Purposes

 

It's necessary to distinguish between reasonable and irrational emotions. Obviously, fears of reckless driving, an irate person, electrical wires, VD and AIDS, etc. are realistic and not irrational.

 

It's also appropriate to temporarily feel disappointment, sadness or regrets after a loss or a failure. One will temporarily feel irritation and frustration after someone has cheated or lied about him/her, even though one realizes that the person who did you wrong had his/her reasons.

 

You would have preferred that things had worked out differently, but it isn't reasonable to "cry and scream" that it shouldn't have happened or to "rant and rave" that you can't stand it.

 

Intense reactions, when carried on excessively long, become irrational over-reactions. At least to some extent these extreme emotions are based on or augmented by irrational thoughts which can be eliminated. 

• To reduce or prevent intense, prolonged, irrational anger, anxiety, depression, guilt, feelings of inferiority or worthlessness, jealousy, dependency and other such understand.

• To learn more rational ways to view life, more honest ways to evaluate oneself and more reasonable expectations to have of oneself and others.

• To recognize that we can't understand ourselves or others without knowing the "internal environment," i.e. how the person views or interprets the situation and what the person is saying to him/herself.

Steps

 

Step 1: Identify your irrational ideas.

Until recently it was thought that only 10 or 12 common irrational ideas caused most of human misery (Ellis & Harper, 1975). Now, it's thought that there are thousands of misery-causing false ideas (Ellis, 1987), a few of them are very obviously irrational but many are subtle and more convincing (but still wrong).

 

As these ideas are described, think about your own thoughts, attitudes and self-talk.

 

To what extent do you think this way?

 

It's necessary for me to describe several irrational thoughts because we differ very much in terms of how we think. You'll not have all the harmful thoughts that I describe; you may have only 2 or 3, but they could be enough to make you miserable.

 

Unfortunately, you'll have to skim all the ideas below to find the few that are giving you trouble. Here are the common, fairly obvious irrational ideas described by Albert Ellis which create unwanted emotions:  

• Everyone should love and approve of me (if they don't, I feel awful and unlovable).

• I should always be able, successful and "on top of things" (if I'm not, I'm an inadequate, incompetent, hopeless failure).

• People who are evil and bad should be punished severely (and I have the right to get very upset if they aren't stopped and made to "pay the price").

• When things don't go the way I wanted and planned, it's terrible and I'm, of course, going to get very disturbed. I can't stand it!

 

 

 

Furthermore, Ellis (1987) has recently suggested that one reason why people keep on getting upset (even after reading Ellis's books and having Rational-Emotive therapy) is because they've rejected most of the obvious irrational ideas but retained some of the subtle ones:

1. Of course, I can't totally please everyone all the time, but I must have approval of certain people because I've been rejected and hurt... because I was spoiled with lots of love as a child... because I really try hard to please... because I feel so upset when I'm not approved... because I only want a little approval... because I'm a special person... and so on.

2. I know I can't be perfectly competent all the time in every area, but I must succeed on this project because I want to excel so badly... because I really try hard and deserve it... because I've done so well in the past (or failed so often)... because I'm handicapped and feel so worthless when I fail... because I have special abilities... and so on.

3. Oh sure, it's foolish to expect to be treated fairly in all ways by everyone all the time, but they must be fair to me in this case because I'm considerate of others... because people have always treated me fairly (or unfairly) in the past... because I'm at a disadvantage and can't take care of myself... because I'm furious and they have absolutely no reason to do this to me... and so on.

You can see how a clearly irrational idea sounds more believable when embellished by these pseudo-psychological explanations. However, such statements are still crazy, unreasonable expectations or thoughts which can and do upset us.

Ellis suggests that the tendencies to have these crazy ideas are inborn, i.e., obsessing about something we want badly evolves into absolute musts and demands. How does this happen?

 

We forget the probabilities and risks involved in our irrational self-talk; we over-look our lack of ability and determination; we deny that our strong feelings and needs help convince us we're right (when we're wrong); we fail to see that our strong emotions, like anger, fears and weakness, are frequently reinforced; we sometimes think it's healthy or appropriate to feel strongly and "never forget;" we aren't aware of our defense mechanisms; we may acquire emotional responses without words, e.g., via conditioning and modeling; we prefer to change the situation rather than our thinking (get a divorce rather than deal with our anger, flunk out of school rather than cope with our overwhelming need for fun); we escape but don't solve our problems by drinking, socializing, involvement with activities and cults, dieting, taking medication, etc.; we convince ourselves we can't really change (and therefore, don't try very hard).

