   A Personal Note for my
Visitors: I've never lost a child to death. I can't say that, "I know how you feel." to the many
American moms throughout the United States in this time of war who have lost a son or a daughter. It crushes my soul, each
time I hear the news. Daily the numbers seem to rise. It seems like there's never a day when the death toll stays even anymore.
I don't know how you feel. I haven't experienced it.
I have experienced the loss of a child to an unfair practice that is more common that one would think
in the United States today. It's more common that one would think because it's allowed to transpire within our
legal system because of the fight for power and money these days seems to revolve around our most precious commodities, our
children. Parental alienation is running rampant throughout our court systems, being supported through child support services,
child guardian ad litems, judges and stupified court appointed lawyers who don't care much about anything as long as they
put in their time. It's nothing but politics...
Look at the news today, a man arrested in Mexico for shooting a judge in his custody fight. He had power,
money, but not the control, so he shot the judge.... this stuff happens... it's politics.
I've grieved for years, 10 years to be exact, since my son was 8 years old and stolen from me by a woman
and a man with whom I was emotionally tied to. I was married to his father for almost 9 years and his step mother was a good
friend for a few years. She threatened me once she had stolen my husband, "I've stolen your husband and now I'll steal your
son."
She funded my husband's alibi, as he quit his job as a Kent County Sheriff's Deputy in Grand Rapids, Michigan.
He had already left me once, giving me no financial support with two children that were mine prior to my marriage to him as
well as our son, in kindergarten. He had moved us up to Grand Rapids, Michigan against my first husband's wishes, as he didn't
want his girls so far away from him. He told me to give up my child support as he would take care of us so the move wouldn't
be held up in the court system. I did. He didn't.
He moved back in with me and his son after I was forced to send my daughters to their father in Florida
because I couldn't support them all and take care of them the way they needed me to.... then I came home early one day from
work... he was in bed with my best friend and next door neighbor.
My heart was torn from my body and slowly broken into many shattered pieces, leaving only enough to keep
me alive, breathing, my body working. I began to experience panic attacks, over 300 in one year. I gave up on life. I gave
up on myself. I was a good mother. I loved my children. I was turned into an unfit mother who had an addiction, who did every
unimaginable thing possible to hurt her children in the eyes of the court, in the eyes of the guardian ad litem, and I felt
as though my son was dead. I couldn't be in his company without breaking down.
I've survived it. I still have my son. He's over the age of 18. He tried to come live with me at 16. His
father had beat him. He had called me on the phone. He was hysterical. A day later he called me to say, he was staying with
his dad. His father had told him that if he came to live with me that he wouldn't love him anymore. He told his son, whom
he had been given custody of because he was the "better" parent, that if he came to live with me, he wouldn't ever talk to
him again. He told him he would disown him.
I understood. It had always been about power and control. He was raised by a police officer father who had
an alcoholic wife. She had to be managed because mentally, she had been broken, abused, until all that was left was the vodka.
The father had power and control over the marriage, over the two boys, over his own life. In my own marriage, he had
power and control over me. He bought me a fake diamond ring as an engagement ring, but I never questioned it. He charged on
his charge cards, flowers to be delivered to me weekly, he bought me a car, he made it seem like he was financially stable,
but in reality he was getting divorced for the 3rd time at the tender age of 28.
He was actually still married when he asked me to move in with him, but I didn't know it. He was in debt.
He didn't like doing housework. He didn't know how to cook and take care of himself.
I don't know how you feel, you "American moms and families" that have lost a loved one in the war in Iraq
or in Afghanistan or in the military at all.... There's all kinds of politics behind your child's death, just as there were
all kinds of politics behind losing my son through parental alienation. It's all about power and control. It's all about money.
But I grieve with you all. I am saddened each day when I hear the news.
Grief is a complex emotion. Give grief its due. You must go thru the stages, completely, entirely, to let
it go - when? eventually. I'm praying for you all, daily, sometimes, momentarily, as I go thru my day, thinking about the
engulfing pain you're experiencing. I'm here, if you ever want to share with others, your feelings, your emotions and I'll
be so glad to post them for you to share.
Everyone who is exposed to grief will understand these words. Grief, give it its due. It takes so much time
to heal, but it's possible, someday to feel better.
Sincerely, Kathleen
Grief in our
own Homeland
Grief after Death & Loss from
Hurricane Katrina
“The
worst thing about grief is the length of time during which the experience lasts. For the
first weeks one is in a state of shock. But the agony lasts long after the state of shock comes to an end. After a year, or about two, the agony gives way to a dull ache, a sort
of void. During the night in one’s dreams, and in the morning when one wakes, one is vaguely aware that something is wrong and, when waking is complete, one knows exactly what it is.”
~ Lord Halisham of St. Marylebone, A Sparrow’s Flight.
The survivors of loved ones who died as a result of Hurricane Katrina or from the incidents of criminal
behavior in its aftermath are often not only overwhelmed by the sudden loss but also the manner of death. Grief is complicated by reactions that
are volcanic in nature - throwing the survivors back and forth between different emotions and feelings.
When people are missing, when their bodies haven't been identified or found, when there's the anguished
possibility that they never will be found, the sense of loss is compounded.
Each day that goes by is a nightmare revisited. Shock doesn’t last for a few moments or a few days
- it's repetitively experienced as survivors realize the deep hole in their life that will never be repaired.
Intermittent
crying, heart pain, weakness, nausea, insomnia and loss of appetite often occur.
Routine
is lost, daily concerns of yesterday seem remote and unimportant.
Physical
numbness is compounded by emotional numbness in an attempt to avoid the intensity of sorrow and despair.
People who are survivors of those who died or are missing often are besieged with feelings of dread, horror and guilt.
Body aches,
stomach and intestinal pain, muscle tension, sleep disruption and nightmares and appetite changes may occur.
For those
who have loved ones missing, there is the fear of the ultimate knowledge that those loved ones have died. If there are no bodies found or no way to identify someone who
is missing, there may be a lingering fear that “giving up hope” is a betrayal of the person missing.
Horror
results from witnessing such total destruction of the seemingly indestructible communities where they lived
and the certain deaths of so many in the immediate path of the hurricane and the dangers left behind in its wake. It also
is the consequence of imagining what loved ones experienced as they died.
Agonizing questions may plague survivors, like: Did they know they were going to die? Did they live for a while after being
injured and die while hoping for rescue? Were they in pain? Was it a quick or slow death? In most cases these questions can never be answered and the
lack of knowledge for survivors may haunt them for months or years.
They
may want to avenge the death of their loved ones. There may be a desire for revenge or blame. An intense need for retribution may overwhelm them. They may never have thought seriously about the concept of evil and may never have felt such intensity of rage.
There
may be some who, for the first time, are having feelings of anger at their God or hatred for the perpetrators of violence in the hurricane’s aftermath.
Anger may be directed at their God or higher being or at those involved in the criminal acts that followed the hurricane, but it also can be directed at others
- government agencies or institutions that should have prevented some of the destruction or devastation or been better prepared to respond in its aftermath, law enforcement or helping agencies or organizations that weren’t
or aren’t able to help.
Anger and irritability may also be directed at those closest to the survivors. Even friends and family members may not seem to understand each other and may feel that their natural support system is intrusive because the people within it are grieving or responding in a different way.
Survivors may experience depression.
They experience
an inability to think or act. Often there's a loss of concentration when talking or trying to do simple things.
The sleeplessness
that often accompanies the anxiety or faceless fears may turn into a lethargy resulting from exhaustion but also caused by the sense of hopelessness and the meaninglessness of living.
There
may be an urge to recover what was lost, but with a recognition that there can be no recovery.
They may feel detached emotionally from all that is going on around them. They may also find that what were once meaningful or pleasurable activities
have no value to them anymore.
There's
no way to predict the length of the grieving process. For many, this process
will be extended due to the trauma of the hurricane’s impact and the seemingly slow response for rescue and shelter in its aftermath.
It may
also be extended due to the length of time that occurs between the hurricane and the final identification of
someone who's been missing. It can be extended due to the feelings of a need for justice in the resulting criminal incidents, which can't be satisfied until the perpetrators are identified and accounted for.
