  
Giving Guidance
What's New ...
Giving guidance to growing children is a daily task. As they
mature into young adults, guiding questions can have a tremendous influence on their purpose and direction. Diane Sawyer,
reflecting on a conversation that changed her life, tells about 3 questions asked by her father that led her into broadcast journalism.
Sawyer had just finished college and had no clue what she was going to do. A conversation
with her dad gave her fresh inspiration. She writes, "I still remember exactly where we were sitting in the living room, my father and I, when he asked the questions
that still seem to me so simple and profound: 'What is it you love?' he asked and then, 'Where’s the most adventurous place you could do it?' and 'Are you certain it’ll serve other
people?'"
After that discussion, Sawyer knew - kind of - that she wanted to pursue
broadcast journalism. At first, that meant giving weather reports on a local news station. She writes, "I was a disaster."
Apparently nearsightedness kept her from reading the weather maps and one night she
signed off by saying, "The high temperature for today was 78 degrees. Currently, it's 85 degrees." Yet Sawyer continued to
reflect upon her father's 3 questions.
Ultimately, it led her to spend 4 years working in the White House press office.
Although her father died before she rose to fame, his questions and that conversation continue to guide her life today.
To Think About ...
As dads we need to recognize the progression of giving guidance
to our children. In the beginning, we set clear boundaries; as they grow, we teach the principles
& precepts that are critical for them to thrive; later, we ask questions that will help them assess & think thru different situations. As Sawyer's story illustrates, our guidance makes a decisive
difference.
ACTION POINTS for Committed Fathers
- Tell your
child some of the best advice you received when you were his or her age.
- Share a story
about an embarrassing moment you went thru along your career path.
- Ask your child
to repeat one of your most important sayings or principles.
- Discuss Sawyer's
father's 3 questions w/your older children
Learning To Love Yourself
By Leslie Karen Lobell, M.A.
According to the song written by Michael Masser & Linda Creed, Greatest Love of All
"The
greatest love of all / Is easy to achieve / Learning to love yourself / It is the greatest love of all."
I agree that, for many people, self-love may be the greatest & most important love they ever experience in this lifetime.
However, for
so many people, "learning to love yourself" doesn't seem so "easy to achieve."
For most of us,
genuine self-love seems so elusive, so much harder to grasp than we expected. In my last piece, I spoke about the importance of self-love. Now, I'd like to give some practical suggestions - some first steps - on
how to learn to love yourself.
I've made the analogy that, if you keep giving to others w/out giving to yourself, it's like pouring water from a
vessel. If you pour & pour w/out ever refilling it, eventually, it'll run dry.
So, if we're
like that vessel, how do we refill, recharge, re-energize & replenish ourselves, so that we'll have energy & love to give to others & to the world?
The answer is:
by loving & giving to ourselves, first. How do we begin to do this?
There are many ways for us to love & to care for ourselves... The possibilities are infinite. One way to learn to love yourself is to act as if you already do (i.e., "Fake it till you make it").
Taking breaks & having fun are important, as well. Whether alone, w/a friend, or w/a partner, you may want to have a night out on the town: go out for
a nice dinner, go dancing &/or attend the theater, a concert, the ballet or a movie.
If you tend to
be a workaholic - or if you're more a saver than a spender - then perhaps it's time to take a well-deserved, long-overdue vacation.
Of course, treating
yourself doesn't need to involve great expense: you can take a bubble bath, eat dinner at home by candlelight, take a walk on the beach, swim in
the ocean (those waters are very healing) or watch a sunset.
Perhaps you enjoy
taking time to paint or to write. These are just a few ideas... You can put your own imagination to work...
Another way to enhance self-love and self-esteem is to be aware of your self-talk (those things that you say to yourself
inside your head). Speak to yourself in ways that are more kind and less mean or abusive.
Many of us have
very harsh inner critics: When we make a mistake, this critical voice inside our head beats up on us, saying things like,
"That was so stupid! ... I can't do anything right! ... What a loser!"
With awareness, over time, you can "catch yourself" when your self-talk is negative and change the message to something more positive and "ego-enhancing."
Don't just "catch yourself being wrong." "Catch yourself
being right." In other words, don't just catch the voice of your inner critic and stop it from beating up on you.
When you do something
well, or when you find yourself saying the right things to yourself or to others, be sure to reward yourself: acknowledge yourself verbally, give yourself a pat on the back, or treat yourself to something special.
Yet another way you can learn to love yourself is by being in the practice of using positive affirmations. Take some time to come up w/the qualities that you most want to embody. Choose about 2 or 3 to focus on for
any one period of time.
Then try this
for at least a month: Repeat those qualities daily, telling yourself that you're those things, already. Whether or not you
currently believe it, say it anyway... Again, "Fake it till you make it." i.e., take time to tell yourself,
each day:
... whatever qualities
you wish to be. You may want to write out these affirmations & post them someplace where you'll see them regularly: on the bathroom mirror, on the refrigerator door, by the clock
in your bedroom, atop your computer monitor, or somewhere in front of your desk at work.
Even if, at first,
you feel silly or uncomfortable repeating or reading these phrases, you may find that you grow into & become these qualities. You may even realize
that you embodied them all along; you just hadn't realized it.
