   Ask Dr. Needlman
Irresponsible Firstborn
QUESTION
Dear
Dr. Needlman,
I have 3 children, 2 girls ages 17 and 13 and a boy age 11. The oldest
girl seems to have the most trouble; she is currently not in school and hasn't been able to hold a job for more that a few
weeks. She still doesn't have her driver's license. She tends to have the feeling that things should just come to her (or at least that is how I see it). What can I do to
motivate this child? Nothing has worked so far.
— Donna in Tucson, Az
ANSWER
Dear Donna,
When children have the feeling that things should come their way, as you put it, it's sometimes because things have come their way. Their parents
may have given them special treatment because they believed their child was more fragile than other children, for example.
When the oldest
child doesn't take on the responsible child role for whatever reason, a sibling often takes over. One result is that the irresponsible
child is "off the hook," for better or worse.
There are many other possible reasons
why a child may appear irresponsible. Is she suffering from depression, which can make chores and other challenges seem overwhelming?
Is she preoccupied
with worries or anxieties? Is there a learning disability or communication problem that has made her feel she's ineffective in life? Without seeing
your daughter, of course, I can't tell which, if any, of these may be important for her.
In order to sort out these and other possibilities, it may well be worthwhile for you to ask your daughter's doctor about a psychological consultation. You might explain
it to your daughter by telling her that you need some help understanding how to be a better parent to a nearly grown-up daughter. If you think about this, it is certainly true.
You were wise enough
to start your question by describing your family. So, you understand how important the whole family is in shaping an individual's personality. A psychologist, pediatrician, or family therapist who thinks about the whole family and how each member interacts may have the best chance of helping your eldest daughter begin to take
on more responsibility.
— by Robert Needlman, M.D., F.A.A.P.
Born To Explore! The Other Side of ADD
by Theresa Gallagher
Irresponsibility
Some people aren't
going to like hearing this, but I believe certain individuals look for an ADD diagnosis simply as an excuse for irresponsible behavior.
Some really are ADD and some aren't. This isn't true of most adults I've spoken to, but it does happen. There are
certainly people in the world who are looking for someone (or something) to blame for their failings.
Most adults diagnosed
with ADD that I speak to are looking for ways to meet their obligations, not for excuses. They adopt coping strategies, such as using timers, writing notes, getting coaches, pursuing a more
compatible career, or taking medications. They work very hard at it and make real changes to their lives.
On the other hand,
I've spoken with people who are just trying to out of their obligations. "Why won't my wife understand I can't be expected to take the garbage out every Monday because I'm ADD?" or "I have bad credit because I'm ADD and I forget to pay my
bills."
This reminds me of
when I first moved from Minnesota to Connecticut. In Minnesota, if you got in a car accident because you hit an icy
spot, you would say, "I guess I was going too fast." But in Connecticut, people say, "The accident wasn't my fault --
I hit an icy patch." They're more likely to blame the government for letting an icy patch be there in the first place.
A family recently filed
a lawsuit against a nearby town for failing to cut down a tree branch. Their son had tied a swing onto the branch and he broke his arm when the branch fell.
The boy's parents refuse to let their son accept responsibility for what he did and instead say the City "should have known" that someone would tie a swing onto the branch!
I know of 1 or 2 individuals
who don't seem the least bit ADD, but because they have been unable to achieve anything during their lives, got an ADD diagnosis. In reality they were just losers:
They really didn't
have trouble concentrating or controlling their impulses compared to the average person. But naturally they don't want to accept the blame for their lack of achievement. Now everything is "because I'm ADD."
In our climate of irresponsibility, comes the knowledge that some people really do have a much harder time being organized
and on time than others. A perfect "excuse". Except that ADD shouldn't be used as an excuse, any more than
child abuse should be used as an excuse for becoming a criminal.
Sure, there's a cause
and effect relationship. However, it's each individual's responsibility to identify their weaknesses and take steps to overcome. And when a person fails to meet an obligation, he or she should stand up and take the blame.
Some well-intentioned
parents do the same with their children. When the child misbehaves or does poorly in school, it's because "the meds
weren't working." If the child hits another kid, they say, "He can't help it -- He's ADD." CHADD seems to endorse
this sort of attitude.
The bottom line is
that the child learns he isn't responsible for his own behavior and that's a pretty scary thought to the rest of us.
Of course, that doesn't
mean that everyone needs to become a neat-freak, get perfect grades or sit perfectly still. But it DOES mean that ADD shouldn't become an excuse for failure.