It's hard
to begin to think about a future that will not include loved ones who are gone. Often a sense of that future and a plan for that future is
created a little at a time, day-by-day.
- At first, the important thing is to plan how one can get through the next 24 hours – what must be done for children, pets, family members, or friends –
what must be done about work or at home or what's left of it, if anything - the needs that must be met for survival.
- Getting through life a day
at a time is difficult. It's complicated by the fact that, for many, the demands of planning or participating in funerals, memorials, or deciding what's the appropriate way to mark the missing or dead person’s
life are immediate.
Survivors will often feel
compelled to participate in local, state, or national memorial ceremonies. They may feel pressure to have personal memorials or funerals for missing persons even though the death hasn't been officially confirmed.
- As time goes on, survivors
can begin to think about what will happen in the next week or month - events that will be happening that affect their lives. Are there important personal events - like children’s or loved ones’ birthdays?
Are there routine activities
which survivors participated in before the hurricane that need to be resumed? Are there work-related demands that must be met? Creating a plan of action for dealing with those demands can be of great importance in helping people get through those weeks.
- Survivors should
gradually begin to think about a more distant future, such as how to deal with long-term financial issues, who'll do the things
that the missing or dead person did at home or at work, holidays that'll occur this fall, what'll be done with the belongings
of the missing or deceased and so on.
Many survivors
find comfort in their religion and their spiritual beliefs.
Spiritual
leaders can often be helpful in exploring questions of faith.
- Spiritual sanctuaries can
sometimes provide feelings of safety and security.
- Prayer can be a form of crisis
intervention, for it's often a way of telling one’s story to God.
- Rituals can be a source of
reassuring routines as well as a way of integrating old traditions with new traditions that may be created as a result of
a loved one’s death.
- Those who don't have a faith system or established spiritual beliefs may find it helpful to explore what makes life meaningful for them and others.
Survivors
should be encouraged to remember that the relationship they had with their loved one shaped their life before and will continue to shape their
view of the world.
They
see the world, in part, through the eyes of their loved one. Many survivors find themselves saying to themselves,
“I know he or she would want me to do this.” They carry forward a part of that person in the way they live.
They can
continue to live in relationship to their loved one by remembering their perspectives, their joys and their sorrows.
They can
take advantage of their memories by maintaining communication through journals or letters to loved ones –
or talk to them when they need to. They can think about what they want people to know about their loved ones’ lives and talk to others about it.
Understanding Grief and Loss in Times of War and Disaster - By Jan Stepehen Maizler, LCSW
There are many different kinds of losses we can experience in our lives. Indeed, loss in
human beings has its beginnings in the birth process that separates the infant from the comfort and security of the mother’s womb into a world where survival is conditional and predicated on individual responsibility.
The presumable final loss is the end of the human life cycle caused by death.
There
are many losses in between those polarities that relate to the developmental and aging process in each life.
All of these losses are expectable losses and our bereavement and mourning of these losses are colored by their expectability
Losses can be understood and processed more effectively when they're placed in a meaningful theoretical framework.
Here are some examples:
1. Normal (expected) losses vs. abnormal (unexpected) losses.
2. Universal losses vs. special
losses.
3. Chronic losses vs. acute losses.
4. Mild losses vs. severe losses.
5. Replaceable losses vs. irreplaceable
losses.
Unexpected losses,
by definition can't be anticipated or prepared for and therefore impact people with a “rapid” challenge. Adjustment to an unexpected loss is difficult because of the suddenness of the demand to the person’s psychic
and emotional economy.
Unexpected losses can be acute or chronic. A diagnosis of Alzheimer’s Disease is unexpected,
but it's a chronic loss that may feature many years of gradual decline for the patient and their loved ones for adjustment.
Sudden death of a loved one through war and natural disasters like the recent Tsunami are
quintessential examples of acute unexpected losses and place upon survivors the most severe adaptational demands.
Losses are considered to have more impact on people when they're
irreplaceable, which means that they can't be somewhat “undone.” Loss of your car through theft may indeed be
potentially replaceable - obviously, the loss of a loved one isn't.
Therefore, understanding grief and loss in war and disaster means realizing
that these are some of the most terrible losses experienced because they're unexpected, “special”, acute, severe
and irreplaceable.
The
symptoms of these losses can be understood just as much as a post-traumatic stress disorder, as they're a part of bereavement.
THE SYMPTOMS OF TRAUMATIC
LOSS:
Understanding and bearing the grieving process of traumatic loss is easier when you're
aware of the symptoms that'll be experienced.
Traumatic
loss can call forth:
1. Shock
2. Disorientation
3. Severe preoccupation
4. Hysteria
5. Acute suicidal feelings
6. Inability to function
7. Flashbacks
8. Amnesia
9. Severe phobic reactions
10. Startle reactions
11. Motor restlessness
12. Anxiety and Panic
These are certainly in contrast to the:
-
crying
-
-
preoccupation
-
anhedonia
-
found with milder, more expectable losses.
STAGES OF GRIEF IN MILD and TRAUMATIC LOSS
Denial. One can expect that traumatic losses will trigger some level of denial. Nature has provided people with the neuropsychological equipment to provide themselves with soothing body-based opiates
that accompany denial and shock. This creates a stop-action, freezeframe period to buy the time involved to readjust.
Preoccupation with the Loss. Opening up to that which has been lost will involve various degrees of preoccupation with the loss itself.
Many
clinicians believe it isn't the passage of time that heals but the rearrangement of ideas that are involved
in the passage of time. Further they feel that the affect of sadness favor the slowing of mental processes which bring about more reorganization of ideas.
Griefwork or losswork is painful. It requires energy and expends energy. The bearing of emotional
pain, physical symptoms and the shifting of previous habits or thinking which now demand reorganization, frequently cause personal exhaustion and the normal challenges of life may be too great at this time.
Another aspect
of the preoccupation stage of loss represents what Kubler-Ross referred to as “bargaining.”
In
part, This term describes moments and sequences of the mental reorganization process, where the wish to return
to the pre-loss stage is felt or expressed.
The
broad sweep of optimal adjustment will hopefully dictate that this interlude will become a simple double-check which points out that, in fact, what is lost is lost and will
stay that way and the mourning process proceeds.
The Tree of Loss. People undergoing loss may experience the return of previous losses, both resolved
and unresolved. Clinicians are familiar with this phenomenon and remain aware that this presents an opportunity for additional resolutions. Each person has their own special tree of loss, which is based
on the losses they experienced in their life from birth up until the present moment.
Completeness of the Mourning Process. How
well the person proceeds from the preoccupation stage to the withdrawal of energy from the loss stage depends on how completely
the griefwork has been done.
Essential
to this completeness are the confronting of painful feelings, dealing with unfinished business and guilt resolutions.
People may require some help to
tie up their loose ends (unfinished business) from another human being
or a trained professional when it seems they're unable to “move on”. This may involve revisitations of old emotional scenarios and events, which keep the person stuck
in the past.
The presence of guilt (the personal belief that one has done something bad as regards to their value system) is sure to retard the resolution of loss. Again, it may be necessary to seek professional help when the
trauma of the loss or guilt is severe.
Withdrawal
of Energy and Acceptance. When all of the above has occurred, the grieving person will slowly withdraw
the old emotional investment in that which was lost (decathexis).
This may initiate a reworking of the previous stages in miniature, with an ultimate arrival some time
in the future of acceptance of the loss, a sure sign that resolution and “moving on” has occurred.
Reinvestment of Energy.
The “final” stage of this process, reinvestment of emotional energy may take a very long time to reach after the
previous stages. Many people that have experienced a traumatic loss may never reinvest their emotional energy out of a fear of further loss or because they remain somewhat emotionally disorganized. If the previous stages have been poorly resolved,
the chances of optimal reinvestment may be slim to none.
Many people remain stuck
in a pre-reinvestment state, haunting the interpersonal world, but never getting truly involved:
they're like ghosts too frightened to move on.
Other people
remain “stuck” when they idealize the traumatic loss of their loved one and subsist on the bittersweet fruit
of martyrdom.
Others
who are more fortunate realize that loss is inevitable and decide that they're too unwilling to settle for a life crippled by fear of further loss. These people reinvest their emotional energy and take their chances in lives hopefully enriched by a deeper understanding of the many dimensions of loss.