 

Thus, irrational thinking becomes the easy way out: I can just insist that things should go my way. And scream about injustice when things don't go my way. That way, I don't have to take responsibility for controlling my life.

Finally, Transactional Analysis and Cognitive therapy have described a number of other self-messages that are illogical and unhealthy (Butler, 1981):

 

Driver messages:

• Be perfect
• Hurry up
• Try hard
• Please others
• Be strong and so on...

Reflecting unrealistic demands that interfere with our natural preferences and inclinations.

 

Stopper messages: (ideas that "stop us in our tracks" or "shoot us down" and keep us from trying)

 

Catastrophizing: "If I said something stupid, it would be terrible." "If he/she rejected me, it would be awful."

 

Self-put-downs: "I'm so dumb... boring... ugly... weak... selfish... demanding... bossy... irresponsible..."

 

Self-restricting statements:

• "I'll speak up providing no one's feelings will be hurt."
• "I'd give an opinion if I had all the facts."
• "I'd approach him/her if I could think of something witty to say."

Witch messages:

• "Don't be yourself; they won't like you."
• "Don't be different..."
• "Don't be like your father... "
• "Like a sissy..."
• "Like a pushy boss..."
• "Like an egghead professor..."

Illogical thinking

 

False or unfounded conclusions:

• "If she doesn't love me, no one will."
• "He smiled, I think he's turned on by my body."
• "He/she loves me so much, he/she will make the changes I want him/her to make."
• "I won't be able to find a job and support myself, it's hopeless."
• "I know they're making it hard for me, that makes me mad."

Eric Berne realized that some people tend to respond again and again with the same emotional response, say self-criticism, pessimism, or anger.

 

He called this reoccurring emotion the patient's "racket." The racket - an emotion based on faulty thinking - has become a basic part of your personality.

 

Misattribution: often we blame our feelings on someone or something else.

 

Examples:

• "You make me so mad."
• "This setting is depressing."
• "Depressed people get me down."
• "I did it because I was drinking."
• "I only hit you because you were trying to make me jealous."

Often we blame the victim.

 

Overgeneralization, exaggeration, or either/or thinking: anytime we use never, always, or everything, we're probably over-generalizing.

 

Also, many of us over-emphasize the importance of a blemish, a mistake, our looks, etc.

 

Another problem is when vague words are used, like "success," "happiness," or "good." If terms like these aren't carefully defined, how do you know you have reached that condition?

 

Then, some people use either/or reasoning: "If I'm not (successful) yet, I must be a failure." That's foolish; it would be better to think in terms of percentage - how successful have I been? How happy am I? How much progress have I made?

 

This step is to introduce the idea of irrational thoughts that cause unwanted emotions. It’s a giant leap from recognizing these irrational ideas to getting rid of them.

 

In fact, Ellis says we never learn to think straight all the time. How many wrong ideas most of us retain is not known yet. Certainly, a better understanding of rational, adaptive thinking would help all of us.

In the following steps, we’ll study ways to detect and correct your own unique, well hidden, wrong and disturbing ideas.

 

Step 2: Try to find more rational sentences to say to yourself.

 

Like replacing bad habits with good ones, your irrational thoughts must be replaced with more rational ones. For each of the 12 obvious irrational ideas listed in step 1 (above), here's a more reasonable way to look at the situation: (Note: You may have to refer back to the original irrational idea to understand these rational ideas.)

It’s not possible for everyone to love and approve of us; indeed, we can’t be assured that any one particular person will continue to like us. What one person likes another hates. When we try too hard to please everyone, we lose our identity, we aren’t self-directed, secure or interesting. It’s better to cultivate our own values, social skills and compatible friendships, rather than worry about pleasing everyone.

No one can be perfect. We all have weaknesses and faults. Perfectionism creates anxiety and guarantees failure. Perfectionistic needs may motivate us but they may take away the joy of living and alienate people if we demand they be perfect too. We (and others) can only expect us to do what we can (as of this time) and learn in the process.

As Epictetus said, it isn’t external events but our views, our self-talk, our beliefs about those events that upset us. So, challenge your irrational ideas. You may be able to change external events in the future and you certainly can change your thinking. Thinking like a determinist helps (see next method). Remember no one can make you feel anyway; you're responsible for your own feelings.