If you're late for
a meeting, tell yourself, "I'm late because I didn't leave for the meeting in time. Next time I'll leave earlier. Maybe
I'll try setting a timer." Don't say, "It's hopeless! My ADD made me late again!"
Learning to accept responsibility for one's actions is, in my opinion, a critical step in growing up, regardless of whether a person is ADD or not.
Forum: Ignorance and irresponsibility
The incidents at the student
newspapers of Carnegie Mellon and North Allegheny High School, says Ervin Dyer, show that we've got a long way to go - Sunday,
April 11, 2004
Most African Americans will
tell you that one of the most stressful realities of being black in the US is feeling obliged to educate people who are dangerous because they're blind to or deny our nation's legacy of racism.
This task of educating is
a primary reason black news professionals formed the Pittsburgh Black Media Federation in 1973 and the National Assoc.of Black
Journalists 2 years later. Other minority groups encountered similar problems, which subsequently led to the creation of national
organizations of Hispanic, Asian and Native American journalists. Discriminatory and insensitive practices remained so persistent that all 4 groups came together in 1993 to create UNITY: Journalists of Color, Inc.
A decade later, the struggle
against myth and distortion continues. It takes on added urgency when news media, the guardians
of truth, are reckless with their considerable power and influence.
The 2 recent debacles involving
student newspapers in Allegheny County are examples of what happens regularly on campuses across the nation.
In March, the student newspaper
at North Allegheny Senior High School published an editorial criticizing affirmative action as a form of "new racism." A related
cartoon depicted a series of handicapped parking spaces reserved for racial minorities.
Less than a month later, Carnegie
Mellon Univ.'s student newspaper, The Tartan, published an April Fool's satire issue that, among other distasteful things,
extolled the virtues of Asian porn, joked about rape of a teacher and used the word "nigger" in a cartoon.
While the North Allegheny
case almost could be dismissed as uninformed children playing with the race card, the Carnegie Mellon disaster was an utter
abomination and abuse of power. The magnitude of the offense and the half-baked explanations offered by the offenders suggest that something pathological may be at work.
Neither case can be reduced
to an issue of mere insensitivity. While it's likely that more culturally diverse staffs and editorial boards could have averted the missteps, the underlying
issues are those of ignorance and irresponsibility.
Why do white pupils at a high
school that is 93% white feel so threatened by affirmative action? How
could a group of college student journalists - who, frighteningly, are about to be unleashed in real newsrooms - see nothing wrong with 12 pages of racist, sexist and misogynist filth?
The short answer is ignorance. Ignorance breeds irresponsibility and a sense of entitlement. Entitlement,
in turn, leads to feelings of insecurity, disrespect of others and fear. Fear is the root of hatred and people learn to attack what they fear or don't understand. Where are these young people learning to hate? What gives rise to such vitriol and resentment?
It's noteworthy that the top
leadership of both publications is white and male. Given that they enjoy distinct advantages because of white privilege and
male privilege - benefits that accrue to them because of their skin color and gender - a legitimate question might be: Why
are they afraid?
Affirmative action foes promulgate
the myth that every opportunity black people receive, whether a job or a college scholarship, was taken away from a more deserving
white person. That mindset is fundamentally racist.
Affirmative action was created
in the 1960's to ensure a diverse and inclusive pool of qualified applicants. Such laws and policies seek to counteract discrimination
that penalizes minority groups and preserves entitlement ensured by nepotism, the "old boys network" and white privilege.
The United States isn't a
meritocracy, never has been. The North Allegheny students would do well to understand that. They also need to acknowledge that their whiteness makes them beneficiaries of the cumulative effects of centuries of racial discrimination
and white privilege - problems that affirmative action has partially combatted on behalf of black people, white women and
others in just a few decades of enactment.
While everyone longs for the
day when rules will not have to be made to protect the minority from the tyranny of the powerful, the reality is that affirmative action must continue because racism, sexism and ageism continue. Objective tests for patterns
of racially discriminatory practice have been repeated so often that they've become embarrassingly cliche.
The results are always the
same: Black people still suffer racial discrimination in areas ranging from job hunting to home buying. So the most appropriate
time to discuss ending affirmative action is after racism has ended.
Constitutional rights to free speech and freedom of the press are serious and ought to be taken seriously. But, like other rights, they're not absolute. With power comes responsibility and when power is abused, responsibilities can be forfeited and rights can be taken away.
Ethics is the foundation of
good journalism. Truth is its stock in trade. Students need room to make mistakes and educators have an obligation to guide and nurture them. Sadly, in both of these cases, irresponsibility
carried the day.