Jan
Stephen Maizler, MSW, ACSW, LCSW, is in private practice in Miami, FL. He can be reached thru his websites www.transformationhandbook.com
or www.relationshiphandbook.com
Shermin Davis helped edit this article. She is private practice in Miami, Florida
and can be reached at Srdavis@prodigy.net
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Relative ease of Gaza pullout sets precedent
Some see hope for further Israeli-Palestinian progress toward peace
Updated: 8:43 p.m. ET Aug. 19, 2005
article by the associated press see copyright at bottom of article & link to article page at
bottom of this page
JERUSALEM
- With its lightning operation in Gaza - nearly all Jewish settlers evacuated in just 55 hours Israel has shown
the world that it can dismantle such enclaves with relative ease, despite the settlers’ tears, anguish and occasional
violence.
Having
set this precedent, Israel will likely come under increasingly intense pressure to do the same in the West Bank - though Israeli officials insist it could be years before settlements there even come up
for discussion.
On the
Palestinian side, leader Mahmoud Abbas’ success in preventing deadly attacks by militants during the pullout has boosted his image as a peace partner and given new weight to his demand that Israel resume negotiations.
Prime Minister Ariel Sharon
has repeatedly said his decision to withdraw from Gaza was the hardest he ever made and the events of the past few days seemed
to back his claim that Israel was making a painful concession.
With the
world watching via live TV broadcasts, troops dragged sobbing settlers from homes and synagogues and battled rioting youth
on rooftops. Soldiers and police often broke down in tears themselves as they carried babies out of nurseries and endured
abuse from settlers who called them Nazis and traitors.
Not
as powerful as they seemed
By Friday, 17 out 21 Gaza settlements had been evacuated,
or 85% of the settler population. And while some say these agonizing scenes will eventually be forgotten, the swiftness of the pullout will not.
“If
we can withdraw from Gaza in two days, speaking about the West Bank is now possible,” said Yossi Beilin, leader of the
dovish Yahad Party. “The biggest victory of the past two days is the feasibility of withdrawal.”
Amnon Dankner, editor of Israel’s
mass-circulation Maariv daily, said the uprooting of settlers has shattered the widespread Israeli belief that the settlement movement is so powerful that it can veto any land-for-peace deal with the Palestinians. “The resistance (of the settlers) was squashed on first
day,” he said.
Shaul Goldstein, head of the
Yesha council of settlements, acknowledged defeat, despite months of bitter struggle on the streets and in parliament.
Settlers
focus on drawing the line
He said settlers would now return to political lobbying
to make sure the evacuation of four small West Bank settlements next week - also part of Sharon’s “disengagement”
from the Palestinians - will be the last time any of their enclaves are taken down.
Israeli
security officials fear one of those West Bank enclaves, Sanur, will be a bastion of resistance and that violence there will be much more intense
than the worst of the Gaza clashes, when rioters threw paint, chemicals and sand at troops trying to haul them off the roof
of a synagogue in the Kfar Darom settlement.
Goldstein
said he was resigned to the loss of the 4 West Bank settlements and even pessimistic about the settlers’ political prospects. “We're very frustrated and disappointed in the whole political system,” he said.
Early
Israeli elections could be held in the spring. However, it appears unlikely a pro-settler candidate, such as former Finance
Minister Benjamin Netanyahu, will defeat the popular Sharon.
West Bank 'not
on the agenda' for now
Zalman Shoval, a foreign policy adviser to Sharon, said
the prime minister is in no rush to start negotiating with the Palestinians over the fate of the 122 West Bank settlements.
“The West Bank is not on the agenda right now and it will probably not be for a very long time,” he said.
Sharon
says that after the Gaza pullout, the Palestinians must work hard to prove themselves worthy as peace partners by dismantling militant groups and carrying out government reform. Only then could the two sides get started on
the “road map” - the internationally backed plan that would eventually lead to Palestinian statehood.
Shoval
said negotiations on the terms of Palestinian statehood “may be years ahead.” He also bristled at the idea that
the Gaza pullout sets a precedent. “This is an isolated step taken by Israel,” he said.
Earlier
this week, U.S. Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice suggested that Israel must keep going. “Everyone empathizes with what the Israelis are facing,” she told The New York Times, referring to the Gaza pullout, but added that “it
can't be Gaza only.”
Taboo is broken
Palestinian legislator Hanan Ashrawi said that “a certain taboo has been
broken” with the removal of settlers and that it is important the two sides now keep going and negotiate a final deal.
She noted
that many Palestinians were amazed at the patience of Israeli troops with the settlers. “They (Palestinians) are used to the Israeli
army shooting at them, giving them 2 minutes to leave their homes,” she said, referring to Israeli army actions during
nearly 5 years of Israeli-Palestinian fighting.
In Gaza,
Abbas’ security forces were working hard to keep Palestinian militants from disrupting the pullout by opening fire on
soldiers or settlers.
Throughout
the week, various militant groups staged “victory” marches toward the Gush Katif settlement bloc, with crowds
led by masked gunmen. Initially, Palestinian police were ill-prepared to stop the marchers but in recent days deployed rows
of riot police.
On Friday,
Abbas was quick to ride the growing wave of joy over Israel’s departure and promised fenced-in Gazans freedom of movement, jobs and housing.
© 2005 The Associated Press.
Tears for Gaza
Our correspondent discovers that all sides are right in the forced evacuation of
Jewish settlers.
Newsweek
Updated: 2:21 p.m. ET Aug. 19, 2005
Aug. 19, 2005
- I am living the joke. You know, the joke about the rabbi who listens to the complaints of two feuding congregants.
One explains
why the other guy is wrong and the rabbi answers, “You are right!” Then the other guy states his case and
the rabbi says, “You’re right.” Then a third man who was listening asks, “Rabbi, they are at odds, how can they both be right?”
The rabbi
then turns to the third man and says, “You’re right, too.”
That’s
how I feel about the forced evacuation of Jewish settlers from Gaza.
I did
not want to write about Gaza because I deeply believe that everybody is right and who wants to hear that?
It works
in the joke but not in real life. I also thought I could avoid writing about Gaza because technically speaking I am not really a pundit. I am a commentator on the spiritual state of affairs on planet Earth.
Pundits
explain why something is happening and why something else will certainly happen next. And when they’re wrong, they write
another column explaining why it was inevitable that what they said would happen didn’t happen.
But then
Sharon from Malaysia wrote to tell me that she was waiting to hear from me about Gaza. All this time, my dear readers, I thought all you really wanted to read about is how to give a good wedding toast and the love life of penguins! So, for Sharon and for my spiritual integrity, here is what I think about Gaza.
The first
thing I think about is a question nobody seems to have asked. Why can 1 million Arabs live in peace within Israel but 9,000 Jews can’t live in peace in Palestine?
I know
the Palestinians consider Gaza occupied territory, even though it was taken from Egypt in 1967, not from Palestinians
and even though the United Nations calls it a disputed, not occupied, territory. But the truth is that Palestine already exists and that the Palestinian Authority is responsible for security in Gaza.
So why
were Israeli soldiers there at all? Why couldn’t the PA say that it would be honored to take over responsibility for protecting Jews in its midst, the same way that Israel protects Arabs living within its borders? I just do not understand why it is obvious and correct to most of the so-called civilized world that Arabs cannot live with Jews but Jews can live
with Arabs.
If Jews
in Gaza have to be protected with a small army, then the only answer to the problem seems to be
1.), to
remove the Jews, or
2.), to
remove the Arabs. In that Hobson’s choice, the better choice is for the Jews to leave.
That’s
because expelling Jews from Arab lands has proven no great moral obstacle for any Arab state but expelling a million Arabs
would be morally impossible for a Jewish state. When this is pointed out, the response from Palestinians is often: “All
of Israel represents an expulsion of Arabs from their homes.”
I do not
even know what to say to that except that then Texas is still the rightful possession of Mexico. If the only way to satisfy the moral grievances of the Palestinians is to destroy Israel, then they are not moral grievances at all but rather just
history’s newest version of anti-Semitic blood lust that must be defeated, not appeased. That is the view of the settlers and I think that the settlers are right.
