What is intimidation?

 Intimidation is:

• Threatening to use power or control to get others to do what you want them to do.

• Using coercion or force to get what you want from others.

• Making others feel like you're more powerful or forceful than what you really are.

• Wearing a mask of being "untouchable'' so that people keep an emotional distance from you and yet do for you what you desire.

• Using verbal and nonverbal cues to let others know you're not going to reward any unfaithfulness to what you desire them to do for you.

• Using verbally, physically, sexually, or emotionally abusive behaviors to get people to "stay in line.''

• Using physical size, stature and strength to get others to respect and obey you.

• Using punishments such as firing, poor evaluations, divorce, spanking, physical fights to get people to do what you want.

• Using quick temper, anger, or rage to get people to do what you want.

• Holding your knowledge, level of education, number of degrees over the heads of others to get them to listen to and obey you.

• Convincing others that you're the "only one'' with enough experience, wisdom, intellect and insight to give direction or to have the "correct'' answers to life's problems.

• Acting in such a way that no one would dare question or stand up to you over any of your decisions, opinions or directives.

• Using your money, wealth, or status to put others into their place so that your power over them is secured and not questioned.

• Keeping others loyal to you by threats of pulling back your support, love, caring, interest, or approval of them.

• Using dictatorial, Gestapo, or autocratic behaviors to get people to do what you want.

• Unintentional verbal or nonverbal cues which put people on guard when they're with you.

What are the negative effects of intimidation? If you continue to use intimidation to control others, then you'll:

• Find people developing emotional barriers in their relationships with you so that they're no longer vulnerable to being hurt by your control.

• Be at risk of being accused as being emotionally, verbally, physically, or sexually abusive in your dealings with others.

• Find that the costs of "getting your way'' all of the time are greater than you expected when you find yourself lonely and disconnected from others.

• Believe that the only goal in life is succeeding in getting your way at any cost and become totally consumed in the pursuit of acquiring power, control, position and status.

• Run the risk of becoming a pathetic, lonely, isolated person with few close relationships and many enemies out to get their revenge against you.

• Experience a great deal of passive aggressiveness thrown your way by the people you're trying to control.

• Risk becoming more absolute and rigid in your exercise of power and control and become more defensive about any personal criticism of your actions or beliefs.

• Begin to prefer "rejecting'' people before they reject you and find yourself becoming increasingly socially isolated and alienated from others.

• Not be accepted, approved of or sought after by others who will never get a chance to see the "real you'' whom you've locked behind your intimidating mask.

• Feel like you're really a "teddy bear'' underneath it all and bemoan that people never take the time to get to know this side of you.

• You might even lie and say you don't care if they never get to know that side of you, even though emotionally you know differently.

• Run the risk of becoming more depressed as you become more isolated and find that your anger and rage flare ups increase.

• Experience even lower self-esteem due to the lack of acceptance by others.

How is intimidation a control issue? Intimidation is a control issue because it:

• Places the "focus of control' not "internally" on the person who is doing what you want them to do but "externally" on you the intimidator.

• Is an attempt to get others to do what you want them to do.

• Involves use of control strategies such as threats, pressure, power, force, or coercion.

• Gets others to do what you want not because they freely want to do it but because of your control over them.

• Uses the power of the fear of your rejection, disapproval and anger to get others to comply with your requests.

• Robs free choice and free will from those people whom you have intimidated.

• Makes others victims of your power and control needs.

• Doesn't always occur intentionally and can occur when a person gives you power and control to get what you want because they feel intimidated by your size, behavior, demeanor, anger, intellect, verbal skills, etc.

• Is a shifting of the power over oneself to being under the power of another, be it done intentionally or not.

• Weakens the will to survive in those who feel beaten down, abused and oppressed by the intimidator.

What irrational thinking leads to the use of intimidation of others? 

• I'll use whatever it takes to get them to obey me.

• No one will ever get away with showing a lack of respect for my position of authority, leadership and dominance.

• People should always do what I tell them no matter what. (note from kathleen stuck in here! remember to eliminate that word, "should" from your vocabulary and replace it with the word, "need.")

• I'd feel out of control and weak if people didn't always do what I wanted them to do.

• They owe me respect, obedience and compliance with all of my requests because I'm in charge of them.

• What I say goes around here. No if's, and's, or but's.

• You hear that! I know more than they do so they should listen to me and do what I tell them to do.

• They owe it to me. After all, look at all I have done for them.

• If they dare question or buck me on this, they'll have to leave here.

• No one has a right around here to ignore me or my requests since I earn the money which they need.

• Just step out of line once and I'll knock your head off.

• People only respond to threats, coercion and power plays around here.

• I get more out of people when I get angry at them.

• As long as I'm the strongest or most intelligent or the wealthiest around here, they'll do what I tell them to do.