So, go ahead.
Love yourself. Be good to yourself. Treat yourself well. Replenish yourself. You'll discover
that, the more you love yourself, the more you'll be able to give love to others & the more others will want to be around you & give back to
you.
This is a win-win
situation. Loving yourself will ultimately benefit the lives of others you encounter, as well as your own life.
Copyright
©2000-2001. All rights reserved. Leslie Lobell
giving yourself &
others the gift of silence
Teachable Moments : The Right
Words May Be None at All
by Cynthia Hopkins
"Honey, remember you can tell
me anything; nothing you can say could ever make me stop loving you."
My 8 year-old daughter stood
there, tightly gripping her latest novel. Pressing her lips together, she looked down at the book, then up at me. I could
see the concern growing in her face. Brace yourself, I thought. Be patient. Don't scare her off.
Like the book in her hands,
Emily had always been closed to easy readings. She was a private person, often revealing herself more in her drawings than
in anything she said.
But the evening before, we'd
had one of those rare moments of open communication. A problem that had been troubling her conscience for some time had finally bubbled to the surface.
It seems that a few loose
bolts on the floor of a hardware store had been overwhelming in their attraction. While she had eventually discarded the stolen goods, she had found her guilty conscience more difficult to get rid of.
The crime itself had been
pretty innocuous, but I'd felt it represented principles worth pursuing. We'd talked about stealing & honesty; we'd figured out how to make retribution. Best of all, we sat close together, snug in this intimacy of disclosure, forgiveness, unconditional love. I related relevant anecdotes, citing examples from my own youthful mistakes. Ah yes, now this was parenting.
This evening, however, as
soon as I saw her hesitant look, I knew something was wrong. "You feeling OK?" I asked.
Her look became troubled. Oh no, I thought, perhaps she hadn't told me everything the night before.
So w/a mixture of apprehension, excitement & sympathy, I stood in the doorway of my daughter's room. Reminding myself to pick my battles, I ignored the piles of books & clothes on the floor.
Instead I spoke at length
about openness, communication, how much I loved her. "You know, it's always been important to me that you'd feel we had the kind of relationship where
you could come to me w/ anything, that even though I might not like the information, I'd want to listen, to help, that I'd be on your side.
The simple fact is I love you & nothing you can tell me is going to change that &..." I took another breath, "just remember, you can say absolutely
anything."
But her face only grew more
anxious. Oh dear, I thought, this is really big. Taking a quick mental inventory of the countless parenting books I had pored over since before my Emily's
birth, I tried again.
"Hon, it worries
me to see you like this. If something is troubling you, maybe I can help. Remember, figuring out
the problem is the beginning of the solution."
My daughter started opening
her mouth but closed it quickly again. She reminded me of a tiny goldfish. My heart ached. My poor child; how difficult this
must be for her.
I could feel the urgency building in the room - hers & mine. She looked past me, past the open door, at my face, then at the book in her hands.
Finally, barely holding back her tears, she told me.
"Mom, why do these always
have to be so long? I have this yummy book to read & you keep talking."
Huh? This terrible thing that
was troubling my daughter was her fear that her mother was going to start talking & not stop & most importantly, interfere w/her cherished reading time?
"Really? That's it? That's
all?" I asked, incredulous. My daughter nodded wearily. "That's why you look so upset?"
"Yeah, I just want to read
my book."
A wave of relief washed over me. I hugged my daughter & told her how worried I'd been & how glad I was
that there was nothing else & that I loved her & wanted to remind her of that...
"Mom! Please!"
Oops. Giving her a quick hug & kiss, I resisted the
impulse to cuddle or further elaborate on why I was so proud to be her mom. I said goodnight & heard her breathe a sigh of relief. My own relief turned to embarrassment. I'd been so eager to seize the teachable moment, I'd very nearly strangled it.
A friend once defined poetry
as writing down what you want to say & then taking out all the unnecessary words. Maybe parenting is like that too.
Cynthia Hopkins is a freelance writer &
part-time library assistant in Vancouver, British Columbia, where she lives w/her two children, Emily (9) &
Will (7), who continue to teach her about parenting & words.
Give Life,
Sustain Life, Save Life
God is the Creator
of all 3 areas of life:
-
the giving
-
the sustaining
-
the saving
He has chosen each
of us to carry out certain responsibilities. We can reach our full potential by becoming willing to take the steps under God's direction.
GIVING LIFE: It takes a man & a woman to give life. In
God's plan, this happens when two people love one another, marry & want to start a family.
Often, life is
given as a result of lust, or an "accident" (unwanted pregnancy).
We see "babies having babies." Problems result, such as divorce. Single parents try to sustain life w/out having the tools
to do so. There are various reasons for failure to sustain life in a positive way.
Some parents just
don't want to accept the responsibility of sustaining life; others try to "get even" with each other by pulling the child in two different directions. Some
want "carbon copies" of themselves in raising children & others simply are incapable because of lack of knowledge, love & understanding.
The end result
is often the same: Leave the rearing of the children to "someone else," the school or the juvenile system (the courts). It takes very little effort to give life. It takes a lifetime
to sustain & save life.