There’s a great difference between dreadful ruminations about what awful things might happen and thinking how to prevent, minimize or cope with real potential problems.

The former is useless, depressing, exhausting and may even be self-fulfilling. The latter is wise and reassuring. Keep in mind that many of our fears never come true. Desirable outcomes are due to the laws of behavior, not due to our useless "worry." Unwanted outcomes are also lawful and not because we didn't "worry."

As w/procrastination, avoidance of unpleasant tasks and denial of problems or responsibilities frequently yields immediate relief but, later on, results in serious problems. The life style that makes us most proud isn’t having an easy life but facing and solving tough problems.

People are dependent on others, e.g. for food, work, love, etc., but no one needs to be dependent on one specific person. In fact, it’s foolish to become so dependent that the loss of one special person would leave you helpless and devastated.

You can't change the past but you can learn from it and change yourself (and maybe even the circumstances). You can teach an old dog new tricks. Self-help is for everyone every moment.

Step 3: Identify the feelings and the circumstances in which you experience unwanted emotions. Write each upsetting situation on the top of a 3 X 5 card.

 

The irrational ideas discussed in step 1 may have sounded familiar. If so, perhaps you can start observing and tracking your irrational self-talk and in that way discover what emotions are generated by these thoughts.

 

However, it’s usually more practical to start by identifying the times and situations in which you have unwanted feelings - fears, worries, fatigue, guilt, pessimism, resentment, shyness, regrets, loneliness, jealousy, envy, passivity, conformity, sadness, etc.

 

In the next step, we'll go looking for the irrational ideas you might be telling yourself that could produce the unwanted emotions. In this step, however, we’re simply identifying the emotions and situations we’d like to change.

 

The task is to ferret out irrational ideas but the surface symptoms - the emotions - are much easier to see than the underlying thoughts - the irrational ideas.

 

Therefore, look for and write down on a 3 X 5 card each unwanted feeling and the situation, interactions, thoughts and/or fantasies associated with that feeling.

 

Do this whenever you've exaggerated, prolonged, or possibly unjustified emotional reactions, whenever you're frustrated and think things "should" be different, whenever you respond differently than others do, whenever you have emotional responses you don't understand or don't like, whenever you feel pushed by your own internal pressures and so on.

 

Obviously, different people respond differently to the same situation. Surely some of these emotional differences are due to how these people see the situation differently and how they talk to themselves about the situation.

 

Do the ways you respond differently from others reveal some of your partially hidden ideas?

 

What do you say to yourself when breaking up with someone? when failing to do as well as you would like? when starting a difficult new project? when being criticized? when you feel something is awful?

 

Negative feelings reflect negative self-talk. Changes in feelings usually follow changes in views or ideas. Make a practice of noting when your emotions change and then (in the next step) looking for your internal judgments and self-talk in these situations. Your ideas may explain your feelings.

 

When you feel the need to escape, e.g. "I want to get out of here" or "I need a drink," it’s possible that your self-talk is creating this urge to act or this internal pressure. Maybe you’re driving yourself too hard with "be perfect," "try harder," and "don't show your anger" self-instructions.

 

Look for these thoughts. Likewise, when we avoid our work and procrastinate by eating, drinking, cleaning, watching TV, etc., we may be telling ourselves lies, such as:

• "I can easily do it tomorrow."
• "I'll work after watching TV."
• "I won't do it right."
• "I can't learn all that stuff - it's useless anyway." 
• "They’ll probably make fun of my work."

Who wouldn't try to avoid all those negative self-evaluations by escaping into some other activity? Who wouldn't use excuses if we didn't question their validity?

Step 4: Explore the underlying rational and irrational ideas in each situation. Challenge your crazy ideas and decide on more rational ways of thinking. This is "cognitive restructuring."

 

Take all your 3 X 5 cards with a brief description of the situation on the top and arrange them in order of severity. Beneath the description, draw a line down the middle of the card. The right side will be used later for more rational ways of looking at it. On the left, list the irrational ideas possibly causing this unwanted emotional reaction.

 

A review of the common irrational ideas and the driver, self-critical and illogical messages described in step 1 should help. 

   

Butler also contends that we start to question and discard our irrational, negative ideas as we recognize more and more how these ideas are harming us.

 

So, she asks her clients to consider the damage done in terms of

• (1) hurtful feelings
• (2) troublesome behavior
• (3) low self-esteem
• (4) strained relationships
• (5) high stress or poor health

Obviously, repeatedly seeing the damage done by our own thoughts helps us see the importance of changing our thinking.