But all isn't lost. People
can be taught to behave more responsibly. And it's been proven that diversity training can help to break the bonds of ignorance. We urge both for the student newspaper staffs at Carnegie Mellon and North Allegheny.
how being irresponsible can
improve your life author: adam kahn
WHEN YOU TAKE more responsibility for something than you actually have control of it, you're making yourself unnecessarily miserable.
If
it wasn't really your fault or if it is something you really can't control, then taking responsibility for it, feeling that it is your fault, makes you feel bad & affects your health negatively.
So
if you feel responsible for something, ask yourself if you really can control the outcome. If not, give up your responsibility.
Teenage Affluenza
By Tracy Tresidder
Teenage Affluenza
Is this an epidemic fueled by parents?
Is life too easy?
Take as little as 5 minutes to watch this YouTube "Teenage Affluenza"
video by World Vision with your teenager. The video does a great job juxtaposing the problems of young people in a rich country
vs. the monumental difficulties young people in poor countries face, but in a sarcastic way that isn't too overbearing or
preachy.
Results of over indulgence
Experts also warn that parents are spoiling their kids; not just with
material things, but by failing to set limits, not requiring that chores be done on a regular basis, not making the child wait or earn money for items they want, and smoothing
away all the child's frustrations in order to keep them happy, no matter what. According to experts, this type of parenting can lead to lack of motivation, low self-esteem and irresponsible behavior.
What happens when you don't
say no
Parent's who can't say no is an unexpected legacy of the affluent 90's.
This generation of parent has always been driven to give their teen every advantage. Now a growing number of psychologists, educators, and parents have come to the realization that all this overindulging is producing lazy, self-involved, and irresponsible teenagers that are prone to drop out of school, continue to live with their parents into their mid to late twenties and beyond,
and may develop a dependency on drugs and alcohol.
Be their parent
What children need most at this time is for parents to be a parent; not their best friend. Today's parents put in more hours on the job;
at the end of the work week it's tempting to give in to the guilt for not spending quality time with their kids, or to buy peace with a "yes".
Overindulged children often have lower self-esteem, a direct contradiction to what most overindulgent parents are trying to achieve with their coddling. Instead of having a
sense of self-confidence they have a sense of knowing that their parents will take care of things for them.
Saying No
According to psychologists, parents need to find a balance between the advantages of an affluent society and the critical life lessons that come from waiting, saving, and working hard
to achieve goals. Don't confuse permissiveness with love. In your quest to keep your child happy, you may forget to impart the ethics and values you really want to teach.
The Marketing Phenomenon
Susan Linn, an instructor of psychiatry
at Harvard Medical School, believes most parents are doing their best in the struggle against what she calls a marketing maelstrom. Corporate America is largely
to blame for our overindulged society, she said.
"Parents and children are living in a commercially driven culture that glorifies conspicuous consumption, and that's harmful", said Linn,
author of Consuming Kids: The Hostile Takeover of Childhood. "Children are just inundated with very sophisticated marketing messages by companies that encourage them to nag their parents (to buy them things).
Those messages persuade parents and kids they can't be happy without certain brands or products", she said. "People are buying into that belief that what makes a child happy is buying them things", Linn said. "But the research tells us that things don't make us happy."
Remind yourself and your children: The best things in life aren't things!
Author's
Bio: Tracy Tresidder M.Ed, ACC is a professional
parent & teen coach. Parents - learn how to assist your children to build lives of confidence, courage & compassion.
Discover the 7 simple steps to create a mutually loving & respectful relationship with your teenager. Go to http://www.coaching4teenagers.com.au to see the programs that are available now. Tracy is also the
lead instructor for the Academy for Family Coach Training in Australasia where you can train to become a certified parent
& teen coach. The 10 month Advanced Coaching Course, held in Australia on an annual basis, is the only ICF accredited
Parent & Teen Coach Training Course in the world to offer CCE certification. Visit the website for more course details.
Family Coach Training
Personality Styles of Chronic Academic Underachievers
By Dr. Sander I. Marcus
Not all academic underachievers are alike. The problem of underachievement is a symptom
- like a stomach ache - that can have many different causes, each of which requires a different solution.
Consider a random sample of, say, 100 students (from about 3rd grade through
graduate school) whom we would identify as "underachievers."
If we carefully assess each one, we will find that there are many different underlying
causes. These can include ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder), LD (Learning Disability), various medical problems, ability issues, significant emotional or psychological problems, situational problems
(such as parental illness or divorce), academic problems (such as not being prepared for certain courses, or
not having effective study skills), and others.