SUSTAINING LIFE: Our parents, either natural or adopted, teach us to grow. They educate
us. They guide our lives & act as role models for us. They allow us to experience life & to choose our careers. They
support us in our decisions.
Our parents advise
us, but don't control us. The lead, but don't push they understand, but don't condemn. They love us thru all the seasons of our lives.
When natural parents
can't do these things for various reasons, we look for someone who will. Some of us are very lucky if & when we find people
to fill that role because we are helped to grow & find ourselves. We learn to love ourselves & can then love others.
SAVING LIFE: Jesus came to save our lives. He came thru God's love; by His grace, we have salvation. It's only thru Jesus Christ that we can see God. He reunites us w/our Father,
the Creator.
Jesus paid for
us with His life while we were still sinners. He takes a chance on you & me. We aren't mistakes. We are mysteries, unraveling
the unknown about ourselves each day as we grow & expand, create & discover.
As I look around
& get in touch with all the hurt that has encompassed young teenagers today, I tell them not to bathe in self-pity
because of rejection or a difficult childhood. They are using these misfortunes as an excuse to be "bad".
I tell them to
take life as it comes, - deal with it, conquer every situation that comes their way & appreciate how they got where they're today. Someone gave them life, someone sustained life for them
& someone loved them enough to pay the price to save their lives for all eternity.
As you know, it
takes very little effort to five life. God, in His infinite wisdom, created life & then gave power to His creations to recreate life.
Unfortunately,
life can be given thru lustful actions with no love at all. Sometimes babies are made thru sexual satisfaction without love, sometimes thru incest or rape.
Since life can
be given very easily, it isn't very important how you got here. In today's "modern" technology, life can even be given by way of the test tube (test-tube
babies). It can be given by implanting a sperm into an egg & having a surrogate mother carry the baby until it's
born.
Many times, the
person who brought you into the world is unable to sustain your life. Some of us had natural parents who gave us life & then gave us away. The put us up for adoption
or left us on doorsteps.
Genealogy isn't
as important as having someone to nurture & love you, - to bring you up. If no one would take the newborn & begin to mold it, teach it, take care of it, feed & nourish it as you would take care of a flower, then that life would soon die.
Often someone other
than your natural parents will teach & guide you, bring you up thru school, direct & sustain your life. Many of us
go thru our entire lives & go no further than this second phase.
I'd like to introduce
to you the most important phase. Meet God, Who thru His only-begotten Son Jesus will take that given & sustained life & save it for eternity,
so that you'll never die.
Thru grace, He
saves your life & then helps you find your real purpose here. It's the power you receive thru Christ Jesus that gives you a more fruitful life.
Sooner or later,
we accept the fact that we do a pretty poor job of sustaining & maintaining our own lives. Once we allow Jesus to take charge of
our lives thru the Holy Spirit, we find our true purpose in life.
In giving your life to Jesus, you'll be directed & sustained & you'll find the void filled up. The missing
link within each of us is the yearning to communicate with our Creator, our Father God.
So I'm telling
you, young people, don't continue to have pity on yourselves about the hurts or your biological mother or your genes. Know you can't do anything by yourself. You need love; you need others.
Become more concerned with what you do with the life that has been given to you. The important thing is that you can have a fruitful & successful life.
Jesus is the only
One Who can give you that fruitful life as well as eternal life. He loves you & it's His desire that you accept Him as your Lord & Savior, so you can walk with Him always.
Each one of us
has a built-in need to see God & worship Him. We can't do this on our own; we've fallen short. Only thru Jesus can we have this most-needed fellowship. He stands with open arms, hoping that we'll use our free will & choose Him.
Copyright ©1990, 2002
Giving Your Marriage a Second Chance
Mr. Stone
If you're considering divorce,
this means, of course, that your marriage isn’t working.
And that raises all sorts
of questions about you & your marriage that are emotionally difficult – you may be filled with self-doubt, shame, guilt, anger &/or fear. This can make it very hard to be fair to yourself, your spouse, your marriage, your loved ones & your future.
Let’s think this thru.
An assessment of your marriage
– its history, current reality & future possibilities – is usually not a rational calculation of pros &
cons. It emerges from feelings like:
- "I feel trapped"
- "I just can’t take it anymore"
- "I feel like I'm dying emotionally"
Or you feel it thru your children
– "this marriage isn't good for them" – which means that it isn't good for you.
Beyond feelings of disappointment & hurt, you may notice that you're shutting down emotionally, or that you've been emotionally shut down for a long time.
These emotional realities
need to be honored. Try doing something based on your feelings before the emotional shutdown process locks in. Shutdowns are very hard to reverse.
First, try to determine whether
change is possible within your marriage. Is there flexibility in the marriage patterns? Is there still enough emotional openness & caring to try to change?
You have options. Most options
involve doing something new. What are the obstacles?
Fear is a big obstacle. Change usually happens when people decide to no longer act solely on basis of their fears. What are your fears? Try imagining acting without fear.
The possibility of conflict is another obstacle. Confronting the marital problem can result in hurt feelings, panic & arguments. This is the "sound of change." The key is to keep the change going, to stick with it. Be firm rather than "reactive." Firmness will communicate that you're serious. "Reactivity" (responding to anger w/anger, giving in, etc.) will keep you stuck.