On the
other hand, I remember Moshe Dayan giving a speech 30 years ago in which he reminded his Jewish audience that Israel had only
two alternatives in ruling 1 million Arabs in the West Bank and Gaza.
One was
to annex the territories and make them citizens of Israel like the million Israeli-Arab citizens. This alternative, Dayan
argued, wouldn't work because the sheer numbers and birth rate of 2 million Arabs living among what was then 4 million Jews
would in short order produce an Arab majority in Israel and that would end the Jewish nature of the state.
The second
alternative would be to rule them in the kind of apartheid solution that South Africa was imposing on its black population.
This, he said, would destroy the democratic nature of the State of Israel. Neither alternative can work and that's why the
Sharon government decided to give back Gaza and will also give back some outlying settlements in the West Bank. And I think that the government of Israel is right.
Over time,
a third option has emerged that seems like it may work (check with your local pundit)
and this option is separation. The security fence has already reduced suicide attacks on Israeli children and innocents by 90%. I hope that it is completed quickly and that if there is peace, it will be a minor matter to fine-tune the fence’s route in line with a final peace agreement. I think the people who are building the fence are right.
And so
you ought to ask, “Rabbi Gellman, these people are all at odds, how can they all be right?” To which I answer
with tears in my eyes … you’re right, too.
© 2005 Newsweek, Inc. see link for article page at msnbc.com's website at bottom of page
Israel answers attack with lethal blows
By HAMZA HENDAWI and LEE KEATH, Associated Press Writers
BEIRUT, Lebanon - Hezbollah
& Israel traded fierce barrages for a 6th day Monday, as the latest eruption
of warfare in the Middle East showed no sign of easing. Rockets struck deep inside Israel a day earlier, killing 8 people
in Haifa & Israeli planes bombed Lebanon from north to south.
Israeli missiles hammered
the Lebanese capital on Monday morning, killing two people in Beirut's port, bombing a gas tank in a northern neighborhood
& shelling the southern suburbs,
The port was in flames &
the Israeli army said it had launched at least 60 strikes overnight, both with aircraft & artillery. The strikes Monday
killed 15 people & wounded more than 53 by mid-morning.
The death toll on both sides rose
to more than 200 - at least 180 in Lebanon & 24 in Israel. In addition to the Israeli victims at a rail repair
facility in the Haifa attack on Sunday, an Israeli rocket blew up a Lebanese army position, killing 8 soldiers & a sea-launched
missile killed at least 9 people in the southern Lebanese port of Tyre.
Israel warned of massive retaliation
after the Haifa attack & accused
Iran &
Syria of providing the weaponry used in it. Israeli military officials said 4 of the missiles were the Iranian-made
Fajr-3, with a 22-mile range & 200-pound payload & far more advanced than the Katyusha rockets the guerrillas rained
on northern Israel in previous attacks.
Foreigners began to flee by
the hundreds & several nations drew up plans to get their citizens out. U.S. planners arrived to organize evacuation for
any of the 25,000 Americans seeking to leave. Two Marine Corps helicopters evacuated 21 Americans to Cyprus on Sunday.
Italian military flights rushed
out some 350 people, mostly Europeans. France, which has more than 20,000 citizens in Lebanon, chartered a Greek ferry expected
to pick up some 1,200 people on Monday.
Early Monday, witnesses reported
that waves of Israeli airstrikes hit the Lebanese city of Tripoli & Hezbollah strongholds in eastern town of Baalbek.
Missiles apparently aiming
at a relay station for Hezbollah's al-Manar television missed their target & hit a house south of Beirut. Police said
4 villagers were killed & 10 wounded. Lebanese police said the village had been hit by missiles fired from Israeli warships,
but the Israeli military denied gunboats had participated in the bombings.
8 Lebanese army soldiers were killed
Sunday & 12 wounded in an Israeli airstrike in the fishing village of Abdeh in northern Lebanon.
Israel, technically at war
with Lebanon since 1948, said it had targeted radar stations in the north because Hezbollah had used them to hit an Israeli
ship on Friday. It all but accused the Lebanese military of lending its support to Hezbollah.
"The attacks ... are against
radar stations used, among other things, in the attack on the Israeli missile boat, by Hezbollah in cooperation with the Lebanese
military," an Israeli army spokesman told The Associated Press.
World leaders meeting in St.
Petersburg produced a draft framework to end the crisis & a U.N. envoy landed in Beirut. The Group of Eight most industrialized
nations expressed concern over "rising civilian casualties on all sides" & urged both sides to stop their attacks.
"These extremist elements &
those that support them can't be allowed to plunge the Middle East into chaos & provoke a wider conflict," the G-8 leaders
said in a statement. "The extremists must immediately halt their attacks."
The United
Nations, the European Union & Italy also pushed ahead with separate efforts Sunday to try to end the fighting. But both Israel & Hezbollah
signaled that their attacks would only intensify.
Israeli Prime Minister Ehud Olmert
vowed "far-reaching consequences" for the Haifa attack, Hezbollah's deadliest strike ever on Israel. The morning barrage of
20 rockets came after Israeli warplanes unleashed their heaviest strikes yet on Beirut, flattening apartment buildings &
blowing up a power station to cut electricity to swaths of the capital.
Even before the latest Israeli retaliation,
Israeli airstrikes had devastated southern Beirut, a teeming Shiite district that is home to Hezbollah's main headquarters.
The Jiyeh power plant, on
Beirut's southern outskirts, was in flames after it was hit, cutting electricity to many areas in the capital & south
Lebanon. Firefighters pleaded for help from residents after saying they didn't have enough water to put out the blaze.
Some residents of Beirut's southern
Shiite neighborhood, Dahiyah, ventured out of shelters to collect belongings from their shattered city blocks, where
buildings were collapsed on their sides, missing top floors or reduced to pancaked concrete. Many emerged from their destroyed
apartments with bulging shopping bags or suitcases as young Hezbollah gunmen urged them to leave quickly.
Large swaths of Beirut were covered
with dust & the city of 1.5 million people was emptying as residents fled. Furniture pieces, blankets, mattresses,
clothes & soft toys were scattered on the streets. A copy of the Quran, Islam's holy book, lay in the street with its
dusty pages fluttering until a Hezbollah gunman reverently lifted it & kissed it.
"We want to sleep on our own pillows
in the shelter," Mariam Shihabiyah, a 39-year-old mother of 5 said as she emerged from her home with an armful of pillows
& clothes. "Can you believe what happened to Dahiyah?"
The Israeli military warned
residents of south Lebanon to flee, promising heavy retaliation after the Haifa assault. "Nothing will deter us," Olmert said.
Along with the Lebanon attacks,
Israel attacked along the second front where Israel is fighting, in Gaza. Fighter jets bombed the Palestinian Foreign Ministry
in Gaza City & clouds of smoke rose from the building, which has been hit before. At least nine people in nearby houses
were injured, rescue workers said.
Hezbollah's leader, Sheik
Hassan Nasrallah, said that despite the barrage, the guerrillas were "in their full strength & power" & that their
"missile stockpiles are still full."
"When the Zionists behave
like there are no rules & no red lines & no limits to the confrontation, it's our right to behave in the same way,"
a tired-looking but defiant Nasrallah said in a televised address. He said Hezbollah hit Haifa because of Israel's strikes
on Lebanese civilians.
Nasrallah tried to rally the
Arab world around Hezbollah, saying the battle was an opportunity to deal Israel a "historic defeat." Iran & Syria are
prime supporters of Hezbollah & Hamas, raising fears the sides could be drawn into a regional war.
Still, they denied Israel's
claim that they had provided advanced missile technology to Hezbollah.
Smoke rose over Haifa &
air raid sirens wailed as the dead & wounded were evacuated from a train station warehouse full of workers that took a
direct hit in the strike, just one hour into the new work week. Orthodox rescue crews worked their way thru the debris gathering
pieces of flesh amid pools of blood.
Elsewhere in the port city
of 270,000, residents huddled in bomb shelters or stocked up on milk, bread and other staples.
"It's a war, it's an emergency
situation & it will get worse," said Sharon Goldstein, a 34-year-old security guard.
In an initial response soon after,
Israeli warplanes hit south Beirut around Hezbollah's headquarters, already reduced to rubble. In the southern port of Tyre,
an Israeli missile tore off the top of a 12-story building, killing at least nine. Rescue workers pulled bodies from the crushed
concrete.