 

While Butler seems to disagree, I suspect we can frequently see the errors in our thinking if we stop and ask ourselves, "What is the evidence for this belief?"

 

We can recognize some of our subtle irrational ideas and then challenge them. We can hear our internal predictions of failure ("you can't do that"), our demands that other people be different ("they shouldn't neglect me") and so on.

We can learn to say "That is a silly, harmful way to think, so stop it!" Then we can think of more positive, constructive ways of thinking (see last and next step). Butler suggests writing down what you say (or think) to yourself before and while you’re upset. Seeing the thoughts in writing also helps you see the irrationality.

 

Cognitive therapists have developed several methods for challenging irrational ideas that mess up our lives (Mc Mullin, 1986). Here are some:

 

Try to think of several interpretations of an upsetting event. Suppose someone comments that you’re getting flabby around the middle. You’re hurt, ashamed and at first, conclude that you’re unattractive, maybe even gross looking. But you look for other ways of viewing the situation:

 

(1)   Maybe other people don't see me that way

(2)   He has a weight problem himself and is projecting

(3)   He's angry because he thought I had been flirting w/his girlfriend

(4)   A little fat doesn't matter very much to me

(5)   That comment may help me start a diet tomorrow

Some of these interpretations will serve you better than the first one. With practice we can see there are several ways of interpreting most situations, not just one.

 

Similarly, one can often find less personally threatening explanations of a bad event.

 

Example: a rejected lover can believe:

• "She/he was afraid of sex" 
• "He/she wouldn't like anyone for long"

just as easily as:

• "I wasn't good looking enough" 
• "I'm boring."

More objective, "clinical" explanations may be easier to take. "I don't have friends because I don't try" hurts less than "because I'm not a likable person."

 

Suppose a friend one day seems cold and irritated. You think he/she is mad at you, probably because you had done something with another friend the night before or because you hadn't called him/her for a couple of days or maybe because she had heard some gossip about you.

 

All of these thoughts are rather useless speculation. The facts are that you often do things with other friends and it’s common for the two of you to not call for a couple of days.

 

What gossip could he/she have heard? You haven't done anything unusual. Maybe he/she was just in a hurry; maybe he/she was mad at someone else. It could be a million things. Don't get carried away by your speculation. Ask him/her if you misread the situation or if you had done something to upset him/her.

Some people are catastrophizers, always making negative interpretations, making molehills into mountains, minor setbacks into crushing defeat, tiny slights into total war and so on.

 

If you’re one, try thinking of the best and the worst possible outcome in a situation you’re concerned about. Guess which is most likely to happen. Then observe what actually happens and see if, in the course of time, you can become more accurate in estimating what the outcome will be in many situations.

 

Try to understand the origin, dynamics and validity of your harmful thinking. Ask yourself questions like,

• "Where did this harmful idea come from?"

• "Is this belief true or false? What is the evidence?" 

•  "When do you remember first having this harmful belief?" "How did you feel?" 

• "Why did you feel (inadequate... cocky... unloved) as an adolescent?"

• "Does feeling insecure have much to do with your continuing to live at home? ...staying with the same boy/girlfriend? ...staying in the same job?"

• "What attitudes do secure people have in this situation?"

• "What am I saying differently to myself when I'm not upset in similar situations?"

• "Why does this belief exist?"( (Mc Mullin 1986) says some irrational ideas help us feel safe, e.g. "most people are stupid" helps us feel smart, "you're a nerd if you don't drink" helps establish rapport with our drinking buddies, "it's my fault" helps us believe we're a good, responsible person and so on.)

Another interesting strategy to understanding negative thinking is to imagine, for the moment, that your dire thoughts are true.

 

Then, ask yourself, "If that were true, what would that mean to you? Why would that upset you?" Flanagan (1990) gives this example: a student in counseling was worried because his professor had criticized him & probably thinks he’s a poor student.

 

The therapist always asks the above question, "If that were true, why would that upset you?"

 

Student: "It would mean I am a bad student, he is an expert."

 

Therapist repeats questions.

 

Student: "It would mean I was a failure."

 

Therapist: same questions.

 

Student: "It means I have to leave school."

 

Therapist: same questions.

 

Student: "Everyone would know I failed."

 

Therapist: same question.