Uncertainty can be a big obstacle. Change always involves leaving behind the certainty of the rut, the predictability of stalemate, the safety of the familiar.
Be ready to face the uncertainty of not knowing whether your marriage will survive. Real change usually won’t happen until both partners experience the stark reality of being uncertain about whether the marriage will survive.
Being caught in a repetitive
"script" is a serious obstacle. Marriages usually succumb to patterns & emotional issues that overwhelm them & reduce them to repetitive interactions that go nowhere.
Try to identify these patterns
& issues - your spouse’s & your own – & to confront them. They're usually rooted in your lives prior
to marriage. Counseling can be very helpful in this regard.
Being "stuck" in complementary
roles is another obstacle. Most marital problems involve people being stuck in roles in which personal growth has be curtailed
& in which they function as only half of a full person: "I'm the parent, he's the child"; "I'm creative, she's boring";
"I do the bills, he spends money foolishly," etc.
Try being more separate &
complete - reclaim for yourself the "other half" which has been your spouse’s role. Separation is the best chance to
become a full person; the "irresponsible spouse" has to become more responsible, the "soft spouse" will have to become "hard," etc.
Personal growth can begin
again. "Separation" can involve going back to school, reviving friendships, or getting a new job. For some, separation may
involve returning home to parents or trying out a "fantasy relationship."
Because these steps can highlight
the difficulties that undermined the marriage in the first place, such separations provide an opportunity for the original
problem to be worked thru & for each partner to become more realistic about the marriage.
Not being able to express
your loving feelings is an obstacle. Try taking the initiative in expressing love, but do it on your own terms. Notice how "being loving" has become defined in certain ways ("if you loved me, you would…") & caught up in the repetitive patterns of "if only…" or "you first…."
Try breaking out of these
constraints & surprising your spouse with some unexpected loving. You can be unpredictably caring & delightfully confusing. You can suspend the demands you've been making as preconditions to loving. There's a chance that, once you suspend the demands, your spouse will "spontaneously" begin to do what you've been demanding.
It’s worth a try!
In any case, before the emotional
shutdown, you have the opportunity to "assess" your marriage - its
limitations & its possibilities, if any. Who knows what might happen?
The True & Magnificent Power of Giving - By Michael Lee
You've probably heard of the popular saying "It's
better to give than to receive." But do you actually know what hidden power lies within this magnanimous act known as "giving?"
When
you give something from your heart without expecting anything in return, you release a powerful force that will trigger your good deed to "bounce" back to you in amazing & sometimes unusual ways.
I firmly believe that whatever you impart to others will come back to you a hundred fold. You're doing yourself a big favor by helping
someone in need. By doing even the smallest acts of generosity, you're inviting good vibrations to come into your life.
You'd be earning the respect & love of your recipients. You know that you'll always have a loyal group of friends who would help, protect & do anything for you just because they feel that they have to repay you in any way they can.
Most people would have the urge or drive to reciprocate
any act of kindness you've shown them.
However, this doesn't mean that you must expect them to repay you. Give without any expectation of rewards. Don't do it just because you have an ulterior motive. Give unconditionally.
Give because you're happy doing it. The universe will get back to you in its own special way.
Speaking of happiness, the act of giving can summon the spirit of joy to come
into your heart. How would you feel when you've given something to your less fortunate neighbors?
Let me tell you that nothing could brighten up my day more than hearing them express their most heartfelt gratitude & seeing their smiles extend from ear to ear.
Giving is also a healthy habit.
It could prolong your life by instilling within you an inner sense of peace & accomplishment.
Just like all things in life, giving has its limitations. Being too generous can have its toll. Your kindness might be taken advantage of & people might abuse your good intentions. Beware of individuals
who are continuously seeking your aid.
It's better to teach them how to solve their problems
than to always attend to their needs.
As one saying goes ...
"Give them some fish & you'll feed them for a day. Teach them how to fish &
you'll feed them for a lifetime."
Lastly, here's what I consider the most important rule about giving. Keep your good deeds to yourself. Don't announce to the whole world
that you've donated $100,000 to your favorite charity or that you've helped save a child from a life-threatening disease.
If you really desire to give, do it secretly & in private. Some people would write "anonymous" rather than
their own names when they've made a contribution. The universe smiles upon these individuals & they'll get their just
rewards in due time.
Now that you know how wonderful it is to give, would you go out to the world & share your blessings?
Assertiveness: Giving Is Not Giving In! - by Azriel Winnett
Recently,
a reader of my ezine inthe UK (let's call her Sally) e-mailed me with a
seemingly desperate plea for help.
"For the past few months, I have
been attending a course in communicating," she began.
"We learned some techniques for assertiveness, and with strangers they
work. But the husband - well, he's not so easy to sort out!
"When we arrive home
after a day's work, I might ask him: 'Did you have a good day? Where did you go?' I'm lucky if I get sort of a grunt by way
of reply & then the onslaught begins:
-
'What on earth made you do such-&-such
today?
-
And if you insist on doing it, why
did you do it in such-&-such a way?'"