A student can also underachieve because the orientation and teaching style of the
school is not consistent with student's learning style or cognitive pattern of strengths and weaknesses.
In our
random group of 100 underachievers, if we identify those having any of these typical reasons for underachievement,
we are usually left with a sub-group (possibly 15%) who are consistent academic underachievers and who do not appear to have any of the above problems (at least
to a significant enough degree to explain the underachievement). These "chronic" academic underachievers do
not respond to any of the usual treatments or approaches for any of the above problems.
Based
on over 35 years of professional experience in diagnosing, counseling, researching, consulting, and training specifically in working with this group of chronic underachievers, we have found that
they typically can be subdivided further by personality style. Each of these personality styles is at the heart of the underachievement, and each requires a careful assessment and a different counseling or remedial approach in order to change the underachievement into achievement.
Each of these personality styles can be described as having a predictable pattern of behavior and characteristics, and each requires a different
way of intervening. This is described in detail in the books which chronicle the work of me and my colleagues (see below).
In a nutshell, the 5 most common styles are as follows:
1. The worried or anxious underachiever. This student is indeed typically described as anxious and insecure. Often they're over-worried about details, have a high level of self-doubt, and experience a high level of tension that interfere with their ability to concentrate and do their best work. They're
often dependent on what others think about them, and need constant approval and reassurance.
They really are motivated to achieve, but their own insecurities and anxieties get in the way. The most productive approach is to help them reduce their level of anxiety, focus on the tasks that are important, and provide enough support to reduce their sense of dependency and self-criticism.
2. The acting-out and manipulative underachiever. These students are typically described as impulsive and as not having any patience, especially to do the kind of quiet and persistent thinking and attention that schoolwork requires. They can seem very charming and friendly, but have a history of irresponsible behavior and getting into trouble, often by doing
things that break the rules or are otherwise less than proper.
Helping them to achieve typically requires an ability to confront their self-defeating and often manipulative behavior, focus on their need to learn self-control, and pinpoint the real benefits to them of achieving in school, and do all this while maintaining a supportive relationship.
3. The easygoing, "lazy and unmotivated" underachiever. This group may account for 50% of chronic academic underachievers. This is the most common style of
all, but is typically a puzzle to teachers, counselors, and parents, and is a student who doesn't respond to the usual approaches (counseling, rewards and punishments, medication, tutoring, etc.). These students appear to have no other
significant problems - they just continue to underachieve.
They claim that they would like to get better grades, but they always seem to have
an excuse (such as forgetting their books, studying the wrong material, or getting bored). They procrastinate, not only with schoolwork but also with household chores and other personal responsibilities.
Otherwise, they're relaxed and friendly. These students are usually thought of as lacking in motivation and lazy. Our work with this style clearly indicates that they are actually highly motivated - not to achieve, but to maintain a kind of mediocre status quo and avoid the pains of growth, responsibility, and achievement.
The approach that has been the most successful is a careful intervention into their excuses and their way of thinking about why they are not getting the grades they seem to want. This requires working with them on the specifics of their actual,
day-to-day academic preparation, linking these problems to their professed goals, and following up. This approach is chronicled in detail in "The Psychology of Underachievement" and "Could Do Better" by
Drs. Mandel and Marcus.
4. The oppositional underachiever. These students are constantly
negative towards the authority figures around them. They often have a defiant and angry stance towards others. They are motivated to underachieve because the underachievement is an act of rebellion. The most productive approach to this style is to point
out the self-defeating nature of the rebellion and to avoid getting to any power struggles with the student.
5. The introspective underachiever. These students are very thoughtful, confused, and independent. They are typically at a point in adolescence or early adulthood in which they are trying to figure out who they are, where they are going, and what life means. In their
intense focus on these issues, achievement in school is not a primary consideration. The most effective approach with this
style is supportive, empathetic, and reflective listening, with a focus on values and self-perceptions.
Whether you are
a parent, teacher, counselor, or other professional, keeping these different styles in mind can help to identify the causes of underachievement in a given
student and provide a path towards an effective solution.
Author's Bio: Sander
Marcus, Ph.D., CPRW, is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist & Certified Professional Résumé Writer. Dr. Marcus has decades
of experience in providing career counseling, underachievement & motivational diagnosis & counseling, aptitude testing,
job search coaching & resume writing. He is the co-author of 2 books on academic underachievement & the co-author
of a test of achievement motivation. He may be contacted at marcus@iit.edu or 312-567-3358. http://www.center.iit.edu
additional definitions
mi·sog·y·nist
n. One who hates women.
vit·ri·ol
n.
-
- See sulfuric acid.