 

Student: "It would mean I was a total failure. There would be nothing for me to do." Thus, the student's reactions to these questions imply the underlying assumptions that are so upsetting:

• (1) any criticism of me is right
• (2) my worth is determined by success in school
• (3) one person criticizes me and the world falls apart and I'm useless
• (4) others will not accept my weaknesses - I must be perfect
• (5) everyone must respect me
• (6) if I fail in school, I'll fail at everything  

With this kind of thinking, it’s no wonder we make mountains out of molehills.

 

A similar way to discover the impossible demands you may be imposing on yourself is to ask "Why?" repeatedly (Flanagan, 1990).

 

Example: suppose you wanted to but couldn't turn down a friend's request for a favor.

 

Why? "Because I felt uncomfortable saying no."

Why? "Because I should be helpful."

Why? "Because we should all try to accommodate others."

Why? "Because everyone should be happy."

Why? "Because being sad wastes time and that's wrong."

Why? "Because you should be accomplishing something."

Why? "Because I feel guilty wasting time and my mood gets down." Why? "Well, I should be productive and in a good mood all the time."

 

Notice all the "shoulds" in this line of reasoning that ends with a ridiculous statement.

 

If you can understand the ramifications of your thoughts and the true underlying problems, it’ll help a lot when you’re developing arguments against your irrational ideas.

 

As w/self-instructions and stress-innoculation, you can prepare and practice in advance arguments designed to counter fears, self-putdowns, anger, impossible goals and so on.

 

Sometimes, it’s even helpful to get mad at the stupid idea that’s causing you trouble.

 

Examples:

• There are so many beautiful and interesting people to meet, it’s really foolish to let my shyness lead to all this frustration and loneliness.
• It’s stupid to think that the only way to be happy is to be very successful... beautiful... a real man... a perfect lover and parent... because there’s so much more to a full life (and besides, these demanding goals create many problems).  

By recording in a journal how well each argument works in real situations, you can find out which ideas or views help you most to avoid upsetting thoughts. Use what works.

 

Instead of arguing against a pessimistic attitude, one can focus on thinking rationally and replacing negative words with positive words.

 

e.g., we can think of ourselves as having learned to be the way we are, instead of labeling ourselves as "sick," "weak," "crazy," or "mentally ill." It requires continuous conscious effort and daily practice to make these changes. Other examples of re-labeling or reframing a negative trait:

Beyond the question of accuracy of your views, you can also question the accuracy of your assumed implications of those views.

 

Examples: Suppose you asked someone out and he/she turned you down. There are several possible reasons for being rejected that don’t have negative implications for you, e.g., he/she is interested in someone else at the moment.

 

But let's just suppose for a moment that he/she did actually think you were a creep. You should still ask yourself, "So what?" Does he/she know much about you? No, so why give any weight to his/her superficial impression? Does that impression make you a creep? Of course not. Does that impression imply that no one will ever want to go out with you? No.

 

Suppose you’re not able to make "A's" & "B's" in chemistry and physiology. Ask yourself, "So what?" Does that mean you won't become an MD? Maybe. Does it mean that your life will be meaningless? No. In short, ask yourself, "Is this situation really so awful?" Look 10 years ahead.

 

Compare this "awful" situation w/a serious problem, such as a relative or loved one dying, losing your sight, etc. Ask yourself, "Am I making too much out of this?"

 

The most effective technique may be to find a basic value you really believe in that counters the harmful irrational belief.

 

Examples:

Finally, keep in mind that the upsetting irrational ideas may no longer be conscious or may not even exist at all.

 

i.e., it seems possible that irrational ideas originally produced the unwanted emotions, but in the process of being repeated over and over in association with a specific situation, these ideas may have become abbreviated or even omitted altogether from the chain reaction of situation-ideas-emotions. In this case, the situation may elicit (condition?) the emotion directly.

 

Nevertheless, it may be helpful to guess at what the original irrational ideas might have been and then develop a more rational outlook and plan (this is an unproven method, in contrast to desensitization).

 

e.g., one may have become shy by using self-talk like "they won't like me" or "I'm not attractive." Shyness might be gradually overcome by supportive self-talk, "I can find interesting things to talk about" and "Being a caring person will make up for my weaknesses."

 

The crux of this method is the recognizing, questioning, challenging and changing each irrational idea. The new thinking is based on facts. You’re your-own-scientist, checking out your own ideas.

 

It’s an unending process; rational people must constantly monitor their beliefs about the past and expectations about the future, repeatedly asking, "What is the evidence?"