Seven Canadians of Lebanese
origin, including several members of the same Montreal family, were killed by an Israeli strike on their village in the south
where they'd come for a summer visit, Canada's Foreign Affairs spokeswoman Ambra Dickie said. Earlier reports had said 8 were
killed.
After nightfall, Israeli missiles
destroyed fuel depots at Beirut's airport.
Hezbollah retaliated with
rockets that exploded in the Israeli towns of Afula & Upper Nazareth, showing a longer range than previous barrages. A
rocket exploded near an air force base in northern Israel overnight. There were no immediate reports of casualties in those
attacks.
Waves of missiles wounded
8 soldiers in Tripoli, Lebanon's second largest city & a major northern port. Tyre & another southern port city, Sidon,
also came under renewed attack. Some 40 people had been wounded in the raids early Monday.
Western nations clearly expected a drawn-out fight even as diplomatic efforts began in earnest.
In Beirut, Vijay Nambiar,
U.N. Secretary-General Kofi Annan's special political adviser, met Lebanese Prime Minister Fuad Saniora.
"Enough innocent lives have been lost & property infrastructure has been damaged," Nambiar said.
European Union foreign policy
chief Javier Solana also met with Saniora on Sunday.
Syria warned on Sunday that
any aggression against it "will be met with a firm & direct response whose timing & methods are unlimited." Hundreds
of cars drove thru Damascus on Sunday night with drivers & passengers waving Syrian & Hezbollah flags & honking
horns.
Iran threatened "unimaginable damage" to Israel if Syria were attacked & its supreme leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei said Hezbollah was
winning its fight against Israel & wouldn't disarm. Iran's foreign minister headed to Damascus late Sunday for talks.
Hendawi reported from Beirut and Keath from Damascus, Syria.
6/1/05
Getting over grief
New therapy may help people cope w/loss
By Betsy Querna
The sting of grief is familiar to anyone who has ever
lost a loved one. But some bereaved people have a hard time working through their grief.
Many months, or even years, after their loss, they're still preoccupied with thoughts of the deceased and have feelings of anger, bitterness and disbelief about the death.
Mental
health professionals often have a difficult time treating these people, who are said to be suffering from a newly described
condition called complicated grief. Now, researchers at the University of Pittsburgh School
of Medicine have developed a therapy that is specially designed to treat these people.
What the researchers wanted to know: Does the new therapy help people deal with complicated grief more than traditional psychotherapy does?
What they did: The researchers recruited bereaved people and enrolled those who tested positive for complicated grief. About half of the 95 people enrolled were given about 5 months of
interpersonal therapy, which involved talking through feelings and developing strategies to move on.
The
other half were given about 5 months of the newly developed complicated - grief treatment,
which borrowed elements from interpersonal therapy and treatment for post-traumatic stress disorder.
It
included exercises such as having the patients close their eyes and revisit the death or have conversations with the deceased
as if they were in the room.
What
they found: More than half (51%) of the patients given complicated-grief therapy
improved within 5 months, while less than 1/3 (28%) given interpersonal therapy showed similar improvement.
There
was an especially positive response to complicated-grief treatment among those who had lost someone in a violent death.
Parents who had lost a child didn't seem to respond as well. The researchers say both these findings are preliminary and need further testing. People taking antidepressants showed more improvement than those not taking medication in both groups.
What it means to you: While complicated-grief treatment is still fairly new (this
is the first large study of it), it shows promise. If you or someone you know is having a hard time getting over a
loss, it might be worth talking to someone about this type of treatment.
Caveats:
The techniques involved in complicated-grief therapy might not be for everyone. 6 of the
people who had complicated-grief therapy (and who were included in the results)
dropped out early because they said the therapy was too hard and they didn't want to tell the story of their loved one's
death.
An
additional 5 people, who did complete the therapy, refused to do an exercise imagining a conversation with their loved one
because they said it was too hard.
Find out more: The Yale University School of Medicine has a webpage
that gives the definitions of both normal and complicated grief.
The University of Michigan also has a page that could be helpful in determining what is normal in dealing with grief & when to seek professional help.
The National Cancer Institute has many pages about grief and grieving including a page on complicated grief.
Read the article: Shear, K. et al. "Treatment of Complicated Grief:
A Randomized Controlled Trial." Journal of the American Medical Association. Vol. 293, No. 21, pp. 2601-2608
Abstract online: http://jama.ama-assn.org
Grief is vital in order to accept a deep loss & carry on w/your life.
If you don't grieve at the time of death, or shortly
after, you may keep the grief bottled up inside you. This
may cause emotional problems or physical illness later on.
What about a child, or a teenager - who has their
whole life ahead of them? The expectations of all related to that person are suddenly squelched & no one can believe that such a thing has happened.
The death of a parent has a tremendous impact on a child.
When I was a child, my greatest fear wasn't that my parents would die, but I was frozen w/fear at the thought of my grandmother dying.
Everyone has a different situation when it comes to the
subject of losing a loved one or a friend. There are some things we can do to process this life transition so that it doesn't
scar us permanently for the worse.
Experiencing grief ......
Accept the Reality of the Loss
- realizing
that your loved one is really dead, is a difficult thought. This first step takes some time initially. Those who lose a loved one may have to experience some physical symptoms thru
the process of realizing their loss, but this really is important.
Taking time to process the shock of the loss, accepting it in your
mind and your heart is the first crucial step in processing the emotion of grieving.
It's normal in the first few weeks
of grieving:
- To be in shock, feel relief, or a sense of release depending on the death situation
- To
have physical symptoms of numbness, shortness of breath, a heavy feeling in your chest or an "empty" feeling
- To
experience denial, disorientation, listlessness and crying spells
Experience the Pain of Grief
For some of us who are dealing w/death, it sometimes
seems easier to stuff the pain down deep somewhere to experience it another day. Perhaps we feel as if we should be "strong"
for others who are also grieving, so we put our pain somewhere else
to help others.
It's very important to let yourself - feel the pain - of grieving. The energy spent w/crying
is a very good release for grief. Crying is normal, it's not something to be ashamed of or overlooked
as a "weakness." Sharing a "good cry" w/another loved one is sometimes a good thing to
experience.
Memories of your loved one will flood your mind
& pictures of their face will continue to flash before your eyes - even if they're closed. Let yourself feel the pain, it's necessary.
It's normal to experience these reactions once the shock
has worn off & you begin to experience your emotions & feelings again:
You may find yourself over-reactive, hyper-sensitive, sleepless, running around in circles, reliving the death and feeling like you just want to be alone.
Adjust to an Environment in Which the Deceased is Missing
The funeral and burial is over very quickly, often while
you're still in a state of shock over the death. When it's all over and it's time to go home and start your days with the
thoughts of your missing loved one, then end your days with
the same thoughts - the reality begins to set in.
It's been 2 years now since my good friend Phil
passed away, yet I still expect to see him coming in the door any minute. I think of him often. Adjustment to a new lifestyle without your
loved one takes time, and a different amount of time for each of us. No one can tell you - "it's time" to start living your
life without your loved one - you have to be ready for it after processing your grief in your own way.
And when you finally think you're "going to get through it" it's normal to:
- Begin
to feel able to take responsibility for things, begin to start thinking of "reconstructing" your life
- Begin
to look to the future at things, learn how to do things for yourself
- Explore new interests and grow personally
Withdraw Emotional Energy and Reinvest it in Other Activities;
Memorialize the Relationship
In time you can begin to turn the emotional energy that
you have been using in grieving into energy towards your new life, new friends, new hobbies and your new lifestyle. No matter what else happens,
your loved one will remain alive in your heart and in your memories.
There are all kinds of physical and emotional symptoms you may experience as a part of grieving. Almost all of them are normal, especially at first. Some of them are listed below, but there may be many, many others.
Physical
Symptoms
Emotional
Symptoms
If you find yourself wanting to act on your negative feelings, try to find ways that won't hurt other people.
If you're tempted to yell, try yelling at people who are trained to listen, or at things that won't be hurt emotionally - like walls, trees, the sky, whatever.