- Any of various sulfates of metals, such as ferrous sulfate, zinc sulfate, or copper
sulfate.
- Bitterly abusive feeling or expression.
tr.v. vit·ri·oled, or vit·ri·olled vit·ri·ol·ing, or vit·ri·ol·ling vit·ri·ols
or vit·ri·ols
- To expose or subject to vitriol.
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Why Do These Irresponsible
People Blame Society for Their Problems?
A few weeks ago I wrote a
column about population growth and poverty. In response came a letter that took my breath away. It says, in part:
"I
was born into a very poor family. I'm the oldest of 7 and my mother also had 5 miscarriages. Since she was ill most of the
time and my father was in and out of jail, we lived on "relief" (as it was then called)
in a roach-infested 4-room cold-water apartment. I basically raised my brothers and sisters from the time I was 7."
"I
was seduced when I was 15 by a 21-year-old man - the first man who had ever made me feel special.
Though I was a straight-A student, I had to leave school when I became pregnant. He did marry me and support me (somewhat, thru criminal activities). We had 3 hildren by the
time I was 18. I won scholarships to go to school at night (while working full time during
the day), ultimately earning an MBA. After 14 years of misery I could take the kids and leave him."
"He
fathered many illegitimate children. Some of them have fallen into the same pattern of unwed parenthood, poverty and crime.
The same thing has happened to some of my brothers and sisters. One sister has 6 children by 5 different men and has lived
on welfare her entire life. The violence, depravity and suffering she and her children have gone through is beyond most people's
ability to comprehend."
"I'm
now a manager at AT&T and my current husband and I recently were able to buy a lovely home. My children suffered some
ill effects from growing up in a bad neighborhood, but I was able to shield them from a lot. "
"My
current husband was raised in a loving and comfortable environment. I won't say his childhood was perfect, but it was idyllic in comparison to mine. I read your article to him and asked him what he thought. 'Why do these irresponsible people blame society for their problems?' was his response."
"I
was stunned - this from a good, kind, caring man! I pointed out that I was one of those 'irresponsible' people. But then I realized
he can't understand, because he's never experienced these terrible circumstances. He can't even stand to hear my stories."
"It
seems the more you need help, the easier it is for the fortunate to blame you and legislate against you, believing they've 'earned' their situation, so the same must go for you. We cheerfully spend billions on military defense against 'enemies,' but we begrudge every dollar spent defending our own children from evil forces much closer to home. I wonder if this kind of thinking is at the heart of the public's inability to understand or enact programs
that could end poverty?"
"Sincerely, Rose M. Berkowitz"
I asked Ms. Berkowitz if I
could make her letter public. And I asked her, "Could society have helped you? Can we help those who are still caught in the poverty cycle?"
She answered with a bit about
specific programs. "i.e., we need long-term shelters for battered women and their children, where they can stay until they've been counseled, educated, outfitted for a good job and helped to find safe and decent housing. There are local
programs already in place throughout the country. These could be studied and the best ideas applied on a nationwide basis."
But she most wants to work
on the impasse she felt with her current husband: the difficulty of reaching across barrier of different experience. She wants
us to take up the challenge of communicating, emphathizing, understanding.
"Well-off people may feel justified in having a conniption because they can't find the right new outfit or they may get drunk because they have to postpone their
vacation. But they can't understand how a poor father can lash out in frustration because he can't find a job, or how an abused teenage girl can turn to drugs or sex for solace.
"If people could understand,
they'd see how to take action. There are 2 things to understand,
Then she makes a suggestion
so crashingly obvious I can't imagine why we haven't done it long ago:
"Why not
ask those who need help how they want to be helped, rather than imposing uninformed ideas? Why not get people like me, who
have lived in poverty and who have gotten out, to provide input to social programs?"
I can't imagine why not, unless
we're afraid of looking poverty in the eye, learning the names and stories of the people caught in it and seeking sincerely
to help them, or at least to stop labeling them all "irresponsible." Poverty isn't catching.
We won't get it by coming close. Quite the contrary, if we continue to keep our distance, poverty will touch us anyway, thru its waves of violence, misery and unplanned, unloved, uneducated, abused, damaged children.
How To Overcome The Fear Of Confrontation and Earn Respect From Others
By Rosalind Henderson
Leslie came into room thirty-two fuming. "I can't believe it. My teaching partner stole my language arts lesson and presented it in front of the principal. I'm so angry I could hit her!" Mrs. Patterson gently touched Leslie's shoulder. "Whaaaat's going on? said Mrs. Patterson in a calm voice" "
My partner has finally broken the camel's back." Leslie explained the
months of offensive behavior that Rhonda exhibited -her drug use, her messiness, and her emotional instability in front of her students.