After you have identified the irrational ideas underlying several of the emotions and situations described on your 3 X 5 cards, you’ll probably find the same kind of thinking errors showing up in several situations.

 

Are you unduly self-condemning? Are you overly critical of others or the world? Are you a perfectionistic and pushing yourself too hard? Are you bitching about the way things turn out (the laws of nature)?

 

Are you a specialist at exaggerating the awfulness? This is valuable information about your way of thinking because it’ll guide you to finding more rational (factual) and constructive (encouraging) ways of thinking.

 

Write some supportive, rational self-talk on the right side of the 3 X 5 cards. Your arguments against your own irrational thoughts can be a few words, e.g. "Ridiculous!" or "Where's the proof?," a sentence, e.g. "People will be more impressed with how much fun I have playing ping-pong than with how well I can slam," or a complex philosophy, e.g. "My goal in life is to be a good psychologist, that is inconsistent sometimes with having fun, being popular, agreeing with important people, etc."

 

Refer to step 2 for rational ideas if you need to, but you must understand and believe your own self-talk that counters hurtful ideas. Your ideas and views need to be expressed in your own words; they should encourage you to face the facts, accept yourself and be gentle with yourself and others.

 

Method #1 will help you deal with self-critical thinking. If you give yourself a lot of upsetting "Be Perfect" or "Hurry Up" or "Try Harder" or "Don't Be Emotional" messages, develop some "Allower" messages: It's okay to make mistakes, to take my time, to act on my feelings, to assert myself, to be average, etc.

Give yourself "unconditional positive regard" by replacing the impossible "shoulds" and critical judgments with:

• (a) recognition of your specific accomplishments
• (b) the development of a workable self-improvement plan

Examples: if you get 95% on a test, don't fret about the 5% you missed, praise yourself for the 95% you knew. If you feel terrible about breaking your diet, work out a better plan that’s easier to follow and allows for mistakes.

 

It’s not easy for an emotional self-agitator to become a self-calmer. It takes work, hours and hours of work. If you can’t think of rational, self-supportive views for certain situations, talk with a friend or a counselor.

 

Accumulate a list of the arguments and ideas that effectively reduce your negative emotions. Keep on improving the challenges to your irrational ideas; it’s a life-long task.

 

Step 5: Imagine being in the upsetting situations. Talk rationally to yourself, letting the rational ideas override the irrational ideas and emotions. Continue until you feel better.

 

Start with a mildly disturbing situation or feeling. Say to yourself, "I know where those feelings are coming from and these emotions are too intense! I'm making too much out of this. It makes more sense to look at it this way (fill in the rational ideas from the 3 X 5 card)."

 

It may seem strange at first to have this intellectual argument between your irrational ideas and your rational ideas, but keep trying. The unwanted emotional response will fade away and as that happens, your belief in the rational ideas will be strengthened.

 

Move on to imagining situations that evoke stronger emotions. Learn to change your intense, "awful" emotional reactions to more reasonable reactions: overwhelming depression becomes sadness or regrets, rage becomes irritation or a wish that things had been different and so on.

 

This procedure, called Rational-Emotive Imagery, has some similarity with self-instructions in chapter 11, desensitization in chapter 12, constructive fantasy in chapter 13, this chapter's method #1 about the internal self-critic and also method #9 in this chapter about positive, coping attitudes.

 

This step provides practice at attacking irrational ideas and reducing the unwanted emotions. It’s preparation for real life in which you can start telling yourself rational things as an irrational emotion begins.

Step 6: Anticipate emotional responses. Attack every irrational idea as it occurs. Insist on behavioral changes too. Accept what you can't change.

 

This method is to be applied every minute of every day; otherwise, the irrational ideas will return and gather strength. Just like the therapist does, whenever you start to feel upset, ask yourself, "What crazy idea am I telling myself now?" Insist that you think factually and rationally. You must also behave more rationally!

 

Albert Ellis gives "homework assignments."

 

i.e., you may realize your fear of flying is irrational. That isn't enough. You have to fly - several times. You must start doing the things that have been upsetting you - getting turned down for a date, speaking up at meetings, going out without make up, getting a "C," standing up for your rights, etc.

 

Staying rational is a life-long preoccupation. There are many obstacles:

• negative views are very resistive to change
• the old "do's and don'ts" are very powerful
• the belief that "I'll be okay if I can only reach some lofty goal" is hard to shake
• the idea that "I can't change" is an enormous barrier
• if new thoughts are tried out, the internal perfectionist may say, "You're messing up this new self-talk; you'll never learn - besides, it won't help much anyway."  