If you're tempted to hit, try punching pillows, punching bags, or other soft things that won't
hurt you. Use of alcohol or other drugs may dull your pain for a while, but not forever and they'll create another problem you'll need to deal w/later.
What can you do to help yourself and each other?
- Be there for each other - just being together is a big help.
- Listen to one another's feelings.
- Don't feel guilty about what you're feeling.
- Talk
about the person who died and share your memories.
- Allow yourselves to cry. Crying is a wonderful way for your body to release it's emotions. No one should try and stop themselves from crying when they're grieving.
- Exercise alone or with others - it helps your body heal.
- Write in a journal; keep a written record of what you're feeling and memories of your friend.
- Be
gentle with each other and respect each other's need to grieve differently.
- Even if it's hard, start getting back to your normal daily activities as soon as possible.
When to ask for help:
There are some things you could be feeling that might indicate you need some professional help in working through your grief.
If you experience any of the following things, or if you see a friend experiencing these things,
talk about it immediately to an adult that you trust.
This could be a parent, a friend of a parent, a minister or priest, the leader of a youth group,
a teacher, a school counselor or other counselors, a coach, or a doctor:
You'll never forget what happened. If you're afraid to heal because you think you might forget your friend, stop worrying about that. You'll never forget.
You'll always have their memory. You'll always be sorry
that you were unable to share life with your friend for many more years. However, in time, you'll remember the happy memories more often than the painful ones which fill your mind now.
The grieving process is universal;
people have to move thru the stages of denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance before they can move forward emotionally.
Helping Others Cope w/Grief
by Brook Noel & Pamela D. Blair, Ph.D.
...there is nothing more difficult then watching those we care about endure pain - especially the pain that
comes from unexpected tragedy.
As a society that's untrained how to help, we may feel confused or unsure of how to
best support those we care for. The following guidelines can help you support your loved one during dark times.
- Don't try to find the magic words or formula to eliminate the pain. Nothing can
erase or minimize the painful tragedy your friend or loved one is facing. Your primary role at this time is simply to "be
there." Don't worry about what to say or do; just be a presence that the person can lean
on when needed.
- Don't try to minimize [the loss] or make the
person feel better. When we care about someone, we hate to see them in pain. Often
we'll say things like, "I know how you feel," or "perhaps, it was for the best," in order to minimize their hurt. While this can work in some instances, it never works w/grief.
- Help w/responsibilities. Even though a life has stopped, life doesn't. One of the best ways to help is to run errands, prepare food, take care of
the kids, do laundry & help w/the simplest of maintenance.
- Don't expect the person to reach out to you. Many people say, "call me if there's anything I can do." At this stage, the person who is grieving will be overwhelmed at the simple thought of picking up a phone. If you're close to this person, simply stop over and begin to help. People need this but don't think to ask.
- Talk through decisions. While working through the grief process, many bereaved people report difficulty with decision making. Be a sounding board for your friend or loved one and help them think through decisions.
- Don't be afraid to say the name
of the deceased. Those who have lost someone usually speak of them often and believe it or not, need to hear the deceased's name and stories. In fact, many grievers welcome this.
- Remember that time doesn't heal all wounds. Your friend or loved one will change because of what's happened. Everyone grieves differently.
Some will be "fine" and then experience deep grief a year later; others grieve immediately. There are no
timetables, no rules - be patient.
You
can help by keeping the house stocked with healthy foods that are already prepared or easy-to-prepare. Help with the laundry. Take over some errands so the bereaved can rest.
However,
don't push the bereaved to do things they may not be ready for. Many grievers say, "I wish
they'd just follow my lead." While it may be upsetting to see the bereaved withdrawing from people and activities - it's normal. They'll rejoin, as they're ready.
- Avoid judging. Don't tell people how to
react or handle their emotions. Simply let them know that you'll help in any way possible.
- Share a Meal. Invite the bereaved over regularly to share a meal or take a meal to their home since meal times can be especially lonely. Consider inviting the bereaved
out on important dates like the one-month anniversary of the death, the deceased's birthday, etc.
- Make a list of everything that needs to be done w/the bereaved. This could include everything from bill paying to plant watering. Prioritize these by importance.
Help the bereaved complete as many tasks as possible. If there are many responsibilities, find one or more additional friends to support you.
Three Types Of Abnormal Grief
Chronic or Dependent Grief:
When a woman's identity & self-image is too heavily dependent or entwined with the lost loved one - grief can become chronic & unresolved. Interaction with & availability to the loved one can be essential for a woman's emotional functioning. The woman feels
she isn't strong, caring or competent alone.
Usually affecting longtime married women who were
homemakers, this is the most common form of abnormal grief
reaction.
Imagine, if you can, the intensity of the grief
of this woman,
whose entire being revolved around the lost loved one.
How does one know what to do once their loved one has
passed away? It can be too overwhelming for some women, who essentially have to learn how to be
independent for the first time in their lives.
The fear of their new
beginning could be almost as overwhelming as the loss of their loved one. It would be very easy for this woman or man to fall into the depths of depression, develop an anxiety disorder or fall victim to their intense pain & commit suicide (especially in senior citizens).
Distorted or
Unexpected Loss Grief
Deaths associated with
sudden & unnatural causes like suicide, homicide & accidents are common here. Women are more prone to Post-traumatic stress disorder, as well as this type of abnormal grief.
The woman can develop an extreme startle response, flashbacks, nightmares & recurrent thoughts of the death. Flattened emotional response & numbing are usual characteristics of distorted or unexpected loss grief.
Required participation in official investigations, identification
of the body, trials, etc. related to the death can promote this type of grief reaction. The 3 V's:
- Violence
- Violation
- Volition
are
the factors that make a woman high risk.
The 3 V's recognize the unfortunate association with death caused by violence, their loved one being victimized &/or the woman becomes unintentionally preoccupied with establishing
blame or bringing justice to her loved one.
Added pressures &
anxiety at
this time & situation are:
- Media coverage of the death
- Illegal or
socially unacceptable behaviors
of the loved one
- Another death or extreme injury caused by the behavior of the lost loved one
- Suicide was the cause of death
Delayed
or Conflicted Grief
The woman who has mixed feelings about her lost loved one can develop a delayed or conflicted grief response. Typical
situations for women involve:
- Death of a parent
- Death of a parent
she was the caregiver for
- Those who were experiencing
unresolved conflicts with their loved one
Unexpressed anger can turn towards
the self, leading to depression. Another common situation for women is death of a child through violence, suicide or accident. She may feel anger at the child
for his/her role in the death, but at the same time feel her upbringing of the child was inadequate.
Women
& Grief
Unresolved grief
may contribute
to women's higher rates of depression, anxiety & other
psychological disorders. Women are 3 to 4 times more likely to seek professional help when a loved one dies. Women's increased vulnerability to grief & dysfunction after a loved one's death is mostly
social.
Women:
Menopause is most often viewed by society & the medical profession as a physical phenomenon & directly attributed to
ovarian failure.
As
w/any crisis situation, ongoing support, good listening & validation of that particular person
& their experience are necessary to ensure survival thru this period of turmoil. When such changes coincide with dramatic
physical symptoms, the situation can be most challenging for the practitioner.
Some particular emotional issues which may need to be addressed include:
Unresolved grief
It's not unusual for women to experience a re-awakening of a grief they'd believed long since resolved. Frequently this may involve the death of a child, sibling or parents, or previous death of, or separation
from a spouse. Some women will understand immediately what's happening to them, others are mystified by their own strong feelings.
Anger, sadness, guilt & depression
The common accompaniments of grief
need to be accepted, explored & worked thru.
Although such issues are time consuming & therefore frustrating for the busy GP when presenting unexpectedly,
working to resolve them can be extremely rewarding.
Anger, particularly if it appears unjustified or totally out of all proportion, can present in most interesting ways - even at times being directed at the caring & totally unsuspecting practitioner.
Feelings of worthlessness also are experienced quite commonly at menopause
& can be overwhelming.
If
specialized counseling necessitating referral seems appropriate, a gentle & diplomatic approach may be required. e.g. "We all need some one to talk to at times," or "Sometimes the people we're close to aren't the best people to help us with these problems," or "Counselors are experts at dealing with feelings. They often help you see solutions to problems that the rest of us miss."
Remember to let the patient know it is okay to change counselors if they're uncomfortable with the initial referral.