Sally
says that the conversation invariably ends with further biting criticism from her husband. He will berate her mercilessly
for not doing what he told her to do, or for not doing it properly.
"I know I should
be doing what they told me to do in the course," confesses Sally. "I should be telling him: 'I feel hurt when you talk to me in this way,' or, 'I'm afraid I don't agree with you.'
"But I find it
very difficult to do that. I remain silent & dumbstruck & before long, my silence turns to frustration &
anger."
"Recently," adds Sally, "I have been trying to apply another technique that
I learned about at a web site. They said you should pretend that your lips are glued tightly together, so that your personal
quarrels don't get out of hand. Then imagine you're covered in wax & all the destructive criticism runs off the wax. You
know something - this is working. But it's being passive, rather than assertive, isn't it?"
"Can
you help me with some suggestions on how to apply assertiveness skills in a marital relationship?" urges Sally.
I must make it clear that I'm neither an expert nor a professional in the area of human communication.
I'm just a writer with a keen interest in the subject, which I've been studying for some time. All I can do is make some observations
that may have a bearing on Sally's dilemma.
The glued-lips technique is excellent
in the right circumstances. If we are tied into a relationship in which we are continually hurt & there's no way to get
thru to the other party, such a strategy is be a lifesaver.
There's no
sense in allowing yourself to be miserable. Indeed, I'll go even further -silence in the face of provocation can be
a great way of showing love & concern.
But when you practice it, you're walking
on a tightrope. You could just possibly be mistaking heroism for cowardice. If this is so, it could be downright dangerous.
Many of us have heard of reports like the following one:
"A neighbor of mine used to drop in whenever I was busy with
all sorts of tasks. Without fail, she would find something to criticize in what I was doing. At first it drove me mad, even
though I knew she really meant well. But I decided to bear it in silence & was determined not to let her behavior undermine
my sense of self-worth. But inside, I still resented her. Then one day, she made an innocent remark & I exploded with
all my suppressed rage. Yes, I thought I was humble, but in reality I was cowardly. There's so much pain on both sides now,
that I wonder if we can ever have a normal relationship again!"
Sally, I don't want
this to happen to you. Neither to your husband. You're both the most important people in each other's lives - or should be!
But if Sally has learned so much about assertiveness techniques & has even successfully put
them into practice, what are the roadblocks that prevent her from applying them with her own husband? (And her problem is far from unique, by the way.)
Clearly,
I know nothing about Sally's background, her personality, and her fears (although in her
message, she comes across as a warm & intelligent person). I can only suggest a few factors which, if
they don't apply in her situation, do in many similar ones.
Assertiveness is often confused with impudence or aggression.
Aggressive people seek conflict because they need to feel dominant or superior. Control of others gives them a sense of importance. By being assertive, on the other hand,
your aim is not to feed your vanity or your ego.
Ideally, assertive people are motivated not by hate, but by love. When they fight, it's only to protect ideals & values that they strongly believe in. When they try to protect
their dignity as a human being, not to mention their physical & mental health, they're simultaneously protecting their
ability to give to those whom they love.
Aggressive people are destructive. Assertive people are constructive.
What stops you from being assertive, even when you want
to be?
A major reason is fear. It seems to me that this fear often intensifies when the other party is someone very close to you.
You might be afraid
of being condemned - as incompetent, stupid,lazy, inconsiderate, or whatever. When someone makes an unreasonable demand
on you, you don't want to be thought of as selfish. If somebody calls you inefficient, you might fear being called something worse if you answer back.
In all these cases - or so you
you think to yourself - you would end up feeling rejected & unloved. If the other person is a particularly significant
one in your life, this is a situation you'd especially want to avoid.
What will
happen, you might reason subconsciously, if my husband or wife (or whoever) shuts
me out of his or her life completely? Or does something even worse?
You might fear hurting the other person's feelings, regardless ofhow he or she has hurt yours. People who are especially vulnerable & afraid of rejection, sometimes assume that others have the same fears.
"If I speak honestly, I'll destroy him!" you might think.
Occasionally, these fears are justified. Let's say you have a boss who abuses you, but if you speak up, there's a real danger that he will fire you. In such a case, you have to decide: either suffer
in silence, or find another job.
But far more frequently, there's no substantial
basis for these fears. Usually, they wiggle their way in to your thought system thru conditioning. And once they're there, they can be pretty hard to dislodge.
What's
the solution? I don't know. . Most skills, however, are acquired by practice. Plenty of practice.
Sally, you know you can do it & you will. You, too, are created in the image of G-d. Your sense of self-worth & your emotional stability are important to you. They can't be negotiated away.
Why?
Precisely because you're *not* selfish! Like all people, you have so much to give - & you badly want to give. But don'tmake a mistake. Giving isn't giving in. But not giving in,
you're protecting & enhancing your ability to give of your self in the fullest sense.
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On Giving
(An excerpt from "The Prophet" by Kahlil Gibran)
Then said a
rich man, Speak to us of Giving.
And he answered:
You give but
little when you give of your
possessions.
It is when you give of yourself that you
truly
give.
For what are
your possessions but things
you keep and guard
for fear you may need them tomorrow?
And
tomorrow, what shall tomorrow
bring to the overprudent dog
burying bones in the trackless sand as he follows the
pilgrims
to the holy city?