• It takes too much time to get consensus or compromise, so as long as they do what I want we'll all be happy around here.

• They're sick people and I'm the only healthy one around here, so they should follow my advice and direction.

• They're non-informed, intellectually inferior and poorly educated, so they should listen to me.

• The only way to get things done is to ride them hard and long.

• You don't get anywhere by listening to other's opinions about what needs to be done since they will disagree with what you want done and you'll have to force them to do what you want done anyway.

• There's no reason why I need to give them the freedom to do what they want to do.

• After all, what have they done for me?

 

1st: If you're unclear if you're intimidating to others, then you first need to ask the people in your life if they find you intimidating.

 

2nd: Once you're clear that you're intimidating either by feedback from the people in your life or by your experience of people reacting to you as if they were intimidated, then you need to identify what about you is intimidating.

 

To do this, make an inventory of your behaviors, attitudes, nonverbal cues, appearance to others, educational level, wealth, position of leadership, sexual attitudes, which are or may be intimidating to the people in your life.

9th: Now you are ready to inform each person in your life whom you no longer want to intimidate that you want the real or appearance of your control, power, dominance and coercion over them to cease.

You can ask them to continue to give you feedback and "call you on it'' when you're intimidating them.

10th: Begin to initiate the non-intimidating behaviors and strategies which you identified above.

11th: Monitor the response you're receiving from the people in your life and continuously solicit feedback from them if they find you intimidating.

12th: If people in your life still find you intimidating, then return to First step and begin again.

Steps to eliminate intimidating other?

Step 1:   In order to cease being intimidating to others, you first need to assess what you do, how you behave, who you are & what about you is intimidating. To do this, use the Intimidating Factors Inventory.

 

Intimidating Factors Inventory PART 1

Rate the following as to how true they are for you. Circle the number which correctly identifies you.

• 1 = Never intimidating
• 2 = Rarely intimidating
• 3 = Frequently intimidating
• 4 = Almost always intimidating
• 5 = Always intimidating

If you aren't sure you identify with the description and it's an underlined, highlighted link, simply click on the link to get a more thorough explanation!

 

1  2  3  4  5  ( 1)  My loud gruff voice

 

1  2  3  4  5  ( 2)  My body size

 

1  2  3  4  5  ( 3)  My height

 

1  2  3  4  5  ( 4)  My sexual identity

 

1  2  3  4  5  ( 5)  My physical strength

 

1  2  3  4  5  ( 6)  My skin color

 

1  2  3  4  5  ( 7)  My highest educational achievement

 

1  2  3  4  5  ( 8)  The title of my profession or career

 

1  2  3  4  5  ( 9)  The title on my job

 

1  2  3  4  5  (10)  My salary

 

1  2  3  4  5  (11)  My financial worth

 

1  2  3  4  5  (12) Where I live

 

1  2  3  4  5  (13) Status of community in which I live

 

1  2  3  4  5  (14) Size of my house

 

1  2  3  4  5  (15) The car I drive

 

1  2  3  4  5  (16) My IQ

 

1  2  3  4  5  (17) The knowledge, skills and abilities I possess

 

1  2  3  4  5  (18) My level of caring for others

 

1  2  3  4  5  (19) My openness and honesty

 

1  2  3  4  5  (20) My ability to self disclose my weaknesses and failings

 

1  2  3  4  5  (21) My high self-esteem

 

1  2  3  4  5  (22) My age

 

1  2  3  4  5  (23) My life experience

 

1  2  3  4  5  (24) The people I know

 

1  2  3  4  5  (25) The group I hang around with

 

1  2  3  4  5  (26) My religious beliefs and convictions

 

1  2  3  4  5  (27) My social connections

 

1  2  3  4  5  (28) The clothes I wear

 

1  2  3  4  5  (29) The clubs I belong to

 

1  2  3  4  5  (30) My  political beliefs and persuasions

 

1  2  3  4  5  (31) Then I am angry

 

1  2  3  4  5  (32) When I'm assertive

 

1  2  3  4  5  (33) When I'm aggressive

 

1  2  3  4  5  (34) When I'm threatening others

 

1  2  3  4  5  (35) When I'm yelling, ranting and raving

 

1  2  3  4  5  (36) When I'm emotionally abusive

 

1  2  3  4  5  (37) When I'm physically abusive

 

1  2  3  4  5  (38) When I'm sexually abusive

 

1  2  3  4  5  (39) When I'm verbally abusive

 

1  2  3  4  5  (40) When I'm lecturing others

 

1  2  3  4  5  (41) When I start breaking things

 

1  2  3  4  5  (42) When I'm warning others of dire consequences

 

1  2  3  4  5  (43) When I pull rank on others

 

1  2  3  4  5  (44) When I belittle others

 

1  2  3  4  5  (45) When I threaten to cut off financial support

 

1  2  3  4  5  (46) When I threaten to cut off emotional support

 

1  2  3  4  5  (47) When I threaten to cut off physical affection

 

1  2  3  4  5  (48) When I threaten to cut off communication

 

1  2  3  4  5  (49) When I threaten to reveal the negative truth about others

 

1  2  3  4  5  (50) When I threaten to kill self or others if they don't do what I want them to do 

Intimidating Factors Inventory:  Part 2

Rate the following as to how true they are for you. Circle the number which correctly identifies you.