Mrs. Patterson
inquired,"Have you spoken to her about these things?" Leslie hung her head."No. I wanted to keep the peace between us so I just overlooked it... I hoped the problems would go away..."
There is a high cost to pay when we remain passive and silent. Stress mounts and spews over like an erupting volcano when we fail to speak up about behaviors, attitudes and problematic situations that should be addressed with other people.
Oftentimes,
problems grow more complex because we failed to address them speedily. This can result in lost money and time, ruptured relationships and low productivity.
Moreover, we tend to create the situations we've tried to avoid.
People often disrespect passive people because they fail to communicate their likes and dislikes, limitations and values.
Passive people appear not to respect themselves, and this gives permission to abusive people to continue their irresponsible and destructive behavior.
As
I began to work with Leslie, she began to see how her "nice girl" encouraged Leslie's dishonesty, disrespect and addictive behavior.
"Leslie," I suggested, first you might want to consider addressing the most offensive behavior first. Then we can talk about how to have that difficult conversation with Rhonda."
However, as we peeled back the layers
of the situation , it became apparent that at the heart of Leslie's passivity was fear - extreme fear of confrontation. We needed to address this before going any further.
3 Ways to Overcome
Fear of Confrontation
1. Role play
Many of us have not had the opportunity to learn how
negotiate problems
we have between ourselves and others. Find a mentor in this area.
Do you know someone who has problem solving skills? Can they clearly
state problems, site examples, and listen to the other party without over reacting?
Ask this person to play the role of the party you wish to address. Learn
from your mistakes and keep practicing. Learning how to have a confrontational conversation takes practice but you will build
your confidence and diminish fear as you actually do it.
2. Watch your thoughts
At the basis of most fears is illogical thinking patterns.Keep a journal. When fearful thoughts arise about confrontation write them down. You'll be surprised at the thoughts that swim in your head. For example, you might write: "If I speak up to Rhonda she might start yelling at me." Counter fearful, irrational thoughts with the truth:
"Yes, she may yell at me, but I don't have to listen to it.
I can leave the room or ask her to leave and come back to the
discussion when she has calmed down."
3. Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway!
While it is true that your hands may shake and beads of sweat might run
down your forehead, have the problem solving conversation anyway!
Does your problem solving
conversation have to be communicated perfectly?
No. If it's new skill for you, it will be like riding a bicycle without
training wheels - you'll fall and get back on and try again. Besides, you have rehearsed your problem solving conversation
with your mentor, and you'll present your points better than you think.
With each effort at being assertive, standing up to an
offense and solving differences, you'll find anxiety symptoms fade. Your self-esteem will rise.
We need to address problems that arise everyday. If other's hurtful attitudes, addictions, dishonesty, messiness, insensitivity and unfaithfulness offend you - speak up! By doing so, you are communicating to others how you want to be treated - with respect.
Author's Bio: Rosalind Henderson is a speaker, author & Peak
Performance expert. She is the director & founder of Life Keys Inc., a college student resource dedicated to empowering
college students to live life on purpose & with meaning. To book her for a speaking event contact her through www.rosalindhenderson.com
source site: click here
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Irresponsible Parents
by Tina Blue Oct. 25, 2003
Parents
amaze me sometimes. I think about the high school senior girls who were caught on videotape seriously abusing junior girls in a hazing incident. Parents brought the beer kegs and drank along with the girls and other students
while watching the events unfold.
A
touch football game between suburban Chicago high school girls turned into a brutal hazing in which players were slapped,
punched, doused with paint and splattered in the face with mud and feces.
Officials
at Glenbrook North High in Northbrook were examining videotapes taken by students who had gone to a park Sunday to watch the
annual "powder puff" football game between junior and senior girls.
When the girls who committed the assaults were suspended from school and from extracurricular activities for
their participation, their parents sued the school! Of course. Their girls' "rights" were at stake. Which rights? Their right to commit assault and to put younger
girls into the hospital with injuries, without suffering any consequences?
Now I read about a case in Florida, where an 8-year old boy was ticketed for a traffic violation that could
have gotten him killed ("Fla. 8-Year-Old Gets Traffic Ticket For Bike Mishap" click here to read
His parents are outraged that he was cited.
Little Scott caused an accident that damaged a vehicle. In order for the car's owner to get insurance to cover the $500-$1000
in repairs, someone has to be cited for the accident:
If no one is cited during an accident, insurance companies will demand that vehicle owners pay
for their damages even if they're not at fault. It's a liability as well as a safety issue, [Bradenton
Police Lt. Sam] Campbell said.