And what is fear of need but need itself?
Is
not dread of thirst when your well is full,
the thirst that is unquenchable?
There are those
who give little
of the much which they have-
and they give it
for recognition and their hidden desire
makes their
gifts unwholesome.
And there are those who have little and give it all.
These are the believers in life and the bounty of life,
and their coffer is never empty.
There are those who give with joy,
and their joy is their reward.
And
there are those who give with pain,
and that pain is their baptism.
And there are
those who give and know not
pain in giving, nor do they seek joy,
nor give with mindfulness of virtue:
They give as in yonder valley the myrtle
breathes its fragrance into space.
Through
the hands of such as these God
speaks, and from behind their eyes
He smiles upon the
earth.
It is well
to give when asked, but it is
better to give unasked, through understanding:
And to
the open-handed the search for
one who shall receive is joy greater than giving.
And
is there aught your would withhold?
All you have shall some day be given:
Therefore give now, that the season of
giving may be yours and not your inheritors`.
You often say,"I
would give, but only to the deserving."
The trees in your orchard say not so,
nor
the flocks in your pasture.
They give that they may live,
for to with-hold is to perish.
Surely he who is worthy to receive his
days and nights, is worthy of all else from you.
And he who has deserved to drink from
the ocean of life deserves to fill his cup from your
little stream.
And what desert greater shall there be,
than that, which lies in the
courage and the
confidence, nay the charity, of receiving?
And who are you that men
should rend
their bosom and unveil their pride,
that you may see their worth naked and their pride unabashed?
See first that you yourself deserve to be
a giver,and an instrument of giving.
For in truth
it is life that gives unto life-
while you, who deem yourself a giver are but a witness.
And you receivers-
and you are all
receivers- assume no weight of gratitude,
lest you lay a yoke upon
yourself and upon he who gives.
Rather rise together with the giver on his gifts as on wings:
For
to be overmindful of your debt,is
to doubt his generosity who has the
free-hearted earth for mother,and God for father
Kahlil Gibran's book, published in 1923 is especially relevent and helpful
for these
times and is a wonderful gift for yourself or a loved one.
"The Prophet"
Giving Yourself
a Break Finding the Ease in Parenting
by Aleta Koman, Edward
Myers
Many people leap into parenthood
with an impulsiveness they'd never allow in any other aspect of their lives. But, as we know, parenting requires enormous work, time, energy, maturity
and selflessness.
This capacity for selfless behavior is a core component of the human personality, but our culture often stresses its polar opposite - personal gratification, a "me-first" attitude that doesn't square with the requirements of parenthood.
Many of parenting's satisfactions are subtle; some occur after long periods of waiting; most of them are internal. What makes parenthood delightful is the
joy of loving, the joy of giving, the joy of nurturing. Make the commitment, again and again.
Adjust Your Attitude
* Focus on Process, Not Product.
Don't be obsessed with end results; instead, emphasize the experience of simply doing what you're doing.
* Tolerate Disorder. If you
can't tolerate a degree of benign disorder, parenthood will drive you nuts. Try not to be too rigid.
* Deal Openly with Guilt. For parents, guilt goes w/the turf; it's easy to feel you're somehow short-changing your child. Yet guilt serves no purpose and generally complicates any situation.
* Prioritize. The key to sanity
is reducing the number of activities. Simplify your schedule. Make sure to pad in time for transitions.
Nurture Yourself
Being a parent is probably the least selfish aspect of your life. But focusing intently on your children may prompt you to lose yourself
in the shuffle. You can't run on empty; you need to nurture yourself as well as your children.
* Lower Your Standards. If
you can lower your standards selectively, you'll ease the pressure you feel to succeed in every way all the time. Giving yourself a break will boost your self-confidence, which in turn will benefit your kids.
* Improve Your Skills. This
recommendation seems to contradict the previous suggestion, but parenthood introduces a need for an enormous variety of skills - baby care, communication, logistical planning, cooking and so forth.
Many of these skills can be
improved with practice.
* Seek Solitude. Obtaining
time alone isn't easy, but even the briefest solitude can help mend frayed nerves.
* Seek Company. This isn't
a contradiction: in addition to time alone, you may need more people in your life. Seek good company: relatives, friends, backup care, a parental support group, or an organized playgroup can lighten your parenting load.
* See Parenthood as a Spiritual Path. Many religious traditions, including Judaism, Christianity and Buddhism, uphold that attending
to others' needs can foster self-fulfillment.
Couples: Work together, but
accept your different parenting styles
* Accept the Differences as a Net Gain. Researchers have found that men and women parent their children differently. Children generally benefit from both parents'
styles.
* Don't Undercut Your Partner. Sometimes
one parent feels so strongly about doing things a certain way that he or she inadvertently undercuts the other parent. Give each other room to experiment, learn and grow. Validate and encourage one another.* Divide Up Chores in Advance.
Map out responsibilities. Make lists outlining chores, who's performing them and deadlines. Share tasks whenever possible.
* Make Time for Couple Time. This
is the relationship that is the foundation of your family. Set aside at least 2 hours a week to nurture one another as partners.
Pay attention to each other, listen closely and find time for your sexual relationship.