 

·                  1 = Never intimidating

·                  2 = Rarely intimidating

·                  3 = Frequently intimidating

·                  4 = Almost always intimidating

·                  5 = Always intimidating

 

1  2  3  4  5  (51) When I am sarcastic

 

1  2  3  4  5  (52) When I am cynical

 

1  2  3  4  5  (53) When I gossip about people

 

1  2  3  4  5  (54) When I share secrets others have told me

 

1  2  3  4  5  (55) When I get animated, enthusiastic and energized

 

1  2  3  4  5  (56) When I want to attain a goal very badly

 

1  2  3  4  5  (57) When I become adamant about a point

 

1  2  3  4  5  (58) When I act competitive

 

1  2  3  4  5  (59) When I raise my voice

 

1  2  3  4  5  (60) When I have a temper tantrum

 

1  2  3  4  5  (61) When I act "better than thou''

 

1  2  3  4  5  (62) When I threaten to reject people

 

1  2  3  4  5  (63) When I threaten to take away my approval of people

 

1  2  3  4  5  (64) When I have a hard time comprehending how people could feel the way they do

 

1  2  3  4  5  (65) When I am unforgiving of another

 

1  2  3  4  5  (66) When I bring up the hurtful past

 

1  2  3  4  5  (67) When I seek out help for myself

 

1  2  3  4  5  (68) When I admit our relationship has problems and do something about it

 

1  2  3  4  5  (69) When I begin to change "old sick'' behaviors to "new healthier" behaviors

 

1  2  3  4  5  (70) When I ask others to help me be less intimidating to them

1  2  3  4  5  (71) When I am happy

 

1  2  3  4  5  (72) When I am having fun

 

1  2  3  4  5  (73) When I allow my inner child to have fun

 

1  2  3  4  5  (74) When I am enjoying life

 

1  2  3  4  5  (75) When I act unpredictably

 

1  2  3  4  5  (76) Because I was an alcoholic

 

1  2  3  4  5   (77) Because I am chronically ill

 

1  2  3  4  5  (78) Because I am insecure

 

1  2  3  4  5  (79) Because I am shy and stay to myself

 

1  2  3  4  5  (80) Because I was a drug addict

 

1  2  3  4  5  (81) Because I am terminally ill

 

1  2  3  4  5  (82) Because I have cancer or AIDS

 

1  2  3  4  5  (83) Because I am physically disabled

 

1  2  3  4  5  (84) Because I am mentally disabled

 

1  2  3  4  5  (85) Because I am emotionally disabled

 

1  2  3  4  5  (86) Because I am learning disabled

 

1  2  3  4  5  (87) Because I am obese

 

1  2  3  4  5 (88)  Because I am physically disfigured

 

1  2  3  4  5  (89) Because I am divorced

 

1  2  3  4  5  (90) Because I am from a dysfunctional family

 

1  2  3  4  5  (91)  When I am physically sick

 

1  2  3  4  5  (92) When I am exhausted

 

1  2  3  4  5  (93) When I feel weak

 

1  2  3  4  5  (94)  When I complain too much

 

1  2  3  4  5  (95)  When I want revenge over a real or perceived wrong

 

1  2  3  4  5  (96)  When I am "cause oriented"

 

1  2  3  4  5  (97)  When I always try to have the "correct answer"

 

1  2  3  4  5  (98)  When I am overly solicitous

 

1  2  3  4  5  (99)  When I am overly sympathetic 

 

1  2  3  4  5  (100)When I am giving advice

Step 2:   Once you've evaluated your intimidating factors, seek input from others in your life about whether you intimidate them and how you do it.

 

Use the Intimidating Factor Inventory (above) to assist them to identify how you intimidate them.

 

Identify the people by the following categories:

 

·   Spouse(s) (current and former)

·   Children (natural and step)

·   Parents (natural and step)

·   In-laws (current and former)

·   Brothers and sisters (natural and step)

·   Other extended family (grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins)

·   Friends (girlfriends and boyfriends)

·   School mates

·   Co-workers on job

·   Supervisors or bosses or employers

·   Supervisees or employees

·   Clients or customers

·   Neighbors

·   Acquaintances