The
accident was Scott's fault. He didn't yield the right of way, but instead, while bike-jumping
a dirt mound with friends, pulled directly into the path of a car that clearly had the right of way:
Scott was riding a bicycle in his neighborhood when he jumped a dirt
mound with 5 of his friends, Bradenton Police Lt. Sam Campbell said. He crossed paths with a 2001 Nissan and the car clipped
the rear tire of Scott's 5-pound, 16-inch BMX bicycle.
It's
just luck that he wasn't injured or killed. Amazing luck.
But Scott's parents are outraged that he was cited for the traffic violation and they now must pay his $34 ticket,
because he is a kid and he can't pay it.
"I'm going to not pay this
ticket and Scott's definitely not going to pay it," said Danielle McIntosh, the boy's mother. She added the only money her
son has is the allowance he has been saving for a battery-operated miniature truck.
"He's an 8-year-old child. He doesn't understand what
the right of way is," She said.
Okay. Let's ignore for the moment the fact that this boy wasn't wearing a helmet while jumping obstacles on his bike. Not riding calmly down the street. Jumping obstacles!
Here's my question: If your son doesn't even know what right of way is, why the devil are you allowing him to
ride around unsupervised in the streets?! And why are you letting this little kid do dangerous stunts like jumping obstacles
w/his bike - -without a helmet, yet? Are you that eager to return to the much less demanding state of childlessness?
As the Chicago hazing incident shows, this sort of irresponsible parenting
cuts across class lines. Know what I wish? I wish there were a way to ticket parents for violating the laws of basic common sense and
parental responsibility when they behave like this.
Irresponsible Teachers in America Today
kathleen howe
I'm just plain disgusted at the irresponsible attitudes of the educators of our children. That's right! I said it, the teachers are
incredibly irresponsible in today's classrooms! No matter what color you type it in, it still can't be disguised as anything else, but irresponsibility!
There are several reasons for my this
belief of mine. I'll share them with you, because I can just imagine the wheels turning in your head, thinking about your child's sweet kindergarten teacher, a person that your child spends a large part of his/her day with. A person
who is a major role model for your child; your child's teacher, the person with whom you trust
your child's well-being with all day - is a person you like, admire & until now, you haven't found there to be anything negative about.
I bet you're thinking in that cluttered mind of yours, as you've just queried your way thru search engines, that if your childrens' teachers are
irresponsible & you haven't recognized this fact yet, that it makes you rather - well... don't take offense, because we've all been there at one time or another
- "feeling ignorant & irresponsible as a parent" for not recognizing the facts that I'm about to discuss with you.
You see, I've been a parent a long time. I most often times refer to myself as, "the mother
of the earth." Reason being, I have 5 children of my own, I've partially raised several other children, I've been in home
child care for years as well as just enjoying every child that crosses my pathway! I love kids. Babies are my favorites, but all children are wonderful. I can honestly say that if I had the resources, I'd adopt many many children who can't seem to find themselves loved by anyone. I would just be so feeling honored to be a mother to them.
In my recovery process, I've been able to train myself to
be open minded enough to accept my own faults & my own blessed ignorance. I've allowed myself to be imperfect as the "mother of the earth" which also allows me to admit my faults openly to all of you, because I'll readily take responsibility for all of the things that I was feeling ignorant of, (key word being "was") but now am educated about. I've acquired some personal
wisdom in the educational process that our children find themselves in today. I've thrown myself into it. I wanted
to see it first hand. I now am more frustrated than ever that I have children trying to survive in it though.
Well folks, here are my main concerns... send me an e-mail if you have more than what I've listed here, because I'm sure that there are many more reasons why not only the teachers
are irresponsible with our children's education, but the administrators are as well! I'd
like to post as many reasons as possible here, because after some parents read these facts, maybe awareness of these extremely important problems, can bring forth some kind of changes!
Problem #1: Teachers do not respect their students. It's true. Teachers today do not respect the basic human rights of their students. They demean, intimidate & rudely speak to their students as if they're not human. They have an idea in their heads that they can do whatever
they want with the children entrusted to their care.
An example, (or two) I'll state from my own repetoire of
horrible personal experiences with teachers. This year, I was forced to take my son out of the private Catholic school he
was attending with his younger sister to put him back into, perhaps, one of the worst public schools in the country. Hold
onto your keyboards, because this may send you reeling in your office chair if it has wheels!