Go at Your Child's Pace
* Let Your Kid Be a Kid. Many
parents misperceive what kids can do at particular developmental stages. Don't push too hard & don't rely too much on
what others are doing - you know your child better than any manual or developmental grid ever will.
* Set Limits. Letting your kid be a kid doesn't mean that you avoid setting appropriate limits; on the contrary, limit-setting is crucial. Gentle discipline & guidance will help your child grow into a responsible adult.
* Make Time for Play. Too
often adults see play as frivolous activity, but this is how children learn, relate to others, discharge stress & explore
the world.
* Celebrate the "Mundane." Emphasize the importance of everyday activities. Rather than signing your child
up for lessons & special activities, just spend more time together.
Make Your Home a Haven
Try to create a peaceful, relaxed environment at home, a calm place where children can unwind, disengage from their own demanding lives & enjoy themselves &
their family members w/out a lot of distraction.
* Downplay Structures & Schedules.
Let your children take more substantial control of what they want to do. Playing alone, hanging out w/friends, reading, or even staring out the window are all important.
* Expect the Unexpected. One of the things children teach parents is to be "in the moment." You can never truly predict what they'll need, or when. Go ahead & make plans, but be prepared to reschedule.
* Engage in Spiritual Practices. If your family is part of a religious tradition, take time to participate in its family-oriented or community activities.
If you have no ties to organized religion, consider practicing some kind of independent spiritual activity - doing yoga, meditating, creating art, practicing or listening to music, or contemplating nature.
* Disengage from Compulsive Consumerism.
The constant pursuit of material well-being tends to intensify stress within most families. Your family doesn't need more gadgets, goodies & belongings. Make do w/what you already have. Focus
on being rather than buying.
Above all, savor what you
have. As an old saying puts it, "The days are long, but the years are short." The child who so recently learned to walk will
be off to college sooner than you can imagine. Watch your children closely; listen carefully; open your heart to who she is & what she feels.
There's nothing more challenging, exhilarating & fulfilling than to look after your children w/love, laughter & wonder as you watch them & yourself - grow.
Aleta Koman is a child and family therapist & the on-air expert
for family & parenting issues for CBS-TV in Boston. She is also the parent educator for Families First & Workplace
Connections.
Edward Myers is the author of several books, including When Parents
Die: A Guide for Adults. Together Koman & Myers have co-authored the book
How to Mend a Broken Heart: Letting Go & Moving On.
Adapted from The Parenting Survival Kit: How to Make It Through the
Parenting Years w/Your Family, Sanity & Wallet Intact. Used w/permission of Perigee Books, a member of Penguin Putnam,
Inc. Copyright 2000 by Aleta Koman, M Ed, and Edward Myers.
COPYRIGHT 2000 Mothering Magazine
COPYRIGHT 2000 Gale Group
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I've found that the greatest
single cause of insufficient success (not merely failure, but also inability to reach one's true potential) of entrepreneurs is a lack of permission from themselves. That's
right-a very large number of risk-taking, assertive, creative people don't allow themselves to maximally succeed.
"Success" can be defined in a myriad of ways:
- financial
- contribution to the community
- personal learning
- helping others
- business growth
- creation of a legacy & so on
But no matter what your own,
personal definition, it's important to allow yourself to truly reach & exceed your own aspirations.
(I realized once, when a realtor
was showing me a beautiful home in California that I found to be wonderful & which I could afford, that my reality had
caught up w/my aspirations. That's not necessarily good, because it bespeaks complacency.)
I hear too many people in
my mentor program & too many colleagues state that they don't deserve something, they have no right to charge higher fees
& that they feel "guilty" making certain demands of a client.
These are self-imposed limitations, not due to any prevailing ethical or moral considerations, but rather due to low self-esteem. But the result is as paralyzing as a competitor stealing your best clients or a technology rendering your approaches obsolete.
Here are some suggestions
which will enable & empower you to permit yourself to enjoy your own success & maximize your own potential:
- Get rid of the anthropomorphic little guy on your shoulder
who keeps whispering "You shouldn't" & "Who do you think you are?" When you hear yourself making those sounds, simply say, "Why not?" & "Who says I can't?"
- Understand the causes of your success. We focus far too much on the causes of our setbacks & failures & not nearly enough on the reasons for out success. Only by doing the latter can we understand why we succeed & can we replicate the factors required for our success. It's more important to know WHY you're good than THAT you're good.
- Ask others for feedback. Find out why they think you're successful. Seek out trusted others who can provide perspective on what you should & shouldn't reasonably expect. (One person recently asked me about a project fee of his that was so low I told him the client
wouldn't possibly think him credible at that level. He tripled the fee & got the business.)
- Set your own, internal measures for what will constitute your
success. External feedback-especially when unsolicited-places too much emphasis on the subjective opinions of others & their own needs. Only your internal measures will enable you to achieve self-mastery & truly appreciated when you're successful & the extent of that success.
Many people can increase their
effectiveness immediately by allowing themselves to be more effective immediately. Ironically, we often are our own worst
enemies, but we can just as easily be our own best friends.
"Tell Your Child What To Do - Successfully"
Why don't kids always do what we ask?