You have to keep slugging away at irrational ideas month after month. Positive self-talk has to become automatic. Logical reasoning is hard work. Many people give up before the job is done.

Dr. R. L. Wessler (1992) of Pace Univ. has recently accused Ellis's form of Rational-Emotive therapy of dogmatically imposing a view of the world on the patient without much consideration of why the patient sees the situation as he/she does.

 

e.g., when a client in other forms of Cognitive Therapy says he/she couldn't pass a college course, the therapist is likely to simply suggest the client check out that expectation in reality.

 

The Cognitive Therapist wouldn't instantly and bluntly call that expectation of failure an "irrational," crazy idea. (In this instance, the client might be right.) But when a client of a Rational-Emotional therapist says "I'd die if I didn't make all A's," the follower of Ellis would immediately challenge that idea as irrational (and actual death does seem improbable).

 

The RET therapist's focus isn't on the patient's background that results in thinking that getting all A's is crucial; the focus is on getting the patient to see that the expectation of all A's in all circumstances is an unreasonable demand.

 

It certainly is a dogmatic and dynamic approach for the RET therapist to say that it's unreasonable to insist that someone must love you or that you must get an "A."

 

But is the client actually irrational, wrong, or stupid, when he/she insists that the world must be different than it is? I think so (see next method).

i.e., it's suggested that you ask yourself questions similar to these:

• Do my thoughts or beliefs help me or cause me problems over time?

• Do my beliefs fit with known facts and reality?

• Is this specific belief logical - does it make sense?  

i.e., you might want very badly to succeed, but does having that need mean you must succeed?

 

No. Rational ideas should be helpful, realistic and make sense. If your ideas (beliefs) aren’t rational, then one should find ones that are.

 

A recent book, written by a person who claims to have had no knowledge about Rational-Emotive or Cognitive therapy, provides some techniques that challenge the kind of ideas that frequently lead to unpleasant, disturbing emotions (Byron Katie, 2002).

 

Most of her case illustrations of applying these methods (questions to ask yourself) come from a workshop or lecture circuit where she does public interviews in which she rather assertively challenges the interviewee’s beliefs and ideas, much like some therapists do.

 

So, it isn’t known how effectively text-based self-questioning corrects our trouble-causing irrational thinking.

 

Maybe it's necessary to have an “authority” challenging our way of thinking.

Anyway, here's Katie’s approach:

Describe in detail the situation or aspects of a relationship that bothers you. Include such things as:

• Who angers or disappoints you?

• What don’t you like about the other person?

• How do you want them to change…to be different?

• What do you need or want from them?

•  What do you especially dislike about them?

• What do you want to never experience with them again?

Be negative and judgmental. In other words, how are you telling yourself that things “should” or “must” be different?

 

Once it’s clear what you think about the situation and what you want to be different, then ask these questions challenging the validity of your demands… your “shoulds” or “musts:”

 

Is my understanding of the situation true?

 

How can you be absolutely sure your beliefs and views of the situation are true or the only way it can be understood?

 

Example: Suppose your spouse or your boss seems to not understand you as well as you think he/she should, so you ask yourself:

 

 “Is it true he/she should understand me better?”

 

Don’t just have a knee-jerk reaction…think deeply about it.

• “Are you certain you've communicated well or completely to him/her?”

• “Is it certain that it's in his/her best interests to understand me perfectly?”

• “Is there some important payoff to them when they don’t understand you?”  

When you think things should be different but the changes just don’t occur, how do you feel?

 

What emotions do those unfulfilled thoughts or wishes trigger in you?

• Anger?

• Revenge?

• Tension?

• Self-criticism?

Hopelessness or do you become determined to change the other person?

 

Does your train of thoughts increase stress or bring calm into your life?

 

Picture in your mind what your life would be like if you didn’t have these thoughts about how these changes really must happen.

 

What if you were with this person and didn’t have the thought that he/she should be or MUST be more understanding or different?

 

Would things be better or worse?

 

Would you be a different person?

 

As you can see, these questions are aiming at the same points as Rational-Emotional therapists, namely, you’re responsible for your own upset feelings because feelings result from your thinking, especially your “shoulds” and “musts.”

 

Therefore, you need to start questioning your demands that things be different from what they are, i.e., that the world should have unfolded and must unfold the way you want it to be. This is irrational thinking, the world obeys its laws, not your wishes.