Make a personal commitment to help the one grieving get thru this. After a death, many friendships change or disintegrate. People don't know how to relate to the one who is grieving,
or they get tired of being around someone who is sad.
Vow to see your friend or loved one thru this, to be an anchor in their darkest hour.
How Men Grieve
by Karen Carney
Let my pain be unacknowledged,
Let my wit resilient be,
Let
him never know the difference
His indifference made to me.
Dorothy C. Osborn (1891-1949), Unpublished Work
One of the most common messages
I hear from both men & women who are grieving is, "No one understands. . . .I feel so alone."
Understanding & embracing our individual & collective styles of mourning may be difficult.
Too often, power struggles develop within a couple as one partner tries to "recruit" the other to his or her way of expressing
grief.
"He won’t talk about
it" & "She can’t stop crying" are frequently the complaints that cause individuals & couples to seek professional
help. Fortunately, there are now some wonderful new resources that identify & address many of the more typically feminine
& masculine approaches to grief & loss.
Tom Golden, noted bereavement
therapist & lecturer, has examined male grieving behaviors in many cultures throughout
the world. His groundbreaking book, Swallowed by a Snake: The Gift of the Masculine Side of Healing (Golden Healing Publishing, 1997), explores the anatomical, physiological, anthropological & sociological
aspects of masculine grief & mourning styles.
Golden enhances our understanding thru the metaphorical story of a man being swallowed by a snake & his journey from darkness into light. He references
current scientific research on the brain, which indicates that male & female brains are anatomically & functionally
different.
These distinctions may account
for some of the differences between men & women as they try to heal their grief wounds.
Golden also describes the
masculine need to be physically & mentally active during times of crisis & explains why it's often more comfortable for men to work side-by-side, rather than sit face-to-face.
He points out that the latter
is the model for most bereavement support groups & that most methods utilized by grief counselors & therapists have been developed
based on what's typically comfortable for women; these approaches may be less effective when used w/men.
Golden also emphatically asserts that, whether one is male or female, each of us has both masculine & feminine characteristics that may influence our
style of mourning.
Such a framework helps us
to understand the range of possible approaches to grief & mourning &
can help us to reach an understanding of ourselves & our loved ones when facing a loss.
The bottom line is that it's
essential for each of us to find safe settings & techniques for expressing our grief. Some may be comfortable in a support group, some may be more comfortable w/ reading or education, some respond to music, some need an activity.
There may be different needs at different times as the days & years go by. Activities may take many forms, including:
- gardening
- artistry & writing
- designing or building monuments or tributes
- creating rituals that have spiritual significance for ourselves & quite possibly, for others
Tom Golden’s work may
be of value to those who are struggling to understand the grief response of a husband, father, son, male friend or co-worker &
may also assist you w/your own grieving process. His insights may also benefit those involved w/ bereavement services.
www.coping.org is a great resource site with a wealth of valuable information. I highly recommend visiting the
site to see what else you might find that is valuable to you, personally, for your own personal growth recovery journey!
The Grief Process
over the Life Span
Parents of children with disabilities experience grief or loss feelings over the entire life time of their children. This grief is felt more acutely at the points
of transitions in their children's lives.
It's imperative that parents recognize that this is a normal phenomenon & that it's best for them to prepare themselves in advance when such transitions are
to occur.
What follows is just a sampling of the different transitional events in the lives of children with disabilities
to compare & recognize what grief-loss events you've already experienced & what future loss events are involved
in having a child with a disability.
|
Birth and Preschool
Years |
|
Event: |
Loss involved: |
|
1. High-risk pregnancy |
1. Loss of the anticipation of a healthy, non-eventful pregnancy |
|
2. Premature birth |
2. Loss of anticipation of a full-term birth |
|
3. Cesarean section |
3. Loss of anticipation of vaginal and/or natural delivery |
|
4. Low birth weight |
4. Loss of anticipation of a fully developed newborn |
|
5. Problem at delivery |
5. Loss of relaxed and joyful delivery |
|
6. Child kept in intensive care nursery |
6. Loss of chance to bond with child in natural environment |
|
7. Seeing child as fragile and on life support systems in the intensive care nursery |
7. Loss of anticipation of having a healthy newborn |
|
8. Child identified as "at risk" for a disability |
8. Loss of natural optimism and
confidence in developmental milestone attainment |
|
9. Recognition that child seems "slow" in developing; others reassure you to wait, the child will catch up |
9. Sense of being misunderstood, or not believed which impact level of self-confidence |
|
10. Child diagnosed as having a disability |
10. Loss of natural optimism of having a non-eventful childhood shared with parents and extended family. |
|
11. Child involved in a variety of medical and rehabilitative services |
11. Loss of privacy, loss of personal time, loss of anticipation of natural course of events for child and loss of post birth plans for parents |
|
12.Being informed that the disability has lifelong implications and consequences |
12. Loss of anticipation for text book rearing of child into adulthood |
|
13. Child's progress and reports from doctors and therapists reconfirms diagnosis of the disability |
13. Loss of hope that initial diagnosis was a mistake; loss of ability to deny the reality of the diagnosis |
|
14. Family, friends and associates reassure and/or avoid parents during this time |
14. Loss of pre-birth &/or pre-diagnosis support system upon which parents once relied |
|
15. Breakdown in couple's communication during this time |
15. Loss of the sense of "team," "support," or "confidence" between partners |
|
16. Parents get contradictory "news" regarding diagnosis and/or treatment of child |
16. Loss of confidence &/or trust in helpers, professionals |
|
17. Ambiguity of the prognosis for the future; no clear answers of what exactly to expect |
17. Loss of the anticipation for the natural course of events to take place |
|
18. Transfer of child from one program to another |
18. Loss of security and comfort established in previous program |
|
19. Comparison of my child to another child of the same age and recognizing the delays in development |
19. Loss of anticipation that my child will be like other children in all things |
|
20. Involvement in a public forum where child's condition is discussed openly |
20. Loss of privacy, feeling that use of child's condition is a form of exploitation; embarrassment over openly exposing the emotional turmoil involved in your life |
|
Elementary School
Years |
|
Event: |
Loss involved: |
|
21. Child enters public school at an early age |
21. Loss of anticipation of "normal" early childhood development and "normal" schooling process |
|
22. Child involved in Exceptional Education Program with staffing,
evaluators, IEP and conferences |
22. Loss of anticipation of "normal" parental involvement in the child's schooling |
|
23. Child responds emotionally to the separation from parent on
entering school program or taking the "special bus" |
23.Loss
of anticipation of child being able to stay home with mother and siblings until kindergarten time. It appears to be too "tough" on the child and makes the parents
confused and guilt-ridden |
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24.