Most parents
are experts at telling their kids what to do. James, do this. Carol, do that. No no no, not that! Yeah, yeah,
good. NO!!!
This technique, which I refer to as instruction, is essential for teaching children new behaviors
and helping them refine behaviors in progress.
Yet, do you ever find that the message isn't getting across? Courses of action that seem perfectly
logical to you and I may require numerous repetitions for a child to make sense of them and perform them consistently. Why?
Kids don't automatically get it. They're still developing their sense of judgment and tend to employ a trial and error approach to learning new behaviors, which means lots of errors before they get it right
on a consistent basis. Even if a child can perform a task successfully, she may still mess up from time to time (unfortunately, this continues into adulthood, too).
Kids like to experiment and try things their own way.
This explains how I find crayon marks on my wall and pieces of hot dog in my VCR. Why not?
To my kid, a wall seems as good a place as any to scribble and draw.
And who knows
if that hot dog will make a delightful movie play on the screen? Although this creative experimentation can create major headaches
for parents, it can also create some great successes and positive learning for children in certain situations.
Our challenge is to maintain patience along the way and tolerate some headaches without punishing or suppressing our child's
creative thought process.
Kids need to challenge your instruction on some level.
They give up a lot of control when they receive commands and follow them. Who really enjoys being told what to do, anyway?
Although children
realize it is necessary to follow commands, they will often look for opportunities to challenge a parent's instruction, either directly with "No" or indirectly with passive resistance, delay, or excuses.
Again, this is
a sore spot for most parents and if children are allowed to escape from following directions, they can develop increasing
non-compliance and defiance as they get older. Still, challenging or questioning authority has many healthy,
adaptive purposes, such as distinguishing fair laws from unfair laws (i.e., discriminatory laws
prior to the Civil Rights Act) and questioning human rights practices.
Children must
integrate this skill into their ability to receive and process instructions, while at the same time developing socially appropriate
responses that don't defy parents.
So, how do you tell your child what to do and get results consistently? Trick question: you won't get him to do what you want all the time and you don't have
to, either. He will occasionally respond with errors, experiments and challenges.
However, the following steps are likely to improve the frequency and accuracy of your child's
response to instruction:
- Demonstrate behaviors for your child before telling her to perform them; participating in the
activity together can also help speed her learning
- Make sure you have your child's full attention before giving an
instruction
- Explain the steps of a behavior as simply as possible
- Give instructions when you're confident that your child is willing and able to carry them out; otherwise, you may be in for
a power struggle. You must be prepared to enforce follow-through once
you give an instruction, or your child will learn to escape from responsibilities
- For older children, explain the rationale for a behavior, as well as the consequences for not
following the proper steps
- Repeat the instruction (& have the child repeat the behavior)
consistently so a routine develops
- Watch your child's responses closely; prompt him to perform the behavior correctly as he goes,
rather than waiting for him to make a mistake and correcting it later
- Praise your child's compliance, cooperation, effort and attempts that come close to the behavioral
response that you want; encourage her to keep trying until she gets it right
- Save your best praise for appropriate responses to your instructions and correct your child's
mistakes in a gentle and supportive manner
Copyright 2003, Jason Sackett, LCSW, Inc.
10350
Santa Monica Blvd., Suite 310
Los Angeles, CA 90025
(310) 251-2885
The Mystical Power of Giving - By Paul Ghezzi
One of the most powerful actions you can take in creating your abundant life is to learn to give unconditionally.
Giving can be can be an extremely powerful magnetizing force in your life because it can
take place simultaneously at the physical, mental & spiritual plane of existence.
The
laws that govern giving & receiving are both scientific & spiritual. In scientific
terms Newton’s third law of motion states that for every action there is an equal & opposite reaction. In spiritual
terms as we sow, so shall we reap. When we put these laws into action we attract and create the abundance which we desire.
When
most people think about giving, they think about donating money or tithing a percentage of their income. Although a very important
component, discussed in more depth in Abundant Finances with Ease, giving is much more than money. Others think about giving
and fall into the illusion of scarcity by declaring “What do I have to give?”. The act of giving directly challenges
our lopsided perceptions and beliefs about scarcity and lack.
Begin to bring the mystical power of giving into your
life by defining giving from a multi-dimensional aspect. Ask yourself, “What can I give spiritually, mentally and physically?”.
Here are some examples:
Spiritually
• Unconditional love
• Prayer for the abundance of others
•
Gratitude without judgment
Mentally
• A kind thought
• A kind word
• Support and encouragement
Physically
•
Your time to worthy causes
• Your financial resources to worthy causes
• Your ideas, wisdom and knowledge
Learn
to expand your inventory of what you believe you have to give. In return for your expression of love, trust and of faith you
will receive, in direct proportion, the abundance that you desire. Whenever you feel you are experiencing lack or limitation
the action of giving will open you up to something greater.
To fully experience the power of giving you must give from
a place of love and trust. If you give to get something back or give out of guilt or remorse you will not open up the abundant
channels of the universe. Your source of giving cannot be selfishness or fear. Put this action into practice and pay close
attention to the small miracles that begin to show up instantaneously.
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v) giv·en, (g
v
n) giv·ing, gives 