 

If you change your thinking, you'll focus on less demanding and more realistic expectations - then you’ll be less upset with yourself, with others and with how life unfolds.

Katie has another mental exercise that can be helpful; she calls it “the turnaround.” It’s quite similar to the Gestalt technique of Go Find the Opposite.

 

What you do after seriously considering the questions above, is to ask yourself to consider carefully if the truth lies in other directions different from your (upsetting) thinking or beliefs.

 

Examples: instead of believing “Julie doesn’t understand me; she's mad at me and she shouldn’t be,” perhaps you might gain some insight by asking:

• “Was I first mad at her?” 

• “Am I angry with myself because I don’t understand myself?

• Or because I haven’t made myself clear to her?

• Or because I can’t understand why Julie feels the way she does?”

Other questions:

• “Could it be that she actually shouldn’t be understanding of me?”

• “Do I really have to have her understand me?”

• “Am I less understanding of her than I could be?”

There are many turnarounds to ask. Often a little truth is found in each turnaround question.

 

The goal is to accept whatever's going to happen, however the world unfolds, even the things you dread.

 

Turnarounds can be revealing, disclosing facets of your inner self and your feelings that are usually hidden. These are valuable insights.

 

Examples: if you’re thinking:

• “she ignores me,”

then turn this around to think seriously about:

• “she likes me”

or 

• “she wants me to be more independent”

or 

• “I ignore her”

or

• “I ignore myself”

or 

• “I’m very needy and want her attention badly”

or

• “ I resent her relating with someone else” and so on.

If you’re thinking:

• “John shouldn’t work…drink…complain…watch TV…withdraw… so much,”

then ask yourself or say:

• “John should …do these things…,”

or

• “I like when John…does these things,”

or

• “I shouldn’t… do these things,”

or

• “I like to…do these things,”

or

• “I'm very critical when I do…these things,”

or

• “My mother used to bitch about these things,”

or

• “John does these things to get away from me,”

or

• “John does these things instead of doing more upsetting things,” etc.

This is an exercise in flexible, diverse thinking.

 

My experience has been that many people have a difficult time correcting their own thinking. It’s no surprise that we tend to believe what we think; we do that even when we have Alzheimer’s and know our thinking is frequently confused and in error.

 

So, challenging the validity of our own thinking or beliefs, which arouse unwanted emotions, is a difficult task. Nevertheless, as you can see from the recent pages, many techniques have been proposed for correcting our untrue or irrational thinking.

 

Many of these techniques are presented as easy to use and sure bets to straighten out your disturbing thoughts. Unfortunately, very few (maybe none) of these self-help methods have been carefully researched as a self-help technique.

 

Hundreds or thousands of studies are needed to objectively evaluate the methods being sold in self-help bookds. We're too focused on trying to make money to do the research (see Rosen, Glasgow & Moore in Chapter 1).

 

If you've made significant changes in your thinking resulting in a reduction of unpleasant, unwanted emotions, please write me by going to Self-Change Stories on the Table of Contents page.

Effectiveness, advantages and dangers

 

Many therapists cite case after case to support this method. Certainly, Cognitive Therapy has been shown to be effective with many depressed persons.

 

There's relatively little objective, long-term research support for cognitive approaches provided by typical therapists, however. Perhaps this is because the method is much more complex than desensitization. Perhaps because it's hard to know for sure that the research subject's thinking has really changed.

 

Perhaps because results are delayed - it takes time to change the thinking which modifies the emotions which then result in visible changes in behavior. Perhaps because there are several "cognitive" approaches, all taking a different attack on irrationality and perceptual bias.

 

A study or 2 have found RET to be as effective as desensitization in dealing with fears; another study was inconclusive. As a self-help method (as distinguished from a therapy technique), there's very little evidence of its effectiveness.

 

Ellis (1987) himself has observed that the effectiveness of books, including his own, "is still very limited." Some of the reasons are discussed above. On the other hand, there's a consensus among clinicians that cognitive therapy, which includes RET, is fairly effective with a variety of problems.

 

But, it seems quite possible to me that others (e.g. a therapist) can detect our faulty thinking more adroitly than we can ourselves using written guidelines. We need extensive research.

 

The advantages of this method are its:

• potential speed and directness
• conceptual simplicity
• applicability to almost every emotion

There are no known dangers when attacking your own irrational ideas, but one might expect an argumentative, abrasive Rational-Emotional therapist to occasionally produce excessive stress and a "casualty."