often prejudge men in a biased sort of way, because they don't understand what makes
them tick.
They, too, can
become totally self-centered & absolutely blind to the real needs of their husbands. They want life to revolve around them & when it doesn't they get totally bent out of shape.
There are 392 varieties
of insensitivity which can be displayed in 7,514 ways. Don't quote me though, because I'm
not sure those numbers are accurate. But, it's true that insensitivity can erupt in all
kinds of people & in a multitude of ways.
Life is life. So be it. From
the beginning of time, it's been this way & until the end of time, it shall continue. I'm not trying to eradicate insensitivity from the earth.
The purpose of these words
is to find 1, 2 or maybe even 7 people who'd like to become less insensitive than they are
now. I'm looking for just a few who'd really like to become
more thoughtful of others. I'm looking for someone who'd like to be
a less condemning & a more considerate human being.
Why would a person want to change? Why would anyone want to reverse a
bad relationship & try to make it go in a good direction? Maybe
to save a marriage or to keep from alienating their children any more than they already have. Maybe to get a parent to forgive them before death separates them completely.
Maybe
just to 'feel better about ourselves'. After all, we have to live with us all our
lives. Why would anyone want to beat themselves over the head endlessly when a change of character is possible?
I heard a man say,
"I'm just not emotional." But, that wasn't true. He was an exceptionally sensitive
man, but had some crazy need to bottle up his emotions & not let anyone see them.
Men get angry, hate & feel sorry for themselves all the time. Some men show their emotions & some don't. But, there isn't one human being who doesn't 'feel'.
Everyone has
feelings. And anyone who has feelings can learn to show them & express them….at least a little bit more than they have in the past.
Change is possible if we want to change - if we're highly motivated to change.
One man refused
to be sensitive to his wife's needs & preferences in life. He forcefully ran over her again & again with his harsh & controlling type of behavior. She reached the breaking point & left him. He wouldn't stop calling & coming by the house, so she put a restraining order on him.
He came crying to me,
saying, “I love her & can't live w/out her. I said, "That's sad, because she doesn't
love you anymore & she can live without you!" He told me how he had thought of killing himself. I pointed out the fact that suicide would make sure he'd be without her -
forever.
When he'd
wallowed in his hopelessness long enough, I gave him a little hope. But, I promised him that there was absolutely NO HOPE of getting her back in 3 months, 6 months or 9 months. He'd damaged her trust
& her love & her life so much that nothing short of a miracle would get her to change her mind.
I promised
him that she'd never change her mind if she thought she was going back into the same kind of relationship again. I told him HE'D HAVE TO change!
Until then, he
thought he couldn't change himself. He was what he was & that was that. But, I spelled out the practical steps it would take for him to get back
into that woman's good graces & I told him he'd have to patiently practice those steps continuously for at least a year.
He finally wanted something
bad enough to consider how the other person might feel about certain things.
One year later,
they were together again. 7 years after that the woman told me, "He has never repeated those certain things that I hated." The man had finally considered her feelings & changed his behavior.
They still had problems,
but because he was showing great effort to please her, she also curtailed some of her bad behavior
just so they could make it together.
Unfortunately,
I tried to help another man get his wife back in a similar situation, but it was too late. The damage had been done. No amount
of reassurance would convince the woman that things would change.
Her feelings had been ignored or abused too often & for too long. The situation was irreversible. Insensitivity had claimed another marriage, ruined precious children & deprived a man of constant companionship. Years of misery & loneliness ensued & all for the lack of trying to understand the needs of someone else.
Ahhhhh, but let's flip the
coin again. I've also worked w/a woman
who took her marriage for granted. She was insensitive to the needs of her husband & he started to think he could 'do better' with someone else. Oh, she didn't know that's what he was thinking, because she was so involved in her own selfish pursuits.
Of course,
by the time it was all over, the man was made to look like the bad guy, because of her great need to 'live in denial' about her part in the matter. But, the fact remains, she neglected the 'ounce of prevention' which could have spared her children many years of misery. A little thoughtfulness could have gone a long way toward maintaining a peaceful & loving relationship.
Sure, I've talked
a lot about insensitivity in marriage relationships, but insensitivity knows no barriers. It'll do it's damage anywhere it can. The same could hold true in businesses
of all sorts. When management doesn't think about what people desire or prefer, they go under.
Why do you think they came up with the phrase, "The customer is always right"? Someone realized that the thoughts & feelings of the 'money holders' is important to their success. When you give the customer what he wants, he'll give you what you want. If you don't - you'll never see him again.
It's always been easy
for me to return unwanted merchandise at any of the Wal-Mart stores. Therefore, I keep spending hundreds & hundreds of
dollars w/them.
They know people don't like
hassles when it comes to taking something back, so they've tried to be sensitive to the peoples'
needs. Most of Sam Walton's decisions were made w/the needs of the people in mind. He was sensitive to what they wanted & where
they wanted it. He was rewarded with their business. ]
If you reward others, they'll reward you.
Recently, I talked
a teenager into rewarding his parents w/what they wanted. I painted him a picture of where they were coming from & persuaded
him to be sensitive to their needs & to their mindset. Then, I outlined a plan which caused them to be sensitive
to some of the things he wanted & needed also.
They started rewarding each other
& the constant upheaval in the home ceased.
Can you become more
sensitive? Absolutely. Pretend that you're the other person, w/faults
& failures, w/hopes & dreams. Think of life from their standpoint. Use your imagination.
Know for sure
that the boomerang principle will work for you. Remember that what goes around - comes around. Consider the solemn truth that what you measure out to others will be measured back to you.
Get angry w/someone & they'll react in anger
against you. Criticize someone & they'll quit thinking good thoughts about you. Smile & others smile back. Say 'thank you' & they'll appreciate your politeness.
Express your
love to another & they'll almost certainly feel a twinge of love toward you. Keep it up & you may gradually win them over to your side so that they'll end up loving you in return.
Be rude & rude thoughts will jump up & down inside the one you've offended. Rudeness doesn't make people like you. Sarcasm doesn't win friends
& influence people.
Some mornings I tried
to wake my kids up w/loud singing. They didn't appreciate that. They wanted to wake up more slowly & at their own pace. They weren't ready for 'melodies of joy' after sleeping heavily.
When you know someone
isn't in the mood for 'talk, talk, talk' - why not just leave them alone until they are ready to interact?
Today -
start practicing sensitivity.
Start thinking about others. Start
thinking about how they feel. Think up something you can say or do that will show some sensitivity to their needs.
Think of someone who's been offended by you & make an apology. Think of someone who may be lonely & give them a call or go visit them.
Nothing worthwhile is ever accomplished without practice. So, here's another way to get the practice you need. Simply write 10 names on a piece of paper. Any 10
names that come to mind. Friends or enemies. Don't worry about who they are or anything. Just write
them down.
Then - after the names
are on paper - start thinking of each individual & begin to see life thru their eyes. Think of how they might feel & why they might feel that way. Think of what they might want or need. Start caring about someone you'd normally not care about.
Keep caring about others. Keep cultivating the art & practice of sensitivity. It'll add a whole new dimension to your life.
I promise.
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