School personnel reconfirm diagnosis and objectively assess the child's deficits and strengths |
24. Loss of fantasy that child's disability would improve
or disappear by the time the child enters school |
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25.Child is included into "normal" classes |
25. Fear of loss of supportive, caring and understanding teachers and classmates and fear that child will experience discrimination and/or verbal harassment because of the disability |
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26. Child has health problems requiring hospitalization and/or surgery |
26. Loss of belief that the medical problems involved with the disability will improve or disappear once the child reaches school age |
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27. Child continues to exhibit the effects of the disability; in fact, the effects become more evident, pronounced
and more easily recognized by the untrained eye |
27. Loss of fantasy that child would be able to go through life without the disability being so obvious to the outside world |
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28. Child's progress in school is slower than children of the same chronological age and the child may even experience
failure in school |
28. Loss of anticipation of child experiencing a "normal" path through school |
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29. Child takes a "special" bus and/or is placed in a "special" school or classroom |
29. Loss of anticipation that neither the child nor the family would have to be exposed to the "special" world of the exceptional student |
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30. Child's progress continues to be slower than earlier predicted and/or expected |
30. Loss of anticipation that the child would be able to overcome the disability and become "normal" or "fixed" |
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31. Child continues to require the physical care and support required of a baby or preschooler |
31. Loss of anticipation that child would progress developmentally as child progressed chronologically |
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32. Child becomes heavier and taller and increased physical strength and exertion is required from caretakers |
32. Loss of anticipation that the lifelong care of the child wouldn't be so great of a burden on the parent and loss of anticipation that the child would become self-sufficient |
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33. Child remains in an ungraded classroom environment |
33. Loss of normal benchmarks of progress, such as passing on to a different grade or class each year |
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34. Child's yearly developmental goals sound similar to the ones set the year before |
34. Loss of anticipation that the child's IEP would reflect major developmental changes on a yearly basis |
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35. Teachers seem to react coldly to the emotional concerns and burdens the parents are carrying in raising the disabled child |
35. Loss of emotionally supportive environment parent had when the child was in infant and preschool programs |
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Secondary School Level |
|
Event: |
Loss involved: |
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36. Child doesn't transfer into a "normal" junior or senior high school program |
36. Loss of anticipation of the "normal teenage years for the child |
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37. Child still requires physical care & support similar to that of a preschool
or elementary-age child |
37. Loss of anticipation that child would progress developmentally as he progressed chronologically |
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38. Child doesn't consider or discuss career or college plans |
38. Loss of anticipation of normal teenage banter about career & higher education |
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39. Child continues to fall behind in school & personnel talk about child remaining in school until age
21 |
39. Loss of anticipation of child growing in normal teen years with a "normal' high school graduation |
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40. School puts child into a transitional "pre-vocational" or vocational program |
40. Loss of anticipation that child would be able to go to college |
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41. Child continues to struggle to learn basic academic work while in "high school" environment |
41. Loss of anticipation that the child would "outgrow" the disability |
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42. Child isn't capable of performing normal household chores or tasks |
42. Loss of anticipation that child would eventually grow up, move out on his own & become independent |
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43. Child requires parents to provide long-distance travel instead of being able to take a city bus or drive
a car |
43. Loss of anticipation of child growing up & eventually becoming independent of the need for the parents to take him everywhere |
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44. Child isn't able to handle money or small purchases independently |
44. Loss of anticipation that child would be able to become financially independent |
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45. Child isn't able to tell time or plan daily activities without some guidance/supervision |
45. Loss of anticipation that child would be able to become self-sufficient |
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46. Child begins to express personal emotional response to child's own disability |
46. Loss of desire to have child fully accept his problems without having to go thru the emotionally laden grief response the parents
have already experienced |
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47. Child chooses to terminate therapy or to return to full-time use of the wheel chair |
47. Loss of anticipation that child would want to be as "normal as possible," like the parents had been hoping for child |
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48. Child rejects parents' plans for the child concerning schooling, work, or living arrangements |
48. Loss of anticipation that child would go along with the lifelong plans set for child by the parents |
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49. Child struggles for acceptance with "normal" peer group at school & in the community |
49. Loss of desire to give the child an emotionally supportive environment, one in which he wouldn't experience emotional trauma & rejection for being "disabled" |
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50. Child graduates from high school as an exceptional student with a "special" diploma |
50. Loss of anticipation of a "normal" high school education & diploma for the child |
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Adulthood |
|
Event: |
Loss involved: |
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51. Adult child remains at home full-time, unemployment after graduation |
51. Loss of belief that "others" would take care of the lifelong needs of the child' seeing to it that the child is gainfully employed |
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52. Adult child is placed in a sheltered workshop or supported employment |
52. Loss of anticipation that child would be able to get a regular full-time job |
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53. Adult child is dependent on parents for all activities of daily living after high school graduation |
53. Loss of belief that "others" would continue to care for the child over child's lifetime, taking the burden off of the parents |
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54. Adult child is placed in a group home or supervised living environment |
54. Loss of belief that the parents would be able to physically, emotionally & financially care for the child at home for the rest of his life |
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55. Adult target child announces intentions to marry |
55. Loss of anticipation of "normal" marriage for child |
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56. Married adult disabled person announces intentions of having children |
56. Loss of anticipation that parents would no longer have to "worry" about child once he became an adult. Loss of anticipation of being "normal" grandparents |
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At Any Age |
|
Event: |
Loss involved: |
|
57. Target child experiences the death of classmate or peer with disability similar to child's disability |
57. Loss of anticipation that child can be spared the knowledge that child's disability puts child in a high-risk mortality category |
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58. Target child expresses sexual desires and begins to experiment sexually |
58. Loss of anticipation that disabled child was "asexual" and would never ask about or have to deal with personal sexuality or sexual development |
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59. Target child experiences chronic or critical illness |
59. Loss of anticipation that all the problems are behind the parents; that there would never again be anything as bad as the early years |
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60.Target child dies before the parents die |
60. Loss of anticipation that the child would outlive the parents |
Steps to handle the loss events
resulting from having a child with a special need:
Step 1:
In order to deal with grief you must admit to yourself
what loss events you have experienced in having a child with a special need. Answer the following questions in your journal:
-
What feelings of loss did I experience during pregnancy (if I knew there was a problem)?
-
What
feelings of loss did I experience during the delivery of my child with a disability?
-
What
feelings of loss did I experience immediately following the birth of my child?
What feelings of loss did I experience with my child, during my child's:
-
first
3 months
-
1st
through 6th months
-
6
months to 1 year
-
1
to 2 years in the life?
What losses did I experience as my child
with a special need went through:
-
preschool
-
elementary
school
-
secondary
school
-
the
adult years of my target child's life.
Step 2: Once you have identified the losses, identify how you handled
the 5 stages of grief for each loss. Refer to Tools for Handling Loss which is also found within this website.
Review
the 5 stages of grief:
Denial:
We deny that the loss event has occurred. We ignore the signs of the loss event. We begin to use magical thinking, excessive fantasy, regression, withdrawal and rejection.
Bargaining:
We bargain
or strike a deal with God, ourselves, or others to make the loss go away. We promise to do anything it takes to make this loss go away. We agree to
take whatever extreme measures are needed in order to make this loss disappear.
We begin to shop around, gamble,
take risks, sacrifice. We lack confidence in our efforts to deal with the loss and look elsewhere for answers.
Anger:
We become angry with God, ourselves, or others over our loss. We become outraged and incensed over the steps that must be taken to overcome our loss.
We pick out ''scape-goats'' upon whom to vent our anger, e.g., the doctors, hospitals, clerks, helping agencies and rehabilitation specialists.
We begin to use self-blaming, switching blame, blaming the victim, aggressive anger and resentment. Anger is a normal stage. It must be expressed and resolved. If it's suppressed and held in it'll become ''ANGER-IN,'' leading to a maladaptive condition of depression that drains our emotional energy.
Despair:
We become overwhelmed by the anguish, pain and hurt of our loss. We can begin to have uncontrollable crying, sobbing and weeping spells.
We can begin to go into spells
of deep silence, morose thinking and deep melancholy. We begin to experience guilt, remorse, loss of hope and loss of faith and trust. We need support to assist us in gaining the objectivity to re-frame and re-group our lives after this loss event.
If we aren't able to work through our despair, we risk experiencing events in our life such as mental illness, divorce / separation, suicide ideation or attempts, an inability to cope with the aftermath of our loss event, rejection of the family member who has experienced the ''loss'' event, detachment, poor bonding and/or unhealthy interaction with the parties involved in our loss event.
Acceptance:
We begin to reach a level
of awareness and understanding of the nature of our ''loss'' event. We can now describe the terms and conditions involved in our loss, fully describe the
risks and limitations involved in treating or rehabilitating the ''loss'' feelings involved, problem solve the issues involved in coping with our ''loss,'' test the concepts and alternatives available to us in dealing with this loss and handle the information surrounding this loss event in a more appropriate way.
We begin to use rational thinking, adaptive behavior patterns, appropriate emotional responses, patience and self-confidence. We can be growing in acceptance and still be experiencing denial, bargaining, anger and despair. We need support from others to gain objectivity and clarity of thinking in order to come to full acceptance. Those who have experienced similar losses form effective support groups.
After reviewing the 5 stages of grief, return to Step 1. Identify
the stages of grief you've experienced for each loss event identified.
Step 3: Now consider how your spouse or partner
has handled these loss events. Answer these questions in your journal:
- How has my partner handled the loss events
in the
- (1) pregnancy
- (2) delivery
- (3) birth of our target child?
- How has my partner handled the loss events in the various stages of our target child's
life? What stage of grief is my spouse in for each loss event?
- How have we helped each other cope with our losses?
- How have we communicated
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