The teacher in one of his classes, (he's almost 14 years old) was speaking to another teacher of his, loudly enough for my son to hear although
he was at quite a distance from the two of them & said something to the effect of,
"That Preston, he's trouble.... he's a big fat liar, that's what he is.... don't
give him any slack because all he does is lie!"
I can assure you that not only did my son's ears
pick up on that statement, but most of his classmates did as well. Not only was my son feeling hurt, hurt feelings by this comment, (even if it was almost true) he was also feeling humiliated in front of all of his peers. This comment by his teacher, allowed the class to join in an terrorize him at recess, in the
hallways & on the bus ride home. It was an instant, "get out of jail free" card for every bully, every mean spirited child in the room to pick on my son even more than they already did, because we're not Catholic.
His spanish teacher would humiliate not only
him as an 8th grader, but also my daughter in the 6th grade. They assured me that they weren't just picked out of the crowd
to receive all the humiliation. Their classmates were often picked out of the crowd, in no apparent system, to speak in a totaling demeaning, loud tone of voice, just to make her feel better. She had my daughter in tears one day because she implied that she had
better find out her own way to get make up work for the times she was out of class being tutored by the "special tutors" brought
in unwillingly by the school administration at our request - from the state because of the trusty No Child Left Behind Act.
This spanish teacher would say things like, "It's
not my job to make sure you understand this work." or "It's not my job to explain what that means." or "If you miss any work,
you'll have to ask one of you classmates to write it down for you!" It was apparent to me that the only thing that was her
job, was to be really disrespectful to her students.
It has been a common practice for most of the
teachers I've been in contact with to speak disrespectfully to their students. Now that my son is out of the Catholic school
and in the public school system, I found myself having to speak to the principal last week because the teacher said to my
son, "You should be slapped for giving that presentation." He has mistakenly used the word
"sky" instead of "stars" which infuriated his teacher.
When my children were both in the public elementary
school, I found myself having to change my daughter's teacher mid semester. Her teacher was bullying her every day. She spoke
down to her, causing everyday in school to begin with an ocean of tears, for some unknown reason. When I spoke with the teacher,
I asked her, "Why are you calling my daughter 'a white girl'?" (The teacher being African American)
She looked at me & stated, "The last time I looked at her, she was white."
After speaking to the principal, I was picking
up my daughter from her classroom, when the teacher saw me in the hallway. She pointed her finger at me & yelled out loudly,
"Hey you! I want to talk to you! Get over here!" The teacher remains employed by the Dayton
Public School system. She yelled at me for about 30 minutes. I let her go on and on. I just listened. If you let someone scream
and rant long enough, they'll hang themselves. She did. I smiled, I walked away from her, I didn't play her game.
One of my daughters was in a gifted program.
She reported her teacher telling the class, "You children in this class are very intelligent. This makes you "special." It
would be in your best interest to only have contact with other children in the gifted program. The other children are not
as bright as you are. This may not be to your advantage."
I have only experienced a few very good teachers
in my many years associated with the educational system in America. It's a shame. The teachers have said things to my children
that I would never say to them.
They have told my children that:
-
they don't care if someone destroyed their brand new backpack
-
they don't care if someone is bullying them
-
they don't care if someone has said swear words to them
-
they don't care if they need a drink of water, because they aren't going to get
one
-
they don't care if the child has to use the restroom, if the child has to throw
up, let them throw up in the classroom, if the child has to go to the bathroom, well they just have to hold it
-
they've been told how stupid, irresponsible, ridiculous they are
If you're siding with the teachers about drinking
water & going to the bathroom, I'll let you in on a very true fact. There are many many cases these days of especially
girls getting urinary tract infections & disorders because they have not been allowed to use the restroom when they need
to. My own daughter went thru surgery to have her ureters re-implanted because she had urine reflux. Urine reflux is becoming
more and more common because the bladder gets so full that urine backs up into the ureters and then into the kidneys.
Problem #2: Because teachers are so liberal with their own
verbage towards the students, in humiliating them, intimidating them, degrading them, themselves, the other students believe that they're able to treat other students in the same manner.
Although bullying contracts have been signed by teachers, students, administrators and parents for quite a few years now, I've found that teachers
do not help students who are being bullied, unless the behavior causes severe injury that requires parental notification.
Teachers have been the perfect example of what a bully is described as themselves. They for the most part do not model caring,
kind, or respectful behavior.
Problem #3: Teachers encourage
cliques, bullying & other negative & unacceptable behaviors because they don't want to take the time to discipline
students for this type of problem. (although no bullying contracts are often signed at the beginning of the year that
state teachers are responsible for dealing with bullies)
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